To be really annoyed by this?

[mychel]

So myself and dh are on our first holiday in 5 years. My dh has a medical condition that requires medical treatment while abroad so my father offered us the use of his house abroad. When it came to the holiday and logistics we decided that it might be easier to stay near the treatment facility where it would be easier to get to and from. Then about 2 weeks before we departed my father announced he was going out to his house and would be there during our stay. I was surprised as his partner wasn’t going with him just him alone but decided ah it would be nice to see him whilst out here. The first morning while my husband was at treatment my father asked to come meet me for coffee. During this coffee he dropped a bombshell that actually it turns out he’s possibly not my father after all and wants me to take a dna test. (Yes I’m actually serious) he’s decided after 40 something years and about 10 years since my mother passed away that he wants to know for sure if I’m his. So of course I’ve been in shock and very upset that I’ve been lied to for years and years but I’m more upset that he’s decided to do this now during our much longed for holiday after a very tough ( years of health and family issues). I’m also obviously annoyed that I’ve been lied to my entire life but he also has basically banned me from discussing it with anyone outside of dh. Am I being unreasonable to be so upset at the fact that he has destroyed our holiday?

I’m also obviously annoyed that I’ve been lied to my entire life but he also has basically banned me from discussing it with anyone outside of dh.

Let me get this straight.

DF wants you to take a DNA test - why? Is he going to disown you after 4 decades of being/acting as your dad if the test says you're not his bio child?

He also wants you to keep HIS shabby secret. Why? So he gets his own way (is he hoping for some kind of retroactive moral victory?), but he thinks you should be made to act like you are something shameful, & are not allowed to discuss your feelings about this awful bombshell your dad has chosen to land on you?

Could you send him one message like...
"I agreed to have the test. I'll do that when I get back. Until then you need to talk about this to someone else because it is literally Not my problem and I am not remotely curious. I need to have a mental break from everyone else's worries now. That's why I am going to ignore your messages until I'm ready to do the test, which is a little while after I get back. I'm not mad at you I just can't take on your worries & problems. Take care" (or however you would usually sign off).

And literally block his messages. They can go into a black hole until you unblock him & let him know you're ready.

It sounds like this ignore-until strategy is an option for you. He is U to hassle you.

Amazingly, people are capable of holding more than one thought at a time.
Your post seems critical of OP - the exclamation point didn't soften the cutting nature of your opening sentence.

Why do you think OP shouldn't be annoyed/disappointed/distressed about this news spoiling her holiday? It's not her fault her DF chose to break this nasty news to her. If he were a better dad (bio or not) he'd have kept it to himself. What is the point of upsetting OP with it now, in her 40's?

His actions were selfish & cruel.
it would be that he thought it would bean opp for you to digest the news, talk to him, ask questions etc without normal life distractions
Nope.
Where & when he broke this news isn't the issue.
The issue is, that 40 years after having OP, he now chooses to hurt her with his suspicions. Even if they are true, she's not responsible for any alleged wrongdoing on her mother's part.

He maintains it’s in case I ever needed something medically related highly unlikely.

Mendacious twat.
Your medical needs didn't worry him for 40 years.
What a stinking hypocrite.

Apparently my mother told him before the wedding that there was a very slim chance that baby might not be his.
So he went ahead with the wedding anyway, accepting this slim possibility.
It's so unfair for him to bring it up now.
He married your mum, knowing a child was on the way, & that made him your legal father.

I just don’t see the benefit of bringing any of this up now apart from him to clear his own head and possibly related to him telling his partner.
His head was already clear. He knew what he was doing. Your mum was upfront & honest with him. How dare he change his mind now, & bring you into it?
He doesn't need to tell his partner, & he certainly shouldn't have told you.

Honestly if it was me I’d be telling him he’ll have to take it to the grave, and I wouldn’t agree to any test. Nothing.

I suspect this is about inheritance, there is literally no reason why someone has to drop this kind of bombshell on someone after 40 years. The whole “in case you need medical treatment” line is a load of bollocks.

And I’d be telling him that either he backs off or I would tell everyone. How dare he drop this on you now. This is not your secret to have to keep.

My dad is my dad, and if it transpired now that he might not be I wouldn’t want to know.

Genuinely I think that if you’re brought up by someone, if they’re your parent, then it really doesn’t mattter in the scheme of things. I would have no interest in any potential other siblings and what-not because my family are my family.

ho hum, you've had 40+ years of not having this info, which lack of information you obviously prefer. But what if you Preferred to know? How dare he deny you of this information if you actually prefer to know. So he can't win, he can't presume which knowledge status you prefer without giving you a choice.

The "win" here is retroactive. He can't have a "win" now, because he's just fucked up really badly.
He could have found out - as OP told us - at any point during OP's childhood, when having medical tests/check ups etc.

Had he done so, & found he was not OP's bio father, she could have been told kindly & appropriately, as a youngster, while her mum was still alive. Parents presenting a united front, telling OP that dad chose to stay & chose to love her as his own.

He chose not to do that.
That's fine & dandy, but now the opportunity has passed, he's changed his mind & was comfortable with wounding OP - his CHILD, no matter the genetic facts - in order to satisfy his selfishness.

😂A 'point' so close to his heart that he did fuck-all about it for 4 decades?

This has clearly tormented him for 40 years.
It clearly hasn't, as he can give no better reason for choosing to tell OP than his bullshit "but potential medical.genetic stiff" which obviously didn't torment him for 40 years, or he would have taken steps to address it, for the benefit of OP's health.
He didn't, so he didn't care, so it's not about medical stuff.

It might not have been his decision to stay quiet
He made the decision to stay quiet when OP's mum told him of the possibility BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED. He could have insisted on a DNA test at that point, & walked away if he wanted to.
He chose not to test. he chose to marry, & he chose to stay quiet.

It's totally ridiculous that he waited you were on holiday to ambush you with this, I'm not surprised you are fuming! He could have waited a few weeks until you were back home.

I would block him for now whilst you come to terms with it and try enjoy your holiday.

Ok, talk to me like I'm 5.

How did he wound OP with this suspicion?
Did he say he loves her less, or will love her less if she's not biologically his?
Did he tell OP she should condemn her mother?
Did he say it was OP's fault?
Did he say that's why he hated her mother?
Did he tell OP that he KNEW for sure she wasn't his & therefore he KNOWS she's been lied to?
Did he say he will stop caring about OP's children if they aren't his bio GKids?
Did he say he regrets raising her & regarding her as his daughter?

I agree that he shouldn't badger her about it, nag her or tell her what to do with the information. I'm 100% in support of OP stamping her feet, telling him off for the nagging & to take his over-excitement about the potential revelation, elsewhere. This whole situation is his problem, not hers.

it sounds like when excitement in his mind has calmed down (presumably weeks from now), that OP might get some sense out of him on the "Why Now" question. The "medical things" excuse is weird, I wouldn't be satisfied with that either, but could let it lie for now.

How can you possibly say it has not tormented him? I presume you are a female and if you are a mother, I think you can be fairly certain that your child is yours, bar any highly unusual hospital mix up. I think it is hard to comprehend how a man might feel, especially when the mother had hinted that he might or might not be the father.

Who is to say that the right response was to that? We didn’t have DNA testing 40+ years ago, so it was not as simple as taking a test, he chose to stand by OP’s mother.

As to picking the right moment, what was the right moment? There was never going to be a good time for this. I don’t understand “why now”. Why yesterday? Why the day before? Why five years before? None were good times because there are no good times for this,

ps I am not sure why my post has gone into italics but I am on a mobile and don’t know how to fix it.

What a self-centred and thoughtless thing for him to do.

I really think that you should tell at least one other person you trust about what he has done so you can get some support. And then not speak to him until after your holiday.

This kind of thing can be deeply unsettling and destabilising. If it feels like that for you after it's sunk in a bit then counselling would probably be really helpful.

Only take the DNA test if it's something you yourself want to know. It actually shouldn't make any different to him at this stage, you are the daughter he raised either way.

I agree with @JudgeRudy

I agree that the timing is poor but some people just don't think the same way as you and he may have thought it was better to tell you away from the family. He can't insist you do anything or that you do it on his timescales and he can't insist you don't tell anyone else. If he being push tell him you're on holiday and not replying to any more of his messages.

Having said that, his feelings matter too and this could be on his mind and sounds like it has been on his mind for some time. If it really is just the timing of the holiday then it's bigger than the holiday anyway so I consider that a bit of a red herring.

I don't think the holiday is a red herring at all. He doesn't want op to tell people, so has told her while she was away from her siblings. Much harder conversation to have by phone, so this way he gets to pressure her to have the dna test results by the time she is home. Look after yourself op, he is not your priority right now.

@mychel - I can’t fathom why some people are questioning why you’re so pissed off right now. I’d feel exactly the same. Maybe they don’t understand how it feels to be utterly exhausted and not just short term exhaustion, long term and looking forward to a break only for someone to drop a fuckton of stress on you whilst you’re on holiday.

And not only that, he’s come on the actual holiday to harass you. Why? Why does he have to do this now? I’m raging on your behalf. I totally understand your point of view as I have a DF who would behave in exactly the same way. It’s a control thing. He’s decided he wants to know now and to hell with how the timing impacts you. He will harass you until he believes the issue is resolved. Awful behaviour snd makes me feel stressed just thinking about it as my own DF has done these type of things to me too (although not as high stakes).

Do the test today and tell him to go home.

Thanks everyone I’ve told a couple of close friends who don’t know my family well and they agree with me. We have made a couple of decisions while we are here myself and dh. I certainly won’t be the walk over I have been a putting myself first from here on out.

Ask him to reimburse the price of your holiday

It really feels like he’s got you out there with a lure of a ‘holiday’ to corner you. It’s awful.

Following on from my earlier post, is there no way you can find alternative accommodation and then block him for the duration of the holiday? Also tell your siblings what’s going on.

Just to clarify we are paying for our own holiday and are not staying with him. I have put the foot down on contact but he’s insisting on driving us to the airport tomorrow. I have seen him since and it was awkward as hell. I do have a suspicion his partner is behind all this. He’s already managed to alienate 2 of my brothers and 1 sister partially before this so this is why he doesn’t want me telling anyone in family . I do have friends to confide in just was starting to think they were biased which is why I asked the questions. With over 90% asking same questions as me I assume I’m not. Thanks for the help everyone. I know I’m not loosing my mind at least though when you think nothing else can push you over the edge 🤔 don’t trust that feeling.

How's your relationship with your siblings?
I would consider telling them

This all sounds horribly stressful, I really feel for you having your much needed holiday ruined with this. If you're going to go ahead with the DNA testing, would it feel better if it were you who were in control of sending off the samples and receiving the results etc.? That way, it would be up to you to reveal the results to whoever you should choose, and if that doesn't include your DF, then that's up to you!

Inheritance is at the root of this, I'll wager. Awful behaviour from your Dad, manipulation and control, trying to isolate you and browbeat you into silence with his plans. @mychel I hope your siblings give you lots of support over this.

I understand fully why this is upsetting for you. I don’t get the whole holiday thing if I’m completely honest and how sacrosanct that is to you so maybe he doesn’t either. He is prob thinking it’s away from life’s pressures..