To want 10 minutes to shower alone?

[IsntItTimeForDuggee]

I’m a SAHM to a 2 year old who is very attached to me, wants to be sat on me or be held by me all of the time, won’t do anything without holding my hand, “mama mama mama” all day, always following me around etc and she also still co-sleeps, working hard to stop this but to summarise we are together constantly, she is touching me all day long.

I have a shower every night before her bath and it’s the only time I get to myself all day, all I ask is that DH keeps her entertained whilst I shower and get dry and he keeps her out the bathroom and bedroom but every. single. night she appears in the bathroom at the shower door “ mama mama mama” and DH says he can’t keep her away. Then she’s stood in the bedroom pulling at me whilst I’m trying to get dry. She cries if DH carries her away. If I lock the bathroom my shower is spent with her banging on the door screaming.

All I ask is that he keeps the living room door shut for 10-15 minutes in the evening whilst I get washed. He says I’m being dramatic and she just loves her mum. Every night ends up in a back and forth where I say I just want my 10 minutes alone and he says can’t I just have her in there because otherwise she cries.

I can’t shower after she goes to bed as if I leave the bed she wakes up and cries until I come out (recently I had to go out for 3 hours and she cried the whole time until I came back)

AIBU?

This is a great idea

My ex husband was like this. I used to shower in the morning and put DC in the bottom of the shower tray with a few toys. Not ideal but at least I got a shower. We used to make a game of getting ready.

You should be able to have some time though. I remember being exhausted and saying 2-3pm Saturdays I would be napping. Without fail he'd let DC into the room or come in wringing his hands and saying, "I think they've done a poo."

Your DH needs to step up unless he wants to be married to a burnt out husk or not married at all.

Thank you this is helpful and I will suggest this to DH

Aw op it’s such a tough situation to be in. Your partner does of course need to step up more, but some kids are just higher needs than others aswell. It sounds like you are doing a great job but understandably are burnt out. You should be able to shower in peace!!!! This won’t last forever despite how it feels now!

We did have one but she hated it so I mainly used a sling, she would thrash around screaming in it so only used it when needed, once she turned 1 and started walking everywhere I never took it out so I got rid and now just put her on my back when she’s too tired to walk anymore. She just loves walking everywhere but I could get a stroller to try out naps in, that’s a good idea

Thank you - it does feel never ending and I do spend most evenings feeling touched out and ready to cry. If I could just have a shower and have that time to decompress I’d feel much better but I have had lots of helpful advice this evening to try out so hopefully things will improve

I would start going for a walk or drive for a good hour.

Take a thermal cup and take some space.

Your child sounds suffocating and your husband is very selfish to not be willing to do this.

You need tonpush back firmly and now leave him for a LOT longer than 10 minutes.

Thank you, I’m not sure if it’s autism she’s suspected of having, everyone has been quite vague with it but I’m aware she isn’t like any other children her age that I’ve met and I wasn’t sure if the clingyness could be linked.

She has a lot of sensory issues and also has no speech but she’s on the waiting list for help with that.

Ah, maybe just try a cheap second hand one (or sometimes you see them being given away on Facebook groups for free) in case she still isn't a fan but it might be worth a go.

It does sound difficult. Hard to advise when there's possible additional needs in the mix but I really hope you find something that gives you a bit of a break. The fact you say she cried until 3am at your parent in laws and then woke again at 6am tells me she has serious stamina and isn't a child you could easily sleep train.

Do you have a second bathroom? My husband sometimes pops our son in a shallow bath with toys if he's having a hard time entertaining him, usually he gets in the bath himself with him. That's distracting and passes a bit of time. Or else he could take her out in to the garden? Do you have a slide or sandpit that she likes to play with? There's loads of different tactics he could try to pass 10 minutes while you shower.

You and your child seem to have a fantastic attachment but you do seem very touched out which is totally understandable!

It can be exhausting having another human permanently attached to you day and night but remember this time will not come again. Think back to a time last year or newborn and remember she will never be that old again, soon she'll be grown up, parenting isn't just 6am-7pm and you are doing amazing.

The crying with separation can be part of her emotional development age and how much she trusts you to always support her. Keep talking to her, tell her how excited you are to hear what she's been up to with daddy. Ask her what she's looking forward to doing with daddy and prepare her for tomorrow's separation.

Then, leave. Go out... and have a spa/evening swim and leave your DH to parent whilst you shower in peace.

Do it every week at least. He has to believe in himself as a father but he seems to just be feigning incompetence when it comes to parenting without you, could start with giving him direction but this could undermine his confidence.

You have the right to time by yourself every single day. You do not have to sacrifice yourself for your family and your child does not have to sacrifice her bond with you for your space too.

Crying it out is damaging for any child, especially newborns. There is evidence based research for this.

I missed some of your posts.

You sound amazing.

I don't know how you have not gone quite mad from this.

You need to mind yourself.

It is unbelievably selfish that after a long day he cannot be arsed to letvyou have a shower in peace.

Really selfish.

Please start looking after yourself.

Let her cry.

Get out of the house for a break.

I think you need to go out more and leave husband to look after your child. It sounds incredibly intense. Obviously a 10 min shower alone shouldn't be a big ask.... But it is in your current situation.

Fortunately I never had this. It would do my nut. I wouldn't put up with it. I'd put dd into childcare, a gym crèche, anything.

I think you've built a rod for your own back. You have all the answers for why you haven't done things/stopped things, to every poster who has asked : 'it hasn't worked out'. Well, you are going to need to do it at some point!

Absolutely this ^
all these details about locks, cosleeping, nursery etc don’t matter. The main line is that you are busy with your DD the whole day and asking your DH to keep her entertained just for 10 minutes while you are showering and he doesn’t want to do this!!!! Because the plain truth is that - he doesn’t want to make an effort and spend just 10 minutes playing with his own child.

Fortunately I never had this. It would do my nut. I wouldn't put up with it. I'd put dd into childcare, a gym crèche, anything.

If you have a child with additional bedds sometimes you just don't get a choice though, it's not putting up with it, it's not the child being pushy etc. It's just the situation as it is and you cope and do what you can.

Oh sorry i didnt see the additional needs bit. My son is actually autistic and has only been cared for by me and DH so I do get it. You will really need him to be able to have her and I think the longer you leave this without them establishing a trusting relationship the more difficult it will become. Have you thought about a nursery setting part time?

I have a question…if she screams while your gone from her will it matter that she’s in a different room while you are in the shower vs her screaming at the locked bathroom door?

I t sounds hard all around. But yeah, I agree with others that regardless of her additional needs you both are going to have to introduce some separation. That’s just not sustainable for any of you.

I know she’s going to cry either way and it sounds selfish but if he shuts the living room door, I would be able to shower alone and I wouldn’t be able to hear her and it’s just that 10 minutes to be by myself that I need compared to if she outside the bathroom door banging on it and screaming

She was in nursery but didn’t settle and really struggled there, she gets overwhelmed very easily in busy and noisy places and they suggested she might have additional needs and might be better off elsewhere so I pulled her out.

She is on the waiting list for another nursery that is specifically for children with additional needs or suspected additional needs but I think it’s going to be a long wait

Thank you

Thank you. I just wanted a moan about DH but have come away feeling like I’ve done something wrong with raising DD/created this problem myself and feeling quite rubbish now but I’ve had loads of advice on what to try and I’ll be talking to DH more firmly about doing better

I agree with everyone else. Your dh needs to do some parenting.

He cannot give you ten minutes? Go out as soon as he gets home from work until you're ready for bed. Friends house, coffee shop, night class.

any complaints from your selfish husband will of course be met with why is he being so dramatic.

I think you need to ditch the guilt. Remind yourself you are not being unreasonable, you need this time to be a good parent for the other 23hrs and 50mins of the day so it is for her benefit too, and that she is loved, fed, and warm. Children cry sometimes, no matter how good a parent you are, and that's OK if they are otherwise safe and cared for. They aren't always going to get what they want, and aren't best placed to judge what is in their best interests or how their wants stack up against others' needs. You have to balance the family's needs as a whole and assess what is in your DD's long term interests (which is not being unable to cope when you leave the room for 10 mins despite being with her other parent). She is going to cry initially whilst she adjusts to you not being present for short periods, but she'll come round once she realises that the crying isn't going to get her what she wants but that you will return when you say you will.
If your DH won't keep her away from the bathroom, I would still lock her out and carry on with your shower. Yes, it will be anything but relaxing at first (and possibly upsetting to listen to), but if you keep caving and opening the door, neither DD nor DH will change their behaviour. I think the gym idea is a good one, because I know how hard listening to that cry is, plus it forces your DH to step up as he can't feebly palm her back off to you at the first sign of tears. I would go out nightly at first, for consistency, then you could drop it to alternating gym and home shower once the separation anxiety has calmed a bit and DH is feeling more capable (I know I wouldn't want to be schlepping out every night after a long day, and would prefer to shower at home given the choice). I'm not surprised a sleepover with GPs was a disaster, as it is a huge length of time to be apart when the DC can't yet manage a short separation, but an hour is do-able.

Your problem is lazy pos 'partner.'
His issue is that he can't be fucked keeping your dd away from you because he'll have to parent her. Is this how you want to live?