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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have felt sorry for this woman?

94 replies

Sapphire387 · 23/04/2023 21:22

We were out for lunch today.

There were three couples at the next table. One of them had a very young baby... a newborn. Over the space of a couple of hours, I watched the mother try and juggle the baby along with eating her food, assisted at times by the two other women in the group. This included taking the baby off for changing, walking it around, taking it outside when it was fussing too much. She did breastfeed, but obviously not the whole time.

The three men in the group sat there drinking beer and eating in peace. By the end, they were even watching sport on one of their phones while the women continued with the baby. Not one of those men held the baby or lifted a finger. I don't think I am normally so observant of others but... it was really noticeable, the difference.

Literally what the fuck? Felt so sorry for her. DH and I have older kids and we consider ourselves equal parents. I am pregnant so perhaps this makes me more sensitive to it, but I really wanted to say to them - and specifically the father - what the hell are you playing at?

Someone please tell me this isn't normal/ok? Seriously depressing.

OP posts:
Siameasy · 23/04/2023 21:28

It shouldn’t be normal but I know blokes like this. The woman is carrying the baby, dealing with the older child and carrying bags. The bloke is like some prized pig sitting there apparently oblivious to it all.

OdeToBarney · 23/04/2023 21:47

Not normal in my house. DH and I take it in turns to feed the baby and eat ourselves. The first time we went out for a meal she was only about 10 days old and DH made me eat first while he fed the baby.

DustyLee123 · 23/04/2023 21:48

DH used to cut my food up for me so I could eat and feed.

MrsMiddleMother · 23/04/2023 22:14

This is depressing and sadly the reality for many women. Thankfully my dh was/is great and hands on, even more so when we go out to restaurants to eat and we would take it turns looking after baby and eating

Divorcedalongtime · 23/04/2023 22:16

DustyLee123 · 23/04/2023 21:48

DH used to cut my food up for me so I could eat and feed.

Yessss haha mine did this too )we are still divorced now but not for that reason at least)

JMSA · 23/04/2023 22:18

I agree that it's depressing. When it comes to division of labour, some women - through no fault of their own - set the bar so low.

FusionChefGeoff · 23/04/2023 22:19

I've called this out before with friends - 'oy come on Martin your turn' and he just ignored me whilst she rolled her eyes as in 'fat chance he'll help". They're not together anymore.

It's totally shit but equally the mum can't just accept it - DH was sat on his area earlier zoned out watching shit on TV so I asked him to make a start in dinner and he leapt up. It's not acceptable so we need to not accept it!

MovinOnUp · 23/04/2023 22:20

This was normal with my XDH.
He actually said while I was pregnant that "it won't change my life that much"
Turns out he wasn't kidding.
My now partner is so hands on with our baby it is unreal, He is amazing.
So my experience is 50/50 I guess.

FusionChefGeoff · 23/04/2023 22:21

He was sat on his arse. Not his area

Mariposista · 23/04/2023 22:22

Mum has a voice. Use it! Hand baby over and say ‘your turn’. Rinse and repeat.

Frobisherslament · 23/04/2023 22:22

Sadly, the husband of my friend was like this. He confessed to my husband over a private lunch that he used to linger in the office until past 8 pm at night, so as to avoid the bath and bed routine. He did this for years. I didn't know whether to tell my friend this information or not. I opted not to interfere and they are to all intents and purposes still happily married now their DC are teens. My DH and I have never looked at him in the same way ever again though.

Dammitthisisshit · 23/04/2023 22:24

It’s not right but it is common.

Even in those couples that are more equal I’ve personally never observed 50/50. 60/40 yes but never equality.

Lockheart · 23/04/2023 22:26

I remember when I was with an ex, we were going to meet one of his friends, his friends wife, and their three young children for lunch. The men sat at one end of the table chatting, I sat opposite the wife who didn't get a chance to actually eat her own food. I sat with and talked to one of their little girls and entertained her as much as possible.

Afterwards I remarked on it to my ex and why this was one of the things putting me off motherhood. He brushed it off as it was (in his mind) a lunch so he could catch up with his friend so of course the wife was doing all the work. This is one of many reasons he is an ex.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 23/04/2023 22:26

I remember walking my baby around endlessly on a five hour plane flight.

my husband didn’t help

i didn’t even realise until I got off that the women staring at us were actually horrified that he didn’t do anything. For five hours.

he is genuinely a fantastic dad and husband I can state 15 years on: he looked like an asshole that day. He is if anything more hands in than me. Sometimes I think if that plane journey and am a bit WTF

so it might have just been a new dad tuck up.

Wishitsnows · 23/04/2023 22:28

It’s not right but so many are like this. But the bar for men being a decent parent is so low. If they split up there will be a chorus of women saying how amazing men are for breathing and acknowledging the child

Chocolatepancakes11 · 23/04/2023 22:30

Shouldn’t be normal but it is in this house. I have a 5mo and I am always the one to struggle to eat/eat a cold meal because of baby. Unfortunately some of us have kids with selfish men.

Fantapops · 23/04/2023 22:30

I saw this the other day. Was waiting in a queue for a chip van, a mum was trying to juggle two kids, a baby and a toddler. The dad was given the one job of holding onto an (empty) pram. It was windy, he was watching football on his phone oblivious to everything... cue a gust of wind, and the pram went smack into my leg. Idiot.

TheIsleOfTheLost · 23/04/2023 22:33

My mum is a baby hog. No way she would have let any man except for the father near that kid for a meal. It was actually really helpful for me and siblings that she would always help out if we were seeing her at meal time. So often on maternity leave you are on your own and have the baby stop you from being able to eat nicely.

KarmaStar · 23/04/2023 22:36

That's awful!selfish gits.yanbu.
Who voted Yabu were probably the men at the next table!

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/04/2023 22:38

Are you sure one of the men was the father? They could have just been male friends/ family. Obviously still would have been nice for them to help though.

ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 23/04/2023 22:38

My brother is like this. Even my teens have commented (I'm sure someone still say that's rude but I don't care)

Last time we went out for a family meal (which was actually a, weekend away to visit Grandad who lives 300ish miles away) he sat himself at the opposite end of the table to his DC (ages 10,9,7,5). At one point 3 of them needed help with something. He ignored them all. When I said "maybe ask Daddy, mummy is busy" to one of them he said "I'm talking to Grandad, and my steak will get cold"
I helped SIL sort them out while my steak got cold! (Not that it got that cold in the 2 mins it took to sort a child out)
The next day we went out again. We didn't have 1 table, but 3 smaller ones close by. DS1 and I sat with Grandad, we hadn't been able to talk to him the night before as we were the other end of the table. My brother came and squeezed onto our table leaving my mum, SIL and my DS 2 with the children. Once again other people ignored their own meals to sort the DCs out.

Hes a selfish prick and a terrible father. I judge him massively.

FlyingPandas · 23/04/2023 22:40

TheIsleOfTheLost · 23/04/2023 22:33

My mum is a baby hog. No way she would have let any man except for the father near that kid for a meal. It was actually really helpful for me and siblings that she would always help out if we were seeing her at meal time. So often on maternity leave you are on your own and have the baby stop you from being able to eat nicely.

Helpful you might have found her, but unfortunately this kind of attitude helps perpetuate the myth that it is women's work to look after babies and men should be excused from the word go.

Why should she 'not let any man except for the father near that kid for a meal'?

Why should a male friend of the baby's father not be 'allowed' to help out/hold the baby etc?

Yes, there are some depressingly shit men out there. And some depressingly tolerant women who excuse them for it and enable them to carry on.

I don't know what the answer is but it sure isn't older women being 'a baby hog'.

RobinaHood · 23/04/2023 22:42

It's really odd. I guess I could see it happening if I was out with two of my sisters. Not because their DHs don't help with the babies but because as an aunt I'd jump at any opportunity to take the baby iyswim.

Dixiechickonhols · 23/04/2023 22:42

It’s depressing. And next time he wants to go out with the 2 couples and she’s reticent she’ll be called a bore...we had a great time last time. Except she didn’t.

Original poster
Sapphire387 · 23/04/2023 22:45

DustyLee123 · 23/04/2023 21:48

DH used to cut my food up for me so I could eat and feed.

Yes, me too.

OP posts:
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