To feel resentful?

[sotiredandburntout]

DH works away every other week. It actually works out he's away slightly more days than he's home. We have a toddler who is challenging to say the least. I also work in a demanding senior role.

I'm absolutely exhausted with holding family life together when he's away, balancing my job, childcare, and home life. He doesn't seem to understand how utterly exhausting this is. We have no family support. He comes home for the week and it feels as though he still expects me to be default parent - I think he gets used to being away so he sort of checks out of family life when he's back. I don't mean in the sense of being involved - he still wants days out and fun etc with our DC. But he doesn't pick up any of the drudgery/ mental load from me when he's back. I'm still expected to keep everything ticking over. So it's like he's all in for the fun times, but the hard stuff I do when he's away I'm still expected to keep on with.

We've had many a heated discussion about this and he insists he genuinely doesn't know what I'm talking about, and that he does "everything he can" to take the pressure off me. I am not seeing or feeling less pressure when he's home though. I've tried to explain the concept of the mental load to him and he just doesn't get it. Like I want someone else to do the thinking and planning for a bit. I don't know what to do anymore, but it's making me resent him and his work situation so much. I resent that he wakes up in his hotel on a work morning and only has himself or focus on getting ready, no tantrums to deal with, no stress. So when he comes home, it should be his turn to deal with this surely?

The thing is, he earns really good money working away, so financially we'd be silly to throw the towel in on that. I do get that and obviously I enjoy the financial benefits to our family. But I'm trying to weigh that up with the added pressure on my shoulders, which is just too much. If he came home for the week and basically stepped into my shoes and just acted as I do when he's away (ie take over the role of default parent), it would feel much better. His argument is, why would I act as though I'm solo parenting when you're here? It frustrates me so much though because that's exactly what I have to do! So the resentment is just building more and more. If he took over completely I'd be able to recharge ready for him going away again.

AIBU to feel resentful and to expect him to take over my role when he's home?

Anyone?

I wouldnt be ok with dh working away nor with him treating his house like a hotel.

No amount of money is worth your oh essentially being a lodger instead of a parent.

But if you've discussed it and he doesn't see the need to change then you're only option is to put up with or leave

YANBU to feel this way.
Is there anyway that you can delegate specific tasks to him when he home, or is there anything that he could be responsible for when he is away (just because he's away doesn't mean that he can't be in charge of the childcare/school payments ect with the use of a shared family calendar)

Can you go and stay in a hotel for the week next time he's back ?
Will show him what you have to do every day , although does he work on his weeks at home ?
Ask him , say ' when would you do x x x x if you were me ?

Do this, this will be the only way he will understand.

you say you dont feel less pressure when he is at home, but I think that is completely normal. You can be very relaxed with just one adult and one child in the household, but pressure and expectations rachet up immediately there is another adult there. I think could be his actual physical existence that causes you to feel this, after having the house to yourself all week - it isnt his fault! swapping between being your own person, and being half of a cooperative parenting housekeeping unit will be stressful

Thanks for your replies. He works the occasional day of his week home, no more than 2 days at most. On these days of course, guess who's once again default parent....? Even though we both have to get to work on those mornings, and I've just done a week by myself.

You need to be a lot more specific. Mental load is a vague concept. What exactly do you want him to carry 'mentally'? Plans for the weekend? If so tell him that he's to arrange the activity. Paying the insurance? Doing the shopping? Tell him you think that should be his responsibility this week. You've been doing this so long he probably has no real idea what 'it all' even is, and needs to be told.

I dont think he should act as though you're not there when you are there. You are not acting as though he's not there, he's actually not there. So is it just the mental load that you're having the issue with? It's quite vague and I'm not sure he would actually know what you mean.

The physical stuff he should be doing on his days off and you're working.

Thanks. Maybe I am being a bit vague, so being more specific is a good idea.

When I say act as though I'm not there, really what I mean is, manage the things I have to manage without relying on me. He's so quick to default to me, and it just really annoys me, as I have no choice but to do it all myself. Not sure I'm explaining properly. Obviously if he was really struggling I would step in. But I want him to be default parent when he's here, to give me that proper chance to recharge.

This is an interesting point I hadn't considered.

Could you consider dropping down to 4/5ths and assign him 1 day a week where he's solely incharge of DC so you can go 2 days a week to have a break?

Also as someone else said. He may not be able to do the physical tasks whilst he's away but if you get a digital Todo list and digital shared calendar then he can do a lot of other stuff. Also a regular chore rota. I'd be willing to bet he had no idea what it takes to keep the house ticking over if he's never really needed to manage it himself. He might need a lot of very specific help initially to get used to predicting what will need doing.

Ordering a weekly shop
Booking appointments
Researching and buying anything that needs buying

Effectively he could be the family PA and you could be the family 'do-er'.

You'd get DC back from childcare and see their shoes are wearing through "DH, I've added buy size 5 shoes for DC to the to-do list. I need them ordering asap"

You want to go somewhere as a family "DH, I've added booking tickets to your to-do list".

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and say he just has no clue what it takes to do what you do. So can't empathise. But if you can put practical measures in place and formalise your roles/responsibilities hopefully he'll step up once he's clear what you expect/need from him.

What type of things are you wanting him to do while he's home? I know you say mental load and default parent but all of that is vague without specifics. Maybe you've also been.vague with him and maybe this is where he's struggling.

You do have a choice.

When he defaults to you, say, no, you do it.

Yanbu, my dh works in an extremely stressful job (banking 10-12 hours daily). He has a difficult commute as well. When he gets home, and gets right down to helping out with whatever needs to be done - and I'm a sahm!! He was travelling for the last week and I was not very well and managing all the dc. He got back on Saturday and took over the entire weekend. Your dh doesn't value you and completely taking advantage of you. I wouldn't tolerate that at all! You work too! Why is your job and free time less valuable than his? My dh actually said getting a full nights sleep makes all the difference and he made sure I got my time when he got back. You need to have a firm discussion with your dh telling him he needs to step up in a big way.

Have you considered a nanny? The happiest homes I’ve seen/worked in where both parents have senior jobs/ work away a lot have a nanny to pick up the slack.
Leaves the parents to actually enjoy time together at the weekend.

I don't think you can check out of parenting every other week, just because he's home.

Yes, you have to do it while he's away, and yes, it's hard. But as you say, if you want the financial rewards him working away brings, then you have to parent alone whilst he's not there. That's just how it is.

On the weeks he's back, you should both be parenting and doing other house/family related things equally.

@mrsm43s

If my oh fucked off every second week, damn right I'd be checking out on the week he was home

I honestly think it would really explain things by moving out for the whole week the next 2 times he's home. It's the only way your DC will build a more equal relationship quickly too.

Say you are burnt out and do it. Not as a punishment but for him to experience and remind him he needs to her the food in and the laundry etc.

Longer term you need to buy in support. If he's always home at the weekends then he does the menu plan and food shop/order then. He takes on responsibility for x amount of laundry- wash, dry, put away.

He arranges days out etc.

Fucked off every second week and earning loads of money that OP doesn't want to give up. You don't just get to check out of your responsibilities every other week ffs. Neither of them should be checking out, that's not how life with children works.

@MiIIiee

He seems to be managing to check out

🤷‍♀️

Also, just in case you're considering it OP, don't have any more children unless you fully solve this issue together. It may sound obvious but 2 children really is twice the effort.

He's working away from home, making a lot of money to support the family. Not off on a jolly!

Hes working away from home, that's not checking out. Being around the house and choosing not to be involved is checking out.

In what way does he expect you to be the default parent when he is home? Because on the face of it, that's shit, he should at least be equal. But its exhausting having a demanding job and being a parent to a toddler and whilst I dont think he should be acting like a sole parent when you're both around, its shit not to acknowledge that when he is away your workload doubles...but when he is home your workload doesnt go down at all so you're effectively doing 75% and he should be doing more to redress the balance.

For a start he should be doing anything that can be sorted by email. There is plenty of time when travelling to organise insurance, pay for nursery, school lunches, book various things etc.

You also need some 'time off' to recharge when you're back.

He does need to try and be the 'default' parent when you're home. That doesnt mean doing everything but it does mean that he does the things first. Eg you all go to the park but if your child needs the toilet he takes them, he gets up early with them so you can catch up on sleep, etc etc. Ofherwise he wont have the same relationship with his child, you will end up resenting him as youd actually be in a better position in terms of your own free time, if you split up

I have a husband that travels and he actually does pull his weight both when he is away (sorting shit out) and when he is home (eg doing more pick ups and drop offs and mornings etc when he is here as he recognises its shit when he is away and I would just burn out - I have health issues and have burnt out before when the kids were tiny). But even though he is great I still hate it when he is away. And I travel for work occasionally and even though I'm an introvert, I still find the travelling, sleeping in a strange bed, socialising in evenings with strangers on top of doing a full days work / meet and greet, a hell of a lot easier than parenting on my own for more than 24 hours at a time (though I dont go out the uk, may be different if had much jet lag to deal with).

One thing that people who travel have to be is organised. So there is no reason why you cant hand over tasks to him. 'DH, its kings and queens day at nursery next week, can you sort a uniform' in fact why dont you deal with all nursery emails from now on since I'm on call for the phone calls'.

I also feel like you might have to do something drastic, invent a course at work or something, so that he sees what it's like rushing around trying to sort kids while feeling early morning work calls etc etc.