To feel resentful?

[sotiredandburntout]

DH works away every other week. It actually works out he's away slightly more days than he's home. We have a toddler who is challenging to say the least. I also work in a demanding senior role.

I'm absolutely exhausted with holding family life together when he's away, balancing my job, childcare, and home life. He doesn't seem to understand how utterly exhausting this is. We have no family support. He comes home for the week and it feels as though he still expects me to be default parent - I think he gets used to being away so he sort of checks out of family life when he's back. I don't mean in the sense of being involved - he still wants days out and fun etc with our DC. But he doesn't pick up any of the drudgery/ mental load from me when he's back. I'm still expected to keep everything ticking over. So it's like he's all in for the fun times, but the hard stuff I do when he's away I'm still expected to keep on with.

We've had many a heated discussion about this and he insists he genuinely doesn't know what I'm talking about, and that he does "everything he can" to take the pressure off me. I am not seeing or feeling less pressure when he's home though. I've tried to explain the concept of the mental load to him and he just doesn't get it. Like I want someone else to do the thinking and planning for a bit. I don't know what to do anymore, but it's making me resent him and his work situation so much. I resent that he wakes up in his hotel on a work morning and only has himself or focus on getting ready, no tantrums to deal with, no stress. So when he comes home, it should be his turn to deal with this surely?

The thing is, he earns really good money working away, so financially we'd be silly to throw the towel in on that. I do get that and obviously I enjoy the financial benefits to our family. But I'm trying to weigh that up with the added pressure on my shoulders, which is just too much. If he came home for the week and basically stepped into my shoes and just acted as I do when he's away (ie take over the role of default parent), it would feel much better. His argument is, why would I act as though I'm solo parenting when you're here? It frustrates me so much though because that's exactly what I have to do! So the resentment is just building more and more. If he took over completely I'd be able to recharge ready for him going away again.

AIBU to feel resentful and to expect him to take over my role when he's home?

Someone else commented on the fact that your future earnings and pension would take a massive hit and that is hugely significant.

But something else struck me about your thinking; a nanny would not “eat [your] entire salary”, a nanny would cost part of your salary and part of your husband’s. Alternatively it could take a chunk of your husband’s wage, leaving yours intact (the opposite of the scenario you put forward).

Every time you think that way, you are confirming subconsciously that the child is indeed, your responsibility. I understand the mental shortcut, because the amount you earn is probably roughly similar to what a nanny would cost, but there’s a definite implication there that it would be you that had to pay for the nanny in order to have the right to work without your current excess workload.

I think you need to leave him to it so he experiences same as you. Go away for a few days or book activities eg gym pt or meet friends so he’s it in terms of child and household.
Set out practical examples. You have had x hours free last week.
Probably you dropping to 4 days and having a day off is similar to him having a week away each fortnight. He’s doing no cooking, no childcare, no nursery drop offs every other week that’s a huge amount of free time.

Remind him that if you split over this, all 24/7 childcare then becomes split 50/50 every week which will put paid to his working away and result in him living a very different life.

I saw this posted on another thread OP 'To be totally hacked off at DH’s refusal to do any housework?' And thought it interesting as not just a list of housework. Might be a way to articulate the issues of 'mental load'

I think the problem is usually when a spouse works away it means that they earn enough money that the parent at home with the child is either a SAHM or PT so becomes that default parent. Or both parents have big high earning careers and they have enough money to comfortably employ a nanny to ensure smooth running of childcare and house!
With you the roles seem a little less defined cause a bit of a power struggle?

It gets quoted a lot OP but if you haven't seen this it's worth a look:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

But actually I think you have a bigger problem than this because your husband seems so convinced he is already doing his fair share.
See also "She divorced me because I left my dishes by the sink."

By default parent I mean, if we are both working on particular day when he's home he will leave it to me to sort out DC out as he sees it as more important that he's at work on time then me (he's said this before)
wow just wow.
how about Dh: when you are home you will get dc ready for nursery and take them. If that makes you late then maybe you will manage it better the next day. Until you are up to taking this one single tiny component of parenting our child off my plate on the odd day you are home, I don’t want you on any days out. Dc and I will go do fun things without you like we have to most of the time. There’s no point you living here if you refuse to parent or value my largely single parenting role or value my job one iota. If you resent being left out of family outings and being asked to do one thing so much that you decide to leave me then it really wasnt much of a marriage anyway.

@Belltentdreamer

Expecting your oh to do their share isn't a power struggle

Or at least it shouldn't be.

It's only a power struggle because her oh thinks he's more important than her

"His argument is, why would I act as though I'm solo parenting when you're here?"

Because I was on my own with all this last week and I'll be on my own again next week. Time for you to do your fair share or I will end up resenting you.

Op, this resentment will not be good for your marriage. Your dh is coasting along letting you do all the hard work and enjoying the nice bits of being a parent. this isn't fair and isn't good for your relationship nor his relationship with his child.

I'd do two things. One, I'd have a conversation at a time when you aren't actively angry with him for not pulling his weight. So not in the moment when he couldn't be arsed packing a bag for his child because that is women's work. Instead some evening when you have had a nice day together, tell him you want to have a discussion about division of labour because you are at the end of your rope and surely the man who loves you wants to solve that.

Second, the next week he is home, set your alarm, get up and go to work an hour or two earlier - have a nice cup of coffee somewhere. Just be out of the house before you need to leave for nursery. Leave him with the toddler. Don't pack a bag. Don't make lunch. Don't even wake him if you don't want to. Just go and send a text saying "had to head in early today - will be doing this all week" and let him experience what he thinks is so easy for you to do. not just one day but every day.

How, when he says "well it is easier for you to do the bag" you haven't said "for fucks sake just pack the bag will you and stop being an arse about it" is beyond me. Maybe you have.

A nanny would take all your salary but that would be a pretty short term view. You only need a nanny until your youngest is school age. But you keeping you career going would have long term benefits of increased earnings better pension, better career prospects etc

Yeah this makes sense. I'm not a SAHP, I also work. And although I don't earn as much as him, I do still bring in a considerable proportion of our household income. But we don't earn quite highly enough to afford a FT nanny. So yeah we are somewhere in the middle and the roles aren't clearly defined.

OP, half the week (or so) you are working full time and default parent. When DH is home, you are working full time and either default parent or team parent (depending on who you ask).
Meanwhile your DH is working full time half the week without childcare responsibilities, and for the other half he is team parent (again, depending on who you ask).

There is no equality where one of you spends half the week being default parent and the other doesn’t spend at least some time also being default parent. He should tag team with you so that, in the same way he benefits from minimal childcare stress -thanks to you- while working away, when he is home he picks up the slack so you can now have your turn benefitting from minimal childcare stress - thanks to him - when he is home.

Also get really specific about what mental load entails and point blank refuse to do half of the things you’re doing. Some of your home life will go to wrack and ruin but hopefully it’ll result in him understanding how to pull his weight!

He sounds both lazy and selfish.

That he will put his job ahead of you and child and up and leave you rather than be late is very telling.

Don't have another child with this selfish loser.

He's a poor husband and father.

Mind yourself OP, start booking some weekends away and leave him to it.

Stop booking family days out, they simply aren't as important as you getting down time and some rest.

He hasn't your back, nor will he, so protect yourself and don't get pregnant again.

His type usually only get more selfish as time goes on.

Sorry!