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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want 10 minutes to shower alone?

104 replies

IsntItTimeForDuggee · 25/04/2023 19:58

I’m a SAHM to a 2 year old who is very attached to me, wants to be sat on me or be held by me all of the time, won’t do anything without holding my hand, “mama mama mama” all day, always following me around etc and she also still co-sleeps, working hard to stop this but to summarise we are together constantly, she is touching me all day long.

I have a shower every night before her bath and it’s the only time I get to myself all day, all I ask is that DH keeps her entertained whilst I shower and get dry and he keeps her out the bathroom and bedroom but every. single. night she appears in the bathroom at the shower door “ mama mama mama” and DH says he can’t keep her away. Then she’s stood in the bedroom pulling at me whilst I’m trying to get dry. She cries if DH carries her away. If I lock the bathroom my shower is spent with her banging on the door screaming.

All I ask is that he keeps the living room door shut for 10-15 minutes in the evening whilst I get washed. He says I’m being dramatic and she just loves her mum. Every night ends up in a back and forth where I say I just want my 10 minutes alone and he says can’t I just have her in there because otherwise she cries.

I can’t shower after she goes to bed as if I leave the bed she wakes up and cries until I come out (recently I had to go out for 3 hours and she cried the whole time until I came back)

AIBU?

OP posts:
fiftyandfat · 25/04/2023 20:17

Your husband is lazy and selfish.
I am sorry that he cares so little for you and his daughter.

Mrsjayy · 25/04/2023 20:18

If she has additional needs your dh has to learn to take care of her for a short period of time. The lights are lighter he could stick her coat on and go for a walk before her bath it's his responsibility to help out instead of opting out.

hairdresserbreakup · 25/04/2023 20:18

Botw1 · 25/04/2023 20:12

@tonyhawks23

That isn't a secure or good attachment

This is what I was going to say. Good, secure attachment doesn't look like this situation.

OP - I'm sorry this sounds really tough. Can you speak to your DH in much plainer terms? Be very explicit about what you need. Don't ask tell - "I need you to keep DD occupied for 20 minutes while I shower, dry and get dressed. This is very important to me and without this uninterrupted time I am struggling mentally and emotionally. I need you to support me even though it's difficult for you and even though DD gets upset."

Botw1 · 25/04/2023 20:18

@IsntItTimeForDuggee

Your oh is a prick.

He's part if the reason she is behaving like this.

If he can't parent her alone then what's the point of him?

You need to stop coming out though.

He needs to learn that he can't use her to manipulate you like that

Mrsjayy · 25/04/2023 20:18

Nights are lighter*

tonyhawks23 · 25/04/2023 20:18

She's not wanting her mother all the time,she wants her at bedtime when she's most tired,if anything change the shower time?

Original poster
IsntItTimeForDuggee · 25/04/2023 20:19

shivawn · 25/04/2023 20:16

Do you get a break if she naps during the day or do you have to lie down with her for her naps too?

She usually naps on me at home or in the sling so although I get some peace and quiet, I’m still usually being touched.

Some days I manage to roll away without waking her though and do get half an hour to myself

OP posts:
Mañanarama · 25/04/2023 20:19

Like so many others have said, you need her to get used to being with her dad. Go for a walk, sit in the garden, have a meal out with friends etc. Actually, could your husband just take her for a quick walk while you shower?

Mrsjayy · 25/04/2023 20:21

tonyhawks23 · 25/04/2023 20:18

She's not wanting her mother all the time,she wants her at bedtime when she's most tired,if anything change the shower time?

But it probably wouldn't matter she may still cry for her.

reaty · 25/04/2023 20:21

Sounds suffocating. Start going for a walk every evening

Excited101 · 25/04/2023 20:22

I agree with pp, start going out, regularly. Start it for just short time then build it up, she will get used to it, I promise. This level of attachment isn’t healthy for any of you.

Mrsjayy · 25/04/2023 20:23

Why doesn't dad do bedtime are you still BF?

Thehonestybox · 25/04/2023 20:23

You're husband sounds so lazy! I'm so sorry you have been let down like that.

Start a gym membership and shower there. That way you get an hour to yourself and won't hear any banging at all.

StripyHorse · 25/04/2023 20:24

YANBU - your DH needs to distract her.

But - can you also start taking additional bits of time for yourself, leaving DH and DD alone? I don't mean a mini break away (although that might be wonderful 😉) but rather a 15 minute walk, pop to a friend's for a coffee etc.

Do you currently go to bed the same time as DD? Can you try and wean her off you being there 100% of the time? With DCs who fed to sleep we gradually got them self settling.... putting them down and sitting near them / then in the room but further / then on the landing etc. Although it felt like a long process, doing it in baby steps stopped them being distressed. That way you can reclaim some evenings. Having some breathing space will benefit your DC as well as yourself.

mainsfed · 25/04/2023 20:25

IsntItTimeForDuggee · 25/04/2023 20:14

If I shut the bathroom door DH just opens it to let her in, if I lock it the entire shower will be with her screaming and banging on the door which is really unpleasant for me, I’d rather he just listen to me and keep her in the living room distracted

Show quote history

Your h is being a knob. Does he realise just how bad it is for you?

Disneyblueeyes · 25/04/2023 20:25

Oh wow. I would not cope with this.
My DD (3) always wants me to brush her teeth and read her a story at bedtime, things like that, but I can still leave her alone with my DH no problem.

You need your own space sometimes. You are going to go insane.

Your DD is used to you always being there. Start taking yourself away and she'll get used to it.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/04/2023 20:26

Your husband is selfish, lazy and rude, why can he not actively parent his own daughter for 10 mins?
He should be embarrassed, what a pathetic husband and father.

I would be tempted to scream and cry, bang on the door when he is in there Every time he is in there and see how he fucking likes it.

I'm so annoyed on your behalf.

Mrsjayy · 25/04/2023 20:26

tonyhawks23 · 25/04/2023 20:14

It is certainly a good attachment that a 2 year old wants her mother.thats normal.

She also has another parent her mother's well being is important as well 10/15 minutes isn't a huge ask/want/need.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 25/04/2023 20:27

tonyhawks23 · 25/04/2023 20:18

She's not wanting her mother all the time,she wants her at bedtime when she's most tired,if anything change the shower time?

She does want her mother all of the time, read the OP.

It’s not a secure, good attachment. It’s the opposite of a secure, good attachment and this OP is exhausted with it so stop trying to make out like this is the way things usually are with 2 year olds.

SwapTheYforaD · 25/04/2023 20:28

If DH isn't sure of how to distract her from the fact you're not there and he honestly thinks he's doing his best then perhaps you do need to help him a bit by suggesting potential distraction techniques eg go for a walk. Go for a drive if he has to. Turn the telly on or whatever. Bring some yummy snacks out. Just something to break the cycle even if it's not an activity you guys would want in the long term. She's obviously clocked what's happening and knows she can just go to the bathroom to see you. Distraction is key.

I can sympathise with the clingy 2yo though. Mine is constantly wanting to be with me too.

Original poster
IsntItTimeForDuggee · 25/04/2023 20:28

SchoolQuestionnaire · 25/04/2023 20:01

Dh is a twat. You need to go out more
and leave him to it so he has to deal with it. Could you go to the gym or a relatives house to shower? Don’t tell him, just go.

I have tried before going out at the weekends for example to the hairdressers or to see friends but she will cry shouting “mama” the whole time I’m gone and I just feel guilty.

She had an overnight at my in laws recently to see if a night apart would help and she cried for me and didn’t sleep until 3am apparently and woke up at 6 and carried on asking for me and crying.

OP posts:
Oatsamazing · 25/04/2023 20:28

I think your DH needs to be more engaging, obviously he should be able to do this without your help but perhaps you could some new toys that he will be excited about. My partner particularly enjoys building Duplo blocks with our DD and she loves it too now. We got a load second hand really cheap. Or perhaps you could have toys your DD only gets to play with when she's with DH?
My partner can be a bit lazy and my showers often get disturbed or I come out and find he's put the TV on for DD. It's so frustrating.

Botw1 · 25/04/2023 20:29

@tonyhawks23

Wanting your mum but being able to entertain yourself and be cared for by other care givers is a secure attachment

The op can't be apart from her for 10 min!

That's not ok.

@IsntItTimeForDuggee

You sound like you're still treating her like a baby, contact naps, slings, Co sleeping

You need to start promoting independence and treating her like a toddler.

Speak to your hv for advice

newtowelsplease · 25/04/2023 20:30

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 25/04/2023 20:02

Fucking hell your husband needs to bloody step up and sort it.

This. Is he useless generally or just when it comes to parenting?

Original poster
IsntItTimeForDuggee · 25/04/2023 20:30

I will definitely suggest DH takes her out the house instead and maybe start showering whilst she has her dinner and is distracted.

I will also do the telling him and not asking him

OP posts: