To not know how to cope with dds anxiety

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She's 20, first year of uni. She isn't enjoying her course although she likes the actual uni and has lots of friends. She has suffered with really bad anxiety. She's contacted her gp and the student wellbeing service and the gp has prescribed antidepressants. She doesn't want to take the antidepressants. She's currently living back at home and commuting in to her part time job.

I feel like the world's most awful mother because she messages me about 25 times a day telling me how awful and anxious she feels. Obviously I'm kind and I always reply trying to make her feel better, but it's really beginning to take its toll. I have a sibling who is extremely ill who I am driving up to visit every couple of weeks and when I go, my dd messages me day and night telling me how worried and anxious she is. It's really beginning to wear me down. I can never have a break from my phone- dd will text at 3am despite being in the same house as me.

She doesn't talk to dh about it and he just thinks it's all part of being a mum. I've started an exercise class which I really enjoy but I dread turning my phone on after as there will be at least one panicked message.

I cook for her every night, I've spent a fortune on things she decides might help (supplements, calm apps, pillow spray etc). I'm always ready for a chat. But it's becoming all consuming and I barely have time for dd2 who is in the first year of a levels or dh who is having a tough time at work.

I know this is AIBU so someone will say I sound selfish but I am getting to the end of my tether. She's on the pill and I wonder if that is making things worse but she won't come off it. She does have a part time job but I've said she can give up and we'll support her financially but she doesn't want to do this. Anyone else with anxious young adult kids?

Sorry I don’t have any great advice or tips, but I just wanted to say I was very like your daughter at that age. Less and less through my twenties and now as I approach my forties, it feels like a distant memory. I have no anxiety at all, weirdly becoming a Mum helped me. My Mum was patient but practical and sounds like you’re doing everything you can. I just wanted to give a little perspective that this stage in your real may not last forever and prehaps you’re achieving more than you know.

And no you don’t sound selfish at all and well done for doing the class and making some time for you.

I think you are actually doing more then enough for her op. This is clearly too much for you to manage alone. Try to get her to talk to her dad more so you dont always have to take it.

You sound brilliant op.

There are anti anxiety meds that aren't anti-depressants

She needs to read up/watch information on anxiety and what is going on in her brain. About fight & flight and she's responding to normal feelings on an unhealthy way.

Dig some info out and deflect back to her about whether she has read x and y and what does it tell her to do etc.

She needs to recognise her feelings are just feelings and they will pass and so on.

You’re not selfish at all. Why won’t your daughter take the antidepressants prescribed by the GP as surely they’re the thing almost guaranteed to help.

I have a similar situation so my sympathies. I read that you should set boundaries, for your own mental health, so I don't answer my phone at certain times which has reined in the messaging and expectations of an immediate response. I understand that feeling of dread looking at my phone though.

Your DD really has to try and get help or take meds I think, scented pillows are all very nice but aren't going to cut it with hardcore anxiety. Does she understand how badly it's affecting you and other family members?

I think it would be ok to put some boundaries in place with your daughter I.e please try not to text after 1am or when I'm at my class etc.

Or tell her that during the times she cant reach you, to contact her dad Instead.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

This was me at uni in my first year. I nearly left. I was so close to the end of the year that I thought I should see how it goes. Met some different friends in a social club and the rest is history. My life did change. I still had anxiety but I could cope with it.

This was 13 years ago now. I have suffered with anxiety since but to a lesser sense.

This is my advice to you... If you can afford it, please try a private counseller. I tried one through the uni back then but it did nothing. I finally gave in in October after putting it for years. It made an unbelievable difference. The best £1000 I ever sent. I just wish so much that I had just done it back then and not wasted 10 years.

Oh goodness thanks for the lovely replies. They've made me quite tearful.

I think you are doing too much for her and sending her the message that she can't cope. Look up parental accommodation.

This is the first big challenge of her adult life - and someone else can't solve it for her, not even her mum.

She does need to step up and take actions herself. For example antidepressants don't help if they are still in the packet.

Much as you love her, answering her texts 25 times a day doesn't help her, it just convinces her she needs to keep texting to get that fleeting hit of reassurance. Spending a fortune on pillow sprays and flower remedies keeps her as 'child' forever and just enables her carrying on the same.

It's OK for her to know that she is not the centre of the universe and you can't answer every text message or be free 24/7 for a chat. And that you need time for DD2, DH and most of all yourself!

Depends on the messages

Could you be more affirming?

‘Everything turned out fine last time’
‘OK, how can I help?’ So she comes up with solutions?
‘What do you want to do about it?’

type things

This was me a decade ago, op. The problem is she's using you as a support human, as a therapist and is bouncing every single thought off you with no pause for reflection. It's completely unsustainable and you will burn out. I remember my stress levels rising every time my phone beeped.

Eventually, I had to step back for my own sanity. I sat down with her and explained that I wasn't an expert in these things, that she wasn't going to get any better continuing this way, that unfortunately she was the only one with the power to make things better and that she had to take control/go to therapy/whatever the experts suggested. I would help with finding the correct route to take, but after that she had to engage and help herself. Ten years later, her life is unrecognisable from back then - she is still occasionally anxious but has the skills to work through it.

If I don't reply, or try and be breezy, the texts will ramp up to things like 'I can't take this anymore' or 'I'm scared of what I'm feeling ' so I get really worried. Talking to her she says she's absolutely not suicidal.

Was she offered SSRIs?

Some of them are fabulous for anxiety. I've been taking Venlafaxine for years, I'd probably be dead without it.

Why doesn't she want to take them?

Have you looked into finding her some private therapy? Therapy is really the most important thing at this point if she won't take medication. She needs 1-1 private therapy minimum of once a week. Don't even go near Nhs therapy, it's worthless.

I think there is a bit of codependency or enabling going on here. I think you need to step up some boundaries and limits that keep you both safe and well.

My Dd had a similar situation doing her first year of uni, she was self harming as well.

I found a psychiatrist local to her who she went to see. The psychiatrist prescribed her antidepressants and recommended a therapist for her.

My DD found the therapist very helpful and did take the medication. I was very supportive of my Dd, but she did need a professionals help.

We were very lucky that my husband had BUPA with his job and it covered mental health and her as dependant.

However, I know I would have paid privately if I had had to. She is now well and happy.

It's so difficult isn't it. My DS is v anxious and away for the 1st time at uni and I speak to him at least 3 times a day.
What I have learnt (and you don't mention if you do this so apologies if not) is that reassurance doesn't really help.
I try to acknowledge the feeling but then move on. So saying something like 'that sounds tough' and move the conversation on.
The only way to deal with difficult feelings is to 'sit' with them and realise that nothing bad or life threatening will actually happen. Then building up a body of that evidence can help when reflected back. So for instance if my DS is anxious about meeting a tutor I will say 'remember on x date when you had that meeting and it had x positive outcome' the idea being that eventually he will fall back on the evidence on his own without my prompting him.
Also I try not to do stuff for him. He procrastinates a lot and it would be easier to do stuff for him but ultimately it doesn't help. So for instance he has finally been able to book and go to his own hair appointments which he found impossible to manage alone 1 year ago. I just stopped doing it. I can't lie I had many messages and calls a a about it but eventually he has managed it.
I try to use these CBT tyoe techniques with him so it might be worth looking that up.
And yes i agree there has to be boundaries for messaging. And it's OK to not reply immediately. That makes her start to process the feeling herself

It's good she's working too.

That sounds really really tough OP. I have a DS who is also a first year uni student - not diagnosed with anxiety specifically but has ASD/ADHD and can be prone to ups and downs with his mental health. He has needed a lot of support this year - and whilst I have not experienced anything like the intensity of "support need" that you are dealing with, I still completely understand that dread of looking at your mobile and worry about what the next message is going to say.

I do wonder whether you need to push back on DD a little more firmly - obviously you want her to feel she can be honest with you about her anxieties but equally she is not helping herself and I wonder if there is an element of control in her behaviour as well. I also agree with a PP that for your own mental health you need boundaries in place. How do you think she would respond if you reminded her in response to each of her panicked messages with a reply that is calmly kind and supportive but firm i.e. "okay, I can tell you are struggling DD, I really think you need to start taking the medication that the doctor suggested and see if that helps" and just kept repeating the same message?

A counsellor would be an excellent idea if you can find a good one, she needs to learn strategies for dealing with the anxiety. I actually think it is good that she wants to carry on with her job, it would be all too easy for her to give that up too but I think her resolve in wanting to continue is a positive thing. There is also no reason why you need to cook for her every night - it might actually help her anxiety to give her simple practical tasks to do for herself.

It is really hard with anxiety/neurodivergence/mental health issues because it can be such a fine line between supporting and enabling. You sound like a lovely mum but equally you cannot prop up your DD endlessly and constantly - she needs to learn to help herself too.

Oh and the main stay of CBT is that feelings have no 'power'. They are not real. So when she is 'scared of what she is feeling' I'd remind her that feelings are feelings not actions. Feelings can be horrible but they cannot actually make anything bad happen on their own. That requires action. Which she has said she will not do.
Distraction is also key. If her feelings become overwhelming what can she do to distract herself. Go outside, Use 54321 (name 5 things I can see, 4 things I can hear, 3 things I can smell, 2 things I can feel, 1 thing I can taste), mindful breathing etc etc

She's being referred for a dyslexia assessment but hasn't heard anything for a while. She's also being referred for counselling but again that seems to have fallen silent. She's also emailed her lecturer about a poor essay but he hasn't replied either. I just want someone else to help!!!

Yes I think I'm going to have to try and find the money for counselling. God knows how we'll afford it. I'm supposed to be training as a counsellor myself and having my own therapy but looks like I'm going to have to put o@ut that on the back burner.

I agree that a counsellor would be helpful as you’re simply not qualified to help her, you’re her Mum, not a therapist.

My DS (14) has struggled with anxiety (doing OK right now 🤞) and finding a good counsellor who specialized in teenagers/young adults was a huge help for him. The counsellor showed him techniques to calm himself down and how to rationalize his anxiety. Our GP recommended the counsellor and I expect the student well-being service could too.

DS hasn’t been prescribed any medication as yet, but I’m on AD’s for generalized anxiety. They made a big difference within three weeks, I simply didn’t feel as anxious, slept better and was able to cope with life much better.

Perhaps explain to her that’s it’s simply medication-just as you’d take painkillers for physical pain, they help with mental pain/anguish. If they don’t suit her, she can always stop, but give them a try.
Sending you 💐.

I see that you’re actually qualifying as a counsellor! I expect you’re handling this very well then-but an outside counsellor could still be really helpful. You can’t take the full burden on yourself.