To ask you what your marriage/LTR is like?

[KM99]

I've been with my DH for 17 years, married for 13 this year. When we met I didn't fall deeply in love, it grew to a stable love over time. I'd had a string of bad relationships and thought I was making a grown up choice. I told myself that sparks and head over heels was a fairy tale.

Only, now I'm here at 47 with a 9 year old DS and I'm not particularly happy in the relationship. I'm not deeply unhappy, my DH is a good man but we've become more like co-parents who very occasionally have sex. I spend a lot of time doing my own thing and avoiding too much time with him. His habits annoy me and I'm sure he'd the same about me!

I care about him, he's one of my closest friends.. but I keep thinking does he deserve a better love than I give him and vice versa? Or do I just need to grow the F up? Work on myself and my issues?

This feels like a diamond shoes too tight kind of problem to be honest. Marriages exist on less.

So, how would you describe your marriage?

Together for 14 years, married for 10. We still have a spark, although sex is rare at the moment. We have a one year old so the opportunity and energy wasn't there, although the desire is - am hoping it will pick up again now the baby's sleep is a bit more settled. We're a good team and spend all weekends together as a family, which I think is important. We could do with more intimacy and date nights - we never do them, mainly because the dcs bedtimes are awkward.

We have a good connection and know each other's thoughts - always having "finishing each other's sentences" moments. Generally I'm a very closed book and I'm happy that I've met someone who I can be myself with.

Together 35 years, married 33 this summer, three adult DC.

He's the person I'm closest to, who loves me, supports me, always has my back but lets me have my independence too. We're a good team. He'd say the same about me. Of course we've had difficult times, that's normal in a long marriage, but we've never questioned our love for each other whatever has been happening in our lives. Our relationship is calm, steady and feels secure and comfortable, but within that there's still a spark.

I don't think I could've found a better man for me.

@Tigofigo it was premarital counselling that gave us that advice, it was compulsory in the church we got married it. We’ve had marriage counselling at various points in our marriage though, which I highly recommend. Mostly preventative or when we felt like we were in a funk.

Childcare is indeed an issue for us too. Young kids, living abroad and no family around. We’ve tried to find things we can do together once the kids are down for the evening (7pm bedtime is strictly enforced!!). E.g. buying a dvd player and the book 1001 films to watch before you die, and rummaging through thrift stores or Vinted to find films to watch together. We got a weight bench and my DH has enjoyed teaching me how to lift. We’re avid readers so will often read the same book and discuss it. No restaurants or date nights are possible at the moment! I’m looking forward to that being a possibility again.

That sounds hard and lonely op

I’m married about the same length of time and dh and I have a great solid happy relationship. I look forward for to coming home and we talk once during the day on lunch break

we were friends many years before we got together and I always respected his way of things and his values.

The first year of marriage was very hard and the early years of baby and toddler stage as we were bought a home that needed work but we wanted it due to being in the perfect village location. On top of that he came from a very traditional home where his father is the ‘boss’ and his mother had a very tough life. Did everything. I suppose it took years of changing his mindset (I still cook everyday and make school lunches but no longer iron for him or buy his side of the family gifts or take on his elderly mothers needs). He has an easygoing personality and is kind.

but marriage takes a LOT of work. I can see easily how you could drift apart and resent each other

Been with my husband 10 years, married for 5, and I love him more than ever. I still look forward to seeing him at the end of the day with and there's no one I prefer to spend time with. He's my best friend as well as my spouse. Sure, we don't constantly have our hands all over each other anymore but we still have regular sex (as regular as one can with two kids under three around, anyway) and cuddle every night when we go bed.

He has his faults, obviously, and so do I, but my life is so much richer for having him in it.

Been with my husband for 24 years and married for 19 with 2 older teenagers. I've spent the last few months wondering if we should call it a day but I don't know how to approach the conversation. There's no spark anymore and I feel as though I've lost myself whilst being in this marriage, bringing up a family, neglecting my own needs whilst trying to make everyone else happy. I feel taken for granted and more and more I find myself slowly checking out of the relationship.

A couple of my close friends are also feeling very unhappy in their marriages and I've seen a few people of my age separated or divorced since lockdown. The ones who have taken the plunge have said they're much happier on their own. In as much as my husband is a decent person, good father, hard worker and handsome, the grass seems greener on that side of the fence.

Been together 25 years and married for 17. It wasn't the lightning bolt at the start but it grew to be something incredibly loving and committed. No regrets whatsoever.

I've been married 31 years, but we're together for 39. This marriage has been like a trek through the Himalaya, up, down, up, down. Years when we were very intimate, years when it felt like we existed as flatmates babysitting small children. Even now, careers and the needs of extended family often put us in very different places.
However, the underlying spark of romantic love is still there, definitely. If circumstances put us on a desert island (with everything in the real world taken care of), we'd have a high old time together.
In the early years, and when the children were small, we had a lot of difficulty communicating about relationship issues. We could talk about dinner, the dc school reports, plans for mum's birthday party but we couldn't talk about why we weren't having sex. Overcoming that has been the biggest change.
But if you don't both feel that 'desert island feeling' then the issues may run too deep.

DH and I have been together for 20 years. Overall, I'd say our marriage is a happy one, but we've had our ups and downs over the years, and came close to splitting up a couple of times over the years.

I still find him attractive, but have very little sex drive these days, so the physical side is lacking, although he is very understanding about that and never puts pressure on me. We like each other very much, as well as loving each other. We find each other interesting, and we make each other laugh. We support each other and work as a team. It's a good, healthy relationship, I think. Not a passionate love, maybe, but a deep and abiding one. If I lost him either through divorce or death I'd be heartbroken.

I think, if the relationship is a loving and respectful one, it's worth working at. Marriage counselling really helped us. Might be worth considering OP?

We met when I was 25 and DH was 23. It was literally love at first sight and we married 5 months after meeting (saw each other every day from meeting to marriage although did not live together).

We have been married 43 years this year and are very very happy. We are still very much in love, hold hands all the time, cuddle a lot, still have good sex.

Have never felt that our marriage was hard work. Of course there have been a few ups and downs but nothing major. We don't have children and feel that makes a marriage run smoother overall

Been together 15 years, I had a child when we met then we had a child together.

Sometimes it can feel like we are just friends, we've had no intimacy for more then half of the relationship. I believe he's not attracted to me although he would never admit it. He is also autistic.
He's older then me, he makes me feel safe after a lifetime of feeling unsafe. He's my favourite person and although I miss intimacy he shows me he loves me in so many other ways.

I'm happy that I will grow older with him and our relationship has become better since our children became teens. I may be deluded but I'm hopeful intimacy will come back one day.

Married 20 years, teenage children. Get on brilliantly, laugh a lot, enjoy lots of the same things, rarely a cross word. A bit less active sex life than when we were younger, but I don't imagine that's unusual. Neither of us is the fireworks romantic type at all, so the relationship was never like that.

Some advice I was given in marriage counselling was: make sure your most enjoyable moments (the moments that you’re happiest) are spent together, not apart.

Good point! That's definitely the case with us.

My husband and I are deeply in love. I think every minute away from him is a minute wasted. We've been married for 6 years. We dated for 8 months. He's been there for me when I was bed bound with a chronic illness and family drama. He's the kindest, most patient and most intelligent man I've ever met. He treats my mum and sister like they are his own and he's also a wonderful dad.

We met when I was 17, dh was 20.

Engaged after a year, married 18 months later. We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

I love him, he loves me.

We can chat til the cows come home or we can sit in comfortable silence. We've two children and he's a great daddy.

He's a hard worker and I love that he looks after me (when needed eg; my parent is ill and he makes sure i have dinner when i get home or leaves a teabag in a mug for me) and I will take care of him (when he needs it, ie: help him with his animals if he has to work overtime)

We have had patches where we've drifted, over the years (like when kids had to come first, when he kept money worries to himself, when i kept health issues to myself so as not to scare him and he found out) but we've always had the ability to say to each other "what's going on? We need a weekend away"

The kids are grown up now, one has moved out and one is hardly ever at home, so we're back to just us most of the time, we still have regular sex, still compliment each other - i can't imagine being me with anyone else and I still smile when I see his van pull into the drive way.

@KM99 definitely worth giving it your all before throwing in the towel. Perhaps you could try something new together, travel somewhere different or a joint hobby?

23 years in. Bad patch in year 9, and after DC2 was born (year 18). Haven’t recovered from that really. He got really selfish, I got resentful. It is better now, but he told me he isn’t physically attracted to me (I have put on weight after kids).
now we are really room mates and coparents.

I feel my dh is only here cos he has no where else to go. The house feels lighter when he is not in it. I like the financial security. We dont have sex havent had sex for 3 years.We are discussing seperate bedrooms all hidden behind the excuse of quality sleep but its really not that. We are like lodgers housesharing. Married 14 yrs this year.We have no conversation except the weather,and what he would like for dinner. I am lost and lonely but not brave enough to walk away, neother is he for that matter.We dont argue or fall out we just seem to coexist. Its so desperately sad in my view, He is happy as things are which is crazy,Today we have spoken about 4 sentences and he is in the lounge watching war films, I am here in my study. We used to be so happy and have so much fun. I dont hate him I wouldnt mind if I did but I feel nothing. I am empty of any feelings at all really,

I’ve spoken twice to my DH about splitting up, both times he said he’d change, surprise surprise it lasted days, I don’t know how he can think this is ok. Surely he’d rather be with someone who loves him, he knows I don’t .

I am very similar to you, been in separate rooms for a couple of years, no sex for 3 or more. Sitting in separate rooms. I am frequently lonely and wondering if this is it, yet I don’t want another man, so I might as well stay.

Only been together 8 years so v much still in the honeymoon/ripping each others clothes off phase but I understand that this will likely wane with time. There are things that annoy me sometimes but the fact that I don't like being around people but I'm always happy to be around him says a lot I think.

All of your replies have given me the push to start talking to DH. We're going to chat this week to see where we both feel we are and what to do next.

I wonder how much of this is you. And this isn’t meant in a mean way. Quite the opposite. My attachment style is anxious so I’m automatically attracted to avoidant and emotionally unavailable men. I love the drama and sparks of instability. But these relationships don’t last because of the reasons mentioned above. For me, I know the irony of someone wanting me kills the passion… but am prepared to accept that because of the other benefits - the stability and security, even if they don’t set my world on fire. Does that make sense? Did you ever hugely fancy him? I don’t think securely attached people fully understand it because they don’t experience it. I would also advocate trying to water the grass you have, rather than thinking it’s greener elsewhere. Dating in your late 30s/40s is really hard. I know people find people - they really do - but it’s not a walk in the park. Most people are coupled up. A lot of people who are single are single for a reason.

We met at school and were friends before we got together aged 18. We've have been together 40 years this year, married for 35 years. He's the funniest, kindest, sexiest and most honest, decent person I have ever met and I absolutely adore him.

I think you've really hit the nail on the head there. I think I need to work on myself just as much as my marriage. My previous relationships were tempestuous and difficult and I think I thought drama = excitement.

My DH is introverted, can be stubborn and sometimes closed off. But he is kind, fair, loving and really committed to us. We had a honeymoon period but then a cycle of his sex drive being low and then mine.

Then try that. Work on you and your relationship. I would never advocate staying in a bad relationship and would actively encourage leaving some, but for me personally I know that I’m the problem in a lot of cases. And I need to work on what I deem ‘sexy’ and why. Also, every relationship is hard. Everyone is hard. Men and women. It’s that really cheesy saying: “love is a verb” but I think there’s a lot to it.