To not want to reconnect with estranged friend?

[ThePensivePig]

Long story, sorry....

For 10+ years, I was very good friends with a woman who lived in another part of the UK. We met online and we just clicked. We enjoyed years of enjoyable friendship, meeting up 2-3 times a year in person and chatting every day on the phone.

I supported my friend through an unpleasant divorce and the death of both parents and she helped me when I had any ups and downs. Over time, she became close to my husband and children and I considered her to be the sister I'd never had.

Things became difficult when I took a more senior job. It was a massive stretch and I struggled to manage a demanding role alongside a young family. My mental health began to suffer and I definitely leaned on my friend. She was initially supportive, until one day, out of the blue, she told me she needed to take a step back. This 'step back' involved us going no contact for a while. She didn't explain why, just said she needed a complete break.

I really struggled with the no contact thing. To go from daily contact to nothing at all felt awful and I was bereft. In my unwell state, I panicked and assumed I must have done something terrible to upset her. I ignored the no contact request and asked (begged, in fact) to be given a second chance, asked why I was being pushed out and so on. My friend responded once to say I'd done nothing wrong and that it was to do with her issues (which she didn't want to discuss at that time). Then silence.

Silence that lasted a decade.

In the meantime, I had a breakdown, lost my job and struggled to cope. I became severely mentally ill, was sectioned twice as my life was at serious risk. It took me YEARS to recover and although I'll never be the way I was before my breakdown, things are better now.

My former friend has recently been in touch by email. She says she wants to re-establish contact with a view to potentially building our relationship again.

AIBU to say 'no thank you' and continue with my life as it is? I'll always love my friend and understandably I'm curious as to why she's got in touch now. Having said that, I've worked hard to regain my sanity and don't want to revisit that awful time in my life. Could I ever get past the fact she ditched me at my most vulnerable?

Any thoughts please?

I’d find it very hard to get over the ghosting.

Even if I could forgive that, I don’t think I’d be able to let go of the worry that if she’s done it once, she might do it again.

You would unreasonable to say "no thank you", when "fuck off " is a reasonable response.

No. Don't go back. You were a different person then, & just being in contact with her might remind you of bad times.

For me, being let down by someone I'm close to, at the precise moment when I need their support, precisely because I need their support - well, it's not a neutral thing. It hugely compounds whatever the original challenge or trauma is; makes it worse, more prolonged, cutting deeper. That's impossible to get past.

Even if they were to later wish they'd done things differently, how do they make up for it? Not just what they didn't do, the support they didn't offer; but for the harm their choice caused, that reverberated through my life.

For all my curiosity, my desire for healing and reconciliation, I can't see it. I don't trust that they'd take responsiblity and make amends; and I couldn't and wouldn't sweep it under the carpet and pretend it was okay.

I’d respond very briefly just to make sure she didn’t continue to reach out and drag out the whole thing. Say something like “I wish you well but I don’t wish to re-visit a period of my life I’ve moved on from, so think it’s best we leave things as they are between us”

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and it sounds as though you're clear in your own mind that you don't want this, so it's fine to say so, or even not to bother responding imo.

In your shoes, though, I would not be able to shake off a sense that her explanation for what happened back then might change my perspective. I'd want all possible information before deciding how I feel about her and what I want to do next, so I think I would reply and ask. But in the end I might still feel as you do, that the moment's passed and you can do without her in your life.

You've been through a hell of a lot. I'm glad things are better than they were.

I think that it sounds as if her mental health wasn’t good enough to support you at the time. She asked for space and you didn’t give it. Probably too much water under the bridge, but I don’t necessarily think she’s a cf.

I’m sorry you went through such a horrendous time, however some of the replies are quite harsh.

You have no idea what the ex friend was going through. You leaned on her quite a lot until one day she said she needs space. Why? Maybe she had her own shit going on, maybe she couldn’t handle being relied on so much, you don’t know but you ignored her request and begged her not to go no contact. Yes you were going through a lot but you don’t know if she had her issues as well. Maybe she couldn’t tell you because of all your problems and she felt you wouldn’t understand or didn’t want to burden you, or she felt she couldn’t rely on you the same way you relied on her. Or maybe she was exhausted by being the person that constantly supported you and needed time for herself.

You don’t know and it’s best to keep it that way. You are in a much better place now. What would resuming contact bring? You finding out that yes she actually is just a selfish person or finding out that she had her own problems she had to deal with. Neither will make you feel better. Delete the email and carry on with your life. If she persists say you don’t want to reconnect.

I had a very friend who did the same to me, ten years ago. But it had been me doing the supporting through her terrible times. A wise friend said I knew too much. Even so, if she got in touch I would see how it went.

But you were dumped at your most vulnerable, and in that case I would say to her that you don't want to revisit a friendship that is long dead and to tell her not to contact you again.

I haven't read everyone else's replies but my initial response is that daily contact seems unusually intense and maybe you both leaned on each other too much resulting in you both becoming depressed? Perhaps she had a huge mental breakdown too?

If you have both had very significant mental health problems it seems a shame that you can't reconnect now and have a refreshed relationship on different terms. Occasional contact and meetups might be nice? I would say she has been brave to contact you and also she wouldn't do that unless she really would like to see you again.

Normally I'd say to see what happens, but given what has happened with your mental health I think.you should steer well clear. All the best

I wouldn't get back in touch. I had a similar experience with a friend ghosting me and it messed with my head for a few years. I've moved on now but if she ever tried to rekindle the friendship then I'd tell her where to get off. I don't think you would have the same connection as before because it's hard to get your head around how someone could be so cruel as to ghost you, and you'd always be wondering if she'd do it again.

Some things are better left in the past

"Things became difficult when I took a more senior job. It was a massive stretch and I struggled to manage a demanding role alongside a young family. My mental health began to suffer and I definitely leaned on my friend. She was initially supportive, until one day, out of the blue, she told me she needed to take a step back. This 'step back' involved us going no contact for a while. She didn't explain why, just said she needed a complete break. "

"AIBU to say 'no thank you' and continue with my life as it is? I'll always love my friend and understandably I'm curious as to why she's got in touch now. Having said that, I've worked hard to regain my sanity and don't want to revisit that awful time in my life. Could I ever get past the fact she ditched me at my most vulnerable? "

It's absolutely fine to not want to get in touch with her again, as you say you don't want to revisit that part of your life.

You also say you're curious. My theory would be that when you say "My mental health began to suffer and I definitely leaned on my friend" that you were leaning on her VERY heavily. Heavily enough to take her down with you. She realised the effect supporting you was having on her life and her mental health, and knew it could not continue. Maybe consider that she didn't 'ditch' you, she saved herself whilst she still could.

I'm glad you are feeling better now and 10 years is a long time to be out of touch with someone for them to pop up again out of the blue.

However, that said, you said yourself you weren't well, while I understand you were upset she needed to take a step back, maybe you needed more at that point than she had to give?

She asked for some space and you didn't respect that. Possibly your own ill health had started to impact on hers and thats why she asked to step back?

10 years out of touch with someone is a long time, but honestly some of the replies here telling your friend she should fuck off are harsh.

You've clearly been through a lot and come through the other side, I suppose you have to ask yourself, do you want to open thay door again? Would it bring back a lot of old stuff and impact on your mental health? If so, probably best to reply to say you'd rather leave the past where it is.

10 years is a long time to go without any contact.

Agree with this, it does seem she gave an explanation? She needed a complete break as she needed to take a step back from the intensify of supporting you?

I had a similar friend, we didn't meet up in real life because of the distance, but she was my best friend and I hers - spoke daily, emailed and texted loads. We fell out after I kept something private from her for a while (I did tell her, and the fallout was because I hadn't told her immediately). She was really angry at me and blocked me for a couple of years. She messaged out of the blue, said she really missed me. I replied, we picked up, and are each others ' soulmate again.
She acknowledged she over reacted, I acknowledged the hurt I caused her by not telling her something as soon as I could have, and all is fine.
I don't feel any anger at her response, though I understand you didn't do anything to warrant your estrangement, though for myself I don't think I was wrong in my situation. I am really happy we are back in touch. It's worked for me.

No no no. She hurt you and let you down. It’s worse than a relationship break up when a friend hurts you like this. Friendship heart break hurts like hell. I’d tell her the truth, how she made you feel, and that you won’t risk being hurt again. Hope you’re ok op xxx

Don’t do it.

I had a very similar situation whereby my xbff ghosted me literally over night. She told me what it was 3 months later and then ended the friendship completely when she got the wrong end of a massive fuck off stick. If she ever contacts me again she will trigger all the awful anxiety and stress she caused back then to the point I actually wanted to end my life because I felt hated by the world and by her. No one’s ever gonna get the chance to do that to me again let alone her, so it’d be a massive fuck off N O from me.

Im still angry and hurt

Something similar happened to me, I was happily married at the time, and our friend met this woman on a dating app. I didn't like her at first, but it was all very intense. She organised nights out, double dates, etc, and mixed our families. Looking back now, she criticised my relationship. I ended up getting a divorce. While my relationships were declining, she was building hers. I met someone else but she didn't like him and he could see through her.
She then cut me off dead 6 months later, and I didn't understand why. It was horrible.
I connected with her again on SM after she emigrated and asked her why she cut me off, but I never got an answer. I will never speak to her again.

I have ended 2 friendships in my adult life. They have both been 1 way street type decisions; hence why it's so difficult. 1 of them was intensely more sad than the other as it was a 'wider situation' type deal, and I do sometimes wonder about her and hope she's getting on well because she absolutely deserves nothing but the best. BUT. I ended the friendship, I don't have the right to just walk back in if I feel like it (I don't, but my point remains). She doesn't need me, or my input in her life.

I wonder if this is more of a catch-up for her benefit now you're on a downswing (there will be an upswing again, of course) but the timing is odd. Plus it's been 10 years; you've both moved on. I do have a couple of friendships where we can walk back into a room after years of not seeing each other and the odd 'happy birthday' text (so minimal contact because, life) and strike up like no time has passed; but those are few and far between. I can think of 3 people like that, and one of them I'm biologically related to, 1 I spent 3 years living with basically in a bedsit, and 1 we've spent years curating the friendship and telling each other the most vulnerable shit. I doubt this is a situation like that.

I personally wouldn't even reply; but if you think she's the type to persist, a quick one liner 'thank you but I'm happy to leave things as they are, all the best' is appropriate. Protect your peace, OP.

Similar happened to me and the reason given almost the same word for word!! It would be a no from me 10 years is too long

I agree with this. Our friends, much as we love them, are not trained therapists and sometimes are not equipped to deal with the emotional difficulties being experienced by a close friend. Put simply, the demand for support exceeds their ability to provide that support and so the relationship starts to make them feel bad, claustrophobic, inadequate, anxious, and even shame, and so they withdraw. My niece had a breakdown trying to support a friend who kept threatening suicide, and eventually ended up under the care of a psychologist. So don’t be too hard on your friend if this is a possibility, but I’d avoid reopening the relationship, particularly if you know it could lead to more pain further down the line.

I’ll turn it around a bit… she left you as you were vulnerable, she explained she needed space to do with her own issues.
it might be that she needed space for her own mental health. You did nothing wrong, but she may not have been in a state to support you, and you clearly weren’t in a state to support her. It was ok for her to step back.
whether you want a friendship now - up to you.
but… it is incredibly hard to be the support of someone with mental health issues.

I think you should wish her well and say you think it’s best if things stay as they are. But you hope that all is good in her life etc etc.

Your friendship sounded really too intense and that is not healthy as I expect you realise.