To want 10 minutes to shower alone?

[IsntItTimeForDuggee]

I’m a SAHM to a 2 year old who is very attached to me, wants to be sat on me or be held by me all of the time, won’t do anything without holding my hand, “mama mama mama” all day, always following me around etc and she also still co-sleeps, working hard to stop this but to summarise we are together constantly, she is touching me all day long.

I have a shower every night before her bath and it’s the only time I get to myself all day, all I ask is that DH keeps her entertained whilst I shower and get dry and he keeps her out the bathroom and bedroom but every. single. night she appears in the bathroom at the shower door “ mama mama mama” and DH says he can’t keep her away. Then she’s stood in the bedroom pulling at me whilst I’m trying to get dry. She cries if DH carries her away. If I lock the bathroom my shower is spent with her banging on the door screaming.

All I ask is that he keeps the living room door shut for 10-15 minutes in the evening whilst I get washed. He says I’m being dramatic and she just loves her mum. Every night ends up in a back and forth where I say I just want my 10 minutes alone and he says can’t I just have her in there because otherwise she cries.

I can’t shower after she goes to bed as if I leave the bed she wakes up and cries until I come out (recently I had to go out for 3 hours and she cried the whole time until I came back)

AIBU?

Your husband is just being lazy and is using the 'she just loves you and want to be with you' card because it's easier than dealing with her asking if you. Don't put up with it.

You need some time to yourself (more than 10 minute shower a day - I know what it's like my ex was the same looking after the kids).

It might be difficult but your daughter needs to feel comfortable enough to be with her dad too. What if something happened to you and you couldn't be at home for a few days? Would be a nightmare.

@IsntItTimeForDuggee

Well pf course she's going to be upset at first but you need to just keep doing it.

It will get better.

Can he just take her out on his own build it up so you stay home and he's out. It sounds exhausting do you go to toddlers,playgroups what .is she like there.?

I’m already getting help from the health visitor, speech and language therapist and a paediatrician. She had suspected additional needs and also has no speech apart from mama, I’m getting lots of help and aware the situation is not ideal.

I don’t own a pram and she struggles walking long distances so always use a carrier on my back when she’s tired, I didn’t think that was unusual for a toddler.

I agree that the Co sleeping and contact naps need to stop, I am working hard with that

We meet up with friends with the same age toddlers every day and go to classes every day and to the park, soft play etc, I’m working really hard to get her to play independently and she’s around children her own age every day but she is easily overwhelmed and gets very upset in loud or busy places so it’s quite tricky

He probably doesn't want to upset her either so it's easier for him to say oh she just wants mama
,if he takes her out she will learn its a part of her routine and its fun and a special treat with her dad..

@IsntItTimeForDuggee

Ah, op you're doing your best.

Your oh needs a kick up the arse.

Is he always so selfish?

Get her 1 of those push along trikes so she doesn't need to walk far they come with a harness strap so she is safe.

Unfortunately it is pretty much constant all day, even at groups she wants to hold my hand or sit on me or if she does play she has to be touching me

.

This sounds incredibly difficult 2 years in....my son was like this for the first 4 or 5 months but once I was able to put him down for naps it was a complete game changer. He's 18 months old now and takes a 2-3 hour nap every afternoon and I don't know how I'd cope without that break.

Your husband is being very inconsiderate and useless but as a totally separate issue I'd work on independent sleep, it will make your life so so much easier.

Yes I think he just doesn’t want to upset her and doesn’t want to deal with her screaming but it’s what I have to do when I need the toilet or to make food etc

I know he really struggles with things as she just has no interest in him, doesn’t want to play with him and feels rejected so it would be lovely if she could happily spend time with him

For any toddler with such a strong attachment it is hard going on the focus, usually mum but not always. DH & wider family are going to need to start to step up much more, you cannot continue like this 24/7. Ive found in similar circumstances that going really slowly & gently is best in long term - start with you going for a walk for 10 mins even while dad is in charge, she needs to learn that you are coming back & it just takes time & lots of patience! Gradually build it up, I've had a couple of wee ones who've needed to build up over 2-3 months but eventually managing 1 hour after a month then gradually a full morning etc. She needs to essentially learn that your DH will fulfil her needs & form a bond with him as well, once she knows she will be fed, cuddled, able to sleep. Being able to leave her for short periods with family members as well. It's unreaslistc to expect her to go cold turkey & leave her overnight as this will just traumatised her & make it more difficult long term.
For the co sleeping if this works for you then great, lots of families do it successfully & seems a separate issue from the daytime issues.
Could you have a family sit down with DH & anyone else DPs to get them on board with a plan ?

Idea of having special toys which only daddy play with is good. He's going to need to learn to cope with her & start enjoying parenting instead of just passing back to you.

Not in other areas. He pulls his weight with chores and we do an equal share of cooking etc. it’s just when it comes to DD, he tries hard at the weekends to play with her but she just has no interest.

And not giving me 10 minutes to shower in the evening, presumably because he doesn’t want to deal with the crying but I think it’s really unfair on me when I’ve dealt with it all day!

I have tried before going out at the weekends for example to the hairdressers or to see friends but she will cry shouting “mama” the whole time I’m gone and I just feel guilty.

Well, of course she does - you can hardly expect her to ‘get it’ the first time you do it.

Keep doing it. Keep getting her used to it.

You’re not doing her any favours.

She’s going to have to go to school at some point.

We all have to deal with guilt, that’s nothing special or unique to you and your daughter’s bond.

But we also have to get over ourselves, and do what’s for the greater good.

OP please dont think your doing anything wrong and do know this will pass. Your DH needs to step up and become as much wanted as mama, be the fun dad at bed time if thats when you need to shower. A 2 year old is still a baby and perfectly normal to be wlaking in sling/co sleeping/ breastfeeding whatever at that age, my older two had all that and are the most well attached and well behaved kids ever. She will find it hard if you are there as she doesnt understand your need for peace - which I would imagine is longer than 10 mins to be fair - so it is DH who needs to improve, a new fun time when you get your down time, also make it not your fault - Mummy has to work/do the garden/fetch the whatever, small steps where its not a rejection of her but normal life to be done. DH should be supporting you in getting your time you need by being more fun/bedtime storyey or whatever.

Could you have a family sit down with DH & anyone else DPs to get them on board with a plan ?

Definitely this you need to try something else.

@IsntItTimeForDuggee

Of course its unfair.

The disrespect in not giving you the time you need because he doesn't want to do it should be making you more angry.

Thank you, this is very helpful advice. I’ll talk to DH this eve

I don’t own a pram and she struggles walking long distances so always use a carrier on my back when she’s tired, I didn’t think that was unusual for a toddler.

Curious about this, I don't know anyone with a toddler who doesn't own a pram or buggy of some sort. Does she just not tolerate it or did you never feel the need to get one?
If she could asleep in the buggy when you're out walking then you could just park it up and let her sleep away when you get home. I used to do this when my son was very young and would only contact or pram nap.

The OP is highly unlikely to do that if she feels she can't even have a shower🙄

I voted YABU for allowing your daughter and your DC to play you like this.

Errr, no. That's not it. It's a DH problem, as usual!

Op my little fella was the exact same at that age....it was really really hard. But I stuck with him because that's what he needed at the time.
He is indeed now and it does get easier but at ten I'm currently in his bed whilst he plays and he is ten. He is autistic and really struggles on his own.
However, that being said, your dh is really just being lazy, he needs to even bring her in a drive to the shop or anything and if she cries he needs to deal with it. Ignore orheres saying things like "rod for your own back" you know what your child needs better than any one.

Your DH is doing that classic thing where he thinks not letting her cry is a good thing for her. In little steps children need to develop independently and be able to separate from parents - he is stopping this

Be strong - she will not burst into flames if left to cry for a short time, he needs to step up and let her have a separate time from mum and some time with him

We had similar when ds was the same age. I was touched out. Attachment parenting a Velcro baby!

Just to give you hope, he’s just left home and is a lovely, caring, strong and independent person!