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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have felt sorry for this woman?

94 replies

Sapphire387 · 23/04/2023 21:22

We were out for lunch today.

There were three couples at the next table. One of them had a very young baby... a newborn. Over the space of a couple of hours, I watched the mother try and juggle the baby along with eating her food, assisted at times by the two other women in the group. This included taking the baby off for changing, walking it around, taking it outside when it was fussing too much. She did breastfeed, but obviously not the whole time.

The three men in the group sat there drinking beer and eating in peace. By the end, they were even watching sport on one of their phones while the women continued with the baby. Not one of those men held the baby or lifted a finger. I don't think I am normally so observant of others but... it was really noticeable, the difference.

Literally what the fuck? Felt so sorry for her. DH and I have older kids and we consider ourselves equal parents. I am pregnant so perhaps this makes me more sensitive to it, but I really wanted to say to them - and specifically the father - what the hell are you playing at?

Someone please tell me this isn't normal/ok? Seriously depressing.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 23/04/2023 22:46

Why do women let their husbands get away with that. Even over 35 years ago when my children were babies and dads less involved I made sure my DH pulled his weight when he was home or we were out together. It would be nice if they did it voluntarily but if they don't then I don't see why mums don't just hand the baby over and tell them it is his child too and it is her turn to eat a meal while it is still hot.

BigFloppa · 23/04/2023 22:48

My ex husband was like this. It’s absolutely draining.

his new wife won’t stand for it with their new baby. I’m loving it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/04/2023 22:56

I remember really clearly when I had my DD and attended a mother and baby meetup group there was a woman with a six month old whose partner refused even to hold his son when she went to the loo. He used to tell her that was her job because he was too busy sitting around smoking and selling weed.

She was visibly distressed and upset at every meeting. I really hope she's no longer with him.

Mari9999 · 23/04/2023 22:57

Why would any responsible and caring parents brig a newborn to spend several hours in a restaurant. I don't think that either parent cared very much about the comfort of the newborn .

The OP is criticizing the husband, but truthfully neither parent is an admirable parent.

starfishmummy · 23/04/2023 23:00

If one of them was the baby's father yanbu at all.
But you have no idea who they were. Maybe they were all with one of the other women and relative strangers to mum and baby.

Strawberrydelight78 · 23/04/2023 23:04

If they were drinking though she probably didn't want them helping with the baby anyway.

Original poster
Sapphire387 · 23/04/2023 23:07

Strawberrydelight78 · 23/04/2023 23:04

If they were drinking though she probably didn't want them helping with the baby anyway.

Then surely they (or at least the dad!) shouldn't have been drinking so much...

OP posts:
allswellthatends · 23/04/2023 23:08

On the flight when we moved to the UK our younger son was 2, and the flight was 12+ hours, and the boy didn't sit still one second. No fewer than 3 separate flight attendants were driven to suggesting to DH that he could consider giving me a break for a while. he didn't. Mind you we're still married, so my bad. But yes, know what you mean.

Lifeomars · 23/04/2023 23:15

I can remember asking my ex if he would look after our son (he left me when baby was 7 months old and then paid no child support) so that I could do some extra hours at my job. I needed the money desperately as ex paid nothing. His response was "I'm not your baby sitter" !!!
Another time I had some complications post surgery and was meant to be having bed rest which wasn't easy as the sole carer for then 8 year old child. Tried friends first of course but none were able to help that day. I hated asking my ex for help but had to, his response this time was "you are always ill" Some men really just do not see caring for their children as something they should even consider, it shocks me to see that this attitude is sadly alive and well today

ManxRhyme · 23/04/2023 23:16

I remember a kong haul flight I was on when mum was wrangling two young children while the dad was making full use of the in flight entertainment. About six hours in she had enough and screamed at him about how useless he was. I bet it was cathartic for her. I wanted to clap.

Langleybar · 23/04/2023 23:19

This may be unpopular but true I think. Women are generally the drivers behind parenthood, so my men tend to think “fill your boots”. My son’s dad was a dreadful husband but good dad, so this wasn’t him but I think it is for so many men.

Tophy124 · 23/04/2023 23:21

My husband has always been really helpful, but when with his friends can tend to split off more and do his own thing. But in that case I’ve always told him hey I need help with this, or ‘ your turn to feed’ etc.

Bollindger · 23/04/2023 23:22

I once saw a mother trying to eat with a crying baby, I was alone and asked if the baby would let me hold it. The mum looked shocked but so greatful, I held the baby for 30 mins, and we both enjoyed it, the mum looked less stressed and thanked me.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/04/2023 23:23

It's far too common.

Men need to step up
Women need to stop enabling it

Goldbar · 23/04/2023 23:32

A few years ago, I saw a man get up and, carrying his laptop case, hurry to be one of the first off a flight, leaving his wife behind him holding their baby (around 1yo) and the rest of their stuff - her bag, baby's bag, travel buggy which she had to retrieve from the overhead locker while holding the baby.

Instead of a covered walkway to the terminal, there were stairs and buses. It was a windy day, the stairs were creaking in the wind and this poor woman realised that she couldn't get the baby and all their stuff down the stairs safely and onto the bus without a hand free to hold the stair rail. Some other passengers offered to help and carried everything for her except the baby.

When they got onto the bus, the husband started giving her grief about taking so long. At this point, she really let rip at him. I think the whole bus enjoyed it.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 23/04/2023 23:34

Out for lunch the other day a man went to sit at a nearby table. Newborn baby (asleep)with him in a travel system type pram. He parked up the pram with baby facing away from him and sat down and started typing away on laptop. Who the fuck does that?!! A short while later the mum (I assume) joined them. First thing she does? Of course. Manoeuvres the pram round so the baby was facing them. But his action said it all really! 🙄

Zone2NorthLondon · 23/04/2023 23:34

Ok and why can none of the women speak up?why aren’t they asking or instructing their lazy partners
Some women are inadvertently helping to maintain this sad status quo by accepting it
The granny who is a baby hog,isn’t a great help she’s actually contributing to,and perpetuating the behaviour that babies are women work. She’s a problem

it is common to read on mn though the hands off father and the run ragged mother. It’s a perennial . However I also read post about baby wearing, baby glued to hip,boob and mum reluctant to give baby to anyone else

I suppose the problem is you don’t definitely know what a man will be like as a dad until he has to be. But Christ if it’s apparent he’s lax and hands off he needs to be told,sharpish

Zone2NorthLondon · 23/04/2023 23:35

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/04/2023 23:23

It's far too common.

Men need to step up
Women need to stop enabling it

Absolutely agree

margegunderson · 23/04/2023 23:42

Mari9999 · 23/04/2023 22:57

Why would any responsible and caring parents brig a newborn to spend several hours in a restaurant. I don't think that either parent cared very much about the comfort of the newborn .

The OP is criticizing the husband, but truthfully neither parent is an admirable parent.

Newborns don't give a stuff where they are as long as they're warm and fed. Parents don't have to be in purdah. Get a grip.

TyneTeas · 23/04/2023 23:42

How is it why do women let this happen, why can't they speak up.

How about the men just realise!

MissTrip82 · 23/04/2023 23:46

Mariposista · 23/04/2023 22:22

Mum has a voice. Use it! Hand baby over and say ‘your turn’. Rinse and repeat.

You’re so right. It’s the woman that’s at fault here.

Duckingella · 23/04/2023 23:46

Frobisherslament · 23/04/2023 22:22

Sadly, the husband of my friend was like this. He confessed to my husband over a private lunch that he used to linger in the office until past 8 pm at night, so as to avoid the bath and bed routine. He did this for years. I didn't know whether to tell my friend this information or not. I opted not to interfere and they are to all intents and purposes still happily married now their DC are teens. My DH and I have never looked at him in the same way ever again though.

I can well imagine this;bloke my DH worked with worked 8-6;he lived about 20 minutes from the office;he'd arrive at 7am and leave at 7pm;he'd sit in the backseat of his car,feet up and watching stuff on his phone between 7-8 and 6-7.

My husband was puzzled by this until I said to him;hasn't he got a young toddler and his wife also works full time?

He was blatantly leaving it to his wife to sort and take toddler to nursery and do the pick up and bedtime.

I don't know if she wondered where the extra 40 hours a month pay he was supposed to be earning was.

commonground · 23/04/2023 23:55

Yeah, I sat next to one of these prized pigs (such a perfect description!) on an easyjet flight last week. He even had a little pot belly, snorting away watching his Netflix show whilst the mother of his children sat across the aisle with their two little ones and dealt with storytime, snacks, toilet trips...

I only clocked he was 'daddy' when one of the kids tried to tell him something from across the aisle ("daddy daddy"). He was plugged into his airpods though and oblivious. It was all I could do not to poke him in his porky ribs and say "oi, matey, your child is talking to you." Ugh, so unattractive.

Ilovetea42 · 23/04/2023 23:56

Dh and I will both take it in turns to eat and hold baby so the other can eat in peace. As soon as baby starts fussing with one the other will take him to distract him and it keeps him happy. I think when a baby is bf it can be too easy for some men to immediately deliver a fussy baby to mum without having checked nappy/ boredom/ naptimes first and assume they just need a boob so then mum becomes the default parent without anyone really intending on that. It's something my dh had to work on at the start and now he knows to check nappy and try to settle for a bit and if that doesn't work then he brings baby to me, unless he knows he's due a feed anyway. Bf can feel so intense at times I think it must be really hard with a partner who's not prepared to support you hands on. A crying baby in a cafe is stressful never mind feeling alone with it.

Mari9999 · 24/04/2023 00:00

@margegunderson
The newborn was obviously fussy during this time as the two other women had to deal with the newborn as it became fussy and at one point had to be taken outside.

The parents had no control over the noise level and it did not as described appear to be an environment conducive to newborn comfort. Nor did it appear to be an environment in which this particular newborn was comfortable.