Could you be with someone you’re not attracted to?

[IcedCoffeePlease89]

So I briefly dated someone about a year ago, we got on so well but physically I really struggled to find them attractive (I’m not being shallow, they aren’t bad looking at all, just not my type) so we stayed really close friends instead (talking daily, seeing each other regularly).

They had been a bit off with me recently and when I confronted them about it they admitted how they really felt about me all this time - that they had actually been in love with me for a while now but they were worried about telling me.

We do genuinely get on so well, we constantly have a laugh and we’re also able to really open up with each other too which is important for us both because we’ve had hard lives. They are genuinely a lovely person, very caring and I know that they would do absolutely anything for me and never hurt me - not intentionally/on purpose anyway -and if it was just based on personality it could probably be a fantastic relationship, but I’m just not physically attracted to them which has been a huge barrier for me.

Could you date someone you wasn’t attracted to if their personality was brilliant and you know they have been really good to you in terms of treating you right etc or is this just me being a bit of a twat basically?!

I usually find someone more or less attractive based on their personality.

100% agree. If you don't find someone attractive, over time you will be repulsed by having a physical relationship with them, which is awful for both people. Someone being good-looking or not is completely different from whether a specific person finds them attractive.

Op

good luck when you are hitting menopause and you have a purple perm, saggy, wrinkly everything

Ask him if he still finds you attractive then 🤣🤣🤣

OitW, similar story, we were married, sadly. Also sadly, I would be sober, he would drink a beer or cider with his meal.
He slept naked. His skin exuded a peculiar smell that made me want to heave.
Then rashes started to appear, like a sweat rash, and other odd ‘symptoms’
My female gp advised me in all seriousness that I was possibly allergic to my husband.
He was a nice looking man but I didn’t find him attractive at all and towards the end I loathed him, yes found him repulsive.
Ftr, I wanted to wait until my youngest was in double figures, at secondary school but couldn’t, I was throwing up near the end.
An extreme reaction I know, but a physical manifestation of inner turmoil feeling trapped in what I realise was a VERY abusive relationship, although at the time I thought it was because I was just a rubbish person/wife/mother/dil, etc.
Counselling sorted that out, it was as though the gauze was lifted and I could finally
see/understand.

Well I feel much better now, thank you all.

My newish partner of some 18 months has not the good looks of my late partner, however his personality, his ability to make me laugh and feel good is way more attractive.

No it’s not fair on the other person.

Plenty of people find their partners attractive as they age! How sad that you think it's inevitable that you stop fancying your partner. If you choose the right person and don't take each other for granted, it is not at all a given that you will lose attraction.

Can you expand a bit on what you mean by 'attractive'. Do you just mean you don't normally find their look attractive, or do you also mean there's no connection, and that you don't want to have sex with them? If it's the latter, then no, you can't have a relationship with them; but if you just mean their looks and you still want to shag them regardless, than that's fine.

The fact that people even contemplate entering into a sexual relationship with someone they’re not sexually attracted to shows how brainwashed we are into thinking we must be coupled up at all costs.

If it was 1823 and it was either married or be destitute, yeah. In 2023? Nope.

Life has so much more to offer.

Ageist. I’m 61, ten years post penopause, I don’t have a purple perm and no intention of ever having one) and I’m not particularly saggy or wrinkly!

@SOMumm I'd never do it again. My X wasn't a particularly gifted man looks wise, and he was controlling and abusive as well. It is a mystery why I stayed so long....! 😂

I couldn't

My nana is 98, has a red perm, has shrunk to 4'9", wrinkles and sagginess abound, and frequently tells me she can use her boobs as knee warmers.

My grandad tells her every day she's his little minx and the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on. Attraction to one's partner isn't necessarily about what is conventionally attractive, it's deeper than that.

I like your grandad!

Don't settle. Women's sex drive typically declines within monogamy, so you need to have that chemistry in the first place. Otherwise, as he ages and changes and life happens, you're likely to end up in a sexless relationship in which he's utterly miserable and you're not that happy either. And on some level he'll know you're settling for him as a safe bet.

Great stuff about this on Dr Psych Mom and see also this Guardian interview with Wednesday Martin.

Exactly that’s what I’m saying attraction is not truly about looks!!

It is about something else

Well it is to me anyway

However I can see on this post it means something else to others!

I mean ask me if I’ll find a 30st man doable and that’ll be a no

but looks just don’t matter to me (aside from what I said above )

No, when I was dating I found that no matter how great the personality, I needed to find someone attractive in order to have a relationship with them.

I think people on this thread are confusing 'attractive' with 'sexually attractive.'

I'm following with interest as I'm in the midst of this dilemma. I'm perimenopausal though with next to zero libido and very irritable so I can't work out if it's him, me or both!

I am confused though as like your friend OP, my BF is kind, loyal and trustworthy and I feel safe with him but I don't look at him and want to rip his clothes off and that makes me feel very sad. My exH was an arse but I was totally in love with him and he could've gained 20 stone and lost all his hair, I would still have been besotted with him.

I'm thinking the chemistry is either there or it isn't but I'm trying to look at the pros and cons of the relationship I'm in.

As you have not taken that step, I would say don't do it. Have you thought about how you would feel if he met someone else? Would you be devastated?

Maybe the op is talking about chemistry……….

Oh, I didn't know men stay young forever.

I was attracted but there was zero chemistry, zero compatibility, we didn't like the same music, tv, he was miserable, I am not, he was silent, I like to have conversations.....

Chemistry in the broad sense is more important than anything.

First of all, there was no bitchiness in that comment. Secondly, you realise when you were 14 you fancied 14 year olds, but you don’t anymore? It’s called perspective.

Fucking hell, what a nasty comment. What is it with this thread? Older women are repulsive looking, so for some reason we’re duty bound to see past men’s looks at any age?!

Attraction isn't all about looks though. I'm in a ltr and wasn't initially bowled over by my partner. Over time, it grew and I became crazy about him. I still am, despite physical changes because I'm attracted to him as a whole person.