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Original poster

Could you be with someone you’re not attracted to?

85 replies

IcedCoffeePlease89 · 26/04/2023 08:12

So I briefly dated someone about a year ago, we got on so well but physically I really struggled to find them attractive (I’m not being shallow, they aren’t bad looking at all, just not my type) so we stayed really close friends instead (talking daily, seeing each other regularly).

They had been a bit off with me recently and when I confronted them about it they admitted how they really felt about me all this time - that they had actually been in love with me for a while now but they were worried about telling me.

We do genuinely get on so well, we constantly have a laugh and we’re also able to really open up with each other too which is important for us both because we’ve had hard lives. They are genuinely a lovely person, very caring and I know that they would do absolutely anything for me and never hurt me - not intentionally/on purpose anyway -and if it was just based on personality it could probably be a fantastic relationship, but I’m just not physically attracted to them which has been a huge barrier for me.

Could you date someone you wasn’t attracted to if their personality was brilliant and you know they have been really good to you in terms of treating you right etc or is this just me being a bit of a twat basically?!

OP posts:
Holycow23x · 26/04/2023 08:13

Absolutely not. A physical relationship and attraction is just as important as everything else. I wouldn’t settle.

YukoandHiro · 26/04/2023 08:14

No, that electricity is essential to forming a long standing connection. You will stray. He will resent you for not really feeling the same way.

ily0xx · 26/04/2023 08:17

I mean we’re all going to age, looks go eventually.

13Bastards · 26/04/2023 08:20

Nope. Tried it once in my 20's and I am ashamed to say as soon as someone who I did find attractive my head was turned and I was off.

He was a lovely guy, we got on well and really had I been more mature I woods have kept it as friends from the start.

OrlandointheWilderness · 26/04/2023 08:20

I did, for 4 years. Don't do it. I couldn't have sex with him sober and in the end I actually found him repulsive.

Lotusflower16 · 26/04/2023 08:21

I did it and it was awful.

Emmamoo89 · 26/04/2023 08:22

Nope.

ChimChimeny · 26/04/2023 08:25

ily0xx · 26/04/2023 08:17

I mean we’re all going to age, looks go eventually.

Yes but ideally I still want to find them attractive before we're old!
DH and I have been together 16 years & I still fancy him, we're just getting greyer & saggier together

PappedOot · 26/04/2023 08:25

Not in a million years. I just physically couldn’t be with someone I didn’t feel a connection with and fancy the pants off them. It’s not just their looks it’s about the chemistry/attraction to them too!

sure I could like them as a friend but I’d never go into a relationship with them. It’s not fair to them either and doesn’t bode well.

BashfulClam · 26/04/2023 08:27

Nope, if you did decide to do this it would ruin the Friendship.

itsmylife7 · 26/04/2023 08:27

no way

ttc2603 · 26/04/2023 08:32

I wasn't attracted to my partner at first but then we just got to know each other and started dating. The attraction started to come eventually, give it a go and see how it goes I think you do start to become attracted to their personality then it makes them sexually attractive (that was the case for me). Give it a go anyways and just see what happens, what's the harm in trying? If he sounds like a good guy go for it!

Naunet · 26/04/2023 09:04

ttc2603 · 26/04/2023 08:32

I wasn't attracted to my partner at first but then we just got to know each other and started dating. The attraction started to come eventually, give it a go and see how it goes I think you do start to become attracted to their personality then it makes them sexually attractive (that was the case for me). Give it a go anyways and just see what happens, what's the harm in trying? If he sounds like a good guy go for it!

So you want op to force herself to have a sexual relationship with a man she isn’t attracted to because he wants her to? And if it doesn’t go well, and she can’t do it, he gets his heart broken? Yeah, sounds like harm all round to me.

Kennedydavenport · 26/04/2023 09:10

So by one of the posters saying 'looks are going to go ' implies that only younger people can be considered attractive.... Nice

Netcam · 26/04/2023 09:11

I think chemistry is important and good sex with someone you feel that chemistry with is essential. I remember years ago a therapist saying to me when I got married for the first time, 'whatever you do, make sure you make love, it sorts everything else out'. We didn't and I ended up leaving, I didn't want to have sex with him and just couldn't force myself to, although there were numerous other issues too. But now on 2nd marriage and very happy, definitely feel the therapist's advice was right, but there needs to be sexual desire with the person in the first place. However, I do think it's possible to be friends with someone and for that to develop, but I wouldn't personally do anything unless that feeling has developed.

TweedPillow · 26/04/2023 09:13

No I couldn’t

@ChimChimeny same here though we are at about 27 years, DH had bouffant hair like Hugh Grant when we got together and has bugger all now. I love every single line on that man’s face the ones from laughing and the ones from stress.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/04/2023 09:13

I did and it was soul destroying. You’ve got to have that spark to have something to fall back on when times get tough.

ily0xx · 26/04/2023 09:18

Kennedydavenport · 26/04/2023 09:10

So by one of the posters saying 'looks are going to go ' implies that only younger people can be considered attractive.... Nice

Excuse me!? If you’re going to make a bitchy reply to my comment atleast quote tweet me. And yes it’s just a fact of life looks diminish over time, how many eighty year olds are you attracted to?! Don’t act dense.

Kennedydavenport · 26/04/2023 09:21

Bloody hell 😂

ttc2603 · 26/04/2023 09:28

@Naunet absolutely not but if she's even questioning this she obviously must want more than friends? Otherwise she would make it clear to stay friends and not even question it.

I was giving advice on what happened with me and it worked out so was telling her to give it a go. You never know it could work for her as it seems they obviously have a connection (just not a sexual one)

Marblessolveeverything · 26/04/2023 09:37

I think people are mixing up attraction for looks. Attraction is individual and is not in my opinion conventional good looks. Its the physical attributes that you desire the great chemistry as well as being the best friend etc.

Looks are subjective - there are plenty of gorgeous men but that doesn't mean they are all attractive to me.

If you didn't "click" have the chemistry then it would only be cruel on both of you.

Strugglingtodomybest · 26/04/2023 10:02

I agree @Marblessolveeverything

It's not about looks per se, it's about chemistry.

I wouldn't be able to maintain a long term relationship with someone I didn't have chemistry with.

x2boys · 26/04/2023 10:12

Do you feel.like you could be attracted to him?
In long term relationships tee had to e more than a physical attraction,but if you can't imagine being intimate or 'the thought is a big turn off than I don't think you will.ever be attracted to him.

EightChalk · 26/04/2023 10:16

It says in the first post that she already did try going out with him but it didn't work out because of the lack of physical attraction. That's why they're friends now.

EightChalk · 26/04/2023 10:17

EightChalk · 26/04/2023 10:16

It says in the first post that she already did try going out with him but it didn't work out because of the lack of physical attraction. That's why they're friends now.

That was in response to @ttc2603

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