To not want to reconnect with estranged friend?

[ThePensivePig]

Long story, sorry....

For 10+ years, I was very good friends with a woman who lived in another part of the UK. We met online and we just clicked. We enjoyed years of enjoyable friendship, meeting up 2-3 times a year in person and chatting every day on the phone.

I supported my friend through an unpleasant divorce and the death of both parents and she helped me when I had any ups and downs. Over time, she became close to my husband and children and I considered her to be the sister I'd never had.

Things became difficult when I took a more senior job. It was a massive stretch and I struggled to manage a demanding role alongside a young family. My mental health began to suffer and I definitely leaned on my friend. She was initially supportive, until one day, out of the blue, she told me she needed to take a step back. This 'step back' involved us going no contact for a while. She didn't explain why, just said she needed a complete break.

I really struggled with the no contact thing. To go from daily contact to nothing at all felt awful and I was bereft. In my unwell state, I panicked and assumed I must have done something terrible to upset her. I ignored the no contact request and asked (begged, in fact) to be given a second chance, asked why I was being pushed out and so on. My friend responded once to say I'd done nothing wrong and that it was to do with her issues (which she didn't want to discuss at that time). Then silence.

Silence that lasted a decade.

In the meantime, I had a breakdown, lost my job and struggled to cope. I became severely mentally ill, was sectioned twice as my life was at serious risk. It took me YEARS to recover and although I'll never be the way I was before my breakdown, things are better now.

My former friend has recently been in touch by email. She says she wants to re-establish contact with a view to potentially building our relationship again.

AIBU to say 'no thank you' and continue with my life as it is? I'll always love my friend and understandably I'm curious as to why she's got in touch now. Having said that, I've worked hard to regain my sanity and don't want to revisit that awful time in my life. Could I ever get past the fact she ditched me at my most vulnerable?

Any thoughts please?

To be honest I'm a firm believer in protecting your own emotional bandwidth. If she wasn't in a place where she could support you when you were struggling then she has every right to step back to protect herself and avoid you both becoming utterly burnt out. It absolutely sucks but I think she had the right to make that decision for herself and you don't really know the circumstances around that decision.

I equally think it's now your turn to decide whether getting back in touch will be something you have the emotional bandwidth for. Would meeting up and chatting it through answer any unresolved questions for you or would that be too upsetting if you don't like the answers or if she refused to give you more information? I think you'd need to think about what you would want and expect from her and what that would add to your life. You also have the option of not trying to make it what it was before and instead just let things happen organically and see what new relationship forms. Or you decide its not for you at least for now and you politely decline. Or maybe you ask a few questions first so you know what you need to ahead of meeting. The ball is entirely in your court now and it sounds like you're in a much more empowered place in yourself to make a decision so I say trust your gut. You know yourself best.

I don't think she ditched you. She abdicated her role of your unpaid daily therapist. She didn't ghost you, either. She told you she needed to step back for a time, after you had admittedly "definitely leaned on her". After being told she needed a complete break from you and your problems and your quite understandable desire for support, you pursued her. She's made it clear that she had issues arising out of being your one woman support team.

It's hardly an unclear situation. Her physical, mental, and emotional health are also important, and she felt the need to look after herself.

I would send her a reply that acknowledged you asked too much from her in that time, and if you don't want to see her again, tell her so, but taking this whole scenario from the point of view of the victim who was victimised is a bit much.

Whatever the ins and outs, the friend chose to cut off the relationship. Therefore it isn't her choice whether or not to revive it. OP decides that. And if that decision is to leave the friend in the past that's fine.

It's a difficult one but I'd say it's probably best to decline (in a pleasant way)
Supporting somene with their mental health is draining and it sounds like it was quite intense. Id imagine the daily calls were just too much and she probably had fragile mental health too. She stepped away and you did not respect her boundaries. I had a friend like this. I had to cut her out as she didnt listen and she was making me unhappy. You must have been very unwell because you went on to have a nervous breakdown. Youre not in that situation now but it sounds as if youre not really 100% well.
It sounds as if you feel she has wronged you in some way, yet for 10 years you've made no attempt to contact her again and let her know your back. I could be friends with someone who had episodes of poor mental health but I'd struggle to stay friends with someone who was too needy.
What would you want from the friendship and are you in a position to 'give' at all?
Maybe you could be more like penpals chatting on line. Do you have to make a proactive decision to be best friends again? Why can't you just message her back with a light hearted response and just let things evolve.

Well, yes, that's obvious. The estranged friend has reached out, the ball is now in the OP's court.

She says in her title that she doesn't want to reconnect. That is perfectly valid. What is not valid is this insistance all through the thread that the estranged friend 'ghosted' the OP. She did not.

Perhaps if they got back in touch however briefly, the OP would understand why it was necessary for the friend to withdraw at such length - what was going on in her life at the time and in the years following.

One person's mental health struggles does not negate another's. The friend, for whatever reasons, felt unable to withstand the pressure of OP's need. She is offering to reconnect, OP doesn't want to. Fair enough.

They say “A friend in need is a friend indeed”. That’s certainly true in the friendships I’ve had throughout my life. When they no longer have a need for you - or you need a friendly shoulder to cry on - they dump you.

It sounds like your friend is in need of a friend OP. In your shoes I wouldn’t bother responding 💐

I’m in 2 minds about this as you were clearly going through a severe time.

one one hand, your mental health could unfortunately have impacted her mental health and she needed to protect herself. 2013 wasn’t as mental health positive as 2023 and she might have felt overwhelmed and unsure what to do as you were going through a complete crisis that required a MH professional

on the other hand, she effectively abandoned you and a decade is a long time

personally I don’t like reconnecting with people from awkward times in my life. I hate having to fill in the gap and be judged on past me.

Not voting, who is to know what was going on in her life at the time too. Maybe it was just too much for her to juggle..?

If she meant a lot to me, I would meet up over lunch somewhere neutral. It's easy to call it a day and leave or kick on together longer.

@bffGone

Don’t do it.

I had a very similar situation whereby my xbff ghosted me literally over night. She told me what it was 3 months later and then ended the friendship completely when she got the wrong end of a massive fuck off stick. If she ever contacts me again she will trigger all the awful anxiety and stress she caused back then to the point I actually wanted to end my life because I felt hated by the world and by her. No one’s ever gonna get the chance to do that to me again let alone her, so it’d be a massive fuck off N O from me.

Im still angry and hurt

Oh my goodness I had exactly the same thing happen to me and felt like an awful person and quite suicidal for months. I had to be so strong to continue working and forging ahead with life! So sorry you felt similar.

if my ex friend ever contacted me again I’d be dumbfounded. I’d never be able to trust her again and it would trigger awful anxiety and sadness. If I didn’t have a really responsible job I’d have gone round to her house when her husband was at work and chinned her so hard she’d have been on the floor.

Hope you are much better now in terms of your mental health.

Like others, I think that she wasn’t able to provide the intense support you needed when you were struggling and p

*probably felt that cutting you off was the only way she should cope. Supporting someone suffering who’s struggling with their MH is very draining and while what she did was hurtful, she may have been buckling under the strain.

You don’t sound as if you want to reconnect with her, so don’t. I would send a quick message saying that you wish her well, but you don’t want to get back in touch.

No chance

I think for both of you it would be best not to reconnect. They probably had to end the friendship for their own mental health. Speaking from experience supporting someone who was having some problems, it had become so intense and stressful I had to leave my job, and we are now NC (their choice) so I do sympathise with your friend. They probably feel guilty about it, even though it was the right thing for them to do for their own sake. Leave this in the past.

I really like this. I think send something positive like this.

I wouldn't bother. She didn't even have the decency to tell you why at the time.

It would be extra shitty if you replied and she just ghosted you again.

She didn't even have the decency to tell you why at the time.

Yes, she did.

After the OP, in her own words, "leaned heavily" on her for some time, the friend told her she needed to take a step back. When the OP did not respect that boundary she replied.

My friend responded once to say I'd done nothing wrong and that it was to do with her issues (which she didn't want to discuss at that time).

Do you think it would have been helpful for the friend to say things like: you're draining, I'm going under, I am not a paid therapist and don't have the skills to keep dealing with your ongoing problems, etc, or whatever her feelings were?
She asked for space, for breathing room, it was not allowed. All of this is in the OP.

All this talk of "ghosting" is ridiculous. When someone says they need to take a step back, it means you are demanding too much of them, and they are informing you of that. Perhaps, if she'd been given space, she would have been back in OP's life much sooner; perhaps not. OP does not want to reconnect, but OP was not ghosted. Sometimes we have to put on our oxygen masks and remove ourselves from someone who is taking us down with them.

I am shocked at some of the answers on this post. They seem very harsh on your friend. Supporting someone with mental illness can be very hard and utterly exhausting. She also had struggles - a nasty divorce and the death of both parents. She told you she needed to take a step back but you ignored it. And you still don't know what else she was dealing with her own issues, maybe you can discover what it was - perhaps she can explain herself. It was 10 years ago but you still seem angry about her behaviour.

However, I totally get that you wouldn't want a reminder of the time when things were bad for you. I also get that you have moved on but your break downs were not her fault. If you don't want to revisit say' something along the lines of 'life is very busy at the moment, wishing you and your family well' and leave it at that.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and considerate responses, they are much appreciated.

It's correct to say that my friend was probably struggling to support me. I was, at that time, more unwell than I realised and I can now see that I was leaning on her more heavily than was reasonable. I only wish she had made that clear to me at the time. Perhaps she thought she had?

On reflection, I think the friendship had become too intense for both of us. One of the positives that's emerged from all this has been greater self awareness on my part. This has led to me having more healthy relationships of all kinds. I've also learned how to ask for support from appropriate sources - friends and family on occasions, but also professional help when needed.

Having read your replies, I've realised that I don't think I need answers after all. I've come a long way since that time in my life and in many ways I'm a different person. I expect my friend will have been on a significant journey of her own. Ten years is a long time and an awful lot has changed.

I'm going to sincerely wish her well and continue moving on with my life.

(Apologies for the delay in responding, hectic evening!)

10 years is a long time to reconnect I think. Whatever her reasons were at the time, I find it odd that she's now reached out all these years later and presumptuous to think you can go back to how it was. You're both different people now and there's no guarantee you'd even still get on.

I think you'll always see her as a reminder of your past life. Given everything you've overcome to get to this healthy place you're now in, no point looking back. Not every friendship needs to last forever and you really don't need this unknown quantity playing on your emotions again.

I'm very understanding of people needing to step back from friendships for their mental health but not for a decade. And not in this abrupt manner. And when I have decided to cut contact myself, I'd never have the inclination to go back there tbh. It's like getting with an ex...Once something has broken that seriously, it'll never go back to being whole.

I would not even reply. You are a different person now and in a completely different place in your life.

I really don't see why someone would want to get back into your life after 10 years and after ghosting you.

I can completely understand that maybe she would have got overwhelmed at the time with how much support you expected from her and might have needed to take a step back.

But that could and should have been done without ghosting: she could simply have had an honest conversation with you and suggest that you speak to a therapist. The friendship could have continued with better boundaries and maybe less frequent contact.

I was ghosted by a friend of 12 years recently while I was going through the most stressful period of my life: I was completing on the sale of my home, moving to a completely different area, trying to organise a rental/removal, dealing with a new job, leaving an abusive man and while I was juggling all of that I managed to get covid!

That is the time my friend chose to ghost simply because I told her that with everything that was going on I could not run an errand for her. Her level of entitlement was off the scale as far as I am concerned and I would never agree to speak to her again if she got back in touch.

No way!!! Ignore and block.

I would ignore the email. What can she bring to your life now? I never see much point in reconnecting with people like that. It’s over, best to keep moving on.

I had to see a therapist as I was absolutely bereft from her ending the friendship and not telling me why. I completely understand that to some, that will be a total over-investment but my feelings were real and I reacted how I did, I can’t change that. I have promised myself to give people a wide berth now and protect myself always.

I told her I wished her all the best in life and I stand by that but what she chose to do to me, I won’t forget.

have to agree. I feel sorry for the friend.

A number of times in my life I’ve been a physical and emotional crutch for friends going through torrid times. It cost me my own well-being, to the point I had to back off. I’ve learnt now to give support at more arms length. This may have happened to your friend.

After so many years though I wouldn’t see the point in rekindling the friendship if I were in your shoes. I hope though that she has more respect for your choice to back off than you had for hers.