AIBU for not wanting more plastic tat

[amispeakingintongues]

At the risk of sounding like a snob, my SIL has this irritating habit of buying my son absolutely huge presents every Christmas/ birthday he's had so far. Examples: ball pit he rarely used (we lived in a studio flat at the time and he was only 6m old) big plastic Wendy house (i hate this the most), then last Christmas an electric powered car (he was only 1 and a half at the time, sure you have to be 3yrs at least) he's never liked it because it goes too fast.

So now his 2nd bday is coming up and I don't want any more huge plastic toys, so asked my partner to suggest they buy him things he needs - e.g books, games, puzzles, colouring stuff etc.

He refuses to say suggest anything to them because he thinks it's rude.

AIBU?

Quite. Honestly the OP just sounds like a snob. Nothing wrong with the gifts chosen.

@70isaLimitNotaTarget it isn’t thoughtful though to buy large toys without asking the parents first. Especially when they live in a studio flat or small apartment/house. That shows a complete lack of thought for the space poor parents.

I’d call it plastic tat too. I grew up with few plastic toys, mainly wooden, and my child will be raised the same. They are awful for the environment and IMO tat.

If you were my sister in law I'd be buying your precious kid when older playdough and lots of glitter!
The gifts she has bought....ball pit, absolutely perfect for any baby at 6 months! Wendy House and car.... you're in for a shock as most kid play with things very early on like age 2 and 3. By the tike your kid is 5 he or she will be asking your for a nintendo switch.

Yeah I find it so strange when people insist on living in a cycle of buying each other presents they don't actually want and then giving them away. My family have always done birthday/Christmas lists. I still send my mum one every year for myself 😂 For nieces and nephews I just ask their parents what they'd like and then buy that.

In my case it's because the family members refuse to believe that we really don't want anything and so buy us what they call "lovely thoughtful presents" and I call "things to sit in the back of the cupboard while I work out what to do with them". Sadly, some people get very precious about present buying.

I think it’s fine to ask for smaller gifts if you have a small house. Just say you’re struggling for space. I wouldn’t ask for specific gifts unless someone asks for ideas.

OP, my in laws are exactly the same - my kids are almost grown up now but when they were little I realised early I could NOT make any Christmas/birthday suggestions as MIL took offence and our house almost vanished under a pile of tat. These days they're a bit better - having eventually realised for example the horrible clothes they bought dc were never worn and tend to stick to money and mountains of chocolate and take a suggestion for one book, though I still get something I would never have wanted - last year it was a Jay Blades DIY manual, which I took as an unsubtle hint. I'd say make friends with the charity shop but see your dh won't countenance that, which is ridiculous. I would have give it away anyway, tell him you've loaned stuff to a friend until ds is bigger, then hope he forgets all about it (he probably will)

Apart from the car , most of those toys ( the ball pit , the Wendy House ) can be folded up .

Tat is the sort of crappy toys you play with once then the bits get lost or discarded .. There's loads of threads about party bag plastic tat - fair enough .

If I was your SIL , I'd up the ante and go for drum kit .
Metal drums, skin (made from skin, not plastic ) and wooden drumsticks .

You’re not being unreasonable. Set up an Amazon list for the things you want, link family to that.

Say you can’t cope with any more unneeded toys, please could everyone buy things he needs off this list or give cash for his future (ISA savings etc).

Make it clear that you will have to donate anything additional to charity as you don’t have the space.

@70isaLimitNotaTarget even folded up, these gifts take up space and as you pointed out the car takes up space. I live in a tiny apartment and we have a one in one out policy for everything, both for my daughter and us, because we simply don’t have the space.

You sound much like my inlaws, instead of gifts being a kind token to my daughter they are a power play. How does this benefit the DC? Gifts being given to make a nasty point? My daughter actually likes books the best, but because my inlaws think they are ‘for nerds’ and they don’t want to buy that, they instead buy enormous plastic toys or stuffed animals which she has zero interest in.

This type of behaviour (and this is on the very low end of the scale from some pictures of their actually awful behaviour) means my partner can’t be bothered with his family, and as they are so unpleasant I don’t remind him to call his family, invite them over, etc. I don’t think women should do ‘wifework’ or social calendar, but I did for my ex husband’s family because they were such lovely and actually thoughtful people. You may win a small victory, but lose the battle.

I find it interesting that you’re defending her and saying she’s being ‘thoughtful’ and then you also talk about how she should ‘up the ante’. Kind of implies you know this is much more about a passive aggressive battle than a genuinely and well meant present meant with nothing but kindness. If you really thought she was being thoughtful then why would upping the ante come into it?

Also, try folding up a ball pit (they’re usually pretty thick foamy sides) and see how tidily you can pop it out of sight in a studio flat where every square inch matters. It’s a staggeringly poorly thought out present, the literal opposite of thoughtful.

I think your DH is being unreasonable to make you keep them and not donate/sell them (unless your DS really likes them that is!)

But I think you are being unreasonable trying to tell someone what they should buy your child as a present (unless they ask for suggestions)

Ultimately, be grateful she is being so generous....

Are people missing the point where the OP said they were originally living in a studio flat? You don't have space for an ironing board in a studio flat - let alone a Wendy House or ball pit 🙄

Sell, donate, get you DP to speak to his sister? She is not buying tat. She buying what you don’t want.
I much prefer a list, but some people like to buy what they want. Even if they get is wrong.

I preferred plastic toys they last for years and you can scrub and wash them. Power wash them. Washing wooden toys is harder.

Isn’t it ruder to let them spend large sums of money on things you’re just going to give away? Surely it would be better to suggest smaller gifts that will
be used and just say you don’t have the space for anymore big toys

Aside from the space or the money its the phrase Plastic Tat that I find so offensive . These oys , though they aren't what you want , are not Plastic Tat .

Passive Aggressive battle ....

It's like if someone bought my child a Baby Boden dress , it would not be my taste but I wouldn't call it "rags"

YANBUnreasonable but YABUnrealistic

The best you can hope for is to redirect them to show their love with small but expensive presents - Playmobil, Lego, Brio railway etc., put it about you are building up a collection and would love the fire station set or something. Wooden railway is age appropriate and improbably expensive for the actual Brio sets and accessories.

ugh i hate this! gifts like this fill me with anxiety tbh - I actually just say no gifts now to most people - and immediate family just contribute or pay for things my daughter needs / wants!

This year My mum bought her a zoo pass

My sister paid for a term of swim lessons

Uncle paid for her football class

I love experiences rather than stuff

I don’t think it’s rude to make suggestions. It avoids waste and money. There’s no point to it. Just be nice when you suggest alternatives.

This is as rude as bedamned! Do people really distribute list of wants in advance of birthdays?? 😵‍💫. Incredible.

Does SIL have kids? She may think she’s being kind and not realise the sheer influx of STUFF when you have a kid. I don’t think it’s rude to put a stop to it: because it’s not just one relative, it’s all the relatives, then you buying something they might actually need and like, and it’s at birthday and Christmas, and before you know it you’re drowning in STUFF.

My in-laws are awful for this because they’ll give 4-5 presents at Christmas as if the DC don’t have other family giving anything, and most of it is wrong age/wrong size/pointless shite.

I take the Marie Kondo advice which is that the giving of the gift is the thing: once SIL has achieved that, it’s given her joy to give, it’s OK to donate it unopened and unused. My in-laws’ gifts get put straight in the charity box and we’re ruthless about regular charity drop-offs. They’re happy because they enjoy shopping for crap; I’m happy because the stuff is out of my house. DC are happy when there are fewer things and more room to play with them.

My mum and her siblings are similar. They grew up in poverty so didn't really have toys. Buying big gifts, now that they are able to, is their way of showing love.
However it does make things difficult sometimes.

Last year I sent this message

Hi all,
I'm just busy having a sort out of the kids toys before birthdays and Christmas arrives.
We are a bit overrun and struggling for space in our little house so could I please request that, if you are buying for them, the gifts are smaller toys.
S would especially love some new pans for the mud kitchen and some puzzles.
B is suddenly all about the crafts.
Thanks so much
Love
Treasure

It was fine and only 1 aunt turned up with something on the larger side (dolls pram that has never been touched)

These aren't presents for you. They are presents for a child. He might be a bit young atm but in a few months time your child might love any one of these things. They all sound great to me.

You talk about drowning in plastic tat but these gifts don't sound like tat to me. They sound like very generous gifts that can be passed on when your son outgrows them.

YABU, ungrateful and selfish and your misery is rubbing off on your toddler (“he doesn’t like it because it goes too fast” ).

It’s not rude as long as he phrases it well? What’s his problem with just providing suggestions??
I think it would be rude to demand a particular thing ( especially if it’s expensive) but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving h the suggestions you listed as it’s fairly generic