To want to keep the money?

[2GIRLS]

My parents put some money into my bank account today, and when I told my dp he made a remark about using it for his tax bill.
Basically, I want to use the money to do up the dc's bedrooms which is what my mum and dad intended it be used for, but I know that my dp will want to use it for the tax bill which he's now been hit with because he didn't pay his NI for years (not on purpose) and also to pay for the course he is doing at the moment.

I don't work so am supported by my dp so I know that any money that comes in should go into the pot and be used for what is needed at the time, but my parents have given me money at various times before and it's either gone straight to him or been used for the kids' christmas presents or things we needed for the house.
I don't have any problem with that and my dp doesn't have any issue with what I spend (within reason!), but we really need the bedrooms done so our ds (10 month)can move into his own room and I really want to use this money because it's me thats disturbed by him in the night.

Is it unreasonable to keep the money and not give it to him to pay his bill and for this course that he's doing (which is a bit of a sore point because he chose to start it when our ds was only a few months old - planned baby this time he was going to be sooo involved...) and I'm left with all the kids because he's studying.

And how can I tell my parents that I couldn't do the bedrooms or garden (that needs done too, kids can't play in it) because he needed it!!

Don't really know what to do. Haven't really spoken to him properlyas he's working but I just know how it's going to go IYSWIM.

I see your point.

2GIRLS, do you think if your parents knew dh had a huge bill to pay they would mind you paying some of it?

It's just, I know my dh works his ass off for his little family, I know he puts every penny he spends into the bank so we can have a nice life. But, if for some reason the money wasn't there & I happened to be given some, I wouldn't think twice about offering it to him.

I guess everyone is different & you are entitled to do with it as you wish.

But, please don't be jealous of his doing his course, he is also doing that for all of your benefit. Do you think he wouldn't rather be at the park/cinema etc with the kids than sat at a table after a days work, doing course work? I bet he would give anything to have more time with you & the kids.

You seem to resent him so much though, it's coming across in your posts. Do you have to further educate yourself & can't? Is that it? Have you mentioned a course for you?

Well FWIW I know quite a few intelligent people who've been caught out by unexpected bills because the system is hugely complicated. There does seem to be an underlying resentment here. Maybe your DH is great at his job but not so great on organising the admin side. Perhaps you could support him by helping out with this, or maybe working yourself? I know you said childcare is an issue, but from the ages you said your kids were, two of them are school age so you'd only be paying for one.

So he is studying and working fulltime and you are a sahm with 2 children at school fulltime and one baby to lok after?

Sorry, but you have a cushty life. Of course your bills need to be paid first

You say you could afford the NI bill without this money so why is this even a problem? IF you use the extra money to pay the bill, you will still have enough to give the childrens rooms a lick of paint and get nice cheap furniture (everything in our house is from Ikea) It doesn't have to cost a fortune to decorate a couple of rooms

£100 a year sounds more like NI contributions (£25-£28 per quarter) than tax So it might not be a critical, but I'd still want it paid

Minority, I've been biting my tongue a bit, but you've said exactly what I wanted to say! To be a SAHM with only one kid at home is a damn sight more cushty than both parents working. I think 2GIRLS needs to wake up to how fortunate she is and be grateful she has a DH who provides for the family.

Keep the money and explain to your dp that he is gona have to save up for his tax bill.

Is it not possible to pay off the N.I. in installments? Has you DP already tried this approach with them?

I was self employed years ago and did not contribute to N.I. through a mistake. I ended up owing £1,600, which they sent a bill for saying payment was due immediately. I phoned them and they agreed to repayments in monthly installments. Can't remember how much it was each month, but it was not a lot. That way you could spend the money on the bedrooms and pay off the debt at the same time.

See ivykaty, I think that kind of selfish attitude stinks.

She didn't say he has actually asked for the money yet!

In my opinion, he shouldn't have to ask.

Actually, 2GIRLS has said she spends their money when she wants to (within reason).... so maybe if he said "No, you can't spend MY money"... then he would have the cash to pay the bill!

WallOfSilence-'Tis a very weird attitude isnt it? As I said before, maybe if DH turns round and tells her to pay the next heating or food bill, she'll realise that actually DH is doing her a favour by working. It does seem strange that everything 2GIRLS says about DH is negative - he messed up the tax bill, he's studying, he bought a lap top for his course..... maybe time she appreciated the fact that all this enables her to stay at home.

I know I'm lucky to stay at home and I know that he works hard for us, which is why I do everything and don't ask him to do anything and if I could work I would, I have been looking into it. I was prepared to work all night in tesco, I'm not a spoilt brat getting my nails done every day, far from it.

I moved away from my family and friends (near to his) so that we could have a better life, for the children and financially and so that he could not work so much and be at home with the kids a bit more.

It's not that we have loads of money that we wouldn't even notice the tax bill, but it woudl have been paid regardless, but teh point is that this money that I got unexpectedly and to be used for a specific purpose is going to be swallowed up by , yes the tax bill, which does need to be paid and also for his course.

But just because I'm a SAHM shouldn't mean that I come second to him just because he actually goes out of the house to work.

No, it won't be thousands to do the bedrooms but when you start adding things up, it starts to add up. Everything in our house is very cheap, in fact we hardly have any furniture, no carpet on the stairs, nothing decorated ect because bills and living takes priority.
But, my mum has given this money specifically, so what do I do?

Why don't you help him with the paperwork for the business that is keeping you and your family?? YOu are angry that he missed this payment but what are you doing to help him with this business?? It sounds like you are just sitting back and letting him do all the outside work

Nothing wrong with being a sahm but |I would want to be part of the income loop, not just spend what comes in

I work from home and always have, when I was married I knew exactly what was needed to be paid from both of us. I always went through exh tax returns and learnt what we both needed to pay.

setting up a business is complicated, if this is the only bill he has missed, then he's done quite well

I would try the earlier suggestion of seeing if you can pay the bill in instalments. That way you can probably get the rooms done as well. And then I'd sit down and have a heart to heart about the deeper issues. Do you resent the fact that he got the tax bill muddled? Do you resent the fact you moved away from your family and are nearer to his? (Just wondered as you raised it). Much better to talk all these things through. And start planning to get back into the workplace yourself, as your kids will all be in school before long, and then you'll be able to afford nicer things for your house.

You spend the money on what it was intended for 2Girls.

While alfie and wall do make valid points, the fact is that money was given to you to do something for the grandchildren... your DP would be unfair to take a gift away from the kids to pay a bill that he incurred through his own error.

Quite frankly i'm disgusted at the attitude you're getting from some of the posters.. being a SAHM is not a cushy life wether its one child or 3.

"it would have been paid whether we got this money from my parents or not"

Not really seeing the problem here. You are saying that, even without the gift from your parents, you can afford to pay the tax bill. So pay it. And then do the bedrooms.

But pay the bill before anything else. Assuming you don't want to throw your dp to the HMRC wolves, it's in all your interests to make sure that bill is paid.

Kaishay-I think you'll find people said it was cushty compared with having both parents working and still having to manage all the home stuff between them.
And as I've done both, I stand by that. I was at home with 3 preschoolers for a while and yeah, it was tough at times, but a damn sight easier than when I returned to work and had to drop eldest at her before-school CM, the babies at nursery, get myself to work by 8, teach all day and then come home to 3 children.
This doesnt need to be a WOHM/SAHM debate, but the OP said herself she doesnt really want to work and that she's lucky she doesnt have to.

"all this enables her to stay at home" and various other comments seem to indicate that 2girls is being selfish and "ungrateful"

how about this: "I also feel a bit resentful that he gets to fulfil his dreams of a better education ect but when I had our 1st child I gave up my life it seems..."

some of you are assuming 2girls wants to stay at home. sounds much more like she's the one who's given things up and that it's her dh that needs to wake up and smell the coffee. yes he works hard but he couldn;t do it without her. this whole working and bringing up children and trying to scrape together a bit of fulfillment is a joint effort and if anything it sounds to me like it could just be 2girls who's getting a raw deal on the fulfillment side.

not that that helps answer your question 2girls. In all honesty - if your parents gave it to you for the kids room then I don;t think you can use it for the bill. It doesn;t sound like the bill is a huge issue - yes it's a lot but you were going to have to pay it, as a family, without this unexpected gift - what was going to be sacrificed in order to pay it? well that still needs to be sacrificed.

in the bigger picture I really do think you need to talk to your dh - something's not quite right in the balance of your relationship (maybe it's not for him either - maybe he feels under huge pressure) and between you you really need to get it right again. it's really tough - but you both deserve some self-fulfillment - fulfillment needs sharing out as much as the jobs - go back to basics and talk through your (ie both of yours) hopes and dreams and work out a team way of udging a bit closer to them. (whilst keeping a solvent household and happy kids...)

alfiesbabe.. then perhaps you should keep comments about her planning to go back to work to yourself.

Her work status has nothing to do with the subject and i think you're being harsh on her.. how she and her DH live their lives or choose to split the finances are none of your business to make comments on.

The issue at hand here is wether she should keep money she was GIFTED for a SPECIFIC purpose for the job it was meant for... not to pay a bill that is entirely her DP's fault.

It is not the place of her parents to pay his NI arrears.. that should come out of his own income and the money her parents gave her be spent on what it was intended for.

Yes, but if her parents knew they had a bill to pau they might have said to pay it with the cash.

But as she says the bill would have been paid anyway then I fail to see the point of this thread.

Goodnight

ive read all these posts and im a sahm with 3 children and my dh works (v hard)everything is ours even tho i dont financially contribute i would have to pay the bill off because it is a bill and it must be paid ....your parents already know you have bills coming in and have offered to help you- whilst im certainly not suggesting you 'sponge' off them u know your hubs is owed money so u now that one day he will get it and you could ask for a loan for a bit - i dont think anyone truly has enough money when they have children and you have to live to your means and im sure your parents wouldnt want your children to sleep in decorated rooms that the taxman might take so its a case of priorities.
My fil quite often gives me £20 to treat myself but its never used purely on me i might buy a takeaway or some bathtowels or something but we all share it,the same when im given cash for birthdays i dont spend it on me i benefit but then so does my family- in fact my nanna laughed cos at xmas she sent me £10 just as sainsbury had loads of half price beef so when she asked me what id had off her for xmas and i said a huge piece of beef she said thats the joy of being a mum but i dont resent it the same way my dp doesnt resent me being at home whilst hes working all night.
its give and take and share and share alike...btw its not the end of your studying your oppurtunities will still be there when your dc are in school,enjoy being a mum get creative get the rooms sorted cheaply a bit each week maybe make that YOUR project.
im not criticizing just offering my opinion xx

also - I strongly disagree with the cushty comment - even including the comparison. it depends on who you are, what you like doing, what you're good at doing, what your dreams are - totally impossible to generalise.

Minorityrules, it's great that you are able to work from home and be part of the income loop. maybe you should tell me what you do because I thought and thought about what I could do from home to earn money but obviously I took the wrong path somewhere taht I'm not able to.

I've always tried my best for my family and moving away was part of it so that we could have a better life, I'm not resenful, I raised it because it seems that some people think I'm all out for myself.

My dp had an accountant when he was self employed, I said at the time that I could do his tax returns but decided against it as he could claim back for all sorts that I wouldn't know about. Anyway I was busy raising my kids who were born 10 months apart without any help at all, so I didn't really have the time, any time I did have was spent doing housework.

The point is that yes, the bill would be paid regardless of my mums money because it HAS to be paid but now that I do have the money, which was given specifically for a purpose, but he it was used for something elseto be paid, but I'm in a dilemma because my mum gave it for a reason and I don't think she'll be that happy if it was used for something else

i think it was the fact that 2 girls said she and her dp had 'planned'this 3rd baby leaving us thinking she enjoyed being a sahm?

do u think u should explain to your mum that you are really grateful that she gave you this money to decorate but unfortunately the bill has come in and you will need to use it for that- just to let her know whats going on?

See wallofsilence that is were I think woman get a raw deal and give themselves a raw deal. We think if we keep something for ourselves we are being selfish. The money has been given to her, but she will feel this guilt if she doesn't share it or keeps it for herself and that is sad. Her dp probably wouldn't have a problem if she spent the whole amount on herself but she will feel guilt and can't do that.