Could you be with someone you’re not attracted to?

[IcedCoffeePlease89]

So I briefly dated someone about a year ago, we got on so well but physically I really struggled to find them attractive (I’m not being shallow, they aren’t bad looking at all, just not my type) so we stayed really close friends instead (talking daily, seeing each other regularly).

They had been a bit off with me recently and when I confronted them about it they admitted how they really felt about me all this time - that they had actually been in love with me for a while now but they were worried about telling me.

We do genuinely get on so well, we constantly have a laugh and we’re also able to really open up with each other too which is important for us both because we’ve had hard lives. They are genuinely a lovely person, very caring and I know that they would do absolutely anything for me and never hurt me - not intentionally/on purpose anyway -and if it was just based on personality it could probably be a fantastic relationship, but I’m just not physically attracted to them which has been a huge barrier for me.

Could you date someone you wasn’t attracted to if their personality was brilliant and you know they have been really good to you in terms of treating you right etc or is this just me being a bit of a twat basically?!

This article is all about this question - was looking for it earlier :
https://www.drpsychmom.com/2021/08/14/margin-of-error-sexual-attraction-husband/

She writes that IF you hope to have a sex life long - term, it's important for women to feel a spark with the man because otherwise you're likely to completely go off him:

^1. A man needs to think his wife is really attractive in order to keep feeling that spark that motivates him to be the best man he can be. If she gains a little weight or gets some wrinkles, this will not usually mean much to him and he will continue to be very attracted to her.

1. Women are more squeamish than men overall. They are more responsive to weight gain, body odor, the feeling of sweat, seeing holes in a guy’s T shirt, and whatever else is “gross.” This means they need a larger margin of error for the decrease in attraction that they will feel when monogamy kicks in AND when their husband becomes more “gross” to them in all of these ways.^

Those Dr Psych Mom articles are very good.

Well of course but you need attraction! I’ve been with my husband for 30 year. I still look at him at 50 and find him as attractive as I did when we were 20. We’re not ripping each others clothes off and having sex all the time but still!

Absolutely not, I wouldn't be able to get intimate with someone who I'm not physically attracted to.

Story of my life really. Choices usually are someone im not attracted to but I talk myself into it because on paper I should be and I wonder why I arent. Or I find someone I cant be around without wanting to jump them but I cant be with them. Theres something seriously wrong with me. It all hurts tbh.

@Mamette Aren’t they just? They’re bang on the money for me. If only people were more honest about this stuff.

Yes, attraction to a person grows over time. We’ve all encountered this. Sexual attraction may come along with that but if you never get the really hot chemistry it will never ever be there. That’s not to say that chemistry is a great basis for a long term relationship. But it doesn’t grow. It only diminishes over time. So if you’re having slightly grudging, I-like-him-so-it’s-ok sex at the start that’s the BEST it will ever be. The absolute best.

People who started out finding each other very physically attractive don’t tend to lose that despite ageing etc. People who found each other ok-looking or talked themselves into it do lose it, and quite easily. Love doesn’t really factor into that.

No, you’re not being a twat. I’m suffering the consequences of this very thing and have been for the last 2 years. I realise that after a 38 year sexless marriage my wife is interested in sex, just not with me. I had accepted her excuse of having a low to non existent libido as the reason for our lack of physical intimacy for our entire marriage, but after discovering her affair it would appear having sex is not a problem for her. Quite clearly there was never any attraction felt by her to me, but she did want a marriage and I was the stupid idiot to agree.
So, as a woman, if you don’t have physical attraction to your partner, he is no more than another girlfriend to you. Set him free to find someone who finds him physically attractive and stop wasting his time and your own.

No I couldn't. Not fair to them or you

I mean we’re all going to age, looks go eventually.

imo this is totally different from not finding someone attractive in the first place. With moderate change it’s very likely you’ll continue to find someone attractive if you did to begin with, and they can always remind you of the person you once fancied like mad.

I was with someone I wasn’t sexually attracted to for many years (partly looks, also things like bring quite passive / submissive in bed). I reasoned along similar lines that everyone loses their looks / it shouldn’t be as important as getting on well. It was a good relationship in many ways but I never became sexually attracted to him and never shook the feeling that I was “settling”. I didn’t like him putting on weight at all and I worried about him going bald, I was annoyed when he didn’t make an effort with appearance. My current partner could put on quite a lot of weight, go bald, and walk about the house in dirty sweatpants and I’d still want to jump his bones. Sexual attraction is more complicated than just looks. It can change and develop but I wouldn’t rely on it turning up out of nothing.

My ex didn’t deserve to be with someone who didn’t feel excited by him, and it did a lot of harm to my self esteem because I was effectively telling myself every day that I wasn’t allowed what I actually wanted.

Don’t think about it as personality vs looks. Just ask yourself if you want to be with this person, does it feel like winning to be with them, or do you feel like you’re settling for something less than you want?

You might lose the friendship if you reject him, that was certainly part of my thinking when I started dating my ex. It would have been much much better for me if I acted honestly in the first place and just said no thanks. If you go for it, do so because you really want to be with him, not because you think you should want to be with him or you’re worried about losing a friend or you want to be nice or you think it’s shallow to want what you want.

Happy, healthy people want and need an active and satisfying sex life, especially if they are in a relationship or marriage. Platonic relationships are fine for those who want platonic relationships, but for everyone involved sake don’t dupe some poor soul into this type of marriage. At a risk of sounding sexist, women are particularly guilty of this, they often under estimate the need for strong physical attraction, it’s true it’s not everything , but it does need to be present or somewhere down the road a person will come along that does spark the physical side and often long term
relationships (marriages) are destroyed, inflicting all the pain and suffering it always does.