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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you leave your young child at a birthday party when you don't know the parents?

98 replies

Cheapcookies · 27/04/2023 09:46

Short version: organising child's birthday party and shocked at the implication that some parents will be leaving 4/5 year olds and picking them up at the end. AIBU for expecting them to stay?

Other version: organising DCs 4th birthday party. I've told her she can pick 10 children from her preschool due to limits on numbers. She named one but 3 children are called the same name, so I needed to check who she meant, and I mentioned it to the child's mum - explained I couldn't invite the whole class due to number restrictions etc. The mum said it is a lot of children for me to look after if I invited them all.
I'm now slightly concerned that there will be an expectation that I will look after the children and parents can pick up later. I'm really not comfortable with doing that and assumed parents would stay, that is what I do when DD is invited to parties, especially as they are so young and we as parents don't really know each other (different if it's a close friend).
Not all of the children in her class can use the toilet independently, either, and I'm not prepared to assist with that.
Not sure if I should have written anything about this on the invitations!

YABU - if you're inviting 4/5 year olds to a party then usually parents would leave and come back even if they don't know you
YANBU - the parents should stay with them, or at least ask what the expectation is

OP posts:

Treedecsandtinsel · 27/04/2023 09:49

I would expect to stay. DD just had her 5th birthday. Dad that did leave made a point of telling me who was responsible for his child (mums best friend was there). All other kids had an adult that stayed.

best clarify to the parents though just in case!

Mrsjayy · 27/04/2023 09:49

Drop and go used to be standard with the a parent or 2 staying to help out . If you want them to stay just say that they might not realise that's what you want.

OhHeyBabe · 27/04/2023 09:51

For preschool then definitely the parents would need to stay. There shouldn't be an option for drop and run at that age unless 1 friend at another friend's house for a play.

If they're 4 or 5 though that's reception age so they all should be able to use the toilet themselves independently and I think that's fine for a drop and run if they're familiar with the adults who are staying.

Original poster

Cheapcookies · 27/04/2023 09:53

They're at preschool together, not in school yet. She is the youngest in the year, some of them are coming up 5 but she's turning 4. Many of them that are invited are not potty trained or need assistance with going to and using the toilet.

OP posts:

Nachobowls · 27/04/2023 09:54

I was struggling to attend a birthday party last weekend for a 6 year old (my dd is 5) because I have older children and I’m a lone parent so had no one to watch them, I posted about it on a single parents group and the majority of the comments said I should just drop her there and go, I was surprised as she’s only 5 and I had never met the parents! Different story if you have but I wouldn’t be comfortable with that when I have never met the parents, many felt it was ok though.

GP75 · 27/04/2023 09:54

No I wouldn't leave them until they're much older. I have 5 year old twins and parents have always stayed up to now.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/04/2023 09:55

I personally wouldn't drop a child that young and leave no.

Mrsjayy · 27/04/2023 09:56

I think you need to clarify you want somebody to stay with them .

Bringonthesunshineporfavor · 27/04/2023 09:57

I always had drop and run parties. MyMother and a couple of friends would be at the parties to help. It never was a problem. Can only remember one child being clingy over the years and her Mum stayed which was fine, but generally from my experience the children enjoy the parties without parents there and I preferred not having to cater for them plus the inevitable extra siblings.

Mutabiliss · 27/04/2023 09:58

My son is pre-school age, just turned 4 and we've been to a million parties recently. A parent stayed at every single one, I would have been shocked if someone dropped and ran. In fact when chatting to other parents we were all saying how nice it'll be when they're a bit older and we can leave them.

OhHeyBabe · 27/04/2023 09:59

Where is the party being held?

Original poster

Cheapcookies · 27/04/2023 09:59

Well it's reassuring that many of you are saying you wouldn't leave them, as if this parent does do that, then at least it's only one child to watch (assuming the majority stay). I know MIL will be happy to be on hand to help out as well.

DD had a party last year with a small handful of preschool friends and all parents stayed. Any single parents that messaged me about childcare issues for the older siblings were invited to bring siblings along too, I'm fine with that and half expect one or two people to bring siblings as long as they let me know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheapcookies · 27/04/2023 10:01

Where is the party being held?

Local venue that you hire for parties, not our house (wouldn't mind if it was our house so much as I could lock the door and know everyone was inside and safe - but I also don't want to do them at our house!).

OP posts:

RoseGoldEagle · 27/04/2023 10:01

I don’t think it’s a normal expectation to leave preschool aged children at a party, no, unless you have asked anther parent who IS attending (not the hosts!), and they’ve agreed to take responsibility for your child as well as their own.

Original poster

Cheapcookies · 27/04/2023 10:03

Appreciate your opinions, I'm slightly new to all of this and don't know if my expectations are different to others, but she was so desperate for a party with her friends. Just want to make sure that all the children are safe and that DD has a nice birthday party....with limited stress if possible!

OP posts:

Nachobowls · 27/04/2023 10:03

Any single parents that messaged me about childcare issues for the older siblings were invited to bring siblings along too, I'm fine with that and half expect one or two people to bring siblings as long as they let me know.

I have never met the parents so no chance was I asking and risking being a CF I’ve seen the threads on MN 🫣

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 27/04/2023 10:05

I was the other way around, and a little naive when I started this party lark, and panicked when I realised each child would come accompanied by at least one adult. Luckily the weather was good, so I quickly scrambled some chairs, a pitcher of lemonade and a plate of biscuits in a corner of the garden for the adults. The key is to be clear on the invitations as to whether or not you want an adult to stay.

Bear2014 · 27/04/2023 10:08

It depends where it is. If it's in your house/a small private venue, I'd prefer people to drop and run on the whole. Looking after parents, extra siblings etc really changes the dynamic and gives it a much more chaotic vibe and a lot of spaces can't take that many bodies. That being said, if my child could not use the toilet independently I would stay.`

Original poster

Cheapcookies · 27/04/2023 10:08

I have never met the parents so no chance was I asking and risking being a CF I’ve seen the threads on MN 🫣

I get it. I know lots of people that get annoyed with siblings coming to their children's birthday parties to be honest, because so many places have number restrictions. I think if lots of people did it without mentioning it to me then I'd be annoyed but I think it's sensible to allow for one or two extra kids in the numbers, not everyone has an easy time co-ordinating childcare and it's fair to be understanding. If somebody that I didn't know text me to explain the situation, I wouldn't mind at all, I'd just ask that they understand that I won't have enough food to accommodate the extras and that any older siblings are gentle with everyone else at the party if the 'party children' are all a lot smaller.
We had some siblings come to last year's party, they were about 8 years older than all the children that were invited but extremely boisterous and I had to mention something to them because it wasn't fair on the little ones.

OP posts:

Blanketpolicy · 27/04/2023 10:10

At a venue I would stay, especially if toilets are not in the hall as no parent host is going to be able to keep track of your kid or even notice if they are missing from the room.

I can't believe any parent would leave their young dc alone in these circumstances. I have lost count of the number of times I found young kids wandering about the corridors of these places (which include other facilities and lots of unknown adults) looking for the loo/way back.

Original poster

Cheapcookies · 27/04/2023 10:10

Large venue, usually have 3/4 parties on at once across the building as well as other things. Wouldn't be too bad if it was at home, and like you say, there wouldn't be space.

OP posts:

Heydiddlelidl · 27/04/2023 10:10

With my DC, parties started age 4/5 and the parents just dropped and ran, most had never even met us before so I was a bit shocked, just had time to get them to write down their name and phone number before they left in a hurry! (If I hadn't done that I wouldn't have even been able to contact most of them if needed). When my DC were invited to (parents who were strangers) houses for parties I always stayed but I was inevitably the only one and it was really, really awkward..!

Cherryblossoms85 · 27/04/2023 10:12

It is frowned upon to leave under 5s for the reasons you outline. So in your scenario you're absolutely right to expect parents to stay. However 5th birthday parties themselves are usually the tipping point and I made a point of telling parents they could bring siblings as otherwise they're often in a bind if one of them is working.

iatealltheminieggs · 27/04/2023 10:14

I had this dilemma a few weeks back. DD had only just turned 5, but I had nobody to look after my eldest. I messaged the mum to ask if I could leave her, I would never just assume. Most parents stayed though. Round here i think its more the norm to leave them when they're 6/7.

Skybluepinky · 27/04/2023 10:14

U will find people want to drop and go, so if that’s not wot u intend u need to let them know.

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