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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be really annoyed by this?

89 replies

mychel · 29/04/2023 10:16

So myself and dh are on our first holiday in 5 years. My dh has a medical condition that requires medical treatment while abroad so my father offered us the use of his house abroad. When it came to the holiday and logistics we decided that it might be easier to stay near the treatment facility where it would be easier to get to and from. Then about 2 weeks before we departed my father announced he was going out to his house and would be there during our stay. I was surprised as his partner wasn’t going with him just him alone but decided ah it would be nice to see him whilst out here. The first morning while my husband was at treatment my father asked to come meet me for coffee. During this coffee he dropped a bombshell that actually it turns out he’s possibly not my father after all and wants me to take a dna test. (Yes I’m actually serious) he’s decided after 40 something years and about 10 years since my mother passed away that he wants to know for sure if I’m his. So of course I’ve been in shock and very upset that I’ve been lied to for years and years but I’m more upset that he’s decided to do this now during our much longed for holiday after a very tough ( years of health and family issues). I’m also obviously annoyed that I’ve been lied to my entire life but he also has basically banned me from discussing it with anyone outside of dh. Am I being unreasonable to be so upset at the fact that he has destroyed our holiday?

OP posts:
Original poster
mychel · 29/04/2023 11:58

MargaretThursday · 29/04/2023 11:55

He may haven it as a possibility since you were born, but maybe something has just come up which has led to him questioning further. Maybe someone has come forward to say they think they're your dad/halfsibling etc.

No 3rd party in this apparently. The other person involved has no idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
mychel · 29/04/2023 12:01

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 11:58

He openly admitted this?

Show quote history

He did!

OP posts:
YeOldeTrout · 29/04/2023 12:03

ho hum, you've had 40+ years of not having this info, which lack of information you obviously prefer. But what if you Preferred to know? How dare he deny you of this information if you actually prefer to know. So he can't win, he can't presume which knowledge status you prefer without giving you a choice.

He's still the only dad you have. Nothing has actually changed but a bit of your family history you didn't know before.

You can cooperate with him on condition him that he's never to tell you the result because it makes ZERO difference in your life. I don't think he was U to tell you now, there was never a right time.

I had a very similar decision to make once, by the way. Am speaking with some experience. FWIW, in our family, most of us greatly wanted to know and some wanted to stay ignorant.

YeOldeTrout · 29/04/2023 12:05

Is he generally impatient & demanding, is this what he's like about everything?

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 12:16

Op do you like him? Close to him?

because it seems you can’t stand him

so presumably element of relief

Floralnomad · 29/04/2023 12:19

Are you sure he hasn’t already done the hair thing and knows the answer but doesn’t want to admit it .

Original poster
mychel · 29/04/2023 12:24

YeOldeTrout · 29/04/2023 12:03

ho hum, you've had 40+ years of not having this info, which lack of information you obviously prefer. But what if you Preferred to know? How dare he deny you of this information if you actually prefer to know. So he can't win, he can't presume which knowledge status you prefer without giving you a choice.

He's still the only dad you have. Nothing has actually changed but a bit of your family history you didn't know before.

You can cooperate with him on condition him that he's never to tell you the result because it makes ZERO difference in your life. I don't think he was U to tell you now, there was never a right time.

I had a very similar decision to make once, by the way. Am speaking with some experience. FWIW, in our family, most of us greatly wanted to know and some wanted to stay ignorant.

I guess without knowing everything and the whole history and circumstances you might be right but my questions were why now? I have no desire to put another family through turmoil and everything else that comes with this. I’m not denying anyone anything I’m an adult who’s just been delivered this news I should be allowed to process and decide what to do. I’ve asked for space which he’s not respecting I’ve had 3 calls today alone and it was the same the last 2 days I already told him this morning and last night I had plans this morning he’s not respecting my boundaries. I’ve told him to organise the test and I’ll do it just to know one way or another but either way I’m done now. I have always been the one at beck and call when he needs something and I actually feel quite used. I just want to go home now to be honest and not be here. There may never have been a good time for this conversation but I actually feel he has robbed me of the one thing I needed most and that was a complete break and rest. I’m going home broken and a complete mess as opposed to relaxed and rejuvenated.

OP posts:
Original poster
mychel · 29/04/2023 12:45

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 12:16

Op do you like him? Close to him?

because it seems you can’t stand him

so presumably element of relief

I would probably say I’ve had a closer relationship than any of my siblings bar one sister who idolises him. I’m not that type of character but I used to work along side him in family business, was the one looking after him when my mother passed away. So yes we have always had a good relationship albeit broken currently. Honestly if you had asked me to predict this I wouldn’t have been able to

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 29/04/2023 13:45

speaking as someone who once had to be traced by distant relatives and warned of potentially lethal genetic disease in the family, I can see his point

Outgrabe · 29/04/2023 13:50

mychel · 29/04/2023 12:45

I would probably say I’ve had a closer relationship than any of my siblings bar one sister who idolises him. I’m not that type of character but I used to work along side him in family business, was the one looking after him when my mother passed away. So yes we have always had a good relationship albeit broken currently. Honestly if you had asked me to predict this I wouldn’t have been able to

Show quote history

I must say that from the tone of your posts, I had also assumed you had a poor or actively hostile relationship with him.

I’m also very struck by how angry you are that he’s told you this, rather than being angry with both him and your mother for not telling you for all those years. Obviously it’s your right to feel how you feel about something that is potentially destabilising to your family and your sense of self, but I can’t imagine not wanting to have all the information about my origins, even if I was determined not to meet any biological parents that might emerge.

Lefteyetwitch · 29/04/2023 14:00

He can't tell you what to do!
Tell people.
Tell all your siblings!

You can do it or not.
I would message him stating that you will be blocking him for the remainder of your holiday.
That you have not yet made a decision on if you will do the DNA test or not and that he has no say in this.
That he's not to contact you until you contact him.

Stemmingthetide · 29/04/2023 14:26

@Outgrabe its the timing the op is angry about.

After 40 years he chooses to gatecrash her much needed holiday to tell her the news. He is then constantly harassing her, on her much needed holiday, rather than giving her space to absorb the information.

zurala · 29/04/2023 14:37

If it were me, I would message him:

I've thought about it and decided I don't want to do the test. It doesn't matter to me either way, you have always been my dad and that's how I see you. If you're doing this to decide whether to write me out of your will, just do that anyway, if you've decided you no longer want to be my dad. I don't know why you are suddenly so obsessed with this and it's really hurtful. I thought you loved me, but it doesn't feel like it the way you are acting.

I would be so, so hurt. OP I'm really sorry you are going through this. He is being utterly shitty. He should have done this years ago, the boat has sailed.

LaMaG · 29/04/2023 14:50

I would be furious about ruining the holiday. His timing was selfish and unfair. However it is done now and finding out the truth is obviously very important to him and I'm sure he is not a young man. IMO this man raised you and went through all the crap that goes along with raising a family. If you doing this test brings him piece of mind then I think you should do it for his sake. If he is your father then it's just a storm in a tea cup. If not, he resolves whatever issues he has. Chances are that's where the story ends unless he knows who the other man is. He will still always be your Dad no matter what so remember that.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this now when you should be relaxing. Hugs xxx

Theunamedcat · 29/04/2023 15:03

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 12:16

Op do you like him? Close to him?

because it seems you can’t stand him

so presumably element of relief

All I'm getting is anger he is adding to her already heavy load just how much more does he want her to take? Middle of treatment during a much needed holiday after loads of stress SOUNDS PERFECT!

dick move

Theunamedcat · 29/04/2023 15:04

Personally I would say no I don't want to do this

Then buy an ancestry DNA kit and see if my family showed up

Also tell your siblings they should know what he is doing

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 15:11

Theunamedcat · 29/04/2023 15:03

All I'm getting is anger he is adding to her already heavy load just how much more does he want her to take? Middle of treatment during a much needed holiday after loads of stress SOUNDS PERFECT!

dick move

Show quote history

Yes so he sounds an absolute twat

he utter thoughtlessness won’t have come out of the blue to the OP.

I suspect that their relationship was pretty bleak before his behaviour now so my point was…. Op, you’re not related to this tool that you clearly dislike. Eventually that will be reason to celebrate

Maddy70 · 29/04/2023 15:12

I would refuse. Just say you don't want to. It doesn't matter to you if he's your biological dad or not

After all this time do you think he is OK? Sounds as if he could be having a mental health issue

Coolblur · 29/04/2023 15:13

Have you ask him what difference it makes for him to know? He should have asked himself that. Surely it doesn't matter at this stage, he's your father regardless of whether he is biologically. Does he plan on your relationship changing if you're not actually blood relatives?

JudgeRudy · 29/04/2023 15:16

This must be very shocking news and I can understand your anger however I'm going to suggest an alternative view. You're saying his timing is appalling (it is) and that you'd have rather not have known about the doubts and that he's selfish...and on the face of things he is but I think you're disregarding his feelings.
This has clearly tormented him for 40 years. It might not have been his decision to stay quiet. Now your mum is dead he has had freedom to play it his way but he's debated if it would be a good or a bad thing. You talk about favourites. Maybe he knows that this doubt has subconsciously affected how he relates to you. Ultimately he hadca choice. The secret was becoming unbearable and he felt you both deserved the truth. He sounds an honest man as he's told you how he was tempted to 'steal' dna for testing but decided that would be unethical so didn't.
Regards why you should know he probably can't articulate. I think everyone should know who their biological parents are...and aren't!
He's chosen now because he wants to talk with you F2F. He's probably not considered how much you needed this break and that this is your 'holiday' and this is poor timing.
Ignoring your boundaries though is selfish. Tell him to leave you alone and that if he contacts you again you'll be off and they'll be no test.
I would give this time to settle and not make any hasty decisions. Also don't overlook your mothers part in this. They both did what they thought was right at the time. You're dad has likely felt for sometime (since your mum's passing?) that that wasn't the right action. He's tried to keep it in but he can't. His need is maybe greater than yours.

Original poster
mychel · 29/04/2023 15:38

I have asked why now and if his need is so great he should have insisted years ago, when my mother was around to sit down and have this conversation. The reason I’m showing anger towards him is the timing, after everything we have going on at home I was looking forward to a real rest. I just feel it could have been brought up so many times over the years. I have agreed to the test and I just want it over with tbh, how he has gone about this has fractured the relationship we did have.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 29/04/2023 15:45

I think you are being unfair on him

40 years ago maybe he made the decision to take it to his grave, but things have changed, people get their DNA checked as a hobby these days, and the chances of it never coming out are zero. Anyone in your family if diagnosed with a genetic defect, or any one of your children ever do one of those silly ancestry things, and it will be public knowledge,

and anyway, it sounds like the chances are, you are his.

billy1966 · 29/04/2023 15:46

What an awful man your father is.

You should inform your whole family what he has done.

Why are you following orders not to tell anyone?

He dodoesn'get to decide whom you speak to.

A man like that, so selfish, it won't be any great loss.

Step away OP, he sounds so selfish and awful.

Lefteyetwitch · 29/04/2023 15:50

Nimbostratus100 · 29/04/2023 15:45

I think you are being unfair on him

40 years ago maybe he made the decision to take it to his grave, but things have changed, people get their DNA checked as a hobby these days, and the chances of it never coming out are zero. Anyone in your family if diagnosed with a genetic defect, or any one of your children ever do one of those silly ancestry things, and it will be public knowledge,

and anyway, it sounds like the chances are, you are his.

And the reason he couldn't have done this in 2 weeks?

TomatoSandwiches · 29/04/2023 16:00

The only one being unfair is your father, he is a real piece of work deciding to do this on your much needed holiday and even after agreeing to the test is ignoring your boundaries and harassing you daily with phone calls.

He is selfish, rude and entitled.

I'd be telling all the siblings.

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