To tell auntie that my mum is dying

[Busybeezs]

My dad has one brother. Both met their wives when they were all teens and are all still married now. Dad and uncle have a very explosive relationship and regularly have major bust ups and fall outs. Neither marriage is happy. Mum and auntie (related by marriage) have sustained a near 50 year friendship throughout this and have never let the (very difficult and unpleasant men) impact their relationship.

My dad and uncle had a major, major falling out about 2 years/18m ago. I have no idea what happened but it in some way involved my cousin (uncles son) and following this, my mum stopped hearing from my auntie. After about 6 months, my mum rang my auntie to see if they were still friends and it turns out my uncle and dad were involving cousin (male, 40s) in their arguments and it was taking a toll on cousins MH. as a result, auntie went NC with my entire family - though she did not say this explicitly. When my mum called, auntie expressed relief that they could stay in touch and they had a great talk, and said she would call.my mum soon
... but never has. My mum understood and respected that auntie is just looking out for her son but I know she is hurt That she is collateral damage due to the behaviour of two grown men.

In the past year, my mum has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and may have only between 6m and 2years left, depending on how palliative treatment works, but honestly she isn't fully cognisant of this and still thinks they will be able to cure it. She has said she wants as few people to know what's going on as possible as she's embarrassed at how ill she is and wants to get better.

My AIBU - should I tell my auntie what's going on and give her the opportunity to call.my mum 'out of the blue' and reestablish their relationship while.mum is still around? I want to be respectful of both of their boundaries, but I have a horrible feeling my auntie will be left feeling regret. Although I run the risk of overstepping by contacting my auntie, I worry that not giving her the opportunity might also hurt her. It also.makes me sad to think my mum is dying and thinks one of her oldest and closest friends doesn't care about her. If auntie declines to make contact, mum is none the wiser and I have a clear conscience.

YABU - NC is NC, keep out of it
YANBU - surely she deserves to know so she can make an informed decision

Reach out to aunt but don't tell her diagnosis.

You can't go against your mum's express wishes. You shouldn't do this.

Call for a catch up chat see how she reacts?

If your mum wanted your aunt to know she would lift the phone herself.

I can't express how bad an idea I think this is.

I'm no longer contact with someone I used to be very very close to by their choice. I am waiting 8 years for them to call me back. I would feel really violated if one of my children decided to go behind my back and tell them personal information about my health that I didn't want anyone to know.

Your mom's wishes need to be respected.

Only you know what's best for you and your family OP so I wont comment on what I think you should do. However, if I were in your position, I'd tell my Aunty.

Sorry about your mum's diagnosis. I can't imagine how difficult that must be for all of you.

This.

Your mum is at her most vulnerable right now. It's up to you to support her and do what she wants, not what you think she wants. The very last thing you should be doing is going behind her back to meddle in relationships.

YABVVU.

Relationship between your mum and aunt is none of your business.
Your aunt has ghosted your mum once,she could do it again.Your poor mum doesn’t deserve this treatment from anybody.
If your mum wanted your aunt to know she would have told her.
Your aunt is a coward for ghosting your mum instead of telling your uncle to bugger off and continuing relationship with your mum. She chose to side with her husband cutting off your mum in the process when she’s done nothing wrong.

Relationship like that are mentally draining and your mum doesn’t need stress or drama inflicted on her by her idiot husband,his idiot brother and a woman who changes her mind accordingly. Hot and cold games are ugly and abusive.

Keep your nose out of it and give your mum peace that she needs now.
If your auntie wants to get in touch she will (as she said)and it’s up to your mum to inform her or not.

I would contact your aunt and tell her that your Mum would like her support, don’t tell her why. This way you give your aunt the opportunity to contact your mum without revealing why.

There’s probably a lot of detail to the story that you aren’t privy to. Maintaining neutral relationships amidst toxic influences can be very difficult.

Personally yes, I think you should tell Aunty, but perhaps best to not tell your mum you've done it unless your Aunty gets in touch. You don't want your mum to feel sad all over again at the lack of contact.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Family rows like this cause so much pain.

I wouldn't mention the diagnosis but I'd ring her and tell her that if she wants to contact your mum, she'd better do it sooner rather than later. And then leave it there.

I would tell your Aunt, give them the chance to talk, if they choose to do so, before the chance is gone for good.
Sorry about your Mum getting sick, not an easy thing to go through.

This. Absolutely this. Tell her your mum misses her or something, but you really should not share someone else’s diagnosis, despite the very, very good intentions. You sound like a lovely daughter. Please look after yourself too.

By telling your aunt you risk reopening wounds at a time that she needs peace.

Your Mum is an adult and has been clear about what she wants, please respect that.

I think your greater loyalty should be to your mum not your Aunt. I would feel really betrayed if any of my children went against my wishes in a case like this.

Your aunt chose her path and will know the consequences. Maybe she does not want the additional burden of know about your mums illness.

Tell her. 100%.

I can’t believe the amount of people who would go against their mums wishes. What a horrible thing to do. I would be very angry if my children did this. I know they wouldn’t as their loyalty would be with me.

This aunt has chosen to not keep in touch after saying she would.

@Dibbydoos With the best will in the world, lemon water isnt going to help someone who has stage 4 cancer and who feeds through a tube. I really do not want advice about alternative therapies.

Thank you so much for the range of balanced views. I am very aware that my dad is an absolute piece of shit, as is my uncle - cannot stand them and they arent going to change.

My greater loyalty is, of course, to my mum. She has many friends whom she has lost contact with over the years and I wouldnt dream of contacting them, but this is a woman who she was incredibly close with and has mentioned throughout her recent ill health - as in 'I still haven't heart from Auntie, you know'. Its these things that make me think she would like to hear from auntie.

I'm honestly less motivated by aunties feeling than I think comes across. On a personal level I'm angry with auntie for letting her arsehole of a husband and his brother impact their friendship and for abandoning my mum. However I know her to be a very good person and I think my mum would benefit from.her presence. I want my mum to have as much love and support as.possible around her, and I dont want her to think a dear friend doesn't care about her. If auntie did call.orhanically I know mum would tell.her.

I like the idea of just calling auntie and saying she may wish to call.my mum but expressly telling her she shouldn't tell me, but I am really conflicted about potentially disrespecting my mums wishes.

You can make contact with aunty to open communications but under no circumstances mention your mom's health.

That is very private.

I’d leave it. To be blunt, it’s your mum’s wishes that matter. Your auntie may well feel dreadful if your mum passes and they’d never reconnected but that’s neither here nor there. Your mum doesn’t want anyone to know. So don’t tell anyone.

I'm honestly less motivated by aunties feeling than I think comes across.

I think the motivation is purely your mum but I do think the end benefit will be to your auntie, not your mum. Your mum needs you. She doesn't need the person who turned their back. Imagine how she would feel reconnecting under such circumstances and then finding out it wasn't genuine and it only happened because someone engineered it.

This is the most vulnerable your mum will ever be, I'm so sorry for what is happening but please don't let people in who haven't stood by her in the past. It's a huge can of worms, not the romanticised reunions you see in the movies.

Lemon water will do the sum total of fuck all. Sorry but this is just offensive to suggest.

I also have stage 4 cancer and would be FURIOUS if you told aunt if I were your mum. Having cancer makes you at the mercies of the health system and reliant on family support. You feel like a pawn on a chessboard most of the time!

Please do not take away any independence she has about who knows what about her diagnosis. I may be extreme but I get cross when DH talks to others about anything to do with my health. It is my health ask me!!

You need to speak to your mum about aunt and if your mum wants her to know. It is your mum’s decision and having cancer doesn’t mean she is. It able to make it.

Finally it is a shit diagnosis and a shit time so all my love to your family