AIBU for not wanting more plastic tat

[amispeakingintongues]

At the risk of sounding like a snob, my SIL has this irritating habit of buying my son absolutely huge presents every Christmas/ birthday he's had so far. Examples: ball pit he rarely used (we lived in a studio flat at the time and he was only 6m old) big plastic Wendy house (i hate this the most), then last Christmas an electric powered car (he was only 1 and a half at the time, sure you have to be 3yrs at least) he's never liked it because it goes too fast.

So now his 2nd bday is coming up and I don't want any more huge plastic toys, so asked my partner to suggest they buy him things he needs - e.g books, games, puzzles, colouring stuff etc.

He refuses to say suggest anything to them because he thinks it's rude.

AIBU?

I think it’s rude to buy something giant and plastic (or just giant actually) without checking first. My DS loves his ball bit though!

We had the EXACT same problem!!!

We would pick something we thought our daughter needed BUT was also in line with sort of thing she likes to give her and that seems to have worked!

My husbands family also have one of those pussy foot around the issue rather than talking to people habit... But the above does seem to have worked!

Is it actual plastic you are against or toys that are too big for your living space?
There are excellent, good quality and lasts for years plastic toys (ie Happyland toys, Playmobil etc). Not all plastic toys are evil.
If it's the size - just be honest with her. Just say you don't have the space for big toys.

It’s the size of them. We have plenty of plastic toys at normal size but every present she buys him must be HUGE.

I would instinctively do as @Annfr suggests but my DP thinks its rude to suggest what they buy, and also thinks its rude to ask them what not to buy. Which baffles me. My hands are tied on the issue and its not the first instance when it comes to his family.

Its not rude to give suggestions of stuff you think/know your son would enjoy or needs. Giving presents shouldnt be about the giver but about the receiver.

Entirely missing the point, but what's wrong with a ball pit for a 6 month old?

(not having space for it is an entirely different issue - we used to put our outside in nice weather).

You do kinda sound rude and it seems weird you're not on speaking terms with her yourself so that he has to speak for you.
I don't think twice about giving people ideas for presents, most people prefer some guidance. I just say DC needs a Rucksack, new pyjamas and slippers but he's also really keen on dinosaurs at the moment then leave those ideas out there. If they ignore your requests then tough, resell or regift but don't moan about her

Do you not speak to your SIL at all? Why do you keep asking your husband, can you tell her yourself?

If I bought my nephew a present (a very expensive one) and my sister just donated it on immediately I’d be very very upset.
That is rude! And a complete waste of my money.
If op just sent a nice message requesting smaller items please, it’s not dictating what they buy. There’s still hundreds of choices and it doesn’t look grabby. Though I struggle to see how it’s grabby asking them not to buy a £100 giant plastic toy and requesting a few (much cheaper) books instead

To be honest I think it's a bit rude to buy a child who's not your household anything that is huge, age inappropriate or noisy without getting clearance from the parents first. So I wouldn't buy a play house, ball pit, drum kit, or toy that they're too young for that has to be stored for a few years. Great if you ask and the parents suggest it, but not otherwise.

It shouldn't be offensive to ask if relations are planning to buy a present for their young relative, and if so then how about... It's a social norm to give something for birthdays.

I get why friends wouldn’t ask what to get for a birthday party for example because they’re usually buying clothes or something smaller and I’d always put a receipt in so they could change it if they already had it. I’ve had the same thing with family just buying what they think will be useful and often we already have it or we physically can’t fit another big toy in the house. I always have a list before birthdays but feel like you can’t give them the list unless they ask and my in-laws never ask 🤦🏼‍♀️ My MIL went on and on about how there was no way what she’d got anyone else would have got and she wasn’t telling us (as if it was a gift for us). She turned up with a jumperoo, the exact same jumperoo my mum had been given by a friend second hand for him. We had to just pretend he didn’t already have it 🙄 I always just think why would you not just ask? It’s their money they’re wasting after all 🤷🏼‍♀️ We had the same thing with them again this Christmas buying the same thing we’d bought him even though they’d agreed on something else to get

Just have a chat with them. About your kids birthday coming up and just say he could really do with xyz.
Or you could ask them, would they be open to you suggesting ideas or categories for gifts for your kid?

I wouldn't say about the past presents being unwanted. I'd just talk about the stuff that you could do with for your kid.

The person who bought the gifts sounds like they really care and have bought some super exciting things! I'm sure they'd love to know what they could get that would make the kid happy.

I wouldn't ask them to get it but more say these are the things could do with or would go down well.
:)

I would just talk to her (if your husband can't manage to talk to his own sister 🙄).
Make a point that it's not the value, not what it is - it's just the size.
If you fall out over this then it's her loss at not having a relationship with her nephew. You keep on being friendly etc but if she wants to sulk over a big toy then that's her silly choice.

I'm guessing she doesn't have kids so is just really excited about buying stuff for him. Just tell her that you know how she loves to spoil your son and you'd like him to have stuff from her that grows with him so he has it for a long time. Suggest either duplo or magnet tiles. Or the wooden rainbow type toys. They're toys that help his creative side and that she can play with him when she's visiting. She won't be offended at all. Most people are happy to take the guess work out of picking toys.

I think it’s fine to say this - the environmental argument can’t be argued with. But given it’s a more distant relative be more polite (thanks so much for all your lovely presents! we are now trying to reduce plastic, so…) and offer a list if wanted rather than impose it or it might come across as grabby.

However as she’s your husband’s relative if he feels really strongly then don’t, just donate the stuff to the Sally Army who give them out as Christmas presents to families who can’t afford them.

He’ll love that car when he’s 3 though…

Actually - this is a much better idea.

It would be an unusual 1 year old that hates a ball pit and won’t play with a Wendy house. This post is all about you, and what you hate. Let your kid play with stuff even if it doesn’t fit your own aesthetic preference.

I’m not sure I’d say it was rude, but there’s something about the wording on that post that Doesn’t sit right with me, especially as it’s completely unsolicited, it basically says we loved the gifts last year but don’t trust you to buy any of your choosing, so please stick to our specific list.

It’s awkward though, I think I’d be inclined to have a word in person and tell them you feel bad as nephew can’t really make the most of what she bought them last year as you haven’t got the space for it, if I was her I’d take the hint and not buy anything big.

Sounds like she’s one of those relatives who wants her present to be the ‘centrepiece’ - the WOW toy that blows everyone else’s out of the water and takes all the child’s attention. Call me cynical but there’s one of those in a lot of families and trust me, they won’t be delighted to be steered to something small and educational like PPs are saying 🤣 They take delight in being the auntie/grandma who ignores the boring parent’s boring suggestions and spoils the child with something massive that makes them (the giver) feel important. They care not a tiny little jot whether it will annoy the parents, steal their thunder or leave them something massive and inconvenient to find space for. If anything that adds to their enjoyment.

This isn’t about the child. No one with basic intelligence buys large sized toys for people who live in a studio flat without at least checking first - unless they know full well, and don’t care, that it won’t be welcome. This is ALL about the gift giver. So brace yourself OP, it won’t get any better.

Those saying aren’t you close enough to SIL just to say it to her straight, the consensus rule of thumb of dealing with inlaws, is that the blood relative delivers any requests etc as they are less likely to get the huff.

My inlaws are the same. Take great pride in buying stuff my partner repeatedly has said we don’t have space for/ need. My partner has given up asking them not to buy crap so it all goes to the local women’s refuge. They get offended everytime , but we’ve warned them a million times. I think they just like making a point that they do what they like. Their money to piss down the drain sooooo 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah I find it so strange when people insist on living in a cycle of buying each other presents they don't actually want and then giving them away. My family have always done birthday/Christmas lists. I still send my mum one every year for myself 😂 For nieces and nephews I just ask their parents what they'd like and then buy that.

I think it's tricky. I have a relative who bought expensive plastic toys but when I approached the matter tactfully it made no difference because they wanted Wow factor presents. They didn't think a pile of books or Grimms had that same effect on a small child and to be honest, they were probably right.

@TheChoiceIsYours I think we have the same inlaws 😩😭

If I was your SIL buying thoughtful and probably expensive toys for your child I'd be mightily fecked off to hear you describe it as PLASTIC TAT