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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not wanting to go to DH's grandmother's funeral?

119 replies

GinnyBee · 26/04/2023 10:58

My husband's grandmother (MIL's mum) died recently and the funeral is scheduled to be the day before our first baby's first birthday. That's almost irrelevant, however, because I don't think I'd feel any differently if it was just a normal day. They weren't close, I've met this woman less than 10 times in my life and the whole family have always spoken very meanly about her, including my MIL. My husband isn't close to that side of the family at all, he's seen his cousins once in the 11 years we've been together.

So I've pretty much assumed I'm not expected to attend, especially with a 1-year-old to juggle, but a recent chat with my SIL has made me question whether MIL would be offended and if I should go to show support. We're close with my husband's family, they live next door and we see each other pretty much on a daily basis, but I don't think that alone means I should be going to a complete stranger's funeral even though she's technically "family". And the very next day we will be having close family round for LO's birthday lunch which I will need to prep for. Should I just suck it up and go, or is it ok to skip this one? I didn't go to the grandad's funeral either, but I was out of the country at the time.

I can't ask MIL what she thinks as she's a terrible communicator on a good day, and is now having all sorts of complicated emotions about it because she didn't much like her mother.

OP posts:

Talipesmum · 26/04/2023 11:49

I think it would be generally thought of as a good thing for you to go, to support / show respect to the family you married into. It def wouldn’t be seen as a negative because you hardly knew her.

But since you have a 1 year old who you don’t have childcare for, AND your DH doesn’t mind at all if you don’t go, I’d send your apologies and a card or something, and explain that you need to stay looking after your child because you can’t really bring them.

ZenNudist · 26/04/2023 11:49

Go
Take your DD if you have to, spend all your time outside if she fusses, it's being there that counts.

Not only does it support DH and his mum but also you meet and are part of the wider family. This stuff is important.

It would be really cold not to go and it doesn't really matter if they all hate her. Family is odd like that. You still show up for funerals.

paulaparticles · 26/04/2023 11:50

Would you expect him to go to your family funerals ?
Creating drama and making it all about you just go for goodness sake put yourself out 🙄

Mariposista · 26/04/2023 11:50

You don’t really have an excuse not to go.

FluffMagnet · 26/04/2023 11:51

Look, I've been to my FIL's cousin's funeral with my DH because FIL no longer lives in the country and we were to "represent" that particular branch (FIL is an only child). It was received well by the grieving family that we'd made the effort. DH had met the deceased once, as a child. Likewise DH's grandfather died shortly before the birth of our second child. DS was only 1.5 months (and had spent that first month mainly in hospital with bronchiolitis and then on Covid isolation), and the funeral was the first time DH's family (including his mother) got to meet our son. I just sat near the door with baby DS and toddler DD, ready to run if either kicked off. Again the family really appreciated my attendance.

caringcarer · 26/04/2023 11:51

If you get on with your MiL then you should go and take your baby with you. After the service your MiL may be glad of your baby to distract her from difficult emotions.

Piglet89 · 26/04/2023 11:52

You sound very empathetic, OP.

bananaboats · 26/04/2023 11:54

You should definitely go. Ive been to many 'strangers' funerals to support family or friends

Original poster

GinnyBee · 26/04/2023 11:55

paulaparticles · 26/04/2023 11:50

Would you expect him to go to your family funerals ?
Creating drama and making it all about you just go for goodness sake put yourself out 🙄

Not really to be honest. If he doesn't know the family members I would not expect him to come, it's not really typical where I'm from to attend funerals of people you don't know. My own parents didn't attend funerals of the other's relatives if they didn't know them.

OP posts:

Lemoncakefortea · 26/04/2023 11:57

Just say that the baby had a bit of a temp on the morning so you sadly need to stay home with your little one. Make sure your DH keeps the party line.

RestrictiveCovenant · 26/04/2023 11:59

You go to a funeral of your DHs relatives to generally support your DH and any family members you are close to, not to necessarily pay your respects to the departed don’t you? What does your DH prefer you to do? That would be where I take my lead from.

Gtsr443 · 26/04/2023 12:00

Where I'm from funerals are an excuse for a mighty piss up opportunity to meet up with various family members that we don't get to see often.
You should go - it's what being married and part of a family is all about.

IsItThough · 26/04/2023 12:01

Go, support your family, your DH and your MIL

I've hoiked babies to funerals, you can whip them out if they make a fuss, but often people have said it made it all a bit more bearable to see them

Chowtime · 26/04/2023 12:03

Of course you should go. Your his wife - you attend his family funerals with him - Thats how it works.

LizzieSiddal · 26/04/2023 12:05

You do NOT need to go!

Varous elderly relatives of dh’s have died and i’ve never been to a single one, including his grandmother. I always stayed at home with the dc or there would have been nobody took after them!
Dh never cared about me not going and as your DH doesn’t care, you should stay at home.

RuthW · 26/04/2023 12:06

You should go. Odd if you don't

Boughtitdownthemarket · 26/04/2023 12:07

In Ireland it would be very strange and rude not to attend your husband's relative funeral but I appreciate that different places are different.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 26/04/2023 12:08

it's not really typical where I'm from to attend funerals of people you don't know.

It's not really here either, although different families are different.
I would worry less about what your culture does, or people in this country do, and focus on what is right for you and your family in this situation.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/04/2023 12:08

Just go. An hour's drive is nothing.

I find it really, really odd that your husband assumes you will not attend his grandmother's funeral.

Seesawmarjorydaw · 26/04/2023 12:10

You go. I’ve been to DH’s cousin’s funeral (never met her), his aunt’s (met her once). He came to my grandad’s (met him once). It’s just what you do.

When there have been small children - I had an 18 month old at that aunt’s funeral, 4 hours and a hotel away - then I’ve lingered at the back or outside the venue. But I was there, and that was important.

Ichosetheredpill · 26/04/2023 12:10

If your DH isn’t expecting you to go, I wouldn’t go with a 1 year old. From experience, funerals of people you had mixed emotions about can be even harder than funerals where you loved the person, so perhaps if you were at home, you could do dinner for everyone when they come back, as your MiL lives next door? You can show love and support in more ways than just being at the funeral. And in my experience, the funeral is the beginning of the end of wider friends and family being present after a death, so your support on a daily basis is equally valuable as being at a funeral where they will be surrounded by people who have come to show support.

Emigratingimmigrant · 26/04/2023 12:12

In my culture it would be considered almost weird if a spouse who didn't really know the deceased attended the funeral just because they married into the family. Something to keep in mind.

I am curious at what culture are husbands and wifes married in not going to close relative of their spouses funerals? It's good to know these things actually

Emigratingimmigrant · 26/04/2023 12:13

If your DH doesn't want you to go, you don't have to. If he does, it's a good support

3luckystars · 26/04/2023 12:13

You absolutely should go. Bring the baby too.

jannier · 26/04/2023 12:14

Seriously if course you go unless he has said he's not

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