To not virtually attend this wedding...

[DilemmaADay]

Me and DH received an invitation for a wedding of a old but distant friend. The invite is to attend the Wedding over zoom, midweek with a twee poem about how they'd love to have us there but due to space/money our presence virtually is appreciated. Of course there was a line about a gift list as well.

We've RSVPed with thanks, but no thanks. Friend seems genuinely confused as to why we don't want to book a day off work and buy a present for a wedding we've not even been invited to in person. So basically, "use your annual leave and spend money on me but you won't get the meal, drinks, celebration or party that comes with it"

From our mutual friends, 4 got a day invite, another 1 got the zoom invite so can't be that short. The other zoom person is also offended.

Online funeral services are already a thing.
They were, obviously, a lot more commonly used during covid restrictions.
but they’ve been offered before and since covid. They can be useful for family who live abroad or at a great distance, are unable to travel, are committed to be in work and can’t get the full day (but can be given an hour or two), are recovering from medical treatment, etc. I found the covid Ines very difficult, though can see where they may be useful.

I don’t think there is anything wrong having your wedding broadcast online for some guests but I don’t think it should be how you invite someone! I can see it’s usefulness for guests who want to attend but can’t (similar reasons as to above for example) and have asked if there is a way to see it. But not being given an online/virtual invitation only - and expecting a gift, etc!

I'm afraid it would be piss off with a capital P from me 🤣

I've watched a wedding on-line during COVID, when they were in the 'just 15 people' phase.
It was nice to be able to see the wedding as no-one was able to go, but even in those circumstances it wasn't sent as an invitation. It was the poor couple apologising that no-one was able to go and just letting people know that if anyone wanted to watch it, they would be zooming or facebook Living or whatever it was, and to let them know if anyone wanted the link.
It was also on a Saturday.

Of course YANBU to decline the invitation. It isn't an invitation at all, is it?

I think anyone holding their wedding during the typical working week will always have to expect that some people won't be able to go, and that's when people are actually invited to something. 'Watching remotely' doesn't really cut it whatever day of the week or time of day it is.

As long as they too buy a present they'll be fine 😂

Yes, this made me think about that too! He was wheeling about all over the place, made to look for things in high cupboards etc. You could have some fun by suggesting this, OP.

unless professionally done, streamed events are a rubbish. I watched part of my niece’s wedding (during my lunch break!) and they just had a mate doing it on a wobbly camera. Just awful.

This was when travel restrictions were still in place in the UK but not where the wedding was being held. I had a proper invite just couldn’t go so very different situation.

Is funny, I have a different take to most people. I'd quite like to watch someone get married online. There's a bunch of people you are not so intimate with that you wouldn't want to travel the country/ dress up/ give up your whole day for.... but that you genuinely care for, wish them well, and are happy to share in their happiness a little.

Also I'm terribly antisocial- being able to see the actual meaningful bit, without leaving my house, and drop off for all the yawn-worthy socialising would suit me down to the ground.

And am I terribly naive to think presents are meant to give the receiver a feeling of pleasure and that you care...not be a contractual swap for dinner and cake? If I'm saving all the expense of going, makes buying a present easier! (Though agree it shouldn't be expected!)

Agree zoom presence at party part is ridiculous, unless you are wizzing round Phil style.

Omg that's batshit.

The only time I would ever have entertained doing this would be if it was a couple who married during Covid and had to slash their guest list to 30 people.

Inviting people to attend a wedding remotely is OK. I might be interested to watch weddings of eg friends' children

And bridge & groom may feel closer to the other friends, so it's OK that they invited them but not you (although I can understand why you might be disappointed to realise that)

Asking you to send a gift is really cheeky

Being given the option to watch a wedding ceremony remotely is fine if you are in a different country or not that close to warrant an invitation but it wouldn't be something i would expect to have to RSVP to. I watched a wedding in America of someone I knew when they were a child that was streamed and then the video was available to watch later. I actually watched it afterwards due to time difference. It was nice to be able to see it.
I certainly wasn't asked to buy a present. I'm assuming this type of virtual invitation would only be the ceremony not the reception (except during lockdown as previously mentioned)

I'd assume as it's a virtual invitation, then it's also a virtual present? You can look at this canteen of cutlery* online, but you can't actually see it/ touch it/ use it.... in real life.

*I know these are no longer acceptable as wedding gifts, but I got married many moons ago 😉

Jesus fucking Christ the worlds gone mad!

Give them a virtual decline'

Tell her you cannot virtually go but say you need an address for the gift.

Get dolled up. Sit in front of laptop looking full of joy. Get someone to photograph you in your wedding gear looking at laptop. Print out photo, frame it, wrap it beautifully, attach a tag saying ‘so sorry we cannot be there virtually in person.’ Boom! Message well and truly sent.

Would that ruin her day? Does this make me a bad person to even think of it?

Oh, I don’t care, your friend is an entitled cow who doesn’t deserve to have you as a friend.