To want to keep the money?

[2GIRLS]

My parents put some money into my bank account today, and when I told my dp he made a remark about using it for his tax bill.
Basically, I want to use the money to do up the dc's bedrooms which is what my mum and dad intended it be used for, but I know that my dp will want to use it for the tax bill which he's now been hit with because he didn't pay his NI for years (not on purpose) and also to pay for the course he is doing at the moment.

I don't work so am supported by my dp so I know that any money that comes in should go into the pot and be used for what is needed at the time, but my parents have given me money at various times before and it's either gone straight to him or been used for the kids' christmas presents or things we needed for the house.
I don't have any problem with that and my dp doesn't have any issue with what I spend (within reason!), but we really need the bedrooms done so our ds (10 month)can move into his own room and I really want to use this money because it's me thats disturbed by him in the night.

Is it unreasonable to keep the money and not give it to him to pay his bill and for this course that he's doing (which is a bit of a sore point because he chose to start it when our ds was only a few months old - planned baby this time he was going to be sooo involved...) and I'm left with all the kids because he's studying.

And how can I tell my parents that I couldn't do the bedrooms or garden (that needs done too, kids can't play in it) because he needed it!!

Don't really know what to do. Haven't really spoken to him properlyas he's working but I just know how it's going to go IYSWIM.

I'd give the money back, and then do the bedrooms and ask your parents if they'd pay for the stuff directly, so that the money isn't in your account, and it's your parents who are in charge of what the money goes on. Or do that the next time they want to give you cash.

Tell him your parents gave you the money specifically for the bedrooms and your Mum wants to go shopping with you for the stuff. I don't think you're being unreasonable unless it was the ONLY way you could pay the tax bill.

YANBU to want to use the money from your parents to do up the bedrooms and garden. But equally, your DH would NBU to ask you to go out to work to help contribute to the family finances.

I actually thought of just giving the money back to them, I didn't ask for it but they give me and my sister some every so often (which is very much appreciated and they aren't particularly loaded themselves).

I'd just feel a bit silly if I asked them to pay for it directly they'd wonder what on earth's going on that my dp is trying to steal all the money or something!

Mmm. But what's going to happen about the tax bill?

Personally I would ask him to talk to your parents about the need to pay the tax bill with the money, and if they are all right with it, I'm afraid I would pay the tax bill. And then have a talk about the general allocation of resources, particularly time, in your family. Perhaps he could take on the 'bedrooming' of the 10mo old - a good project for him that would make a difference to you?

Can understand your feelings entirely.

I would love to go to work, well I wouldn't really but I definitely would to help out with the finances. But there is no one to look after the children and I'd have to earn loads to jusify childcare, which is why I don't work at the moment.

can you not try and divide the money between the 2 things. yanbu to want to do up ds's room but at the same time your dh inbu in wanting to get himself out of debt before doing the house up.

how much do you really think you will need to get the room sorted, a lick of paint and few pictures wont cost much, or do you need all new furniture as well?

If your parents gave you the money for a specific reason then thats what it should be spent on.

The money is not your DH's to do what he wants with, don't give it him.. it is not your place or your parents place to pay off his debts.

You should use it to do up the bedrooms. It was a gift from your parents, plus what would he have done if they hadn't given you the money?

If you give it back, just explain the reason why, that so their dgc can have their rooms and garden done, it's the best way, otherwise it'll be spent on a tax bill. Extra money like this as gifts really should be used as intended.

I'm really annoyed with the tax thing, he was self employed for years and didn't realised that he needed to pay a different part of NI (WHY didn't he find out exactly what needed to be done...) so now they want £500 which isn't THAT bad but we don't have a spare £500 but we could pay it without getting into trouble.

But, my mum was asking me the other week how much my student loan was and when I told her she offered to pay it but I said that I didn't want to pay it all off because if I had the money I would rather do the kids' bedrooms and garden ect.

So my loans don't get paid but his take priority.

But he is the only earner in the house and anything that he earns goes to the bills, the kids, me ect so I feel bad. But in my mind we should just use this money to do house up and just cary on as if we never had it.

Is it much money?

Could you do the bedroom up a bit cheaper & use the rest towards the tax bill.

I wouldn't give him it towards the course, that's his look out. But I would help with the tax bill as it would have an effect on you both if not paid.

Your mum sounds lovely

Dh is having a rough time at the minute, as he's self employed and a guy owes him almost £10,000 for a job since before Christmas.

We are on to our last £100 with not much hope of the ten grand being paid soon.. I happened to mention it to my dad on Friday. Almost immediately he had his wallet out asking me what bills needed paid etc...

I said no thanks, we'll sort something out, as dh would be a bit annoyed at me telling our business.. he said not to worry, but as soon as we had a bill that needed paying just to phone him.

I'm glad the offer is there but we would rather try & sort something out ourselves first.

Did your mum specify what the cash must be spent on?

Ask your parents to lend you the money for the tax bill, and say you will pay them back asap.

She does sound lovely.
I think though, that family finances are a joint responsibility. You seem to be a bit resentful of the tax bill, but another way of looking at it is that he only has a tax bill because he's going out to work and providing for you and the kids

Pistachio, I never looked at it like that before, I'm definitely going to use that in our argument conversation.

Thanks BrownSuga, she is lovely. She hasn't really got anything for herself at all but she inherited a bit and wants to help me and my sister and it's so appreciated.

Sorry so many posts from me...

My mum in law works for a solvency company & she says that the tax man will be the first to bankrupt you if he had to.

Dh had a big tax bill this time too & we paid it as soon as we could as the fear of bankruptcy became too much!

I'd rather have myu dp's tax bill paid & not be in debt to the tax man than have nice rooms!! But I can see where you are coming from

WallOfSilence, my father asked me if I needed money because he said he knows its hard with 3 kids ect and I said no we're fine but thanks. When I saw that the money had gone in I called them and said that it was so appreciated but they didn't have to do that and why don't you spend the money on yourself? I have never asked them for any money, ever.

And when we were talking about the loan I didn't say give me the money and Ill spend it on something else, it was a long conversation and I said that we have so many other things to do for the kids that I couldn't let them pay the loan as it's not important to pay it off at the moment.

My dp has been in the same boat he's in construction and at times we've been hoping a miracle would happen and he'd get the money he was owed or that he'd get another contract in time to pay the mortgage, but I never mentioned it to my parents and we've always got by ourselves.

Sorry, posts crossed.
I know the bill has to be paid, but it's still annoying! If he'd been more organised it could have been paid as and when instead of in a lump which we don't have. Well, actually we do have it now I suppose! I just really want the bedrooms done up, the house is like a building site because even though he's in construction theres no constructing going on here! We are swapping rooms with our girls and they need new beds, rooms need decorating and we will need new furniture so it will cost quite a bit which is why they haven't been done yet.
And baby can finally go into his own room.

presumably your student loan doesn't have to be repaid until you're earning, but the tax man will be after your dh's arrears pretty soon, and if it's not paid, then interest will be added.

I think the tax bill should be paid first, then the bedroom done, I'm afraid. Your 10 month old doesn't need a perfectly coordinated nursery, just a cot in a room. As someone else has said, a tin of white paint costs very little. What needs doing in the garden? Couldn't you borrow tools/ mower and do it for next to nothing?

Like someone else said on another thread, I don't understand families, where the adults have separate finances...he goes to work outside the home, and contributes money, you stay at home and look after the kids which would cost money if you were at work. You both contribute in different ways, and it would make sense for your finances to be all in one pot, too.

x-posted