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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not virtually attend this wedding...

113 replies

DilemmaADay · 25/04/2023 17:28

Me and DH received an invitation for a wedding of a old but distant friend. The invite is to attend the Wedding over zoom, midweek with a twee poem about how they'd love to have us there but due to space/money our presence virtually is appreciated. Of course there was a line about a gift list as well.

We've RSVPed with thanks, but no thanks. Friend seems genuinely confused as to why we don't want to book a day off work and buy a present for a wedding we've not even been invited to in person. So basically, "use your annual leave and spend money on me but you won't get the meal, drinks, celebration or party that comes with it"

From our mutual friends, 4 got a day invite, another 1 got the zoom invite so can't be that short. The other zoom person is also offended.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 25/04/2023 18:54

I would attend and then put a picture of their wedding present on the screen. Something nice like a virtual meal or a virtual holiday.

What a ridiculous thing to do. Imagine all quite in the church and someone's cat sets of the mic - oh I don't like her dress, she looks tired ......

I object to this wedding because..... Nobody needs to be a 'b' class friend this side of Covid. Not very classy.

Eggseggseverywhere · 25/04/2023 18:54

Open an Aldi leaflet at a random Aisle of Shite page.. Send them a pic..
A virtual gift!
Job done

amiold · 25/04/2023 18:55

This is bizarre. What did your "friend" actually say when you declined?

Lasouthpaw · 25/04/2023 19:17

@RichardHeed I was thinking of an episode of Modern Family when Phil attends a family gathering the same way!

I think if I accepted I would ask to be wheeled around and chat to people all day. And get as many zoom guests as possible to request the same!

Talkingtomyhouseplants · 25/04/2023 19:18

I went to a live streamed wedding once…in 2020 when you were only allowed 6 guests!

Obviously it was totally fine then but I too would be offended not to be invited in person. I would rather no invite at all.

I think the only time this would be an acceptable set up is if you had relatives in another country who couldn’t travel who you knew would desperately like to see you get married

Lilbunnyfufu · 25/04/2023 19:30

2bazookas · 25/04/2023 17:40

Ultimate CFery.

I suppose the next thing will be, people get married online . Men will be able to give birth virtually, online.

Zoom funerals. anyone?

During lockdown my husband's grandad passed away and due to number a lot of the family could not attend so we watched the funeral on zoom.

Talkingtomyhouseplants · 25/04/2023 19:33

Sortyourlifeout · 25/04/2023 17:40

An ex friend, who I thought was a good friend, invited me to her wedding reception via a FB invite.

I told her I was busy. She got the hump because I didn't go.

I would rather have gone to the wedding itself rather than the reception (as I am a Christian so the wedding is the most important part, in my eyes), but I won't be going to any of it if I'm invited via FB.

Was everyone invited by Facebook though? If they just didn’t do invites I think you were a bit mean - fair enough if the VIP guests got proper invites!

EmbracingTheEyeBags · 25/04/2023 19:40

What!? You can be a virtual wedding guest? Wtf
We're not in a pandemic anymore
This is weird. I don't blame you, YANBU

Callyem · 25/04/2023 19:41

Wouldn't be offended, but sure as shit would not attend.

MissingMoominMamma · 25/04/2023 19:49

Sortyourlifeout · 25/04/2023 17:40

An ex friend, who I thought was a good friend, invited me to her wedding reception via a FB invite.

I told her I was busy. She got the hump because I didn't go.

I would rather have gone to the wedding itself rather than the reception (as I am a Christian so the wedding is the most important part, in my eyes), but I won't be going to any of it if I'm invited via FB.

Why? People create events on fb now. I’ve been invited to lots of parties via fb- the party is still the same but it’s easier to keep track of who is going and send updates, if needed.

RampantIvy · 25/04/2023 19:55

but I won't be going to any of it if I'm invited via FB.

Seriously?

CampervanKween · 25/04/2023 19:55

Thus is actually hilarious 🤣 what are people thinking nowadays?

Do you get carried around all day and popped at the end of the table so that you can chat to Uncle Bill and ask him how his steak is? That you're not invited to eat?

OMG I truly have heard it all now.

I love the idea of sending them a virtual gift 🎁

TheExchange · 25/04/2023 19:58

A virtual restaurant voucher would be a good present, it ties in nicely with the virtual wedding breakfast.

whatsthatbloodycatdonenow · 25/04/2023 19:58

Name changed for this as outing.

But I had a Zoom wedding during lockdown. Literally all conducted via Zoom including the ceremony. We had about 70 people on the call and stayed on afterwards for virtual drinks and games. It was ace! Absolutely no expectation for anyone to dress up or provide a gift but some did - there were some very elaborate hats which was odd when the wearer was sat in their living room 😁

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/04/2023 19:59

And if it was a twee poem about basically flinging cash at them for a honeymoon then that is PEAK cheeky fucker territory

I think you should respond with a kind spirit and offer to buy them their honeymoon in full. Then send them a recording of Holiday 94 in Barbados with Judith Chalmers!

For people with no shame, pay-per-view marriages are the perfect way of maximising your wedding-gift takings at very minimal cost. Just pay for one live stream, invite everybody you've ever met and then claim your present from them. It's no fun for them and nobody else will really know or care that they're watching, but they still have to stump up towards your loot haul.

I can see that this is a fantastic Plan B where people live a great distance away, or a very unwell loved one can't travel, Covid etc. - but as a main option, it's breathtakingly cheeky.

ZiriForEver · 25/04/2023 20:01

I'd love to be able to join online.
I had to miss some friends weddings due to bad timing/health issues and being able to just log in and see the ceremony live would be great.

I would go with some small gifts, just to be part of it and done

However, I'd be able to just book an hour off work and replace it later, so it won't require taking anual leave for that.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/04/2023 20:03

there were some very elaborate hats which was odd when the wearer was sat in their living room

I bet there were plenty of real-life people dressed like those old-style children's books, where the page was the height of a full-height body and divided into three - so you could have somebody dressed simultaneously as a ballerina, fireman and deep-sea diver!

How surreal must it be to be wearing your most beautiful haute couture hat on your head and nothing but your pants below your waste?!

LouLou198 · 25/04/2023 20:45

How ridiculous! They sound very entitled.

Snugglemonkey · 25/04/2023 21:09

Zoom invites are for people in other countries imho. Height of CFery.

Original poster
DilemmaADay · 25/04/2023 21:17

To answer a couple of questions;

  1. I'm not sure what was on the gift list, as I didn't bother clicking it. They did say something twee about a gift list or a contribution to the honeymoon ..
  1. This is how the conversation went with friend;
Me; Hello friend, I'm sorry me and DH will be unable to attend. It's been difficult to get leave off for DH, but I might be able to log on during lunch for an hour. Friend: Oh, that's disappointing, I thought we gave adequate notice for people to get annual leave, especially as it's for a wedding. Me: Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that in DH line if work. We've had leave requests declined months in advance, it's very first come first serve there. As I said, I'll see I can log on at lunch. I suppose as it's virtual, I can let you know closer to the time and it won't mess numbers up Friend: Okay no worries

I didn't reply but she seems a bit frosty.

OP posts:
Original poster
DilemmaADay · 25/04/2023 21:19

Oh and

  1. no mention of evening do, just 'log in to watch our ceremony' from 11 until 12 or whenever it is. Friends who have the whole invite seem to think it's the ceremony, wedding breakfast, bit of a dance and home for 10pm
OP posts:
Bearpawk · 25/04/2023 21:22

She's lost her mind

amiold · 25/04/2023 21:23

They're trying it on ... can invite as many as they like with no cost to them or benefit as they won't even know who's watching ... and get s raft of presents 😂

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 25/04/2023 21:23

My DP once got invited to to the church ceremony, as they wanted to fill all the seats, and the evening.

He was expected to fuck off and kill a few hours whilst the people they actually wanted to invited to their wedding enjoyed them wedding breakfast, and then come back.

Againstmachine · 25/04/2023 21:31

Total bullshit and grabby, I'd tell this friend (and they need to know they are being a dick) that are you for real you want me to take time off to attend your shitty wedding you can get lost.