For not wanting to go to DH's grandmother's funeral?

[GinnyBee]

My husband's grandmother (MIL's mum) died recently and the funeral is scheduled to be the day before our first baby's first birthday. That's almost irrelevant, however, because I don't think I'd feel any differently if it was just a normal day. They weren't close, I've met this woman less than 10 times in my life and the whole family have always spoken very meanly about her, including my MIL. My husband isn't close to that side of the family at all, he's seen his cousins once in the 11 years we've been together.

So I've pretty much assumed I'm not expected to attend, especially with a 1-year-old to juggle, but a recent chat with my SIL has made me question whether MIL would be offended and if I should go to show support. We're close with my husband's family, they live next door and we see each other pretty much on a daily basis, but I don't think that alone means I should be going to a complete stranger's funeral even though she's technically "family". And the very next day we will be having close family round for LO's birthday lunch which I will need to prep for. Should I just suck it up and go, or is it ok to skip this one? I didn't go to the grandad's funeral either, but I was out of the country at the time.

I can't ask MIL what she thinks as she's a terrible communicator on a good day, and is now having all sorts of complicated emotions about it because she didn't much like her mother.

All families are different! We’ve had babies at family funerals, it’s par for the course in my world. Depends on the closest bereaved and what they want.

Having a baby isn’t an excuse not to go, shocked u think it is. It

Surely the family members who do go can support each other. OP's DH isn't expecting her to go.

We don't have anyone to look after him. My family live abroad and husband's family will be at the funeral.

I absolutely definitely think you should go.

Go. You go for the bereaved. Your MIL needs to have people there who understand why this is complicated for her.

I would take the baby - mine have been to family funerals with me when they were small, although it might be worth checking that you’re MIL is okay with that (& it gives you your answer if she isn’t & there’s no one else to mind them)

Yes I think you should go (and the baby stuff excuses are just that, really.) There wont be another funeral for her.

We have been in exactly this position recently, @GinnyBee. My mother died last month, and the funeral was last Tuesday. My lovely DIL had only met my mum twice - once at their wedding and once when we organised a 4 generation family get-together, so the great grandparents and great aunts and uncles could meet their daughter.

My DIL came to the funeral - her parents looked after the baby, so she could come - and I was so grateful to her, because it was a very difficult day for me, and I was worried about how my dses would cope (even though they are all adults), and her being there meant I knew that ds1 had her support and love, which took a bit of the worry off me.

If you can go, it might mean an awful lot to your dh, and to your MIL too. You didn't know your MIL's mum well, but you know and love your dh, and he will value your support.

Yes, and if DH and MIL are all fine with it then no problem. I was just exposing why the grandmother (or anyone!) being a ‘complete stranger’ is not actually a get-out-of-funeral-free card in all scenarios.

I've attended the funerals of the parents of close friends. I barely met the parents but I went for the sake of my friends.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Go for your DH's sake.

I’m also going against the grain here. I was born in Sweden and remember everyone who turned up for my mother’s funeral- I remember because there were many faces there I didn’t know and one lady who my mum didn’t get along with. It was such a difficult day, the absolute worst, and I hated seeing people there who’d lost contact with my mum many many years ago. These people also brought along spouses and I had no idea who they were. To see me at my most vulnerable, in that raw, exceptionally private moment. It was the WORST having people there I knew had no contact with my mum. She was very private herself and would not have wanted them there.

But this might be different, maybe your MIL would value you showing your respect. So even though it’s a hard conversation to have, I’d probably have it. I’d word it like “I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’d like to show my respect, but it’s difficult with a young child” and just see what she says.

FWIW I wouldn’t judge you in the slightest for not going. I’m going to have to put in my will that I would also like the closest family to attend mine. I don’t want my kids to be dealing with what I had to.
Sometimes it’s a sign of respect NOT to attend.

‘In my culture it would be considered almost weird if a spouse who didn't really know the deceased attended the funeral just because they married into the family… My husband doesn’t expect me to go’.
So why are you asking people what to do? You have your own answer right there. Not going clearly isn’t an issue. Or are you just looking for a thing to talk about?

In that case I'd phrase it like that to MIL and ask her which she thinks is better.

Yabu
Dont use your 1 yo as an excuse
And @Vallmo47 you are comparing Apples and pears.

I'd be led by your DH.

Personally i wouldn't take a one year old on a two hour round trip to a funeral for someone for the 'gesture' of it.

I would not expect a son in law of mine to leave/take their baby on a long drive to come to my mother's funeral. My DC's support would be enough.

I'm not asking people what to do, I'm asking for opinions because I'm not sure! Clearly there's a cultural difference here which I wasn't aware of and has been useful to learn about.

Maybe think of it this way. Personally I wouldn’t go to a one-year-old’s birthday party off my own back because I think it’s a pointless gesture for a grub who won’t have any idea what’s going on. However, I’m well versed enough in social graces to know that one goes to a baby’s first birthday party for the sake of the adults who love that baby and to acknowledge something that’s special to them even if it’s meaningless to me.

And the same goes for funerals: you attend, even if you don’t care much for the individual in the coffin, for the sake of the adults you like for whom it will mean something.

Go. It's very hard to lose a parent that you had a difficult relationship with so might take it very badly if you don't go.

Go.

find out if kids are attending and bring your baby if you can.

one goes to a baby’s first birthday party for the sake of the adults who love that baby and to acknowledge something that’s special to them

I agree with this but, the OP has said DH is fine if she doesn't go as neither he or his own mother was close to the dead woman. No love or specialness going on.

I hear what you're saying, but I completely agree about the birthday party too. We're not doing one for that reason, I feel it's pointless 😅 we're only doing a family lunch for the in-laws who live next door and SIL and her wife who want to see more of him and they happen to be free that day which is rare.

I dunno. I just wouldn't expect someone to bring a one year old on a long drive to a funeral of someone they hardly knew when the ones who did didn't care much about them anyway.

When my DH and I started dating, my grandma already had dementia. He met her a handful of times before she passed, at varying stages of disease. He didn't know her well, in fact he only knew her sick, but he did come to the funeral to support me. The 1yo complicates matters. If you don't have childcare then I wouldn't think it odd not to go but maybe you could bring baby to the wake if the family are ok with that.

I think it’s fine not to go, you have a baby to look after.