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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed by this?

89 replies

mychel · 29/04/2023 10:16

So myself and dh are on our first holiday in 5 years. My dh has a medical condition that requires medical treatment while abroad so my father offered us the use of his house abroad. When it came to the holiday and logistics we decided that it might be easier to stay near the treatment facility where it would be easier to get to and from. Then about 2 weeks before we departed my father announced he was going out to his house and would be there during our stay. I was surprised as his partner wasn’t going with him just him alone but decided ah it would be nice to see him whilst out here. The first morning while my husband was at treatment my father asked to come meet me for coffee. During this coffee he dropped a bombshell that actually it turns out he’s possibly not my father after all and wants me to take a dna test. (Yes I’m actually serious) he’s decided after 40 something years and about 10 years since my mother passed away that he wants to know for sure if I’m his. So of course I’ve been in shock and very upset that I’ve been lied to for years and years but I’m more upset that he’s decided to do this now during our much longed for holiday after a very tough ( years of health and family issues). I’m also obviously annoyed that I’ve been lied to my entire life but he also has basically banned me from discussing it with anyone outside of dh. Am I being unreasonable to be so upset at the fact that he has destroyed our holiday?

OP posts:
AbreathofFrenchair · 29/04/2023 10:20

Not unreasonable at all, how awful for you. I understand him wanting to know, but why now? I get there would be no right time you tell you something like this but there definitely would have been a better time.

Are you ok?

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 10:20

you have had some enormous news but seem very focussed on your holiday!

anyway, putting that aside - it would be that he thought it would bean opp for you to digest the news, talk to him, ask questions etc without normal life distractions

Outgrabe · 29/04/2023 10:24

To be honest, I think the holiday is a red herring here. It’s possible that your father wasn’t thinking of this as a normal ‘holiday’ anyway, as it’s a primarily trip for your DH’s medical treatment. And it can be easier sometimes to broach difficult conversations somewhere away from the home/normal haunts. I mean, clearly you’re very shocked, unsurprisingly, but when would breaking this news have been ok? He also doesn’t get to tell you who you’re allowed to talk to for support. Did you ask him why now? What makes him think he may not be your father? What difference it might make? Are you going to take the test?

Modda · 29/04/2023 10:25

That's really shit. Also he can't ban you from doing anything. Tell who you want.

SingAlongAndItMightJustGetYouThrough · 29/04/2023 10:27

"he also has basically banned me from discussing it with anyone outside of dh."

How? He can't do that.

Summerslimtime · 29/04/2023 10:28

It was primarily a holiday!

Imo he should never have told you his doubts. He should have taken this to his grave.

ThinWomansBrain · 29/04/2023 10:28

Odd timing - although he thought he'd be better able to talk to you face to face when you're away. Must be a huge shock. Did he say why he has doubts?

If he isn't certain, maybe you haven't been lied to
It could be something that has come to light recently, or around the time of your mothers death that's made him have doubts - and of course DNA tests wouldn't have been available when you were a child.
On the plus side, if he has always known or had doubts, good of him to stand by your mother and you in bringing you up as his daughter

Annoyingwurringnoise · 29/04/2023 10:29

WTF? I can maybe understand that if he has doubts he might want to know, but telling you this on your holiday? Either it’s a deliberate act of cruelty, or a complete lack of self-awareness. Only you know your father and which of these it’s more likely to be.

as for banning you from talking about it, well, he can’t do that. Him saying that makes me think it’s probably the latter. You can talk to whoever the hell you want about it. He can ask that you don’t, but he can’t demand that you don’t, and if he’s that desperate that you shouldn’t, he shouldn’t have told you in the first place.

Has he got form for being controlling and malicious?

Nimbostratus100 · 29/04/2023 10:31

he cant ban you from talking to anyone - also DNA testing might be quicker and cheaper where you are, rather than in UK?

Ponoka7 · 29/04/2023 10:33

What's his partner like? Are you about to be disinherited? It's shit, he's been your Dad all of your life, any decent person wouldn't care.

SorePaw · 29/04/2023 10:36

I think I'd be rather pleased to find out that this selfish knob wasn't my father!

what a bombshell for you & what terrible timing. Selfish twat.

I would understand a 'child' wanting to know, but a 'parent'- after this many years & bringing the child up, your wife deceased, what does it matter?

Do you have siblings? Do you think he might be considering his will??

WHY in gods name did he think ruining your holiday was an ok move??

I hope your DH is ok too x

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/04/2023 10:39

Has he always treated you like his own child? Do you think this is because he's thinking of rewriting his will? It sounds incredibly selfish of him actually to bring you into this.

shiningstar2 · 29/04/2023 10:39

What Ponaka7 said did occur to me🤔 Do you have siblings? I hope this isn't behind your father's desire for clarification. I agree with what someone up thread said . After 49 years he should have taken this to the grave with him. You must be reeling. Tell him you will consider his request not to tell others but you can't guarantee that you will honour it. You may need support in rl yourself and he has no right to throw this emotional bomb at you then dictate the terms of how you deal with it. 💐

shiningstar2 · 29/04/2023 10:40

40 years.

Original poster
mychel · 29/04/2023 10:46

Thanks everyone so back story is he has known since I was born that there is a slight possibility. He’s had over 40 years to bring this up. I was also very sick when I was very small where he could have had this brought up and tested and he would have known one way or another. In relation to my focus on the holiday. This holiday our whole family has known that we have needed a complete break for a very long time we had 2 close family members pass away in the last year. 2 major health conditions to deal with in our immediate family and he flew out here especially to do this here. The reason he doesn’t want other people to know is he knows my siblings will freak out with this type of news. He has also now totally monopolised our holiday he is calling and texting constantly asking to meet up. I have made it clear I want space but he wants to rush to get dna tests done now etc. in my opinion he had no need to bring this up ever. His claim is that if I ever needed medical treatment etc and he would be denying me the right to meet this other person. Who I’ve already decided i don’t want to this person is married and possibly has a family who’s lives would be torn apart also. I feel like I’ve just been handed an awful piece of knowledge that really benefits no one bar him and I feel there’s very selfish motivations behind this.

OP posts:
Mortimercat · 29/04/2023 11:10

mychel · 29/04/2023 10:46

Thanks everyone so back story is he has known since I was born that there is a slight possibility. He’s had over 40 years to bring this up. I was also very sick when I was very small where he could have had this brought up and tested and he would have known one way or another. In relation to my focus on the holiday. This holiday our whole family has known that we have needed a complete break for a very long time we had 2 close family members pass away in the last year. 2 major health conditions to deal with in our immediate family and he flew out here especially to do this here. The reason he doesn’t want other people to know is he knows my siblings will freak out with this type of news. He has also now totally monopolised our holiday he is calling and texting constantly asking to meet up. I have made it clear I want space but he wants to rush to get dna tests done now etc. in my opinion he had no need to bring this up ever. His claim is that if I ever needed medical treatment etc and he would be denying me the right to meet this other person. Who I’ve already decided i don’t want to this person is married and possibly has a family who’s lives would be torn apart also. I feel like I’ve just been handed an awful piece of knowledge that really benefits no one bar him and I feel there’s very selfish motivations behind this.

I had assumed he had just found something out and was as affected by this as you are. I guess him knowing for forty years puts a different slant on it, but there was never going to be a good time to bring this up. I don’t understand why you think this benefits him? Surely this will be devastating for him?

He didn’t have to bring it up, he could have gone to his grave with it, but I also think he had the right to bring it up if that was what he needed. You are not the only person impacted by this. Perhaps as women we can never understand how it might feel to not be sure if a child is biologically ours and shouldn’t try to.

I certainly think you are entitled to tell him you need some space to process this and leave you alone for the time being.

ThinWomansBrain · 29/04/2023 11:11

if you don't want to talk about it with him now, block the calls.
Maybe he didn't bring testing up when you were a child because of his relationship with your mother?
Does he suspect that she had an affair, or know for certain that she was sleeping around/having an affair?

Ponoka7 · 29/04/2023 11:25

Totally selfish, I suppose he hasn't even thought of your children in all of this? They could have biological relations that they'll want to meet etc. He should have got you tested as soon as the tests were reliable, or took it to the grave.

Stemmingthetide · 29/04/2023 11:27

@mychel what a shitty thing to do.

Email or text “I was clear we badly needed this holiday after all that has gone on over the last year. You have specifically chosen this badly needed holiday to drop a bombshell on me when you have had over 40 years to tell me. Please do not contact me again until I have had time to process this devastating news.”

When you get home organise the DNA test, not just with your Dad but also at least one sibling.

Original poster
mychel · 29/04/2023 11:32

I would say getting it off his chest benefits him allot more than me. There have been plenty of times in the last 20 or so years he could have brought it up. I feel like I’ve been handed a family secret that is like a bomb waiting to go off. I have seen first hand the effects of stuff like this on families and the irreparable damage it can do. All of his justifications when I asked why now appear to be purely for his benefit. Aside from the fact he has 4 other children with my mother. He swears it’s not inheritance related. He maintains it’s in case I ever needed something medically related highly unlikely. My parents got married very quickly after meeting which I’m assuming was because my mother was pregnant. So I’m sure he feels that he was hoodwinked. Apparently my mother told him before the wedding that there was a very slim chance that baby might not be his. I just don’t see the benefit of bringing any of this up now apart from him to clear his own head and possibly related to him telling his partner.

OP posts:
TreeLine23 · 29/04/2023 11:37

You don't have to have a DNA test if you don't want to.

Original poster
mychel · 29/04/2023 11:43

Ponoka7 · 29/04/2023 11:25

Totally selfish, I suppose he hasn't even thought of your children in all of this? They could have biological relations that they'll want to meet etc. He should have got you tested as soon as the tests were reliable, or took it to the grave.

No he certainly hasn’t thought of the devastation this will cause to my children. He very obviously has his favourites anyway so this will only cement that in my children’s minds.

OP posts:
Original poster
mychel · 29/04/2023 11:46

TreeLine23 · 29/04/2023 11:37

You don't have to have a DNA test if you don't want to.

He was going to try to steal some hair or some of my child’s hair to test behind my back. There was ample opportunities over the years to do this.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 29/04/2023 11:55

He may haven it as a possibility since you were born, but maybe something has just come up which has led to him questioning further. Maybe someone has come forward to say they think they're your dad/halfsibling etc.

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 11:58

mychel · 29/04/2023 11:46

He was going to try to steal some hair or some of my child’s hair to test behind my back. There was ample opportunities over the years to do this.

Show quote history

He openly admitted this?