To not know how to cope with dds anxiety

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She's 20, first year of uni. She isn't enjoying her course although she likes the actual uni and has lots of friends. She has suffered with really bad anxiety. She's contacted her gp and the student wellbeing service and the gp has prescribed antidepressants. She doesn't want to take the antidepressants. She's currently living back at home and commuting in to her part time job.

I feel like the world's most awful mother because she messages me about 25 times a day telling me how awful and anxious she feels. Obviously I'm kind and I always reply trying to make her feel better, but it's really beginning to take its toll. I have a sibling who is extremely ill who I am driving up to visit every couple of weeks and when I go, my dd messages me day and night telling me how worried and anxious she is. It's really beginning to wear me down. I can never have a break from my phone- dd will text at 3am despite being in the same house as me.

She doesn't talk to dh about it and he just thinks it's all part of being a mum. I've started an exercise class which I really enjoy but I dread turning my phone on after as there will be at least one panicked message.

I cook for her every night, I've spent a fortune on things she decides might help (supplements, calm apps, pillow spray etc). I'm always ready for a chat. But it's becoming all consuming and I barely have time for dd2 who is in the first year of a levels or dh who is having a tough time at work.

I know this is AIBU so someone will say I sound selfish but I am getting to the end of my tether. She's on the pill and I wonder if that is making things worse but she won't come off it. She does have a part time job but I've said she can give up and we'll support her financially but she doesn't want to do this. Anyone else with anxious young adult kids?

It's citalopram she's been prescribed. She's seen lots of stuff in tiktok about awful side effects including weight gain 🙄

I suffer with anxiety- terribly in the past. It’s horrible and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and to explain it to others without sounded completely nuts is hard.
she needs to take the tablets. I’m on setraline and after a week wow what a difference.
Tell her to compete against her thoughts, challenge them.
do whatever scares her anyway.
go against the pattern
go the gym and burn off the adrenaline and go swimming
change diet and less coffee
one hundred percent agree tablets do help. I’m on 100mg setraline and most of the females in my family are- we think it’s hormonal genetics
She is using you as a crutch bless her but it will take its toll
also fantastic recommendation/
amazon sell a book call panicking about panic
i dare say it cured me. I went through it with a pen and notes.
trust me order it for tomorrows delivery :)

I’m on Escitalopram and it hasn’t affected my weight. I’m 48 so my metabolism will be far slower than hers!

If I don't reply, or try and be breezy, the texts will ramp up to things like 'I can't take this anymore' or 'I'm scared of what I'm feeling ' so I get really worried.

You definitely cannot carry on like this. How awful for you both.
I hope you can find the money for counselling op. Perhaps your daughter could add some to it herself if she works part time.

Dyslexia is often co-morbid with ADHD, and ADHD is often co-morbid with autism, and that combo can cause awful anxiety. Just saying ....

There are other things that can be done before money is found for Counseling. Eg regular exercise- running, weights, taking anti depressants - it doesn’t have to be forever. Seeing what it is like coming off the pill.
I would say that paying for Counseling- at your detriment is not to her benefit.
What @Lottsbiffandsmudge is excellent advice.
If you step back a bit, give boundaries and have her sit with the feelings - instead of fighting them. All these things will benefit her. And reduce the stress on her.
Activities that engage the robot part of the brain - step by step activities - for my son it’s baking cookies, are really helpful for anxiety as it takes the mind off the thoughts as they go through the steps.
Also for you - think about it replying to her 25 messages is helping reduce her anxiety? Possibly not as she is still anxious and you are still replying to the messages.
Slowly reduce the cooking - she starts to cook 1 time a week for everyone. Then twice a week. She then has some ownership of something. It also reduces your burden. It she could make xtra it can go in the fridge/freezer. She is an adult she needs to understand you have other demands.
All the suggestions you have made: take anti depressants, go off the pill, give up her job - she has ignored these. She has autonomy and the ability to make decisions. Step back - without abandoning her- and allow her to work her way through the anxiety and find more constructive ways to deal with it. She will find them. After all she has manger to get on a uni course, and stay on it despite not loving it Make Friends, hold down a Job, get up each day etc etc. She is capable. Tell her that.

As a student she is very well placed to get counselling via her university, or one of the many projects for 18-25s.

This is the one time in her life counselling will be available rather than having to pay for it.

It does all seem a bit 'I'll ask mum, mum will fix it' for everything.

You sound like a lovely mum.. my mum never did any of that for me and now I don’t bother telling her really when things are hard because I know she won’t be there. Maybe in your case you’re ‘too there’ but it’s a tough call. I agree with you that the pill could be affecting her MH - it definitely did me. In the end I had a non hormonal coil which was great. The extra hormones really fucked with my moods to the point I couldn’t function! I don’t think your daughter should give up her job - she needs that indépendance and it’s good for her I’m sure. Can you explain to her that many many people are stressed in their twenties - no one know what they’re going and you’re a grown adult setting off! I’d hate to do my twenties again, it was wild but also terrifying and I was stressed wondering what the hell to do, in some ways as you get older the choices narrow so it becomes a bit less overwhelming! If you didn’t have your phone what would actually happen? I think you should aim for some balance - yes be close by all means, but just because you’re her mum doesn’t mean you need to reply at 3am. It also doesn’t mean you love her any less. Xxxxx

Stop responding to her texts. You're not helping by doing so - you're feeding her anxiety.

Tell her she can phone you at lunchtime for a chat.

My DD went through this op. Counselling was the way out. I too did what you did and although it came from a good place it was actually enabling her in that it didn't help the anxiety. You need to draw clear boundaries, maybe once a day when she call call or message to talk through what's worrying her. The rest of the day she can make notes etc but can't contact you about a worry and if she does just say you'll talk about it later. I wish you well op. It's awful but it can get much better.

What sorts of things is she anxious about?

I agree it's become a coping mechanism for her but it's very hard to withdraw although I'm going to have to

Good question. I'm convinced there's something at the bottom of this but she says there isn't. I know she's not doing as well on her course as she thought she would. At the point I'd be happy for her to drop out if it would help

My youngest son suffered with anxiety and one of the first things we as parents were told by Cahms was to withdraw reasurrance.
Ok you sound bloody brilliant, l suffered panic attacks at the same age as your daughter all my Mum did was say she didn't know much about them and it was never mentioned again. However it did teach me to learn how to overcome them myself.

If she is at university then she is clearly an intelligent woman. Intelligent women do not take TikTok as gospel! Do not be afraid to point this out to her!

When people are depressed, they can lose their appetite. When citalopram works as it is supposed to, the fog lifts and the appetite returns. THIS is why some people might gain weight - because they are recovering! There are also people who lose weight on citalopram - because they no longer have the need to comfort eat or they feel more motivated and become more active.

People who are not experiencing disordered eating in any way will not gain or lose.

She is more likely to gain weight on the pill or beta blockers!

OP not ok

It's also key not to feed the anxiety with your own. A desire to fix everything is laudable but jumping to 'the next thing' every time a previous fix didn't work/ wasn't used feeds the anxiety. I can't be 'fixed' we all have anxiety we just manage it in different ways. There is nothing wrong with managing it with medication or therapy but she has to engage.
Catstrophising is common. 'If I take the pills I will get fat'. For instance. 'My tutor hasn't replied I must have failed the essay'. It can help to 'brainstorm' alternatives to these ideas. What are other possible outcomes? How can I test those outcomes (take the meds for x weeks and see what happens/ pop in to see the tutor)....

It's very possible there isn't something at the bottom of this, apart from fear of growing up.

Anxiety doesn't have to be rational.

If there is a cause, it will come out eventually. But she (and you) don't need to know what it is to starting treating the problem and changing her behaviour for the better.

I have and am at times in a similar situation to this and hate to say it but it does wear you down She must take her medication in order to help herself and everyone else around her also seeing a councillor would be a good idea

why wont she take her meds it's very important she does anxiety can be very debilitating for all

I was in a very similar situation with my sister who is like a daughter to me due to age gap and our DM passing away a few years ago. She was prescribed antidepressants which to be honest I wasn't very happy about her taking (stupid prejudice I guess) but the difference in her since taking them is like night and day. She never said she was depressed she didn't think she felt down just very anxious but for whatever reason (placebo??) the tablets have really really helped

I agree with you re Venalfaxine.
However, the very best CBT counselling I got was on the NHS.
It changed my life after having had 4 previous counsellors I paid for.
She was quite simply unforgettable and life-changing. Excellent counselling ( specifically CBT, which is what it sounds like your DD needs), does indeed exist on the NHS. ( I concede there may be more of a wait though than when I had it 6 years ago).
OP. Do try to engage here with the antidepressants. Weight gain is not v common on them and if it happens, it's usually due to other reasons, not an iatrogenic ( symptom due to medication) cause.
There has been some superb advice on this thread.
All the very best to you and your DD

Unfortunately, one of the most insidious characteristics of anxiety as an illness (as opposed to “normal” anxiety about a job interview, an exam, etc.) is that once a problem seems solved, it transfers itself to something else.

So if your DD is worried about a particular essay, for example, finishes it and gets decent marks, the anxiety will then transfers to another issue (e.g., relationships, friendships, the next essay).

AD’s and/or counseling can help to break this vicious cycle. You start to rationalize and learn strategies to stop the anxiety building, IYSWIM.

I can relate a little bit , I have found my dd needs more attention when things go wrong / she has a bad day / than her brothers . I am the first person she turns to and it's nice we have that relationship but I remember being at a party and her calling me in tears , I left the party for an hour to talk to her . Have you looked into a private therapist ? Or asked the Dr's if they have a mental health clinic ( our local Dr's does it's face to face 1 hour appointments) that could really help you . Please don't feel bad for dreading her calls 25 a day is mentally draining for you .

You’re spot on, @Lottsbiffandsmudge

If my mum hadn't encouraged me to take the anti depressants I wouldn't be here. I must have made her life hell looking back. For a year i messaged or called the anxiety stress built and built..the Dr's prescribed anti depressants and I refused to take them till it built to suicidal stage. Eventually my mum persuaded me to take them and within 3 weeks I was back to normal functioning normally again. I was kept on them for 12 months and haven't had them for the last 5 year. Your doing a great job but please tell your daughter how important it is to take them. We just don't realise how important as we suffer till for me it went down a hill I eventually couldn't get back up from without tablets. If I had taken them sooner I wouldn't have got to suicidal stage.