To feel resentful?

[sotiredandburntout]

DH works away every other week. It actually works out he's away slightly more days than he's home. We have a toddler who is challenging to say the least. I also work in a demanding senior role.

I'm absolutely exhausted with holding family life together when he's away, balancing my job, childcare, and home life. He doesn't seem to understand how utterly exhausting this is. We have no family support. He comes home for the week and it feels as though he still expects me to be default parent - I think he gets used to being away so he sort of checks out of family life when he's back. I don't mean in the sense of being involved - he still wants days out and fun etc with our DC. But he doesn't pick up any of the drudgery/ mental load from me when he's back. I'm still expected to keep everything ticking over. So it's like he's all in for the fun times, but the hard stuff I do when he's away I'm still expected to keep on with.

We've had many a heated discussion about this and he insists he genuinely doesn't know what I'm talking about, and that he does "everything he can" to take the pressure off me. I am not seeing or feeling less pressure when he's home though. I've tried to explain the concept of the mental load to him and he just doesn't get it. Like I want someone else to do the thinking and planning for a bit. I don't know what to do anymore, but it's making me resent him and his work situation so much. I resent that he wakes up in his hotel on a work morning and only has himself or focus on getting ready, no tantrums to deal with, no stress. So when he comes home, it should be his turn to deal with this surely?

The thing is, he earns really good money working away, so financially we'd be silly to throw the towel in on that. I do get that and obviously I enjoy the financial benefits to our family. But I'm trying to weigh that up with the added pressure on my shoulders, which is just too much. If he came home for the week and basically stepped into my shoes and just acted as I do when he's away (ie take over the role of default parent), it would feel much better. His argument is, why would I act as though I'm solo parenting when you're here? It frustrates me so much though because that's exactly what I have to do! So the resentment is just building more and more. If he took over completely I'd be able to recharge ready for him going away again.

AIBU to feel resentful and to expect him to take over my role when he's home?

Have you tried just not doing it? Stop bearing the mental load.

So example of the baby bag being packed. I'd load the kids in the car and then say "did you get the baby bag?" And then just sit there.

I've found this type of thing to be quite useful in showing that not every thing is up to you to do.

It's an odd feeling at first but it has certainly been freeing for me.

He will keep expecting you to swoop in and save him if you keep doing it. Down tools on the weeks he's there. He'll soon get the picture!

You have the choice to do nothing.
No more planning and booking or any fun stuff.
Book well being things for you and tell him the park is that way - the toddler prefers the slide.

You are allowing this to continue. Stop and see what happens.

It’s the same as when teens and dh say what is for dinner, my standard reply for the last 4 years has been
‘You tell me’
I am not chief chef, cleaner and a PA to perfectly capable adults.

After a while it sinks in, and it becomes a collaboration.
What are ‘we’ making for dinner, let’s see what’s on the cinema etc

Does he have people who keep the wheels spinning for him at work?

If yes: remind him that you are not his unpaid support person...

If no, remind him that he is perfectly capable of working these details out when he is bejng paid for it..

You both need to think about what you want for the future and as a family, and probably both need new jobs. You both decided to have a child, put some effort in!

I wonder what gene sequence is responsible for females knowing how to plan a day out or get a kid to nursery on time

Well it wouldn’t be forever I guess it could be worth it for a couple of years until your child starts school and you haven’t lost any time on your CV - no lost progression, bonuses, getting back into work etc. Would having a nanny allow you to progress at work, would it allow you to be more present/ work more hours etc and earn more?

One thing I would say is the toddler years are tough and sometimes in life is it not easier to take the path of least resistance? Like a toddler bag… really how long does it take to sort, 2 mins? Yes maybe he SHOULD be doing it too but is it worth being the hill you die on? In a couple of years these issues won’t even be there. So do the day to day stuff that can’t be easily delegated or delegated without an argument and just make sure you’re taking that time to physically not be present (go out, see friends, spa, hike, whatever you enjoy) where he has to cover it all and you’re having fun - spend that cash he’s earned 🤣!! Sick of him not cooking when you’re here - buy Cook meals and eat them exclusively when he’s home - he’ll soon get sick of it and cook himself I’m sure!

I understand it’s a lot more black and white for others and they feel it’s all linked to respect etc but when you’re both working and tired I don’t think a race to the bottom/ competitive tiredness/keeping a tally of time to self always helps. It can be better to focus on things to get you through the now, away from the toddler tantrum years where it all gets a lot easier.

I'd put a rota together for the week he's back. I'd allocate him to do the drop off and pick up on 3 week days, plus i'd allocate him to do the washing, cooking, cleaning etc. I'd give him the bigger share as he gets his time when he's away with work. If he moans put all the same chore for the weeks he's not around to make it clear you do it ALL when he's away.

I'd also give him stuff he needs to sort when he's away, such as house insurance, car stuff and any other mental load stuff.

He can do online shop from his hotel.

Make sure you inc washing up after he's cooked, put the dc to bed and that all the washing is done and put away, plus beds changed etc before he goes to his hotel

This ^ 100%

This is just so extreme!
I use to work away lots and if my husband had a rota written for me to come back to with demands of things before I was able to go BACK TO WORK, do you know what I’d do - work away more! Talk about give a cold welcome and show resentment.

Many people who have never worked away have a bit of rose tinted glasses, it is work.. the novelty of being away from home soon wears off and if there is a lot of flying/time zones it can be exhausting. When I would be at home I would want to be at home and have some downtime, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t help out but if my husband made out I was on a nonstop jolly whilst I was away and needed to pay for it worth chores NOW I wouldn’t feel great about it tbh.

@Belltentdreamer I've worked away plenty and I couldn't disagree with you more... But only because there's a toddler involved.

I agree that prior to having children everything you've said is true. Working away still is work, travel and time zones are a pain. But you still only have yourself to worry about. If you're sick you take sick time. You only get yourself ready in a morning. Once you're done working for the day you're done. Sure... You wish you had your sofa and your bed and you really wish you could go to your snack cupboard and grab a snack etc. You wish you had more than just the clothes in your suitcase etc

But the OP and her husband have a toddler. Solo parenting a young child is relentless and in most situations will be way way harder. If OP is ill - tough. If toddler wakes several times - tough. When OP finishes work she's got a second job to start.

You may have objected to it if your husband had suggested what that previous poster has. But that doesn't mean he'd have been unreasonable to propose it if you had a young child together. The parent at home is sacrificing a lot to support a partner that works away. And that's fine, but support goes both ways.

This.

The answer is in your hands.

Write a list of stuff that needs to be done; then leave him and DC to get on with it while you go off for a day on your own to relax.

@Belltentdreamer

Parenting your child and doing housework isn't helping out. He's not doing her a favour

The op also needs downtime

You've hit the nail on the head. This is why I'm resentful. I go from one job to the next and I cannot "clock off and unwind" like he can. Toddler's sleep still isn't great so on top of full on mornings and evenings before and after work, I'm also often not getting a full nights sleep. My job is mentally very demanding and it's hard to perform to the level in expected to when I'm so burnt out. That's why I need the chance to recharge when he's home. I really do resent the fact he has just the one job to focus on, with none of the household drudgery either side of his working day.

Have you specifically told him to sort the bag and plan the day? You both need better communication and planning between the two of you. Yes, he should be more involved and you shouldn’t need to tell him that but you are where you are now.

‘’DH, let’s go to the zoo next weekend. This one is all on you. I need you to sort the tickets and get Jr ready to go.”

”DH- starting next week you are doing drop off and pick up for Jr on the days you aren’t traveling”

”DH- the insurance needs quoted here’s the information from the last time I did it”

”Hey great rate on the insurance, you’re in charge of it from now on. Consider it officially yours to manage”

But one thing is that it is hard on both parents to manage a regular absence. It’s like kids playing double Dutch jump rope the present parent has all the information and the absent one is trying to figure out when and where to jump in. That is going to require more hard rules and less guessing/anticipating to work until you both get your roles down.

Also there are no timezone changes involved, he works a 6 hour drive away in the same country.

@sotiredandburntout

So stop doing it all.

Repeating you're exhausted because you iave to do everything while you enable your oh to only go to work won't change anything

I get what you're saying but if I didn't do it, there would be mornings she wouldn't be ready for nursery and that affects my job only. He wouldn't hang around to sort that out - he'd be gone. So I'd be the one late for work.

With the days out example, ok I suppose I could stop planning them in their entirety. But then we'd never do anything nice as a family, because he sure as hell wouldn't take the initiative. I don't want to spend our weekends as a family stuck in the house, especially since we only get 2 a month together instead of 4.

You're going to have to suggest some actionable changes OP. There is no incentive for him to change anything.

A few of us have suggested rotas and generally a clearer separation of roles/responsibilities as well as more explicit downtime called out.

You also need to let him fail sometimes.

I got really fed up of my DH stomping his feet and telling me I was "faffing about" when we were meant to be going somewhere with the DCs that I decided to stop "faffing" and see what would happen. I had explained to him before (many times) what I was actually doing but eventually had enough of the disrespect and the annoying "I'm always ready, we're always waiting for you"

One of the times we hadn't packed a bib for DS who was probably 10months at the time. DH is looking at me like ?? And I just breezily told him why we didn't have it and that I was going outside to help older DS with his lunch and it was now DHs problem. I find a good head tilt and matching their confusion with confusion helps when you've tried all the reasonable solutions.

DH: "We don't have <x>"
Me: head tilt "Oh really, what are we going to do about that?" Awkward pause, refuse to give solution

DH is way better and way more respectful now he understands that my "faffing" actually benefits us all and is necessary. No amount of telling him made him understand though.

I get it, you don’t want to ask him to do things, you want him to know they need doing and just do them. And to a point that’s reasonable, but if you’ve been doing it all until now, then there are going to be things he doesn’t think about. You’re going to have to start by asking, and by not volunteering to do them yourself.

So when the car insurance needs doing, tell him, forward him the email, and say can you sort this please.

Plans for the weekend? Tell him you’re not planning it, you’re too tired. Ask him to come up with a plan and let you know.

School drop offs and pickups because his job is more important - that’s unacceptable, tell him so, and tell him which days he’s doing. Make yourself unavailable so it’s not an option. Go to the gym or something.

I absolutely hated planning meals and doing food shopping. So I told my husband I wasn’t doing it anymore. It was all his. That might be harder for you if he’s not home a lot of the time to eat the meals, but if there is one other single thing that you’re doing that he could take over, identify it and hand it over. Paying the nursery bills? I remember that was always a major pain, with tax free childcare and what not.

Email from nursery that child has to dress up as something particular, bring something in etc, and it’s one of the days he’s home? Hey DH, just got this email, can you sort it please. He’ll forget some of the time. When the nursery asks, point them in his direction. Make sure he’s getting all emails and texts as well as you.

It wont be instant. But it can get better.

@sotiredandburntout

Leave before him.

Go on nights and days out without him

Go away for the weekend and leave him at home with the toddler

Or.

Just leave. He won't change.

He's told you he doesn't value your time or contribution abd thinks he is more important. Listen to him.

Go to work, or the gym early, so you’re not in the house.

At the weekend, tell him to plan something. If he doesn’t, go out and leave him with the toddler- he didn’t plan anything, so it’s fair to assume he’s free to look after dc while you take the opportunity to do something for you.

It’s a hard one. My partner used to travel a lot when mine were small and it is exhausting but it’s also exhausting to travel long haul… I used to try and grab an afternoon to myself whenever he got back and equally would try and give him a break too. I work part time and my husband full time and although he no longer travels anywhere near as much I would say I am still the default parent (I still have one little one at home too).

What sort of works for us is to assign specific roles. He is in charge of one type of weekly activity and I organise the other. He does bins/dishes and washing, I foodshop, cook, clean and iron. It feels fairer now I know he will take over certain tasks automatically.