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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you what your marriage/LTR is like?

86 replies

KM99 · 29/04/2023 18:54

I've been with my DH for 17 years, married for 13 this year. When we met I didn't fall deeply in love, it grew to a stable love over time. I'd had a string of bad relationships and thought I was making a grown up choice. I told myself that sparks and head over heels was a fairy tale.

Only, now I'm here at 47 with a 9 year old DS and I'm not particularly happy in the relationship. I'm not deeply unhappy, my DH is a good man but we've become more like co-parents who very occasionally have sex. I spend a lot of time doing my own thing and avoiding too much time with him. His habits annoy me and I'm sure he'd the same about me!

I care about him, he's one of my closest friends.. but I keep thinking does he deserve a better love than I give him and vice versa? Or do I just need to grow the F up? Work on myself and my issues?

This feels like a diamond shoes too tight kind of problem to be honest. Marriages exist on less.

So, how would you describe your marriage?

OP posts:

Cupoftea80 · 29/04/2023 21:30

Another second marriage here- together for 10 years and married for 3. Absolutely adore him, he is my best friend and the love of my life.

I think my first marriage may have ended up similar to yours- we got together in our twenties at uni, got married and had children quite quickly, and towards the end we were just co-parents without much in common. If he hadn’t had an affair I probably would have carried on like that for years, I just thought marriage was supposed to be hard. I have so many friends now in marriages they hate, sleeping in separate bedrooms and having petty arguments.

I think if I were you i would either really try to do something about it, such as talking to him or marriage counselling, or bite the bullet and end it. Life really is too short.

DustyLee123 · 29/04/2023 21:34

Married 25 years. Absolutely adored him until the resentment set in. Now we’re in separate rooms, haven’t had sex for 3 or more years, we are two people sharing a house.
I stay for money, security, company, and not having only 50% of the kids.

Atnilpoe · 29/04/2023 21:41

It’s my second marriage, we’ve been together 15 years. He’s a wonderful dad and step-dad and an equal partner. He’s my best friend, and the sex is the best of our lives (and seems to get better with every passing year!) I thought the night I met him “I could marry this man”, and we just seem to have a deep compatibility. We’re both very comfortable with each other’s families (after a few initial hiccoughs) and I think that helps.

TaraRhu · 29/04/2023 21:42

Mine was a slow burn. But my husband is a great man and the only man I was ever able to open up to. We lived apart for a long time but it changed and when we commuted to each other we fell in love again,

We've been together 18 years. We have 2 kids. I won't lie, there's times where it's boring. We can't do the things we used to. My husband is content doing nothing (especially when stressed) where as I get bored. But we come back to each other.

The doubt for me is whether I'd met someone with more spark rather that a slow burner. Someone that's a bit more assertive and will bring more of me out.But so much of our life is good that it outweighs it. I'm very lucky to have him. He's a good man, a great dad and I love him. We are a really good team and I don't think there such a thing as totally perfect.

PurBal · 29/04/2023 21:43

Met 15 years ago. On off for a few years and married 5 years ago. No head over heels for me, he’s the opposite to my usual type. We are a good team, he’s an introvert and I’m not so we balance each other out too. Great friends, to a fault actually as now we have DC we don’t have as much time for just being us. We don’t row but have the occasional disagreement, I can almost remember when we learnt to communicate for the first time and we both get frustrated when we’re not communicating as we would want to. His sex drive has always been lower than mine, once a month if we’re lucky. Considering separate beds so we both sleep better. He’s a great dad and we split chores fairly too. My only peeve is that he doesn’t always know when to stop drinking, and that makes me anxious sometimes. I think our marriage is good, but it’s really hard at the moment with very small DC.

Disco2023 · 29/04/2023 21:49

44, well over ten years together. Not married or kids ( both by choice) very content in our relationship to be honest. It wasn’t instant love at first sight but we fancy each other, still have a good sex life and there’s a deep love there. We get on really well, similar outlook to life, do similar things but also have different interests too.

Of course relationships need give and take and we get on each others nerves from time to time. But it’s all been very easy 99% of the time. I consider myself lucky especially when reading on some relationships on here or those in my life.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/04/2023 21:51

Blissful.
sorry 😁

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 29/04/2023 21:59

Generally very good, I love him, but life is bloody hectic!!

I met my husband at uni 18 years ago (in a bar, fancied him across a room type thing!) we went out a few years but then broke up, had a couple of years apart and I travelled the world in that time and had lots of fun. I realised when I was away he was the one for me, I ached for him as sad as that sounds. We were completely broken up though. So when I got back I got in touch and asked him to meet me for a drink. That was 13 years ago!

We are married with 3 young children now. Life is busy and full on and having our children has meant there's very little us time. We know that this phase raising young kids isn't forever though and we'll come out the other side. I'm very much in love with my husband (he's aged like a fine wine lol), I don't want anyone else, he's my one, get me a sick bowl quick 🤣!

Bluebells1970 · 29/04/2023 22:05

30 years in. Just very meh and boring. No intimacy for years due to his health issues.

After losing my Dad earlier this year, I'm seriously questioning if it's enough. Not sure if that's me or the grief though.

PrancerandDancer · 29/04/2023 22:10

I can recognise some points in your post PO but think maybe that's the drudge of raising kids at times.

We have been together 15 years, married 10 this time. One DC 6. We often do our own things and after a week off together usually very ready for our own space again... however... we make an incredible team.

I noticed he left something behind the other day and called immediately and was trying to problem solve how to get it to him as he's my best friend and I want to make his day easier.

He has supported me through debilitating anxiety and panic attacks and when I tackled something that is small for most but huge for me, he was my biggest cheerleader and ensured we celebrated!

Life may seem a little boring at times compared to our 20's but we are content, safe and happy. We see all each others flaws and accept them anyway.

CheersForThatEh · 29/04/2023 22:13

We had the sparks and he is still the same equal, dependable and funny man.

I'm 10 years in and content. Will be with him til my dying day. Then I plan to enjoy living alone with no snoring.

Are you unhappy wwith him OP or are you generally just a bit out of sorts/bored and this is the area that comes to mind to be dissatisfied with? No judgement at all - I love DP deeply but when I'm feeling unsettled I sometimes fantasise about living alone because for me it symbolises a simpler time and that's what I'm usually really wanting is some time to myself with a break from the pressure of life.

CheersForThatEh · 29/04/2023 22:14

Amd I'd add that as well as the sparks and the love and content ness I feel 10 years in, it's a deeper love, less sparky and more like I love him like he is my family because that's what he is now, he is part of my family and I love him fiercely

2nd · 29/04/2023 22:25

Fell for each other immediately truly, madly, deeply, sparks galore, been married over 20 years - less sex but still physically affectionate. Run our own business and don’t get to spend loads of time together but we grab what we can and enjoy spending time together. He’s my bestest friend - so supportive, always there for me - I can’t believe I found someone so amazing.

Amberooni · 29/04/2023 22:27

I met DH when I was 18, I'm now 42. There wasn't sparks at the start but we have a real deep connection, he's my best friend and we understand each other really well and the sex is amazing when we get round to doing it. IMO quality over quantity. We're introverts and don't have interests in common which mean we do drift apart sometimes but we address this when it happens and come back to each other. In the past we've struggled with the age old male v female dichotomy of he needs sex to feel close and I need to feel close to have sex. Our core values work together though and we don't really argue at all, we can communicate our issues or ideas in healthy way. I think we have a good marriage even if we are pretty boring.

DucksNewburyport · 29/04/2023 22:35

We've been together for nearly 26 years and married for 19 with three teenage DC. I love him loads, our sex life has dropped off but apart from that we're still really happy and well suited.

Original poster

KM99 · 29/04/2023 22:36

I really appreciate everyone's responses. It makes me feel less alone and the perspective that I can do something about it. If nothing changes, nothing changes, right?

And for those who are blissful. I thinks that a wonderful thing. I'm not sure I'm quite wired up for truly happy relationships. I can be selfish at times. Maybe it's time to work on myself too x

OP posts:

Kaaplumff · 29/04/2023 22:36

Together 11 years and married for 2 of those. We have a deeply loving relationship and I still feel we are very much in love. It has been noted by friends and family that we have maintained romance over the years. I don't feel like a head over heel teen though, it's more of a mature romance than a early days in the relationship one. And it certainly fluctuates if there's been a lot going on and we've had less time to focus on each other. I think a lot of people assume romance just lives on by itself. In my experience both need to put in the effort to nurture those feelings. I'm sure you can reignite that passion in your marriage if you wanted to, but it does take effort.

RelentlessMother · 29/04/2023 22:40

I could talk about my marriage but it has ended (thankfully)

most women I know who are married, and I mean this, 4 out 5, have husbands who cheat, and they are somehow unhappy.
I don’t know if they know about the cheating either. But I know how unhappy and unheard they feel. They aren’t close friends and I’m not about to start splitting everyone up so I keep quiet. But marriage is not something I’d ever try and have again.

RelentlessMother · 29/04/2023 22:43

Just seen the other replies about “less sex”. That is so intriguing…… I wonder if you guys think your other half has simply stopped wanting sex as much because of age/work/spark is less now.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 29/04/2023 22:52

15 years together, 4 years married, love the bones of him. Aside from our DD he is my favourite person in the world. It's not all sparks and thunderbolts, we're well past the Velcro pubes stage, there's still some sex though nowhere near as much as there was previously. But lots of intimacy, love and connection. We look after each other and push each other to be better but there is also lots of playfulness in our relationship.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 29/04/2023 22:53

@RelentlessMother it's definitely me in our relationship that wants less sec

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 29/04/2023 22:54

Arghh, wants less sex, young kid, knackered, peri menopause etc etc. But when we do it's pretty lovely. I think my DH just think the reduction is worth the other stuff he gets.

RelentlessMother · 29/04/2023 23:01

@Tinkeytonkoldfruit it usually is.

FrostyFifi · 29/04/2023 23:07

I'm about the same age as you and similar timescales. I fell deeply and completely in love with him and we're still extremely happy together and still in love.

JorisBonson · 29/04/2023 23:14

Calm. We laugh all the time and go on adventures. He is my best friend and handsome to boot. We've both had our share of dramatic relationships in the past and love being calm and constant with each other.

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