Having a baby when single?

[Supernova23]

Here for more traffic. I’m early 30’s. A couple of long term relationships, none have worked out. I am in the “giving up” phase now when it comes to finding someone decent. Biological clock is ticking. I have no financial need for a man. Own home, I’m a qualified medical professional that won’t ever be out of work, and I have excellent family support. Would I be unreasonable for going in alone? Any single woman have experience of this? Pros and cons?

Hate?
What are you on about?

Do it. If you can financially manage and can cope without sleep and help with household and cooking etc do it.

I had kids in a marriage that failed while I was pregnant. Ended up doing it alone. Financially very hard but otherwise I was better without him. A few years down the line I meet someone new who talks me into having another kiddo and I'm up for it because I wanted the family experience- relationship failed and I'm doing it single again. And I'm struck by how much happier I am in full control of my household. Co parenting is all compromise wether together or not.

I have parents who are still together. My dad was always working and I didn't see much of him growing up. They do not have an abusive relationship or anything (maybe my mother is emotionally abusive actually) but they are not happy. I learnt nothing of healthy relationships from them.

Having married parents or a father on the scene isn't essential but I will say the parent who is doing it all has to do twice the job. If you think you can do it I say go for it. Better than rushing a relationship so you can procreate

Also this. The SMBCs always say there’s ‘plenty of male role models’ to be a ‘father figure’ to their child, but that’s such a responsibility to impose on somebody without asking them first, and not really fair.

Having been in similar position in my early 30s, I would say look into freezing eggs? I met DP at 35 amd we were lucky to have DC at 38, I know this isnt the case for everyone though but think maybe freezing eggs would take some pressure off for a few yrs in case the right person comes along? But obviously totally up to you!! Everyone is different and you know yourself best xx

I've raised my dd on my own, it is hard and my dd has definitely felt the loss of not having a father around.

From a purely selfish pov I have no regrets, it was my chance to have a child and I had no complications of an ex to worry about. I've love being a mum and my dd is amazing.

Dd is now 17yo and has had a few issues but no more than most teens tbh.

Financially things may be tougher than you think, I chose to work part time when dd was younger which I hadn't thought I would do pre baby but the guilt of leaving her was too much! So I took a big salary cut plus child care bills and even now dd is a teen it is still expensive being the sole earner and provider.

Your child has a much higher chance of becoming an orphan with only one parent. I think if I were considering doing this I'd want to have someone in my life agree to be my child's guardian if anything happened to me before the child was conceived.

I agree with this.

I think if you were 38ish id say go for it, you have plenty of time to find a decent partner to have a child with.

This.

Ignore this nasty & judgemental post.

I have a ds by my ex. I've been single since he turned into weird controlling man, shortly after ds was born.

I earn £60kish, have my own home, but no family support, and have managed perfectly well to provide for my ds, who is a happy joyous boy. You'll need to be very organised and physically fit, but otherwise there is no reason why you cannot raise a child alone.

I suggest you check out the options, while carrying on with your normal life. If you still feel certain in 12 months time, then go for it.

It’s not nasty or judgemental to suggest that a child might wish that they had a father in their lives. These things need to be considered and just brushing off the full scope of potential consequences from a decision like this is very short sighted. I’m glad your situation worked for you but it doesn’t mean that the OP doesn’t need to consider every aspect of this situation before proceeding.

Contraversial I know but chances are you could end up a single parent anyway even if you did find a partner to have a child with, if a lot of the threads and my friends experiences are anything to go by. So I say go for it. As long as you can give a child a good life and have a good support around you with a male and female influences I don't see the harm. Better than having a child in a relationship which is unhealthy. But be prepared it's a rough old journey. Your career and mental health will suffer being a single parent if you don't have a firm plan in place financially and practically. many things to consider

I would do it.

some women wait years and decades for ‘the one’ and end up single or doing all of the work themselves anyway.

I have a child from a previous relationship and I’ve said for the past few years I think my next one will most likely be conceived via doner.

This would also really worry me. I think a lot of people get swept along with the pregnancy and excitement of the baby and things like this don’t sink in until later.

People die everyday. Parents unfortunately die everyday. That’s the inevitable.

If the OP has a lot of family support then the risk of becoming an orphan is really as much risk as a two parent household with no family support.

I wonder if all these people saying it’s selfish also think same sex couples who have children are being selfish? One mother and one father is not the only way to make a family! I also wonder if the same logic applies to depriving children of their grandparents, their aunties, uncles or cousins?

if you’re in a financial position to do it and you want to, go for it! I did, and I have zero regrets. My daughter may not have a father, but she has a grandmother who she sees every day, a grandfather who she sees several times a week, a great grandmother who she sees once a week, an uncle and cousins she sees once a week, an Aunty who lives in another state who is desperate for updates about her, and several other relatives who see her less often but love her all the same.

I was also raised by a single mother and to be quite honest with you it never even occurred to me to be all that bothered about not having a father, because I was also surrounded by so many other loving adults - many more I suspect than most kids with two parents. We lived with my grandparents until I was 8 and to this day I’m still very close to my grandmother, hence why I visit every week with my daughter (my granddad sadly passed away before she was born).

I will suggest that you establish one of your relatives to be ‘Father’s Day guy’. Sometimes schools or daycares will do things for Father’s Day, have the kids make something or put on morning tea or something, so you want to have someone your child can do that with/for so they don’t feel like they’re missing out. For me it was my grandad.

Huge ask to put upon somebody, I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. Male relatives aren’t just there to plug a father gap.

What a nasty post!

Oh yes, because every couple that has children is happy and every father is involved.

Any decision (especially in the global North) to have a child is a selfish decision. No woman or man deciding to conceive is doing it for altruistic reasons!

So stop shaming single women. It sounds as though @Supernova23 has far
more to offer a child than many couples.

And I wonder how many PPs lambasting the OP for her selfishness are “smug marrieds.” How many of you considered whether YOU were being selfish in deciding to have DC?

For me it would depend on how you're planning to go about it. I personally don't like the idea of using a donor because then your child would only know half of their family history, medical history etc and in that situation I'd suggest you're having a child more for yourself and your own needs than for them. If you're aiming to go down the fostering/adoption route you'd need to have a good support network around you and all of you would need to be well researched into the effects of trauma and be fully committed to meeting that child's needs on your own. You are only early 30s. I met my dh at 30 he was 31. Have you considered that having a child will make your dating pool more restrictive and limit your ability to socialise and meet people. And that if you do meet someone your timeline will be determined by your child and their needs rather than what you and your new partner may want. Have you considered how you would handle meeting someone you really love but caring for a child who maybe is very afraid of men? I wouldn't say it's impossible, it isn't but you'd need to be financially secure and in good health and have a plan in place for if anything happened to you who would care for your child.

and I wonder how many people saying ‘go for it, love is all you need’ know what it’s like to grow up not knowing one of their parents and half of their extended family.

OP asked, I would never share my opinion otherwise but she wanted honesty and we have been honest

Solo parent here - go for it!

Everyone is born into different family set ups, and there is no 'perfect'. You're not 'denying' your child a parent because there never was another parent.

I found this thought provoking: https://therumpus.net/2010/09/16/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-51/

Also, the donor conception network is a brilliant, helpfulorganisation which runs discussion groups for people in your situation who will be using donor gametes, I definitely recommend going to a group to help clarify your thoughts.

I agree. I think using donor eggs/sperm is unethical.