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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holiday turning into a group get together

115 replies

Privacylover · 25/04/2023 07:57

First time poster how would you deal with this. Thanks in advance. Due to go on first family holiday since before covid. Me39 wife 38 sons 12 and 10. Was really looking forward to it until wife invited MIL who has now booked flights and will be sharing apartment with us so boys have to share bedroom. Now informed friend of hers and her husband and kids I barely know are staying in next door apartment too. Any holidays we have been on we have always happily enjoyed each other's company. Am I being unreasonable to not be looking forward to it anymore.
Or am I not being unreasonable because she is inviting lots of people 🤷‍♂️

OP posts:
Freetodowhatiwant · 25/04/2023 10:33

I wouldn’t be happy if the situation was reversed but, sorry to say this, it sounds like your wife just doesn’t want to spend the time with you on her own!

also, again at the risk of sounding Peak MN, you say you do the cooking and she does the cleaning. Does that mean you do the cooking and she cleans the kitchen and does the dishes afterwards or that she cleans the whole house and is responsible for all cleaning and you just do the cooking?

thinkfast · 25/04/2023 10:38

Is it a friend of your wife or friend of your MIL staying in the appartment next door? Can your MIL stay with them instead? Or book her own appartment?

speakout · 25/04/2023 10:38

I would bow out OP.
Let your wife take the kids on holiday with her family and friends. She will have plenty support of other grown ups while away.
I would either stay at home or do something with another person, or alone ( like that week long yoga retreat for solo travellers in Crete I have been drooling over for a while)

ifonly4 · 25/04/2023 10:41

If MIL in joining your family, she'll have to take you as she finds you. If it all gets a bit much, take yourself off, ie I need some exercise so am going for a serious walk - on the way back you'll need to stop of at a bar or cafe by the way (offer to take DCs sometimes though, so you can have quality with them though). If you like reading, take yourself off and do it. Also, stick to your guns, if you'd normally go out for say a curry out and MIL and friends don't want to, suggest they go off and do their own thing.

Have to say I'd be furious if DH invited others without properly discussing it first.

JudgeJ · 25/04/2023 10:47

Privacylover · 25/04/2023 07:57

First time poster how would you deal with this. Thanks in advance. Due to go on first family holiday since before covid. Me39 wife 38 sons 12 and 10. Was really looking forward to it until wife invited MIL who has now booked flights and will be sharing apartment with us so boys have to share bedroom. Now informed friend of hers and her husband and kids I barely know are staying in next door apartment too. Any holidays we have been on we have always happily enjoyed each other's company. Am I being unreasonable to not be looking forward to it anymore.
Or am I not being unreasonable because she is inviting lots of people 🤷‍♂️

I would have a very peaceful week, or two, at home and let your wife and MIL enjoy the holiday they've planned.

IncompleteSenten · 25/04/2023 10:54

Fuck that.
I'd tell her you all go without me. I'll stay home by myself.

It's bang out of order to invite others on holiday without consulting your partner!

CoozudBoyuPuak · 25/04/2023 10:56

YANBU - 2 weeks in that kind of close quarters is far too much. We just had a lovely holiday with my MIL before easter which was just 4 days and it was honestly really nice but I would have killed her by day 6 if it had gone on for much longer. There's only so much cheery I can do. This is the main family summer holiday and should be just the family. Lovely to also have time with other friends and family but they should be separately arranged, and a maximum of 4 days at a time.

DepartureLounge · 25/04/2023 11:02

This sounds to me like something suggested over a glass of wine that got out of hand and took on a life of its own. Is your wife a people-pleaser type, OP? YANBU and I would hate this too, but once upon a time it's the kind of thing I might have done, just because I had really poor boundaries, especially with my mum. So if I'd been talking about a holiday and my mum/friend had said how lovely it would be to come too and make a group thing of it, I would reflexively have said, oh, well, do, the more the merrier, but even as I was saying it I'd be thinking, shit, what am I doing?

It's probably too late to change the plan, but if you talk to her and find that actually she's regretting and dreading it too, it might help you to feel less pissed off with her - and it might be the first step in an action plan to help her stop prioritising what other people want over choices that are better for herself and for your family unit.

Personally, I wouldn't back out of the holiday and stay at home. Even though I undertstand the impulse, imo it will cause a huge amount of upset and turn a small problem into a big wedge between you.

Star11111 · 25/04/2023 11:05

I agree that you should have had an input but I would try to make the best of the situation.

From a child’s point of view I would have loved to have memories of going on holiday with my grandparents and friends. I have taken my daughter away with my husband, parents, grandparents and aunties/ uncles etc and it is still one of those talked about shared experiences that the kids all laugh about. I have also gone away with my husbands family and friends too and the kids all loved those holidays. I still remember going away with my gran when I was around 12, and since her dementia deteriorated I really appreciate those holidays we shared looking back.

Although I’d be very upset I wasn’t included in the discussion (which I agree you need to sit down with your wife and talk about how it has made you feel) I would try to make the best of it; maybes have a guys and girls night with the opposite child minding, make use of the mother in law going and have a couples evening for example. although you are all going together it doesn’t mean you have to spend all day together; book some excursions for just your close family and meet up for dinner for example or spend the day together and book a family meal just for your immediate family. Also since you don’t know this couple very well, it may be that you all actually get on really well and make some lifelong friends.

I think the situation is only going to be bad if you go into it without a plan and with a bad outlook; make sure that your wife knows you want a holiday just as a family next time and how upset it made you feel to not be involved in any decisions and that you want to be involved in decisions in the future and have a nice holiday.

whoruntheworldgirls · 25/04/2023 11:12

I love my in-laws and have been on holiday with them a couple if times, but never would i share an apartment with them, too cramped, she should have asked you first and should have told her mum she needed her own apartment. I wouldn't be happy either OP but glad your going to go and make the best of things, and seeing as she's there your mother in law can help with the kids

dworky · 25/04/2023 11:15

Seems as if you've left her to do all the arrangements so you have to take some responsibility for her choices.

Dagnabit · 25/04/2023 11:42

YANBU - I would hate this and would never put this on my husband!

HyacinthBookay · 25/04/2023 11:42

That wouldn't be a holiday for me.

Viviennemary · 25/04/2023 11:50

This sounds awful. Go on this holiday and try and enjoy it as best you can. But make it clear you won't be doing it again.

Laiste · 25/04/2023 11:51

Well, i'm glad you can see the funny side of it OP.

I'd be fucking raging.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 25/04/2023 11:57

dworky · 25/04/2023 11:15

Seems as if you've left her to do all the arrangements so you have to take some responsibility for her choices.

How do you reach that conclusion?

SparklyBlackKitten · 25/04/2023 11:58

I would tell her to either univite them or you wont be joining. It is a family holiday. How rude.

Your choices are. Staying with your wife's friends and your mil literally in your room for 2weeks...

orrrrrr 2 weeks allone without your spouse and 2 kids. Sounds like an easy choice heaven to me 😇

bye wife. Enjoy the consequences of your selfish choices!

ReadersD1gest · 25/04/2023 12:02

Privacylover · 25/04/2023 08:08

She said she only invited flippiantly not expecting them to take her up on it . Which I kinda understand. But I don't understand sharing exact location we are staying and exact dates

Is she claiming she invited her mum as a joke and her mum thought she was serious?
Pretty stupid thing to do, actually.

WoollyRosebud · 25/04/2023 12:03

Could your MIL stay in the apartment next door so you get some privacy and your kids don’t have to share a room

midsomermurderess · 25/04/2023 12:03

dworky · 25/04/2023 11:15

Seems as if you've left her to do all the arrangements so you have to take some responsibility for her choices.

Ie I must, no matter how much a stretch, and there being nothing at all on which to base this, find a way to blame the husband. Even if I look like a prize twit.

Northernparent68 · 25/04/2023 12:05

Freetodowhatiwant · 25/04/2023 10:33

I wouldn’t be happy if the situation was reversed but, sorry to say this, it sounds like your wife just doesn’t want to spend the time with you on her own!

also, again at the risk of sounding Peak MN, you say you do the cooking and she does the cleaning. Does that mean you do the cooking and she cleans the kitchen and does the dishes afterwards or that she cleans the whole house and is responsible for all cleaning and you just do the cooking?

What difference does it make ?

Ailsamary · 25/04/2023 12:05

I would show this thread , think it says it all

pinkyredrose · 25/04/2023 12:11

WoollyRosebud · 25/04/2023 12:03

Could your MIL stay in the apartment next door so you get some privacy and your kids don’t have to share a room

Why would the Mil stay with her daughters friends and kids when her own daughters family are next door?🙄

Brefugee · 25/04/2023 12:15

tbh, i wouldn't ever have gone on holiday with my MIL - i barely visited her as it is, but in general i don't ever want to share a loo/bathroom with a non family member (as in my nuclear family, i don't even like sharing with my mum)

OP - did your DW invite her mum because otherwise on holiday (apartment, so assume there is cooking, tidying etc to be done) because otherwise she gets no input from you: you have a whale of a time on holiday, and she does all the stuff she usually does, but in a different place?

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 25/04/2023 12:16

I would be furious op. Of course she should have consulted you. Very bad form and very selfish