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Original poster

Having a baby when single?

90 replies

Supernova23 · 25/04/2023 05:53

Here for more traffic. I’m early 30’s. A couple of long term relationships, none have worked out. I am in the “giving up” phase now when it comes to finding someone decent. Biological clock is ticking. I have no financial need for a man. Own home, I’m a qualified medical professional that won’t ever be out of work, and I have excellent family support. Would I be unreasonable for going in alone? Any single woman have experience of this? Pros and cons?

OP posts:
FluffMagnet · 25/04/2023 05:56

A colleague at work did this. She was probably a ood decade older, but that was playing with fire a bit. She has a wonderful daughter and seems very happy with life.

Guavafish1 · 25/04/2023 06:01

Youll need childcare, financial stability and a strong reliable support network.

Sounds like you have that already

Advicerequest · 25/04/2023 06:02

You would not be unreasonable, no.
you ideally need a good support network (friends/family or create a group of other single mothers, dc families, join organisation like Donor conception network).
cons: you can't join a babysitting circle. I was going to say it's hard when it's 8pm and you realise you've run out of nappies and have to bundle kids in pram to go to shop, but these days there's gorillas if you're in a city.
you could wait for a bit longer if you're really keen to find a partner (mid thirties) but if that's not your priority and you prefer the idea of being a younger parent, go for it.
my only advice would be - don't travel abroad and use an anonymous (never willing to be known) donor. Even if dna testing ups the odds of the donor being traceable, it's not a wise idea.

lochmaree · 25/04/2023 06:05

@advicerequest just wondering why your advice is not to go abroad and use an anonymous donor? my SIL did this and at the time I never really thought much of it however now I'm not so sure.

Advicerequest · 25/04/2023 06:09

Because the majority of available research (and the testimony of donor conceived adults) shows that it can be bewildering for some children/adults not to be able to access their genetic history (hence the move towards openness in the adoption community).. Also increasingly donor conceived families from the same donor are linking up with each other, so children can reach out to their half siblings and create connections if they want; an anonymous donor from abroad reduces this possibility. Some donor conceived people might suffer from 'genetic bewilderment' not having access to thst information.

Advicerequest · 25/04/2023 06:13

There's always the possibility of tracing the donor and their family through DNA databases although this is reduced if the child is conceived in a country with a smaller dna tracing industry.
Also a donor who signs up to be known is presumably more likely to be open to contact than one who chooses to stay hidden (when there is an option to have the ID revealed at 18).
The HFEA (Uk body governing fertility) is actually considering removing the notion of anonymity post birth altogether!

DisquietintheRanks · 25/04/2023 06:15

Well it depends a lot on the child, doesn't it. Some will be ok, fine even, with not having a father, others won't. Some children have high needs, are disabled, sick a lot - others aren't. It will complicate your love life and your family life if you meet somebody later on.

Having a child is always a gamble, the gamble doubles when it's just you. It will be hard work. But it can be done.

Advicerequest · 25/04/2023 06:21

To be very clear: you should definitely conceive with a donor if you want kids. You are definitely not being unreasonable and in my experience single parents by choice are is very happy masticated group (ditto for the kids).

I'm just putting in a caveat which is that when you choose the donor, research the differences between anonymous and willing to be known. It won't even be an issue if you're in the UK as completely anonymous donation (ie you are never told the donors ID) was outlawed in 2005. The promise of complete anonymity is only an option if you go abroad, which some people do for cost reasons.

usererror99 · 25/04/2023 06:27

It's a very selfish decision

Just because you don't want or need a father for your child doesn't mean your child doesn't want or need a father

Letsbekindplease · 25/04/2023 06:31

usererror99 · 25/04/2023 06:27

It's a very selfish decision

Just because you don't want or need a father for your child doesn't mean your child doesn't want or need a father

What an idiotic thing to say.

PinkPlantCase · 25/04/2023 06:38

If you’re early 30s I’d probably look into having a fertility MOT, maybe freezing some eggs/embryos to give yourself more time. It’s good to think about but it seems a bit drastic at this stage

Being intentionally single is fine but if you can find a lovely partner who you do want to spend your life with and raise a family that would surely be the better option? We were 26 when we had our first and we were the youngest in our NCT group by around 10 years, most people were late 30s or early 40s.

Being pregnant is hard. Having a newborn is hard, having a toddler is hard. Having a support system around you is good but are they going to be there in the middle of the night when you just can’t do another wake up? If you live with other people then maybe but I don’t see how you can replicate having someone else to depend on both practically and emotionally 24/7.

If you work in medicine are you always able to answer your phone and leave work at short notice to collect an ill child from nursery? If not would someone else be able to?

Do you work shifts? If so how would childcare work? Though there are other options out there nurserys are generally open 7:30am - 6pm. Would you be able to do both pick up and drop off?

Advicerequest · 25/04/2023 06:49

usererror99 · 25/04/2023 06:27

It's a very selfish decision

Just because you don't want or need a father for your child doesn't mean your child doesn't want or need a father

the available data shows that the offspring of single mothers by choice (who tend to be highly motivated parents) fare as well if not better than children from two parent families. So it's not as simple as you present.

I do agree that it's worth for all prospective parents to give thought to what it means to be without a second parent - can you provide other male role models/support etc.

silverlentils · 25/04/2023 06:52

Advicerequest · 25/04/2023 06:02

You would not be unreasonable, no.
you ideally need a good support network (friends/family or create a group of other single mothers, dc families, join organisation like Donor conception network).
cons: you can't join a babysitting circle. I was going to say it's hard when it's 8pm and you realise you've run out of nappies and have to bundle kids in pram to go to shop, but these days there's gorillas if you're in a city.
you could wait for a bit longer if you're really keen to find a partner (mid thirties) but if that's not your priority and you prefer the idea of being a younger parent, go for it.
my only advice would be - don't travel abroad and use an anonymous (never willing to be known) donor. Even if dna testing ups the odds of the donor being traceable, it's not a wise idea.

Gorillas?!?!

BonnieGlasses · 25/04/2023 06:55

I swear there's a thread about this every other day just now. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. It's not fair on the child at all and totally selfish as PP said.

cptartapp · 25/04/2023 06:56

You'd be expecting a lot of your 'support system' over a lot of years, whatever they say.
Not fair, and not really their role.

Emmamoo89 · 25/04/2023 06:58

Yanbu go for it 😊 x

Emmamoo89 · 25/04/2023 06:59

BonnieGlasses · 25/04/2023 06:55

I swear there's a thread about this every other day just now. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. It's not fair on the child at all and totally selfish as PP said.

Its not selfish at all.

Latenightreader · 25/04/2023 07:00

I did it, my daughter is almost five. She knows families come in all shapes and sizes and we have talked about how she came into being in a very age appropriate way. I used a UK clinic with its own sperm bank and received more info than I expected about the donor. Some places have photos, but not this one. It was expensive, but she is wonderful and has enriched my life imessurably.

Most of my friends are/were incredibly supportive, including people I was nervous about telling. It has changed the way I can socialise but we have adapted.

There are things I miss about my pre-child days, and situations when it would be so much easier if I had a partner, but generally this works well for us. I am really happy to go into more details if you have any specific questions.

SnackSizeRaisin · 25/04/2023 07:02

Have you thought about the ethical aspect of purposely depriving your child of their biological father? How will you deal with their questions, concerns, possible resentment, as they grow up?

Other than that , from a practical point of view, it will be lonely and isolating. If you have supportive family within 20 minute's walk that would make a big difference but you will be quite reliant on them and that may be a change of dynamic, they may end up wanting input into your parenting choices etc. So it depends how good your relationship is. Other than that you would rely on a lot of paid childcare, how available is that in your area and does it cover the hours that you need? It's difficult to get childcare for outside of Monday to Friday 8-6.

A friend did this and is finding it very hard. She's stuck at home evenings and weekends, her child is basically being brought up by a nursery, she's rural and hasn't managed to find a babysitter at all. Her child is asking where daddy is. It seems a terribly sad situation.

silverlentils · 25/04/2023 07:03

Supernova23 · 25/04/2023 05:53

Here for more traffic. I’m early 30’s. A couple of long term relationships, none have worked out. I am in the “giving up” phase now when it comes to finding someone decent. Biological clock is ticking. I have no financial need for a man. Own home, I’m a qualified medical professional that won’t ever be out of work, and I have excellent family support. Would I be unreasonable for going in alone? Any single woman have experience of this? Pros and cons?

If you are financially stable and have a strong support network around you, I would say absolutely go for it.

I agree with what others said about known donors, I was adopted and the need to know your roots -even if it's just to meet a couple of times and be able to ask questions - is very strong.

There are all kinds of families in the world and the nuclear family unit is just one type. I would say it's good to have a network around you so your child grows up feeling part of a community.

Having money makes a huge difference because that helps with childcare, baby sitters, an extra pair of hands in the evenings when you are trying to get them to sleep and the house is also a mess.

You could also freeze your eggs for a couple of years to buy yourself more time.

Totalwasteofpaper · 25/04/2023 07:04

You need to be sure you really want it. Only because it is hard with a newborn. So hard.

If you are set on this get a night nurse for the first month (put money aside especially if needed) it will make a huge difference.

Family support can pan out better and worse than you anticipate be mindful of that

SnackSizeRaisin · 25/04/2023 07:05

Advicerequest · 25/04/2023 06:49

the available data shows that the offspring of single mothers by choice (who tend to be highly motivated parents) fare as well if not better than children from two parent families. So it's not as simple as you present.

I do agree that it's worth for all prospective parents to give thought to what it means to be without a second parent - can you provide other male role models/support etc.

Show quote history

Do you have a link to this data please?

ralaa · 25/04/2023 07:05

Personally, I would give it another year or two in case you meet someone.

If nothing then, then I w

ralaa · 25/04/2023 07:05

If nothing then, then I would definitely go for it

drpet49 · 25/04/2023 07:07

BonnieGlasses · 25/04/2023 06:55

I swear there's a thread about this every other day just now. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. It's not fair on the child at all and totally selfish as PP said.

This