Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to reconnect with estranged friend?

116 replies

ThePensivePig · 26/04/2023 18:23

Long story, sorry....

For 10+ years, I was very good friends with a woman who lived in another part of the UK. We met online and we just clicked. We enjoyed years of enjoyable friendship, meeting up 2-3 times a year in person and chatting every day on the phone.

I supported my friend through an unpleasant divorce and the death of both parents and she helped me when I had any ups and downs. Over time, she became close to my husband and children and I considered her to be the sister I'd never had.

Things became difficult when I took a more senior job. It was a massive stretch and I struggled to manage a demanding role alongside a young family. My mental health began to suffer and I definitely leaned on my friend. She was initially supportive, until one day, out of the blue, she told me she needed to take a step back. This 'step back' involved us going no contact for a while. She didn't explain why, just said she needed a complete break.

I really struggled with the no contact thing. To go from daily contact to nothing at all felt awful and I was bereft. In my unwell state, I panicked and assumed I must have done something terrible to upset her. I ignored the no contact request and asked (begged, in fact) to be given a second chance, asked why I was being pushed out and so on. My friend responded once to say I'd done nothing wrong and that it was to do with her issues (which she didn't want to discuss at that time). Then silence.

Silence that lasted a decade.

In the meantime, I had a breakdown, lost my job and struggled to cope. I became severely mentally ill, was sectioned twice as my life was at serious risk. It took me YEARS to recover and although I'll never be the way I was before my breakdown, things are better now.

My former friend has recently been in touch by email. She says she wants to re-establish contact with a view to potentially building our relationship again.

AIBU to say 'no thank you' and continue with my life as it is? I'll always love my friend and understandably I'm curious as to why she's got in touch now. Having said that, I've worked hard to regain my sanity and don't want to revisit that awful time in my life. Could I ever get past the fact she ditched me at my most vulnerable?

Any thoughts please?

OP posts:
BonnieGlasses · 26/04/2023 18:27

I'm glad things are better for you now. I wouldn't want to get back in touch either. In fact, I probably wouldn't even reply to the email.

ValleyClouds · 26/04/2023 18:32

As a disabled person who has been ghosted and dumped by friends I strongly empathise - consider your mental health first

She has hurt you and she could hurt you again

Can you take the disappointment if history repeats itself?

Is her friendship essential to you?

I really really get your position here if one of my former friends returned I would have qualms

Nordicrain · 26/04/2023 18:34

YANBU. It doesn't matter what happened or why, you are totally entitled to prioritise your own wellbeing and not get involved.

Shoelacesundone · 26/04/2023 18:37

Ah I really relate. But without knowing what issues she was facing...how can you see this as it is? If nothing else it may make sense of a perceived abandonment. Its not unreasonable to say no...but I would gently encourage you to entertain the idea that just as you did, she may have had hard times. And that maybe reconnecting may give the chance for something new reflecting the people you both are today

AmandaHoldensLips · 26/04/2023 18:38

Yeah. That would be a NO from me too.

I'd either not bother responding to the email and just delete it. Or send a short one back saying, "Wishing you all the best but I'd rather not."

salto · 26/04/2023 18:40

YANBU she sounds like a manipulative person, she has made you feel like you’ve done wrong and not bothered to explain why. I would definitely not be entertaining this person ever again if I were you

Cam22 · 26/04/2023 18:44

No, I wouldn’t want to get involved with her again. She let you down and you suffered hugely as a result.

Mabelface · 26/04/2023 18:44

It's a difficult one. She may have stepped back for her own mental health. It really depends on how you think you'll cope with speaking to her again. Unless you're in a really strong place mentally, there is the risk that you'll be reminded of all you felt when you first started becoming unwell and when she did step back.

TheExchange · 26/04/2023 18:46

If it was I don’t think I’d let her in my life again, it’s too risky if she dumps me again. Also every time we made contact with each other it could trigger really negative emotions.
It sounds like you in a good place at the moment or at least a lot better than during your time, your own well being must be your no one priority.

EmmaEmerald · 26/04/2023 18:49

I like to leave the past in the past, so I wouldn't. I'd have no hard feelings, perhaps she couldn't cope. But I'd not reply to the email, that's me though.
If you want to give it a try, are you prepared that if you tell her everything you've been through, she might just walk away again? I think sometimes when time passes, people assume reconnecting will be fun.

OlivePinkSky · 26/04/2023 18:50

Honestly? No way. You were at your lowest, most desperate and vulnerable point in your life and she bailed on you. Ask yiursekf, if the boot was on the other foot - would you have done that to her? Good friends don't do a runner when the going gets tough. Block and ignore

TakeMe2Insanity · 26/04/2023 18:55

Hell no!

The friendship sounded far too intense and the cut sounded brutal. You needed friendship and support, she didn’t provide that. She abandoned you at the start of your decline I don’t believe she can add anything to your life.

I wouldn’t even engage with her. I would block and move on.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 26/04/2023 18:56

well done on your recovery.

I was abandoned in another country by my supposed best friend when I was suicidal a few months after losing a parent. I concluded I was no longer useful as she’d found someone else to lean on.

if I saw her on the street, or she approached me, and there were no legal consequences, I’d punch her right in the face. In fact, she’s the only person I actively wish bad things would happen to.

so I guess you can say it would be a no from me, in your shoes.

Philosophical1 · 26/04/2023 18:58

Agree with others that I absolutely would not; what’s to say the same thing wouldn’t happen, or that she has reached out because she needs you. I would send her an email back though (maybe more for my own satisfaction something along the lines of thanks but no thanks)

OlivePinkSky · 26/04/2023 19:02

@Ingrowncrotchhair that's so awful - I hope you're doing better now.

Reminds me of the time when I was going through an awful depressive episode and my best friend told me she couldn't cope with my crying and wasn't prepared to ' mother me ' . I never asked for mothering - I just needed some empathy and support

WilkinsonM · 26/04/2023 19:05

I had a 'best friend' who did this to me. She was silent for a lot less time (about 2 months) but it was unbelievably hurtful. When she got in touch I said no thank you. It was the nuclear option but I couldn't see how to forgive and get past what she did.

lkkjhg · 26/04/2023 19:06

The intensity of your previous relationship is unusual for a friend.

I wouldn't want to go back there. Just ignore or decline

Gr8tfulmumof2x · 26/04/2023 19:08

I'm so sorry for what you went through, however happy to read you're doing much better.

I'm in a similar situation regarding the no contact with a friend (both of us have our reasons for no contact) however there have been a few small text exchanges lately.

I don't think I could go back either. This was 30 years of friendship. It just isn't the same.

X

MavisMcMinty · 26/04/2023 19:09

All she deserves is a two-word answer. “Yeah, no.”

NBLarsen · 26/04/2023 19:13

I wouldn't want to rebuild a relationship with someone who basically ghosted you. Though I would want to know what had happened to cause such a harsh cut-off, just for my own peace of mind. So I'd probably reply to the message asking what it was that had gone on all those years ago, but that would be all. She doesn't seem like someone you need in your life now, but the closure of past incident might be helpful.

Beautiful3 · 26/04/2023 19:13

No don't do it. Leave her in the past, where she belongs. She isn't ever going to be a good friend to you, she'll ghost you if uou eger have another problem. She probably made your breakdown worse, by abandoning you. You've done so well, be proud of yourself.

Sceptre86 · 26/04/2023 19:15

I don't think yabu at all. I would respond rather than ghosting her with a short direct email that whilst you wish her well have no desire to rekindle a friendship.

On another note op I would say that your friendship sounded intense if you were speaking everyday prior to getting ill. You then relied on her even more but what did that consist of, longer daily conversations? It can be very draining dealing with someone who has mental health issues and I can well understand that she may have needed to take some time away from you (10 years is a rather long time though).

I think you should concentrate on yourself and your family and let this friendship go.

DangerNoodles · 26/04/2023 19:21

It can be mentally draining holding up someone with mental health problems and that's when you are well yourself. I have been there myself supporting someone and it did put a strain on my own mental health and my family life, at times I did come close to drawing a line. You said yourself you leaned on her a lot so maybe you needed more from her than she was capable of giving. Give her a chance and find out what problems she was having before cutting contact forever. You never know her problems could have been as bad as yours but she didn't get the chance to say as she was supporting you.

clpsmum · 26/04/2023 19:24

It would be a bug fuck off from me! YoH are better off without her

MysteryBelle · 26/04/2023 19:32

I really really hope you respond, “No. Do not contact me again.”

It’s your turn to “request” a “no contact” boundary. She is despicable for not explaining 10 years ago why she went no contact. It’s like she began an affair with your husband or something although it can’t be that, can it, she doesn’t live anywhere near.

Don’t do it, op!