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AIBU?

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Original poster

Could you be with someone you’re not attracted to?

85 replies

IcedCoffeePlease89 · 26/04/2023 08:12

So I briefly dated someone about a year ago, we got on so well but physically I really struggled to find them attractive (I’m not being shallow, they aren’t bad looking at all, just not my type) so we stayed really close friends instead (talking daily, seeing each other regularly).

They had been a bit off with me recently and when I confronted them about it they admitted how they really felt about me all this time - that they had actually been in love with me for a while now but they were worried about telling me.

We do genuinely get on so well, we constantly have a laugh and we’re also able to really open up with each other too which is important for us both because we’ve had hard lives. They are genuinely a lovely person, very caring and I know that they would do absolutely anything for me and never hurt me - not intentionally/on purpose anyway -and if it was just based on personality it could probably be a fantastic relationship, but I’m just not physically attracted to them which has been a huge barrier for me.

Could you date someone you wasn’t attracted to if their personality was brilliant and you know they have been really good to you in terms of treating you right etc or is this just me being a bit of a twat basically?!

OP posts:
Blamunge · 26/04/2023 12:02

If you enjoy the close friendship then you’re going to have to decide whether you want to compromise on him not being attractive and develop a relationship, or let him go. Because if he’s not in a relationship with you, he’s going to be in a relationship with someone else, and she isn’t going to let him talk to you every day or see you regularly.

Capitulatingpanda · 26/04/2023 12:07

No I couldn't. My ex wouldn't have appealed looks wise to the majority but I was massively attracted to him and we had great chemistry. I think that's essential.

EightChalk · 26/04/2023 12:22

Newgolddream70 · 26/04/2023 11:02

I'm following with interest as I'm in the midst of this dilemma. I'm perimenopausal though with next to zero libido and very irritable so I can't work out if it's him, me or both!

I am confused though as like your friend OP, my BF is kind, loyal and trustworthy and I feel safe with him but I don't look at him and want to rip his clothes off and that makes me feel very sad. My exH was an arse but I was totally in love with him and he could've gained 20 stone and lost all his hair, I would still have been besotted with him.

I'm thinking the chemistry is either there or it isn't but I'm trying to look at the pros and cons of the relationship I'm in.

As you have not taken that step, I would say don't do it. Have you thought about how you would feel if he met someone else? Would you be devastated?

I think your middle paragraph sums it up really well (about the two different guys). I suppose the ideal is the man you'd still fancy if he lost all his hair, gained a lot of weight, etc., but who ISN'T an arse. You need both physical and emotional compatibility for a relationship to be successful in the longer term, and while the new relationship hormones might mean an active physical relationship for the first year or so, that will drop off FAST if you don't truly fancy him.

MissSmiley · 26/04/2023 12:44

I married a man I wasn't hugely physically attracted to, he is really intelligent and incredibly funny, what attracted me was our shared interests and his personality, we were married for twenty years and had a lot of sex but he was never phwoar to me. He's a great father and loyal. Divorced now and very amicable.

Whydoievenbother · 26/04/2023 12:47

No. Sometimes I 'fantasise' about my ex as he was so nice and would have been an amazing husband and father. But just no. He did nothing for me after awhile, and looking back I'm just ick

Irisandillies · 26/04/2023 13:03

No, and I have no idea why some posters are referring to the person as him. The op has kept the gender neutral. So it could be a man posting about a woman, or another man, a woman posting about a man, or another woman, or anything else.

it’s not 1950

MrLbz · 26/04/2023 13:42

I can't see any reason to date someone you aren't attracted to, unless you can't find someone who you are attracted to and are desperate to be in a relationship.

Thats not going to turn out well.

Original poster
IcedCoffeePlease89 · 26/04/2023 15:19

Thank you for all of your responses - I have kept the gender neutral to not be outing and also I don’t know if it would affect the answers etc. I just see it as I’ve gone for people that I found very attractive before in the past and they’ve treated me pretty horrifically and as I’m getting older now, I guess I’m just questioning whether I actually go for personality instead of looks for once and stick with it because I know I’ll be treated right and kindly… but then obviously there is the dilemma of not feeling that spark and if my head would be turned by someone else later on down the line (I would never cheat though)

OP posts:
MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 26/04/2023 15:29

I’d be so pissed off if I found out that someone decided to give things a go with me even though they didn’t find me attractive.

Reminds me of The Devil Wears Prada where Miranda is explaining why she hired Andi

‘I always hire the same girl- stylish, slender, of course... worships the magazine. But so often, they turn out to be- I don't know- disappointing and, um... stupid.
I thought you would be different. I said to myself, go ahead. Take a chance. Hire the smart, fat girl. I had hope. My God. I live on it. Anyway, you ended up disappointing me’

EightChalk · 26/04/2023 15:36

IcedCoffeePlease89 · 26/04/2023 15:19

Thank you for all of your responses - I have kept the gender neutral to not be outing and also I don’t know if it would affect the answers etc. I just see it as I’ve gone for people that I found very attractive before in the past and they’ve treated me pretty horrifically and as I’m getting older now, I guess I’m just questioning whether I actually go for personality instead of looks for once and stick with it because I know I’ll be treated right and kindly… but then obviously there is the dilemma of not feeling that spark and if my head would be turned by someone else later on down the line (I would never cheat though)

I don't think wanting to go for someone you find attractive is "going for looks" though, unless you only find movie star good-looking people attractive. It's not shallow or wrong to want to be physically attracted to the person you're going to have a physical relationship with - I'd say it was a prerequisite, just as you would want to be emotionally compatible with someone you're having an emotional relationship with. (Also, people who are less conventionally attractive can be horrible partners too!) Do you fancy the person at all? Do you ever look at them and think "phwoar" or equivalent? If there is NO spark there, it's not fair on either of you to try to force it imo.

Naimee87 · 26/04/2023 15:40

I was in a similar situation. I became really good friends with my neighbour, we did a few little trips together, walks with our dogs, he was great with my DS, usually had drinks on weekends etc. We were really close friends then he admitted having feelings for me. I actually thought great he is such a catch. Finally someone decent has come along, we always had such a laugh together, similar views and outlook on life. But even after all that and spending a lot of time with him no feelings or attraction from my side ever developed. It became clear that i really need a spark or something to draw me in. Its a shame because even though we said we would remain friends we havent really, we are still friendly but i left contact up to him and its been a few months now since ive heard anything. I think whats quite telling is even now i really would be happy if he were to meet someone else so i did the right thing. If you feel that way about this person then i think you clearly dont have any type of romantic feelings for them. I guess best as well to be upfront with him i think if you cant see him being more than a friend best to let him know rather than giving him any false hopes...

Spottycarousel · 26/04/2023 15:41

No. I persevered for a whole year with someone I didn't fancy but in the end I got the ick so bad that I had to call the whole thing off. Now I would never get into a relationship with someone I didn't find attractive no matter how well we got on. If you don't fancy them you're just friends.

shutthewindownow · 26/04/2023 15:47

Not fair to him is it ? He will want sex and you won't. Let him find someone who wants him

Nachobowls · 26/04/2023 15:49

No I need to be attracted to someone to date them

Tabby87 · 26/04/2023 15:54

I would view them as a good friend.

Always4Brenner · 26/04/2023 15:55

Did it with first husband never again.

Tabby87 · 26/04/2023 15:56

I don't think it's about looks but chemistry.

I've gone on dates with a few attractive men I just didn't feel it for.

LuckyStone · 26/04/2023 16:06

Nope. Not settling. Attraction is a huge part of being in a relationship, otherwise its called friendship.

yoga4meinthemorning · 26/04/2023 16:11

That's what a friend is. Someone you like but don't fancy.

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 26/04/2023 16:30

Don't do it! I was in a relationship with and- briefly- lived with a guy I didn't fancy at all. He was lovely and funny and a great bloke but he made me cringe when he touched me and it was awful. In the end I would have to get pissed to sleep with him, which was horrible. And he really fancied me, which made it even worse. It was sad and I ended up breaking his heart. I repeat: don't do it.

bookworm44 · 26/04/2023 16:35

Naunet · 26/04/2023 09:04

So you want op to force herself to have a sexual relationship with a man she isn’t attracted to because he wants her to? And if it doesn’t go well, and she can’t do it, he gets his heart broken? Yeah, sounds like harm all round to me.

Show quote history

Why assume it's a man?

Mistressofnone · 26/04/2023 16:48

I wouldn't recommend this. You'll have a great friendship but the ick factor will come in and ruin it. At least if attraction is there in the first place, you will have moments down the line that remind you of that, even after seeing all their downsides.

bookworm44 · 26/04/2023 16:52

How can you even contemplate a physical relationship with someone you're not attracted to? To even kiss a person you don't fancy would not be nice, let alone anything else.

BounceyB · 26/04/2023 17:03

EightChalk · 26/04/2023 15:36

I don't think wanting to go for someone you find attractive is "going for looks" though, unless you only find movie star good-looking people attractive. It's not shallow or wrong to want to be physically attracted to the person you're going to have a physical relationship with - I'd say it was a prerequisite, just as you would want to be emotionally compatible with someone you're having an emotional relationship with. (Also, people who are less conventionally attractive can be horrible partners too!) Do you fancy the person at all? Do you ever look at them and think "phwoar" or equivalent? If there is NO spark there, it's not fair on either of you to try to force it imo.

Show quote history

I find true love a really weird thing.

The best relationship I ever had didn't start off as a sexual one and I wasn't really attracted to him initially. It was something that grew over time. We had kids together too. He's still a good friend but the relationship broke down because he had issues that were just too hard to overcome.

Conversely, the worst relationship I had was with someone where the chemistry was so strong I was blinded to all the flaws. He was really wrong for me.

It's a balancing act. I think if you could see that he might have long term potential then I would give it a go.

Carsarelife · 26/04/2023 17:10

Never. Attraction is a big part of it unfortunately. I'd hate to be with someone if I thought they didn't fancy me too

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