To not know how to cope with dds anxiety

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She's 20, first year of uni. She isn't enjoying her course although she likes the actual uni and has lots of friends. She has suffered with really bad anxiety. She's contacted her gp and the student wellbeing service and the gp has prescribed antidepressants. She doesn't want to take the antidepressants. She's currently living back at home and commuting in to her part time job.

I feel like the world's most awful mother because she messages me about 25 times a day telling me how awful and anxious she feels. Obviously I'm kind and I always reply trying to make her feel better, but it's really beginning to take its toll. I have a sibling who is extremely ill who I am driving up to visit every couple of weeks and when I go, my dd messages me day and night telling me how worried and anxious she is. It's really beginning to wear me down. I can never have a break from my phone- dd will text at 3am despite being in the same house as me.

She doesn't talk to dh about it and he just thinks it's all part of being a mum. I've started an exercise class which I really enjoy but I dread turning my phone on after as there will be at least one panicked message.

I cook for her every night, I've spent a fortune on things she decides might help (supplements, calm apps, pillow spray etc). I'm always ready for a chat. But it's becoming all consuming and I barely have time for dd2 who is in the first year of a levels or dh who is having a tough time at work.

I know this is AIBU so someone will say I sound selfish but I am getting to the end of my tether. She's on the pill and I wonder if that is making things worse but she won't come off it. She does have a part time job but I've said she can give up and we'll support her financially but she doesn't want to do this. Anyone else with anxious young adult kids?

I’ve had OCD and anxiety for years. I’ve taken Citalopram for years too and also don’t think I’d be here without it.

Both OCD and anxiety tend to need reassurance (OCD more so in the form of compulsions), but the more reassurance a person seeks, the stronger the anxiety becomes because the brain believes there’s something to be anxious about. Obviously that’s a very simplistic description.

You sound like an amazing mum but I also think your reassurance will be fuelling the anxiety somewhat so you need to set boundaries. Not just for your daughter but for you too.

I’ve had the meds and therapy over the years but the thing that actually helped me most and made things ‘click’ was the Dare app and book. The book is about £10 and the app is free, though you can pay for a more in depth subscription. There’s also loads of videos from the people who run the Dare app on YouTube.

I was quite like your daughter at her age (though I did take the antidepressants my DR prescribed).

It wasn’t until my mum had her own brush with anxiety, when she went through the menopause, that I had any inkling of how hard supporting someone with anxiety can be (and obviously she didn’t lean on me anywhere near as much).

I know it’s not advice as such, but I’m now in my 30’s. My anxiety is very well managed and I no longer mention it to my mum… although she seems to have an uncanny knack of knowing when I’m having a little bit of difficulty with it. I have two DC, a good education (though I did have to restart my undergraduate degree), a husband, and overall a lovely life. My relationship with my mum is great and I’m so grateful for everything she did for me now, even if I was too absorbed in my own poor mental health to appreciate it at the time.

Struggles with anxiety as a young adult don’t necessarily mean that you won’t have a positive future, even if that seems impossible at the time.

I hope things get better for you and your daughter soon .

You're doing brilliantly.
This is a really common age to suffer with anxiety and/or depression. I read about it - It's to do with changes in the brain. I had a complete nervous breakdown at 20. I'd really advise her to take the medication. I was scared to and kept delaying. In the end I couldn't get through another day so took antidepressants out of sheer desperation. Even though my illness was anxiety, not depression, the drugs worked miracles. I started to feel normal again within weeks.

I think that she needs to get off the pill (probably quite urgently, it could well be a side affect), likely on some meds for anxiety and into CBT (or similar). I’d also recommend flotation pods - while it sounds counterproductive for someone with anxiety, the evidence for is actually all there.
Sports of any kids, reduction of social media (if possible). And a great healthy diet, however much possible.

Good luck!

A book that really helped me was called Self Help for Your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes. It was written decades ago but it is so reassuring. Really helps the sufferer to understand nervous illnesses, panic attacks, anxiety etc.

I got depressed on the pill at a similar age, and then struggled with the effects of anti depressants and anti-anxiety medication.

I’m recently diagnosed with adhd, and it’s not entirely uncommon to respond differently to those medications.

There are alternatives to the pill and she should consider them.

Universities are great places to figure out if there are other difficulties at play, and access all sorts of help.

I had been on the same pill for years, but in my early 20s it sent me nuts. Logynon.The only panic attack I've ever had (didn't know that's what they were; thought I was having a breakdown). Swapped to a different one and was fine.

Mini pill wasn't good for me either, although that may have actually been pnd.

This.
We were also told to withdraw reassuring our child as she then relied on that - but never learnt how to calm herself down. Then needed more and more reassuring and it just escalated.

It was awful at first when we stopped the reassuring in person or by phone/text - we were given something to say by camhs instead but I can't remember what it was exactly. But it worked. We explained why we had to do it.
Maybe try and get some counselling for her from someone who can help you with this too. I think it was CBT based and it worked for dd.

Perhaps you could contact the organisation, Young Minds, there is a lot of useful stuff on their website and it's possible to talk to one of their advisors to get support and help as a parent, I found their perspective to be very helpful when I'd issues with my ds.

God I hear you OP. I've no real advice, but sending huge sympathy and a hug your way.
A year ago I was In exactly the same situation with my Dd, and the absolute exhaustion it brought /brings was something else.

Every time my phone beeped (day and night like you, despite us also being in the same house) my heart would literally fill with dread. Texts varied between upset panic striken ones, and others that were frankly brutal, filled with venom and jealousy if she thought anyone was getting more attention than her.

Mine is younger than yours, so the gp couldn't prescribe anything, but school sorted counselling which seems to have helped a bit. Had she had a prescription she'd have taken it I'm sure, because she does understand that her being anxious takes its toll on everyone, perhaps you could point out gently that that's the case with your family too? I sometimes think we try to protect them from seeing that we're human, but we shouldn't.

The biggest difference though, and the thing that stopped the 3am texts - I got her a rescue cat. We have a lot of animals anyway, but this one is just hers and it loves her. I know it's not ideal for everyone, but we were at the stage where it was making me ill and I still feel guilty that our other children suffer, and on occasions, continue to suffer because I daren't not jump the moment Dd tells me to because who knows what might happen.

She needs to take the antidepressants and start therapy. If she cant or wont start therapy even an app about mindfulness can be helpful. Learning techniques to manage and control anxiety can be incredibly helpful

You sound like a lovely mum.
Do you know what helped with my crippling anxiety and depression? Taking meds, going to the gym religiously, taking responsibility.
Tell her you're there to support her but you won't be doing it for her. If she doesn't like anti depressants, propanolol are very good. She needs to access CBT to challenge her thinking.
And I would suggest, super kindly, that you put some boundaries in and tell her that you know she's anxious but she is able to recognise what is a true emergency. If she wouldn't wake her dad up with it then it's not fair to wake you at 3am. I'd also encourage her to think about how she knows things have played out positively before, and what she's done to get through difficult feelings in the past to encourage her to develop some self soothing strategies as it must be exhausting for you

Does she understand the strain that she is putting you under? Without meaning to, mental health issues can make people quite self absorbed. I get that this is the mental health issue causing this so not criticising, however you are quite right - you cannot continue like this. I actually think your dd needs to hear this and a discussion about how she is going to take responsibility for her health.

if you are doing counselling you are possibly aware of motivational interviewing techniques. So along with boundaries I think I would turn her questions around and ask her what her solutions are - perhaps encourage her to explore solutions that doesn’t involve spending money on stuff that is a superficial fix.
if it were me I might limit her to face to face discussions only and stop the texts. You cant meaningfully engage with texts for anxiety.

and yes to the citalopram. I’d be encouraging her to get off tik tok. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much self absorbed rubbish in one place.

In terms of what the anxiety is about, it might be about everything or it might be focused on something like health or social situations, or university assignments. The theme might not matter but it might. For example if coping with the workload with unsupported dyslexia is proving too much, and then that is spiralling into feelings about self-worth and comparing oneself to peers, then maybe accessing more support with the work would be a priority.

Sometimes even if the theme of the anxiety is variable, you can still identify patterns and triggers for it. For some people it could be worse at night, happen before their period, happen after a night drinking, happen more at weekends when time is unstructured etc. Any pattern you can spot is great because self awareness takes the edge off the anxiety (if eg I know I always feel anxious at night then I know it's not exactly "real" iyswim) and also you can plan to manage it better - like maybe not drinking, or making sure you get your exercise or whatever.

I personally found the start of uni really hard. I had previously been diagnosed with OCD and I have since been diagnosed with ADHD and I will soon have another assessment. I struggled massively with the executive functioning of managing my work and sleep and food and friends. I didn't understand why I was a mess and others were managing with what looked like relative ease. I struggled socially not because I couldn't find people hang out with but because I was a bit naive, ended up in situations I couldn't handle, didn't manage my time well, and felt quite socially overloaded and with no safe space while living in loud noisy active dorms. Looking back as now a working married mother I can totally see why I was anxious in what was a bit of a nightmare for someone of my type and for many young people just starting out and not having all the skills needed to manage.

I think maybe if you can help pattern spot a bit, you could steer your DD in the right direction. Not reassuring her about her fears, but helping her structure her life and develop her skills in such a way as her quality of life and coping improves.

I'm glad you are continuing to take time out for yourself. Maybe up that to a walk in the park or anything to give yourself a break- and put your phone on silent. I hope you keep your phone on silent at night? Texting at 3am is really unfair- esp as she has been given an option to help, but won't take it!

If she has a part time job, why on earth are YOU paying for pillow sprays and supplements??? If she wants them, she saves and pays IMO. I'd also ask her to start cooking 1 night a week. It might take her mind off her anxiety for a little while and give you a break. How is her anxiety at work? Does she continue to text when working?

I'd also get her to chase the counselling etc ASAP. Best of luck.

Hi OP

I had a mental breakdown at 20 years old and developed severe anxiety as well. I'd had depression in the past but the anxiety was new for me and it was absolutely terrifying. I'm sure my mother could have written this post at the time.

Please encourage her to take the citalopram. I've never seen it cause weight gain. She’s more likely to gain weight on the pill than the citalopram anyway. But it really does help. I was scared of taking it too. The idea of a tablet altering your brain chemistry sounds horrific. But after a few weeks, it was like a fog lifted and the world had colour in it again. I could function again without constantly feeling like something terrible was going to happen. And whilst I still struggle with anxiety, it's manageable now. It's not this overwhelming nightmare anymore.

I'm in Scotland so I'm not sure what the deal is on NHS England but I got counselling on the NHS. CBT primarily. I also did an online CBT course during the pandemic through the NHS. It teaches you coping techniques and helps you understand why you feel anxious and how to shift your viewpoint so you don't feel so scared anymore.

I doubt your DD is suicidal. Obviously I don't know for sure but what I can say is that with anxiety, dying is what we are afraid of - it's not something we are trying to achieve. Of course, when you are in the pits of despair, it can seem like a way out but it's generally not what an anxious person wants. But do keep checking with her just in case.

I really hope she gets better, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Just remember that she’s confiding in you because she trusts you. It is draining and you are entirely right for having had enough, but she probably doesn't realise the impact it's having on you.

Thank you. I've deliberately tried not to be to "counsellory" as when I am she gets upset and says she just wants a mum! I can't win. I'm going to bed now and I've told her that I'm going to turn my phone off. She said OK but she can't sleep. I'm desperate for a full night's sleep so I said if she needs someone to talk to dh!! He has no idea I've said that and I know she won't speak to him.

Good for you, OP. If you become ill through exhaustion, that won’t help anyone.

Thanks to the pp who nominated the book Panicking about panic by Justin fletcher.. I couldn’t sleep stressing about work, listening to his podcast now whilst tidying the house at midnight 😂

Hi OP,

my DD 17 is the same, and lots of the replies here resonate. I know I probably enable lots of it but it’s so hard to break the cycle, especially when the words get more and more desperate. My DD wants tablets, she feels it is the only thing that will help, but they’re refusing to prescribe because she’s under 18.

This last 2 weeks I have started to push back, and put in some boundaries, and she’s not happy! It almost feels like she’s addicted to me if ykwim.

She has been referred to a youth support thing, and I’m hoping she will engage, and some talking therapy which will hopefully start soon. CAMHS asked for her to be assessed for ASD but she went ballistic at that, so it’s a firm no.

Happy to chat in PM to vent if you like!

A mums job is also to make them independent- so don’t feel guilty.

i hope you have a lovely sleep.

Number one she needs to deal with her feelings sometimes on her own.

You will be worried of course, but this is not healthy for either of you.

Model what healthy behavior is by setting some boundaries. Even if they are small steps at first. Like not texting back before 6pm or after 6pm or whatever.

Then you will have to manage your own anxiety, which is a very good and powerful way of showing her that restraint and discipline are just basic life skills. You will need to restrain yourself from texting back. No matter what texts. She will eventually learn not to after some kick back.

You know this already but she needs to take the medication. There are lots of different anti-depressant options, though to be fair all can cause weight gain. Medication can make such a massive difference for young adults in particular but also can be particularly risky for them in the first few weeks as the brain gets used to them with problems like increased suicidal ideation. So understand why she's worried but it would make the world of difference to her to be on the right medication.

Why won't she come off the pill? You're right that this may not be helping things, my friend had horrendous mood issues on the pill for years thar disappeared practically overnight when she came off. She could have a local hormonal contraceptive like the coil which wouldn't hopefully cause such side effects.

I have a 20yo with anxiety and depression, the depression is SO much better now she is off the pill but she realised herself that she needed to try coming off it, if your DD doesn’t that makes it really tough. DD has a counsellor which has also really helped, I must admit that at her worst once I had listened to her for a while I would say “there is nothing else that I can really do to help you, do you think you should talk to your therapist”. Sounds harsh but I have health issues that make me really tired and I was finding it exhausting, I also have a background in psychology so have a good idea of when a professional would do a better job than her mum and can tell her that. I do think you need to set some boundaries which I realise is easier said than done. That and professional help if you can afford it. Good luck.

encourage her to take the medication and exercise daily. The endorphins will be helpful.

She needs to keep her part time job! And infact maybe she should see a careers adviser, leave her course, change routes and look at doing an apprenticeship from home. Get her qualifications that way instead.

what sort of thing is she anxious about