To not want to reconnect with estranged friend?

[ThePensivePig]

Long story, sorry....

For 10+ years, I was very good friends with a woman who lived in another part of the UK. We met online and we just clicked. We enjoyed years of enjoyable friendship, meeting up 2-3 times a year in person and chatting every day on the phone.

I supported my friend through an unpleasant divorce and the death of both parents and she helped me when I had any ups and downs. Over time, she became close to my husband and children and I considered her to be the sister I'd never had.

Things became difficult when I took a more senior job. It was a massive stretch and I struggled to manage a demanding role alongside a young family. My mental health began to suffer and I definitely leaned on my friend. She was initially supportive, until one day, out of the blue, she told me she needed to take a step back. This 'step back' involved us going no contact for a while. She didn't explain why, just said she needed a complete break.

I really struggled with the no contact thing. To go from daily contact to nothing at all felt awful and I was bereft. In my unwell state, I panicked and assumed I must have done something terrible to upset her. I ignored the no contact request and asked (begged, in fact) to be given a second chance, asked why I was being pushed out and so on. My friend responded once to say I'd done nothing wrong and that it was to do with her issues (which she didn't want to discuss at that time). Then silence.

Silence that lasted a decade.

In the meantime, I had a breakdown, lost my job and struggled to cope. I became severely mentally ill, was sectioned twice as my life was at serious risk. It took me YEARS to recover and although I'll never be the way I was before my breakdown, things are better now.

My former friend has recently been in touch by email. She says she wants to re-establish contact with a view to potentially building our relationship again.

AIBU to say 'no thank you' and continue with my life as it is? I'll always love my friend and understandably I'm curious as to why she's got in touch now. Having said that, I've worked hard to regain my sanity and don't want to revisit that awful time in my life. Could I ever get past the fact she ditched me at my most vulnerable?

Any thoughts please?

I agree with this too. Also the number of people saying the OP’s friend ghosted her, I thought this meant suddenly breaking off contact with no explanation, but the friend did tell her that she needed to step back from the friendship and take a break. So she didn’t ghost her.

I'd just ignore the email

YANBU to not want to resume contact.

Likewise, she WNBU to take a break from contact.

Your friendship sounded intense. You were talking every day, before you started 'leaning on' her even more. What did that look like? More than one phone call a day presumably. Did she have a job and a young family as well?

You said she was initially supportive. Could that mean she really tried for a time? As in, didn't just dump you when times were tough, but tried. And maybe it took it out of her.

I don't agree with the people being hard on your friend. We don't know what she was going through. And she didn't ghost you. She told you she was taking a break and told you it wasn't your fault. I'm not sure what more she owed you.

Sounds like she'd been through a divorce, you had lots on at work and maybe overly leant on her. It all sounds very intense and you are probably better off not rekindling it.

I'm glad you've made peace with your decision OP and decided to let sleeping dogs lie. As you can see on here there is a massive difference of opinion in whether your friends actions were justifiable - imo, no they weren't, you don't abandon friends in their hour of need. But you've moved on to a much happier healthier place now and that's what matters. Keep being well.

OP what a good response, acknowledging how it must have been intense for both of you at the time. There is no right or wrong - ten years is a long time you as you say you are both different people now.

Good luck

Excellent response OP, so pleased (for you both)

All this is fine but since she never thought of checking on how OP was doing a year later or 2 years later, WHY does she want to be back in OP's life 10 years later?

It is ghosting because she didnt contact OP a year or maybe 2 years later to ask how she was doing. I
So what does she want now after 10 years?

If it was 10 months then your arguments would have been valid.

It is one thing to be drained of supporting someone with mental health problems and wanting to take a break for months, it is another to disappear for 10 years and then send a message to want to be friends again.

It is perfectly fine for friend to go no contact for her own sake but to want to be friend again 10 years later is quite selfish. OP also supported friend in the past, so it was not a one street like many posters made it sound like. At the end, everyone has a right to step back but to never checking if OP was ok in all these years and now wanting to be friends is quite self centred approach to friendship/ people. 10 year is the key here OP.

OP supported friend through her divorce. Her divorce was not at the same time as OP having mental health issues.

It is ghosting

Ghosting is when people vanish without explanation. She gave an explanation.

I know I wouldn't be able to just leave it without knowing why she did it. Any sort of explanation at least.

Did anyone think that the other friend may have gone through a very similar journey to the op and may have just come out of the other side ? It was implied that the friend went through a very sad and difficult phase herself and may not have healed as the op thought .

My sil supported her best friend who was experiencing depression for a very long period . Her friend eventually got sectioned which was very sad and took a toll on sil. Sil would make numerous trips to the hospital to visit her friend and support her . The family started to see the effect this was having on sil and asked her to perhaps draw a few boundaries and take a step back but she refused. I think she was too heavily invested by then - sad thing is that sil eventually suffered a nervous breakdown and ended up being sectioned unto the same hospital ward as her friend . This was heartbreaking to watch .
20 years later and they've both recovered though not to their original lives but are not as close friends as they were . It's very sad as what was supposed to be a kind and selfless act, drew them apart. The friend still speaks highly of sil but sil rarely does speak of the friend . It's a tough one but really these life experiences do change you as a person .

I think if ten years had passed I'd be long reconciled to the idea of never knowing for sure, and wouldn't want to dig it up.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I'm happy with my decision not to re-establish contact. I spent a long time (several years!) feeling angry and hurt, but those feelings gradually receded and I accepted things as they were. I now have lots of lovely and often very funny memories of this friendship, none of which have been sullied by the way it ended.

Good to hear from you. I’m glad you reached a decision and that you feel at peace with the past.