To ask you what your marriage/LTR is like?

[KM99]

I've been with my DH for 17 years, married for 13 this year. When we met I didn't fall deeply in love, it grew to a stable love over time. I'd had a string of bad relationships and thought I was making a grown up choice. I told myself that sparks and head over heels was a fairy tale.

Only, now I'm here at 47 with a 9 year old DS and I'm not particularly happy in the relationship. I'm not deeply unhappy, my DH is a good man but we've become more like co-parents who very occasionally have sex. I spend a lot of time doing my own thing and avoiding too much time with him. His habits annoy me and I'm sure he'd the same about me!

I care about him, he's one of my closest friends.. but I keep thinking does he deserve a better love than I give him and vice versa? Or do I just need to grow the F up? Work on myself and my issues?

This feels like a diamond shoes too tight kind of problem to be honest. Marriages exist on less.

So, how would you describe your marriage?

I'm currently looking at my husbands enormous belly hanging out so....

Similar to you. Similar age, similar age children. We’re a team- house and child wise……married 12 years, together 17.

Sometimes feel like it’s good, sometimes feel like we both deserve better- we have things in common (sport, value etc) but then sometimes I think we’re quite different (he doesn’t stop talking to anyone - I prefer a select few people and enjoy quiet time too- And think we’ve both dropped a couple of interests whil being with each other).

Bedroom wise things were quite dire. My sex drive seems to have increased and he’s stepped up to that shall we say which seems to have made things better.

I’ve also developed a crush on someone which seems to be quite difficult to shake off….. and is making me really question things tbh.

Not sure if that’s any help 😜

Together 15 years married 10. 2 primary kids.
He’s a good man, a good father. We get on very well. Have a lot in common. But it does feel a lot like we’re just friends and co parents. There hasn’t been a spark for a long time and to be honest it’s never been a ripping clothes off kind of relationship. I fell in love with his personality over looks.
Sometimes I think we’d be better separating. But then I think but would we? Is sex everything? We love and care for each other. We get on. We’re friends. Things could be a lot worse and neither are getting any younger. I see friends who have divorced and dating just seems awful at this age. It’s refreshing to see so many who are similar

Married 23 years this year. Things were rough for the first five years, and then really hard for the next 10 years or so (mostly because of external pressures, and having a child really young).

Then...well, things just got better. I started earning much more and DP got a better career, which took away a huge part of the externally-caused problems. Then MIL died, which took away the rest. DP's been really supportive when it comes to me being diagnosed autistic, and - after a lot of honesty that seems to scare the people around us - we understand each other better than ever.

Kinda feels like we've been in the zone for the last 5 years. Everything just keeps getting better, and we're in a position where we're living our best life while we're still able to enjoy the extra resources we have.

So I am 49 ish and then I was 40 ish I was in a sticky place and distracted from my marriage. I found a thread and probably it change my life. I stayed faithful and put ky energy into myself and DH. Now life is fantastic.

this is the quote I read every day for a couple of years - you can probably find the thread

‘Yolanda, what helped me was the realisation that excitement, thrill and all things good come from within us and are not externally driven. It feels to you now like this other bloke will be more fun and will make you feel fabulous again, but the truth is YOU are the only one who can make you feel fabulous. It is a delusion to look for it on the outside. You are looking in the wrong place. ‘

I hope that make sense !

Right now things are a bit stressful with DH. We have a 4mo DS and we have no time with one another alone at the moment. I'm hoping once baby is not EBF we can have some more alone time.

I often feel pretty lonely. But my DH is a good man and hopefully things will get easier for our relationship

We've been married 36yrs today and together for 40. There have been times when I've felt like you, it's so easy to get disconnected when bringing up children, working all hours and all the other crap life throws at you. But we are happy, still have great sex, enjoy each other's company and, now the boys are young adults and hardly ever home, we make time to reconnect properly. We both do our own thing for a lot of the week (both retired now) but when we are together life is enjoyable, calm and comfortable.

We have our moments of course, life isn't always smooth sailing, but ultimately we have the same goals and the intimacy that comes with a long term happy relationship is worth putting some effort into.

It’s a bit fiery- we argue a lot because we are just like that. He drives me round the bend but he’s my best friend, a brilliant Dad and he makes me a better person.
He has many habits though that one day might tip me over the edge and I’ll do him in with a frying pan. One more empty packet of paracetamol left in the cupboard will probably do it…….

I think that most marriages work on the basis of friends as much as lovers. But that’s important too.

Together 18 years and married 14. Im 40, dh a few years older. Our marriage has never been stronger. There were several hairy years about 7 years ago when I thought it wouldn't last. I've realised it was circumstantial though. What changed it though was that dh eventually agreed to move to my home town where I had family. We had been living somewhere with no support and he worked away a lot so I was isolated. I dreaded him coming home and now I look forward to him coming home from work, Both of us are now happier, we have family support (babysitters!) and have a much easier life. If we'd stayed where we were I think my resentment and his stubbornness would've ruined the marriage ultimately. So the moral of the story is environment and circumstances can overshadow love. We always loved each other but it was hard to see through that.

Is there anything you can do to change your lives that can benefit your marriage?

This really resonates with me. I have work to do on myself as much as my marriage.

We talked a lot today, a few tears were shed but I feel a little less alone.

so glad you got what I meant.

when you think of what toy lose if you spilt up now, the money, the children, but also the shared history, the photos, the shared friends and family…..

Concentrate on what you want, make yourself fabulous, AND also do things solely to make your DH happy. It will make a massive difference. You get out what you put in, and it’s so easy to put that effor tk to a ‘new’ thing when actually putting into a existing relationship is hard but worth it.