Having a baby when single?

[Supernova23]

Here for more traffic. I’m early 30’s. A couple of long term relationships, none have worked out. I am in the “giving up” phase now when it comes to finding someone decent. Biological clock is ticking. I have no financial need for a man. Own home, I’m a qualified medical professional that won’t ever be out of work, and I have excellent family support. Would I be unreasonable for going in alone? Any single woman have experience of this? Pros and cons?

Have you thought about the ethical aspect of purposely depriving your child of their biological father? How will you deal with their questions, concerns, possible resentment, as they grow up?

Yes, it's so difficult to grapple with this.

I had no dad because he fucked off before I was born.

I still sometimes wish I'd had a decent father.

Why idiotic? Don't you think children should have a father of at all possible?

There's a big ethical issue here. Of course people's views will differ and there's no right answer, but it definitely needs careful consideration. Not knowing who your parents are can cause lifelong issues if not handled carefully.

Been a loan parent since my child was 2. It’s utterly exhausting! Getting easier now my son is 10.

You really do need support to raise a child - I don’t know how I would have done the baby years and night wakings and breastfeeding without a supportive husband.

If you were going to rely on a wider family support network I think you’d need to have explicit discussions with them beforehand about the kinds of help they’d be likely/willing to give you so you can go in eyes wide open.

I have a thread running on David Lloyd gyms right now as looking into joining - as a lone parent with a child there are very few options for having a social life and getting out of the house unless you have willing babysitters or can afford to pay for one. It’s frustrating at times not being able to step out of the house without arranging childcare. I can’t go to the gym, can’t go out for drinks after work, can’t join local meet up groups, find it difficult to find new friends eg on Bumble as the non-parents don’t want kids around and the parents want to find friends with similar aged kids. Dating is difficult - getting to know someone new means investing in babysitting time and I don’t want to bring men back for sex with my child in the house. Occasional work trips to London are a logistical nightmare as I have to book breakfast club which doesn’t open til 8am so I have to apologise for being late, then find evening childcare who’s willing/able to do the after school club run and bring my boy home and look after him for the evening.

Just think through what you do now and how you would logistically arrange/afford everything in future, because it’s a pretty lonely life unless you’re really well off or have very willing family to help.

I think the point a pp made about children needing a dad is moot - children need mothering and fathering, which is traditionally provided in a sex segregated way, mothering qualities by a female mother and fathering qualities by a male father. But I think if you’re a well rounded and emotionally developed person (i.e. a woman in touch with her traditionally masculine qualities like leadership, adventuring, forging paths into the world) or a man in touch with his traditionally feminine qualities (being, stillness, emotionally aware), then there’s no reason why a child wouldn’t end up getting a well rounded parenting experience. If you have doubts and can afford it psychotherapy is a good way to explore that and round yourself out.

We were 26 when we had our first and we were the youngest in our NCT group by around 10 years, most people were late 30s or early 40s.

agree - I was late 20s when I had my boy, and in a middle class well off neighbourhood I felt like a very young mum!

Mine were fine with it!
they enjoyed it

Google centre for family research in Cambridge, Susan Golombok. The initial research was sometime around 2010-2015 but I can't remember details

I don’t see how having a child as a sinle parent is any more selfish than having kids in general.
Forcing someone to exist is the most cruel and selfish thing person can do!

That been said, if you fo go to have a baby, please do don’t assume or demand your family, nevermind friends to raise them, babysit or paying for them.
This is your project, no one else’s.
Don’t impose that kid on anyone else!

I don’t doubt the study’s findings but I wonder what the controls were, Eg. The level of education for the mother or household income.

I would imagine that most women who decide to go at it alone are better off than most as they can afford to pay for the process and support themselves afterwards. I would guess that these women are also educated to a higher level than average with good jobs that give them the earning potential to do the above.

Compare that to the overall population of people having children and I’m not surprised that all sorts of outcomes are better.

OP I personally wouldn't recommend it.

My lovely husband died when my two kids were v young. I realise you are talking about having one child, not two......but it was sooooo hard. They are both well adjusted adults now.

Despite having a supportive and helpful family it's very difficult - both physically and mentally demanding.

I'm so so glad I have them. The difference is being a completely single mother was not a choice I would have willingly made. I feel like my kids have really missed out on having a father in their life.

I think it might be a bit hard on a child where you have willingly made that choice x

It's a very selfish decision

No child asks to be born. All children are born from " selfish decisions."

You could look at the study?

but yes - single mothers by choice do have children with better outcomes generally because they tend to be highly motivated loving parents who can afford to raise their children and have consciously thought through the logistics before conceiving. This type of parent appears to raise well adjusted children. As a group they are also more likely to be open and embrace donor conception and the notion of wider donor family (as opposed to the secrets and lies in couples who convos with a donor and were told in the olden days to pretend the child wasn't their own). That means their outcomes are better than many other parenting groups overall.

my view is that the main issue with donor conception is not the intentional lacking a father - I know many excellent single mothers who have raised happy children - but concealing donor origins and blocking a child from having access to that information.

it Is also far easier to parent as an intentionally single adult than as one thrown by death or divorce into single parenting.

Sorry typos - pretend the child WAS biologically their own

I know two people who've done this and both have beautiful, happy, well adjusted daughters, was entirely the right decision for them!

Just be aware that parenting is absolutely relentless. Which you can't really appreciate until you've had a few years of it!

and exhausting - for me at least, but I have a couple of health conditions that mean I struggle more with that.

The early days are certainly exhausting regardless of health conditions.

Other than that, if you're certain that it's what you want then I don't see why not.

I don't think it's selfish to have a much wanted and therefore much loved child.

Good luck.

Why not, I was 30 and wanted so much to be a mum, I had a relationship where my age and want for a child over powered my sense and I ended up with a child with someone who turned out to domestically abuse me. I wish I’d have gone at it alone.

Start with the Donor Conception Network.

They have plenty of resources and run in-person conferences for parents and prospective parents. I know plenty of children of single mothers by choice and they’re all happy, well loved and adjusted. Their parents have had to work hard to get them and they’ve done their research.

Do you research and use a known UK donor.

I wouldn’t. I’d rather not be a parent than do it alone- it’s such hard work.
Also I was raised by just one parent- due to my mother dying granted- but I would never orchestrate my child to only have one parent by choice. Way too much pressure on that one child- every mother/ Father’s Day being reminded of what you don’t have.

Why are you on a parenting website if you hate children and parents so much?

Not entirely the same but when my eldest son was 2, my daughter was born. I was on my own from day one - single parent in every sense of the word. I went through pregnancy alone, birth alone, and everything that comes after. Every feed, every nappy change, every bath etc was done by me - with my little 2 year old by my side, who's needs were also all met by me 24/7. He doted on his baby sister and we were a little team. I had no support network other than a mum that popped in for a visit occasionally, and elderly grandparents.

I didnt choose that situation, of course. That's just how my life turned out. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but you better believe I'm proud of myself and always will be. I don't care who judges me, I don't ask for anyone's opinion, nor do I care for it. I did it. Just me. I don't owe anything to anyone. I can look back and say I did my best for my babies, who are now 10 and 8.

You can do it too. Don't let anybody put you off if it's what you want. It's hard work but worth it.

If you want a baby, then do it. I'm married with 4 kids but I had 3 alone. Completely different circumstances to yours, but I was a single mum to 3. And it was a struggle at times but also great and had it's good points. I wouldn't go back and change anything and I'm glad I had my family when I did.

I also think it's very selfish, sorry op

I have four children, father doesn't bother and the effect it's had on my children has been hard to swallow at times.

I have a friend that went down the donor route and her son who's in his early twenties massively struggles with it.

You won't regret having your child but raising them alone will be the hardest thing you'll ever do.

Good luck.

As you asked, yes you would be unreasonable. I don’t think donor sperm is a fair way to bring a child into the world. You would be a very small unit and they would miss out on not just a father but grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and so on, from that side. There are several donor conceived posters on here who strongly discourage it and I think we should listen to them.

Your decision but you are still young...would you not feel sad if you met someone in the next few years to settle down with, then couldn't share those first joys (and challenges 😂) of parenting your joint child together? If you were 5-10 years older I'd say go for it for sure.

OP, I met my partner when j was 38 and we conceived within a year (of deciding to try) I was 40.5 when I had my dc. It's by no means too late for you although I would go to your GP and ask to have fertility levels tested, just so you know. Parenthood is wonderful but it is relentless. You can absolutely do it without a partner but it's very tough if you don't have anyone at all. The friends I've had who have done it have had such joy from it.
If you have a support network, statutory rights and the means, then do it!