For not wanting to go to DH's grandmother's funeral?

[GinnyBee]

My husband's grandmother (MIL's mum) died recently and the funeral is scheduled to be the day before our first baby's first birthday. That's almost irrelevant, however, because I don't think I'd feel any differently if it was just a normal day. They weren't close, I've met this woman less than 10 times in my life and the whole family have always spoken very meanly about her, including my MIL. My husband isn't close to that side of the family at all, he's seen his cousins once in the 11 years we've been together.

So I've pretty much assumed I'm not expected to attend, especially with a 1-year-old to juggle, but a recent chat with my SIL has made me question whether MIL would be offended and if I should go to show support. We're close with my husband's family, they live next door and we see each other pretty much on a daily basis, but I don't think that alone means I should be going to a complete stranger's funeral even though she's technically "family". And the very next day we will be having close family round for LO's birthday lunch which I will need to prep for. Should I just suck it up and go, or is it ok to skip this one? I didn't go to the grandad's funeral either, but I was out of the country at the time.

I can't ask MIL what she thinks as she's a terrible communicator on a good day, and is now having all sorts of complicated emotions about it because she didn't much like her mother.

I wouldn't go in your situation

I think you should defo go! Your DH mightve said he doesn't expect it, but you have a whole family of in laws to show your support to too. Your MIL has lost her mother, you need to be there for her!

Go - funerals are for the living.

Your baby will is small enough not to notice if people are upset and actually they'll lift the mood of the place and is very much a reminder that life goes on.

If you don't attend a funeral or wedding then it's remembered. There's no way I'd want that held against me or for it to cause any ill feeling whatsoever for the sake of a few hours of my time.

If you don't want to go, don't go, make your choice and stick to it. Also just have a quick chat to hubby and MIL.

I disagree with most, I wouldn't go unless it was to support family members but it seems they aren't too bothered.

You’d be going to support your dh.

As I said earlier, my DIL only met my mum twice, but she came to her funeral to support her dh, ds1, and to support me.

There was a possibility that she might not have been able to come - an appointment she could not have got out of - but that was changed (by the other party) so she was able to come. If she had just said “I didn’t know your mum, so I can’t be bothered to come” (or if I had felt that was her motivation), I would have been very hurt, and it would have made an already hard day just a little bit harder.

Right, thanks everyone. Lots to think about. I've learned stuff and will keep this in mind. I think I'll have a word with FIL if he might have an idea of what MIL actually expects. DH will think I'm being foolish even considering it, I truly cannot stress enough how much he doesn't care about this funeral and would skip it himself if he could. He does not need nor want me to go to support him.

I wouldn’t go unless there is an easy babysitter for your 1 year old. I’d ask dh if he wants you to go / needs your support.

I wouldn't worry about a babysitter, if LO starts crying take them out.

I'm assuming she is 80s or 90s so really it becomes a family gathering and a celebration of life rather than a heartbreaking funeral.

I wouldn’t take a baby to a funeral. So staying home to look after the baby would be my reason for not going.

Go and support your family. Staying at home to prep for a birthday party seems a little disrespectful tbh.

Why not, not aggressively just wondering why you wouldn’t?

Because my little darling would be crying and trying to leave the room, he’s not a contented soul unfortunately. Other people’s babies might be happy to sit quietly on their knee though.

I’ve also read quite a few mn posts saying that babies are absolutely not welcome at funerals, so I’d be conscious of that as well.

Fair enough!
btw, dd2 aged around 4/5 thought little darling was just a term for children and would ask “what’s your little darlings name?”

😂adorable

I'd take a baby if I'd no choice, I'd be more loathed to take a 2-7 year old I think they are old enough to be upset by adults being upset. And get daft ideas in their heads

The upset will go over a babies 👶 head, and they have an ability to lift the mood later. Its impossible not to smile at a baby when they look at you. And they are a reminder that life goes on.

Definitely go!
Have a chat with mil before and say you will bring baby but will pop out if he or she gets upset or is to noisy.
I know my dad really appreciated having his grandchildren at the funeral/wake of his parents.

Posted to soon!
I think it's really important children are included in funeral and it shouldn't be hidden from them. My daughter sat on my lap for dh grandmothers funeral when she was 4 I just took something for her to look at. Then at the wake I took her and my nephews for a walk when they started getting a bit fidgety.
She was 6 month when my grandma died and she sat with me for about half the funeral then my dh took her outside for the last bit.