Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to go to DH's grandmother's funeral?

119 replies

GinnyBee · 26/04/2023 10:58

My husband's grandmother (MIL's mum) died recently and the funeral is scheduled to be the day before our first baby's first birthday. That's almost irrelevant, however, because I don't think I'd feel any differently if it was just a normal day. They weren't close, I've met this woman less than 10 times in my life and the whole family have always spoken very meanly about her, including my MIL. My husband isn't close to that side of the family at all, he's seen his cousins once in the 11 years we've been together.

So I've pretty much assumed I'm not expected to attend, especially with a 1-year-old to juggle, but a recent chat with my SIL has made me question whether MIL would be offended and if I should go to show support. We're close with my husband's family, they live next door and we see each other pretty much on a daily basis, but I don't think that alone means I should be going to a complete stranger's funeral even though she's technically "family". And the very next day we will be having close family round for LO's birthday lunch which I will need to prep for. Should I just suck it up and go, or is it ok to skip this one? I didn't go to the grandad's funeral either, but I was out of the country at the time.

I can't ask MIL what she thinks as she's a terrible communicator on a good day, and is now having all sorts of complicated emotions about it because she didn't much like her mother.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 26/04/2023 12:15

Lemoncakefortea · 26/04/2023 11:57

Just say that the baby had a bit of a temp on the morning so you sadly need to stay home with your little one. Make sure your DH keeps the party line.

This would be my response too. A sick, grizzly baby enhances no occasion. You need to keep them indoors, then they will be fine for the family lunch the next day.

( Many of the people telling you to go would be complaining wildly if it was them, btw)

3luckystars · 26/04/2023 12:16

I would like to know the culture too. I’m Irish so this sounds like another planet to me. I would go if it was a neighbours granny and I never met her at all.😂

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/04/2023 12:16

I am curious at what culture are husbands and wifes married in not going to close relative of their spouses funerals

I am interested in this too.

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 26/04/2023 12:17

in this case your culture is not particularily relevant ; what is relevant is the culture of the family of the bereaved, an hour's drive with a baby is not really a big deal 3-4 hours would be different,
I would go take the baby and be ready to take baby out of main service if making too mmuch noisy take a few quiet toys or snacks to bribe them quiet, at reception afterwards your baby is likely to be a good distraction
I would suggest you go

purplecorkheart · 26/04/2023 12:19

Go and either bring the baby with you or ask the close family members who are attending the party the next day to look after the baby.

Wenfy · 26/04/2023 12:19

Just say baby isn’t well?

Christmascracker0 · 26/04/2023 12:21

It would be polite to go.

My cousin took her baby to my granny’s funeral. The baby napped in a pram at the internment but was awake for the service, cousin sat in a smaller room in the church that the service was relayed too.

lauraisa · 26/04/2023 12:23

You clearly don't want to go so don't go! I doubt anyone will care if you are there.

1offnamechange · 26/04/2023 12:23

someone whom you've met multiple times isn't a complete stranger though! A complete stranger is someone whom you've never met. Some whom you've met once or twice could perhaps be described as 'practically a stranger' but someone whom you've met, what, 8-9 times? is just someone you don't know particularly well.

Personally yes I would go (and have gone to the funerals of people I've met much fewer than that, i.e. a friend's parent) but more in the context of supporting those who do know the deceased, are grieving and appreciate others being there for them, whereas your situation is more complicated.

You say you don't want to ask MIL because she's a bad communicator but I don't really see the rationale - if she says no but then later says she did want you to come that's on her. I would just ask her and do what she says, even if it's a 'I don't mind,' that gets you off the hook, if she complains in a few years just say 'I specifically asked you if you wanted me to come and you said you didn't care either way, DH said he didn't need me there, I'm not a mind reader, if you'd wanted me to come you should have said so.'

readbooksdrinktea · 26/04/2023 12:25

GinnyBee · 26/04/2023 11:13

Interesting! In my culture it would be considered almost weird if a spouse who didn't really know the deceased attended the funeral just because they married into the family. Something to keep in mind.

The funeral will be around an hour's drive and I couldn't just leave early as I don't have my own car. DH definitely isn't expecting me to go.

Then why are you asking strangers on the Internet?

OldFan · 26/04/2023 12:31

You say she was a complete stranger, but she's not, you've seen her about once a year for 10/11 years.

I think you should go TBH.

gogohmm · 26/04/2023 12:32

Go unless you can't take your little one, the baby may be a welcome distraction

LumpySpaceGoddess · 26/04/2023 12:34

FictionalCharacter · 26/04/2023 11:15

I agree with your reasons not to go and disagree with the majority here. I hope when I die, my grandchildren's spouses who I've rarely even met aren't guilt tripped by family members into going to my funeral.

I feel like this too, I think it’s bizarre to force someone to go to a funeral in these circumstances, her husband will have the support of his family, and his wife is surely already supporting him right now? What difference does her attendance at a funeral make?
I have family members that I wouldn’t want anywhere near my own funeral and I certainly won’t be attending theirs if they die before me and I wouldn’t force myself to go just to support other family members either.

GP75 · 26/04/2023 12:37

If your DH wants you to go then I think you should but if he's not bothered then don't go 🤷

Squamata · 26/04/2023 12:42

You met her up to 10 times and married into her family? That's not a stranger.

You should go:

  • because you're part of the family and it's pretty much a duty
  • because you should be supporting your MIL, especially if you're close
  • because to be frank, funerals of elderly people often need as many bums on seats as they can get, a funeral with a handful of people is bleak
  • because these occasions can be times when you learn something about the family, or get a new perspective that is valuable or form closer links with more distant relatives

I'd take the baby after checking with MIL, and if you really can't organise your baby's birthday as well then have that on a different day - the baby doesn't know what day it is!

Mephisneon · 26/04/2023 12:43

I think it's rude and disrespectful not to go tbh. I met my partner's grandad twice in the 15 years we'd been together when he died. I still travelled 400 miles with my partner to go to his funeral.

whynotwhatknot · 26/04/2023 12:44

i never met my dh aunt and i went to the funeral to support him-felt a bit awkward but still

i would check the baby is welcome though

JudgeJ · 26/04/2023 12:44

even though she's technically "family".

Your husband's grandmother is family, not 'technically family', whatever you think of her!

user1472831787887 · 26/04/2023 12:46

You should go to support your husband and his family. It doesn't matter if the deceased is practically a stranger to you, that's not the sole reason to attend.
However! If you have nobody else to look after your baby then I think that is a reasonable reason to not attend. There is absolutely no way I would take my baby to a funeral where she would be shouting and screeching throughout the service! Of course your one year old may be better behaved than that and then it's your call if you think it would work or not...

strawberry2017 · 26/04/2023 12:52

I don't think you should go. Offer to join him at the wake with the baby but use the baby as an excuse ti skip the funeral.
If he was close to her then I would say differently but he's not and I don't think you need to be there.

YouWithoutEnd · 26/04/2023 12:55

I think you should go OP. If if not for the deceased, then do it for your DP’s family - it’s symbolic of you saying “I’m a part of this family, and you all matter to me”.

Shufflebumnessie · 26/04/2023 12:59

I know I'm in the minority but if my DH was happy for me not to attend then I wouldn't, especially with a young child in tow.
Personally, I would only want my immediate family / friends at my funeral. I definitely wouldn't want someone who was feeling guilt-tripped in to attending.
You can support your DH without going to the funeral.
My DH Aunt died a couple of years ago, her funeral was a couple of hours away, we had no one to help with the school run etc and we felt there was no need for the children to be forced to attend, so I didn't go with him to her funeral. No one questioned it, they understood our circumstances.
I appreciate that most people don't share my view but really don't understand the pressure that is put on people to attend funerals, especially if you weren't close to the deceased.

EmotionalSupportWyrm · 26/04/2023 13:01

I really think you need to check out with MIL what she expects. In some families/cultures you would be expected to go. There is no right or wrong here, just different expectations which you need to be clear about.

my best friend's (from school) dad died when I was away at Uni. I had spent hours at their house as a teen and I adored him, he was lovely to me. I did manage to get up, by train, for the day for the funeral - only to find my own parents there. They had never met him, but heard he'd died and knew I would have wanted to be there if I could - so went to "represent" me. It was important in their minds to do that. (They didn't have a phone so I had no way of letting them know I had actually managed to get a last minute cheap ticket to go up). My friend and her family were very touched. We were all from an Irish catholic background and funeral going to 'pay respects' was (is?) very important in that culture.

Flowerly · 26/04/2023 13:05

paulaparticles · 26/04/2023 11:50

Would you expect him to go to your family funerals ?
Creating drama and making it all about you just go for goodness sake put yourself out 🙄

Agree.

Lamelie · 26/04/2023 13:10

Go and take the baby.

Swipe left for the next trending thread