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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you what your marriage/LTR is like?

86 replies

KM99 · 29/04/2023 18:54

I've been with my DH for 17 years, married for 13 this year. When we met I didn't fall deeply in love, it grew to a stable love over time. I'd had a string of bad relationships and thought I was making a grown up choice. I told myself that sparks and head over heels was a fairy tale.

Only, now I'm here at 47 with a 9 year old DS and I'm not particularly happy in the relationship. I'm not deeply unhappy, my DH is a good man but we've become more like co-parents who very occasionally have sex. I spend a lot of time doing my own thing and avoiding too much time with him. His habits annoy me and I'm sure he'd the same about me!

I care about him, he's one of my closest friends.. but I keep thinking does he deserve a better love than I give him and vice versa? Or do I just need to grow the F up? Work on myself and my issues?

This feels like a diamond shoes too tight kind of problem to be honest. Marriages exist on less.

So, how would you describe your marriage?

OP posts:
saltandpepper86 · 29/04/2023 19:13

My marriage is great, however its my 2nd marriage.

My first marriage was much as you describe and I eventually thought we would both be happier separated.

I could have worked harder to rescue things if I'm being 100% honest though.

Nineteen60s · 29/04/2023 19:15

Much the same as yours! I think I know how you feel.

I’m a bit older than you, and been married nearly 20 years. I thought he was wonderful to start with (that’s why we got married!) and also I wanted a second child - I have one from a previous marriage - but it turned out he was obsessed with doing everything for his parents, his friends, just about everyone else apart from me really! I had a very stressful career but he didn’t seem to think about my situation at all and so I’m afraid I got rather resentful.

So here we are. His little habits annoy me intensely. We sleep in the same bed, but with no sex. I’m waiting for our last child to leave home, and then I’m hoping to leave and live by myself. I like him, but that’s all…..I almost wish he would go away and find someone else. Just remaining friends would suit me fine.

I get depressed about it all and, like you, I try to avoid him. I encourage him to go to work a lot (he’s self-employed) and I encourage his hobbies. On the other hand, I’m sure just living as friends is not as bad as it could be? Possibly?

SunnyLion · 29/04/2023 19:16

Mines great & im very happy but same as above its my 2nd time round.
1st was so bland and we plodded along for years.
Best thing I did was divorce him.

BMrs · 29/04/2023 19:19

15 years together and 13 married. I adore my husband but when we met we fell head over heels and that love changed but grew once we had a family.

A lot of couples we know have separated recover the last couple of years and I think it's because they settled with the person they were with at a time when everyone was settling down. So they felt they were at the right age and married or had children with the person they happened to be with at that time.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Have you spoken to your husband about it? Does he feel the same way?

Appleass · 29/04/2023 19:19

We have been together since I was 16yrs, now 56. We have been Married 37yrs. We sleep in seperate bedrooms, for several reasons, I work shifts, he is an early riser, we keep each other awake with our snoring, he likes a light bedroom, thin duvet, and ice cold, I like mine dark, thicker duvet and warmer room. He is my best friend, but sometimes I could throttle him. We are both very content.

Original poster
KM99 · 29/04/2023 19:24

BMrs · 29/04/2023 19:19

15 years together and 13 married. I adore my husband but when we met we fell head over heels and that love changed but grew once we had a family.

A lot of couples we know have separated recover the last couple of years and I think it's because they settled with the person they were with at a time when everyone was settling down. So they felt they were at the right age and married or had children with the person they happened to be with at that time.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Have you spoken to your husband about it? Does he feel the same way?

Yes, we've talked a lot. He wants to try and build connection and intimacy again. But he's also a bury his head in the sand kind of person. I think I really need to give it a real try before doing anything major.

OP posts:
Original poster
KM99 · 29/04/2023 19:25

BMrs · 29/04/2023 19:19

15 years together and 13 married. I adore my husband but when we met we fell head over heels and that love changed but grew once we had a family.

A lot of couples we know have separated recover the last couple of years and I think it's because they settled with the person they were with at a time when everyone was settling down. So they felt they were at the right age and married or had children with the person they happened to be with at that time.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Have you spoken to your husband about it? Does he feel the same way?

And yes, I think we both did settle a bit because that's what was happening with our peers.

OP posts:
regenerista · 29/04/2023 19:30

Sounds exactly like yours and I also spend a lot of time wondering if we are both missing out on something "wonderful".

Caramac555 · 29/04/2023 19:38

We've been through patches like yours and I think if there is deep love and respect for each other the answer is to work on injecting some excitement.

This might mean weekends away, trying new things in the bedroom, making more effort with appearance if that's started to slip, etc.
It's easy to feel in a rut, but in my case I realised how much we had actually overcome and achieved together. And I looked at friends who had divorced and the stress it caused both them and their children, and realised my husband was not in anyway a bad man, it was all just a bit pipe and slippers, and some people would love pipe and slippers.

YerErseIsOotTheWindae · 29/04/2023 19:40

Very similar story to yours OP, no initial fireworks but got along well. We met in our 30s. Together 8 years now, married 5 with 2 pre-school DC.

It's not a great relationship, we're more like housemates than a couple. I wouldn't even say friends. He's a good man and he's reliable but we have nothing in common and he's become very grumpy and moody since the DC came along. Don't get me wrong, he's a very hands on Dad and does his fair share with the kids and around the house but I think the sleepless nights and relentlessness of having 2 toddlers when your knocking 40 has taken its toll.

I'm hoping that once the DC are a little older and more independent that things will improve.

riotlady · 29/04/2023 20:22

We’ve been together for 6 years, so not as long as you, but we are incredibly happy and he brings so much to my life.

I wonder if there’s anything you could do to capture that spark? Plodding on doesn’t sound like a great option but there must be some things work trying before you leap to divorce. Counselling, a shared hobby, an exotic holiday together?

BigBunkers · 29/04/2023 20:29

We’ve been married over 10 years and actually were married young by todays standards.

I love him wholeheartedly. We went through a rough-ish patch when the DC were younger but now feel like we’re through that and we have reconnected. It took some work but it was worth it.
Our rough patch wasn’t shouting and screaming, it was indifference, not really talking etc but I think mostly due to being knackered!

LuluBlakey1 · 29/04/2023 20:40

We were 30 when we got married- had only known each other 9 months. At 35 we had DS1 followed quickly by DD and DS2- now 8, 6 and 3. They have definitely taken their toll on us in terms of social life and sleep but we are really happy. We like being together at home, we talk a lot and have a good laugh together. Never have rows, just the occasional squabble. We still have a very affectionate relationship and sex a couple of times a week. I'm never bored with DH.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2023 20:48

It’s still full of sparks and feeling head over heels. He’s the best person I’ve ever met and I adore him with every fibre of my being.

It’s both of our second marriage, I never felt this way about my ex. And it’s in this marriage that we’ve had family bereavements, redundancy, blending families, serious illness, fertility issues, newborns, teenagers, so plenty of crap to navigate and it’s still fresh and exciting, happy and content. At the moment I’m mostly covered in milk and baby sick with massive eye bags and he looks at me like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. I most certainly am not but he makes me feel like I am.

thelinkisdead · 29/04/2023 20:55

We have been together since university. I knew he was the one as soon as I met him and I still feel like that now. He’s my favourite person in the whole world and makes me laugh like no one else can. Twelve years of marriage and I find him more interesting and attractive the longer I know him!

LisaD1 · 29/04/2023 20:59

19 years together and 17 married. He’s my best friend and we are still very much in love. We have a lot of fun together, both have our own hobbies too. Active sex life. My 2nd marriage. my 1st was dull as anything but I had my eldest in that marriage so I’ll never regret it. DH has raised her as his own since she was 3 and we have a daughter together too. I consider is very lucky but we do also make a real effort to never take each other for granted.

Teachingteacher · 29/04/2023 21:05

13 years married, 16 together, two very young DC. We are very happy, still having great sex, close and enjoy each others company. However, we have to work hard to make that happen or else we slip into living very different, separate lives.

Some advice I was given in marriage counselling was: make sure your most enjoyable moments (the moments that you’re happiest) are spent together, not apart. Otherwise, your whole relationship is based around the drudgery and mundane aspects of life, and conversations revolve around the kids and the house. If all your fun moments, like at a hobby, travelling or whatever, are alone or with someone else, you won’t maintain the fun and love of your relationship. We’ve definitely fallen into those patterns over the years.

Tigofigo · 29/04/2023 21:07

For everyone I know happy in a second or third marriage, I also know someone single and unhappy, going through the dregs of online dating. It seems much harder to meet someone in your 40s than it does in your 20s or early 30s. It's a gamble.

I feel a bit like you OP to be honest. Not unhappy but not delighted either. DH is a great man in many ways but there's not much of a romantic spark. I don't actively avoid him but we end up spending time apart and we've become complacent. I think our differences have become magnified as we've got older. We've been through a lot together though and he's the only person I feel really has my back in the world.

Tigofigo · 29/04/2023 21:09

Teachingteacher · 29/04/2023 21:05

13 years married, 16 together, two very young DC. We are very happy, still having great sex, close and enjoy each others company. However, we have to work hard to make that happen or else we slip into living very different, separate lives.

Some advice I was given in marriage counselling was: make sure your most enjoyable moments (the moments that you’re happiest) are spent together, not apart. Otherwise, your whole relationship is based around the drudgery and mundane aspects of life, and conversations revolve around the kids and the house. If all your fun moments, like at a hobby, travelling or whatever, are alone or with someone else, you won’t maintain the fun and love of your relationship. We’ve definitely fallen into those patterns over the years.

Hmm this is interesting - and something we definitely don't do due to lack of childcare and having different hobbies.

Interesting that you had marriage counseling , was that to get you through a difficult stage or a kind of protective measure?

Greenpasture · 29/04/2023 21:11

Married 15 years, I adore him.

He's my best mate, my biggest supporter. We're a team. It's never been a fireworks sort of relationship and it's far from perfect.

No one frustrates me like he does at times but he's the best person in the world and I don't know what he sees in me!

SpringOn · 29/04/2023 21:16

Very content, very happy, very secure, very safe in the best way. We still love each other very much, married 20 years.

TeaCosyApplePie · 29/04/2023 21:16

Married a decade, I knew as soon as I saw him he was it for me (as ridiculous as that sounds it's true). Married very quickly after meeting but we are best friends. We are very much in orbit round one another but both have individual interests. He is hugely thoughtful and considerate, and makes me laugh daily. We still kiss and cuddle like teenagers and he is my favourite person (outside of the kids). Some very tough times, illness and the like, but we faced it as a team. I won't marry again if anything ever happens as the odds of finding a similar relationship are minuscule.

FourTeaFallOut · 29/04/2023 21:16

We've been married twenty years. We got married in our early twenties. We have a happy and content marriage, we are great friends, we still fancy each other and we have a similar outlook on life.

We can take each other for granted sometimes - I'm not sure that is the bad thing people say it is. Sometimes loyalty and shared history is the glue that pulls you through the times when life gets harder and romance and adventure go on the back burner.

Occasionally I annoy him and sometimes he annoys me. That's fine - we don't hold it against each other.

MyMachineAndMe · 29/04/2023 21:28

I've been with my DH for 17 years, married for 13 this year. When we met I didn't fall deeply in love, it grew to a stable love over time. I'd had a string of bad relationships and thought I was making a grown up choice. I told myself that sparks and head over heels was a fairy tale.

This is us but over a slightly shorter timeframe. I love dh though and am happy with him.

TammyJones · 29/04/2023 21:29

Really good
Both been married before.
Both knew what we wanted
He's my favourite person in the world.
Love him more every year
Together 29 years - celebrating our Silver wedding tomorrow
But it takes work but worth every single second.