To feel resentful?

[sotiredandburntout]

DH works away every other week. It actually works out he's away slightly more days than he's home. We have a toddler who is challenging to say the least. I also work in a demanding senior role.

I'm absolutely exhausted with holding family life together when he's away, balancing my job, childcare, and home life. He doesn't seem to understand how utterly exhausting this is. We have no family support. He comes home for the week and it feels as though he still expects me to be default parent - I think he gets used to being away so he sort of checks out of family life when he's back. I don't mean in the sense of being involved - he still wants days out and fun etc with our DC. But he doesn't pick up any of the drudgery/ mental load from me when he's back. I'm still expected to keep everything ticking over. So it's like he's all in for the fun times, but the hard stuff I do when he's away I'm still expected to keep on with.

We've had many a heated discussion about this and he insists he genuinely doesn't know what I'm talking about, and that he does "everything he can" to take the pressure off me. I am not seeing or feeling less pressure when he's home though. I've tried to explain the concept of the mental load to him and he just doesn't get it. Like I want someone else to do the thinking and planning for a bit. I don't know what to do anymore, but it's making me resent him and his work situation so much. I resent that he wakes up in his hotel on a work morning and only has himself or focus on getting ready, no tantrums to deal with, no stress. So when he comes home, it should be his turn to deal with this surely?

The thing is, he earns really good money working away, so financially we'd be silly to throw the towel in on that. I do get that and obviously I enjoy the financial benefits to our family. But I'm trying to weigh that up with the added pressure on my shoulders, which is just too much. If he came home for the week and basically stepped into my shoes and just acted as I do when he's away (ie take over the role of default parent), it would feel much better. His argument is, why would I act as though I'm solo parenting when you're here? It frustrates me so much though because that's exactly what I have to do! So the resentment is just building more and more. If he took over completely I'd be able to recharge ready for him going away again.

AIBU to feel resentful and to expect him to take over my role when he's home?

I know lots of women that travel with work. I highly doubt any of them arent involved with mental load whatsoever, and are happy for their husband to do the bulk of child care even when they're both around.

I'm sure it's not a coincidence he chooses to work away from home.

I absolutely see it as checking out.

YANBU but it's a difficult one when he is not hearing you at all. When ours were little and DH was away we'd get easy dinner in for me etc. Some admin always fell to him, he's on email so can do all that just as well as me. But maybe that is a school age thing more than toddler.

My husband also did bedtime every night he was home - he says because otherwise he'd hardly see DC on weekdays. Could your husband maybe do bedtimes when he is home and you do them other weeks? That would give you an hour to yourself of an evening.

The approach of trying to give both parents equal time off also might be worth a try. If you get very little while he's away it's only fair you get more than half when he's home. My worry is there's a deeper rooted problem of disrespect for your point of view, your contribution, your time though.

Start with sharing everything that you are doing.. and the things that you need him to share.. set some changes in motion..

Tell him what you want him to do... and how you want him to change and say that as you don't seem to be able to communicate it with words, the only was is to leave it 100% in his hands when he is not away so that he can appreciate what is needed.. w??.c4,×+

Every morning that he is home.. he has to take care of the children.. don't share.. get out of bed, shower, dress, leave the house, have breakfast elsewhere..

2 evenings a week, get home late... go shopping, visit a friend, exercise or just walk in, go to your bedroom and watch crap on your phone.

If there are things that need to be done...
Paying bills, booking holidays, shopping, sorting childcare... hamd them over.. one by one as they appear on your radar.. if there are things you should do together like holiday planning.. set some time to do it.

The thing is, he earns really good money working away, so financially we'd be silly to throw the towel in on that.

But OP wants him working away, as stated above.

Working away, and being home but not being involved is 2 very different things. I think you know it is.

@MiIIiee

Not really.

As pp said I bet women who work away dont completely check out when away.

Both issues need to be addressed

A nanny would eat my entire salary unfortunately, so there'd be no point me working. I might as well quit work and be the nanny myself.

If he is able to function in a senior role then it seems awfully likely that he is able to understand the concepts of equality and mental load.
No you don’t need to explain it better!

Ask him what he does with staff who are unable to understand their role and are underperforming?
Maybe he needs a performance improvement plan!

I think you need to re-examine your statement ‘it would be silly’ for you to change the arrangement because of the good money.

there are a million ways to get good money, and this one is making you miserable and burnt out. If I were in your shoes I would be rearranging this and problem solving it with him, as a team. If he said no, well then that would be a deal breaker for me.

How often do you go out just you op?

This isn't really making any sense to me, because aren't you out lots of the week he's home? Who's doing the childcare then, the evenings, the nursery drop offs?

I assume you work every week day?

I would be going out straight after ti work, to friends, to hobbies, for a walk; whatever and also plenty of the weekend he's home. To make up for the utter relentless of the previous week.

DH is away 3 days a week but when he's back he does a lot and we share weekends. There isn't a clear division of duties but we are in it together.

I think "mental load" and "default parent" are difficult concepts.

Is it more that you keep doing what you do and he sorts himself out? Maybe you should just be calling it selfishness.

I find that getting out of the house has made the difference. Men can step up when they need to, so get yourself to the office or a remote working location and leave him to it. Book leisure activities in the evening or go out with friends.

I think sharing the week at first is fair. What does he do for himself when he's working away? Can he go to the gym or time to relax?

Don't quit work. Resentment is route one to divorce, so you'll need your career.

Maybe the good money just doesn’t compensate for what you are losing?

In your shoes dh would switch jobs so he doesn’t need to work away even if this means he takes a pay cut, otherwise it’s likely to erode your marriage even further.

DONT have any more children!

There's quite a lot of stuff going on to unpack here, but what I would suggest in the short term is that you engineer some instances where he has to do all the morning stuff and evening stuff by himself. Leave at 6am for some breakfast meetings or whatever.

I'm guessing some of the issues are caused by him nominally being responsible for getting DC up and out to nursery on certain days, but he is asking you a lot of questions or expecting you to get involved. I can see how both viewpoints make sense, but I can also see that him not being on top of the job, or expecting you to pick up 50% of it is unfair in you.

So don't be there and let him figure out what needs to be done.

My dh worked away for sometimes 2 weeks at a time (2 weeks away, 2 weeks at home). He did also go into office when at home but with extra days off. Like you I had to hold down a job, look after dc and dog. We had no family support around us. He was very good tbf at slotting back in when he was at home and did the school runs and housework. Even with that it wasn't sustainable. I was resentful, he missed home and he gave it up when the project ended. He did find another job quickly which was less money but id rather have a happy home than extra money.

If this is going to be sustainable you both really need to get on to the same page.

Just to answer a few questions

Yes DH has time to unwind when he's away, he uses the hotel gym etc

I do go to the gym myself occasionally when he's home

Our DC goes to nursery when he's home and when he's away with the exception of one day of the week where he looks after them

By default parent I mean, if we are both working on particular day when he's home he will leave it to me to sort out DC out as he sees it as more important that he's at work on time then me (he's said this before)

I do around 90% of the drop offs and pick ups, when he's home and away

So stop doing it.

Why are you enabling him?

“By default parent I mean, if we are both working on particular day when he's home he will leave it to me to sort out DC out as he sees it as more important that he's at work on time then me (he's said this before)”

Don’t have a second child with him.

"By default parent I mean, if we are both working on particular day when he's home he will leave it to me to sort out DC out as he sees it as more important that he's at work on time then me (he's said this before)"

Wow that would make my vagina shrivel permanently.

It's a man thing I'm afraid. It seems to be in their DNA. If you ask him to sort out a uniform, he wouldn't know where to begin. Don't have another baby, will you? Maybe you should actually teach him how to do child related stuff? And then go away for a few days when he's at home? (Could you organize something work related?)

Not just this, but things like, if we have a day out somewhere he will leave the planning, booking and organising to me. He'll then just come along for the fun part. Last time I raised this and said I need you to take over the mental side of planning / packing the bag for toddler etc to give me a break, he said "well you're normally on top of it aren't you, so I don't need to". Yes I'm on top of it because you won't do it if I don't! What choice do I have? 🙄

He should do all of the pick ups and drop offs when he is home. Your job may not pay as well as his, but he is valuing you less than him by this assertion. The gender based structural inequalities exist, in part due to the perpetuation of this dynamic. If you were free to get in early and leave late on the weeks that he is home, you entire work life would improve. He can put the extra hours in when he is away... or he can lead by example and model good behaviour to other parents.

The nanny cost does not sit on you... you are facilitating his career by sacrificing yours.. in addition to the sacrifices you have already made. The gap will only continue to get wider. You are already doing a huge amount of unpaid work in addition to the unpaid work of carrying and giving birth to a child which has a significant and lasting impact your lifetime earning potential regardless of the choices you make.

But why??? Thats what is so difficult to understand! Why are you doing anything at all (child related, house related, admin related) on days when he's not working and you are?
If it's because your child prefers you when you're both in, then this is really simple - don't be in so much!

Oh no no no no no no no. FUCK NO. It's a 'useless entitled selfish' person thing. Yes, often men. But absolutely not all of them, not the good ones.