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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to keep the money?

80 replies

2GIRLS · 16/02/2008 20:50

My parents put some money into my bank account today, and when I told my dp he made a remark about using it for his tax bill.
Basically, I want to use the money to do up the dc's bedrooms which is what my mum and dad intended it be used for, but I know that my dp will want to use it for the tax bill which he's now been hit with because he didn't pay his NI for years (not on purpose) and also to pay for the course he is doing at the moment.

I don't work so am supported by my dp so I know that any money that comes in should go into the pot and be used for what is needed at the time, but my parents have given me money at various times before and it's either gone straight to him or been used for the kids' christmas presents or things we needed for the house.
I don't have any problem with that and my dp doesn't have any issue with what I spend (within reason!), but we really need the bedrooms done so our ds (10 month)can move into his own room and I really want to use this money because it's me thats disturbed by him in the night.

Is it unreasonable to keep the money and not give it to him to pay his bill and for this course that he's doing (which is a bit of a sore point because he chose to start it when our ds was only a few months old - planned baby this time he was going to be sooo involved...) and I'm left with all the kids because he's studying.

And how can I tell my parents that I couldn't do the bedrooms or garden (that needs done too, kids can't play in it) because he needed it!!

Don't really know what to do. Haven't really spoken to him properlyas he's working but I just know how it's going to go IYSWIM.

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 16/02/2008 21:51

You should do up the rooms and tell your DP/H to sort himself out.

alfiesbabe · 16/02/2008 21:52

Trouble is NAB, he could then turn round and tell her to sort herself out

alfiesbabe · 16/02/2008 21:52

Trouble is NAB, he could then turn round and tell her to sort herself out

WestCountryLass · 16/02/2008 21:54

Just my humble opinion but I would put it to pay for the tax bill. I know you said that is his issue but it is a family issue as he is the financial provider and you have both benefitted from him not paying the tax/NI and now it is time to foot the bill (speaking as a SAHM married to a self employed husband).

Why does your 10month old have to have a decirated room? S/he will not know, you can move them to the room and do it up when you can afford it.

Original poster

2GIRLS · 16/02/2008 21:57

I'm not paying the student loan because I'm not earning, which is why I said to my mum it's not the most pressing debt to be paid.

My ds isn't going to have a perfect nursery it's just that at the moment his cot is so close to my bed when he wakes in the night he pulls my hair, and we disturb him when we come in to go to bed. I just think we'll all get a better night sleep if he was in his own room.

I've got 2 dd's, aged 7 and 6, and I'd like to get their bedrooms sorted for them. At the moment they are in their own rooms but they need to get into their proper rooms as I have to put their clothes in crates, they don't have a wardrobe they don't have any where to really put their toys, as we're going to do their room up so I don't want to spend money getting stuff for their rooms now.

The whole garden needs to dug out, drainage has to be put in, it needs filled over then turfed. Wish only needed a mower but we needed a jcb digger!

We don't have seperate finances, I don't work so all the money is ours, I spend what I need to and I go out and have the odd starbucks coffee too

OP posts:

alfiesbabe · 16/02/2008 21:59

Exactly WestCountryLass. Babies won't remember whether they had a colour coordinated room - in fact my ds much preferred our bedroom to his

lazarou · 16/02/2008 21:59

If you do decide to pay the bill, won't your parents ask you why you haven't started decorating yet? Then you will have to mention the bill, and then they might be upset because you didn't just mention it in the first place......etc etc

or not?

WallOfSilence · 16/02/2008 22:01

NAB, you would do the rooms & let your dp sort himself out...? Nice. Do you not do relationships then? Surely it's both their debt if they are in a relationship where there are children involved?

I know if it were me I wouldn't even think of doing the rooms when a bill needed paid.

But then maybe I am wrong... it wouldn't be the first time.

WallOfSilence · 16/02/2008 22:03

"We don't have seperate finances, I don't work so all the money is ours, I spend what I need to and I go out and have the odd starbucks coffee too"

So when you get a £££ gift from your mum, that's yours is it? Not ours

moondog · 16/02/2008 22:05

Bills need to come first.
They affect all of you and are far more important than paint and wallpaper which should wait.

edam · 16/02/2008 22:07

I think it's a bit mean of dh to say 'that's MINE' straight off. Did you tell him your parents gave it to you for the kids or did he bite your hand off before you'd even got that far? Money given by someone for a purpose should ideally be used for that purpose unless there's a bloody good reason why not. He wasn't bothered about his NI billl when he signed up to this course, was he?

I'm also confused about how he's managed to avoid NI payments - I'm self employed and anything you haven't contributed during the tax year you have to pay with your tax return. Unless I've been doing something wrong all these years...

Original poster

2GIRLS · 16/02/2008 22:09

SueW, I'm not 100% but they threatened court if it wasn't paid so it's something that needs to be paid, I know.

It's just that it would have been paid whether we got this money from my parents or not.
I know I'm probably being selfish but I REALLY want the bedrooms or garden done up!
My mum gave me £2,500 last year when she got her inheritence (v lovely of her, I know) and I put it straight into an account of his to clear the overdraft. And any money they have given me has gone into the house and on the kids which I couldn't care less about, they're my kids and I live here! (hope I don't sound like spoilt cow cos I promise I'm not!)

But he decided to do this course which costs about £1000 and I'm left with kids while he studys, and we got a new laptop because he needed it for his course (ok, I am using it) but it's all money which is coming out of our pot. Is it ok for him to spend what he wants because he earns it and anything I get I should hand over because after all, he earns all the money?

I should add that this house isn't in my name at all...

OP posts:

lazarou · 16/02/2008 22:14

Use the money to decorate and give everyone more space.
If your mum had not given you the money the bill would still be there.

alfiesbabe · 16/02/2008 22:15

No,2GIRLS, it's not right that he should spend on whatever he wants and you should have to hand everything over. If you are in this as a family, it should be a joint thing. Is this course something which will lead to better job prospects and thereby benefit the whole family? Or is it just a hobby? I think if it's the latter, then he's being unreasonable if money is tight, but if the former, then fair enough. I've occasionally had bits of money from my parents in the past, which I contributed to the general pot, and likewise, when DH inherited money from his father, that became joint money. Is the problem that money is just too tight to live on one income?

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 16/02/2008 22:16

I just meant that he has got himself in this mess and he is expecting his inlaws to get him out of it.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 16/02/2008 22:17

Or what would he be doing if they hadn't given the money? Why should it be handed to him on a plate when he doesn't seem to be trying to sort it out himself.

moondog · 16/02/2008 22:17

Why isn't the house in your name?

I think this feeling of resentment and wanting to keep money for your priorities (as you see them) is a sign of a much deeper problem.

alfiesbabe · 16/02/2008 22:20

NAB the taxation system is ludicrously complicated, and 2GIRLS doesnt seem to be suggesting that her DH deliberately set out to avoid paying NI or tax. Many people find themselves faced with unexpected bills, and tbh, if it wasnt the tax bill, it could be the car breaking down or whatever. the point is, that for most people, family finances are seen as a joint responsibility.

Original poster

2GIRLS · 16/02/2008 22:25

The course is something that will lead to better job prospects and more money which is why I do put up and shut up so to speak, but we planned our baby and it seems that as soon as he was born he was off doing all sorts! He was talking about it last year but didn't do it, and it could have been put off for another year until ds was a bit older, it's not the easiest looking after the children while he sits at the table studying. Even though I know what it's for I want to punch his head in!

I also feel a bit resentful that he gets to fulfil his dreams of a better education ect but when I had our 1st child I gave up my life it seems, I had put myself through college and university and now if I want a job I ccan do the night shift at tesco (we have talked about me working and what I can do around the children).

I do feel that what I want doesn't come into it as he is the one that works so gets to decide IYSWIM.
Don't get me wrong he's a lovely man and is more than happy to support me and as long as I don't go overboard I can get things, but I think he likes that he's the hunter gatherer type

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 16/02/2008 22:25

I never said he had set out to not pay it but I see no signs of him trying to work out how to pay it back until his inlaws kindly gave money for their grandchildren. I know all about joint reponsibility but this isn't it. He isn't paying the bill. His inlaws are and by the sounds of it they might not know they are.

I am off to bed. I shall stay out of it as I am obviously not making my point very well.

alfiesbabe · 16/02/2008 22:31

You are making your point quite clearly. And other people are making the point that family finances are a joint thing. What if 2GIRLS suddenly had an unexpected bill? Like, erm, the council tax, heating bill or food bill?

WallOfSilence · 16/02/2008 22:34

alfiesbabe, that's exactly the point though.. it wouldn't just be 2GIRLS bill..would it? It would be a family/household bill

Emprexia · 16/02/2008 22:37

It doesn't matter wether their finances are joint or not.

Her parents gave it to HER to decorate with.. thats what it should be spent on.

alfiesbabe · 16/02/2008 22:39

I think it's fine for 2GIRLS to use it for decorating if she chooses. As long as she then accepts that the tax bill has somehow got to be paid too. Which is a joint responsibility.

Original poster

2GIRLS · 16/02/2008 22:41

Think I should add, that for all my mum's loveliness, she will not be amused that nothing has got done in the house, what she gave the money for. I don't know if this is right or wrong or that she should just understand that if I get money from her it has to be used for bills.

But also, I'm annoyed about the tax thing because it's so typical of dp to not bother to find out about what he should have been paying. If he had, it would have just been £100 per year for the 5 years they want, which we wouldn't have really noticed. But him saying that he didn't know is stupid. If you're self employed you should find out excatly what you have to pay the tax man!!!

OP posts:

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