In laws forgot DCs 2nd birthday

[ForgottenBirthday]

DC turned 2 on Friday - we have had no message, call or card. DC is their only grandchild.

No backstory, we get along fine, talk every few weeks but only if I message first, they never ask after any of us, I’m also heavily
pregnant and they haven’t asked how I am since I told them at 12 weeks.

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable being a bit upset by this? DH is hurt and isn’t sure wether to say anything. Would you be upset?

That is bloody abusive in itself!
Can you not see that?
The way they ignore your dh’s msgs and only reply to you.
Stop replying.
They are treating your husband disgracefully.
Almost using you to hurt him further.
Stop colluding with their abuse.

So agree with this and @Blizzard23 other posts.

The thing is to not allow this to blight your family.

I have seen this happen and years later the huge regret of the wasted upset and energy when it changed nothing but was allowed to sour a little the childhoods of friends children.

Don't give them that power.
It will lead to regret.

We can't change other people, half the time we can't change ourselves.

Their wool is dyed!

Powerlessness is your enemy here.

By taking control of this situation you take back power of it.

Very wise of @Blizzard23 to remind you not to criticise them if you can, better to dismiss them as busy with their own lives and not people you have ANY expectations of.

My friend finally did the above with her inlaws and one day ran into them with a friend and was offered a vague "sorry we are so busy yada yada etc", she took great pleasure in waving off the apology with a big smile, as "completely unnecessary as they have zero expectations of them".

It landed.

Her husband got a call from his parents asking "what was meant by it?", and he simply refused to indulge his mother.
He asked HER what was her question and confusion?

His mother huffed and puffed and he silently refused to mollify her.

He was pleased afterwards and it gave him a bit of closure.

Oh my goodness, they reply to you and not your husband?

Oh that is much worse.

Stop replying to them.

I would not tolerate their dismissal of your husband by triangulating you.

Awfully hurtful behaviour.

Step COMPLETELY away.

The fact that they reply to you rather than their actual son is very weird. They should have immediately phoned him. There are bigger issues at play in that relationship.

Do you ever share photos?

share some birthday photos :)

How did you ever end up, and this was pre-kids as well, in a situation where they contact you regularly and don't speak to their own son?
Struggling to imagine how this ever became a pattern.
Did they always communicate via his friends and girlfriends?
Does he not phone them weekly at least? Do they refuse to answer the phone? Have they never spoken to him since he left home?

So much more going on here than a missed birthday for a 2 year old.
I really don't understand your role in this either - why was this ever okay with you?

God, what a horribly dismissive way for them to treat your DH. I'm glad FIL has apologised but I wouldn't be rushing to meet up with them if I were him.

He’s now a rude/sarcastic message from him that basically says we could’ve invited them, we should cut them some slack, they have enough going on having recently moved house and this isn’t their fault.

DH now really annoyed and isn’t sure wether to reply or just ignore it.

So now they are gaslighting him! It's their only grandchild's birthday - they shouldn't need reminding. Plus, your entire relationship with them is based on you chasing them so if your DH hadn't messaged them at all yesterday, then what? It would've been months again.

Ignore is best.

It’s always been that way. Years ago if DH didn’t reply to a message within an hour or two I’d get a message to ask me to tell DH they’d messaged him.

Yes DH says they’ve always been like this with exes too, they are still really good friends with an ex of his where things ended horribly, his dad even sat messaging her sat next to me at the dinner table years ago.

When DD was born we video called a few times but it’s all mainly over text.

Luckily the two year old won't remember.

We gave an invitation via phone for our parents to attend their grandchild's birthday cake each year.

They get busy. They always came by.

Do not do this. It would be exceedingly rude.

OP, it would appear they just don't care about your family very much. It's not nice but there's not much you can do about it. Best to accept it now rather than spend years fighting against it.

Sheesh, every update just gets worse! Who nurtures their child's toxic ex like that - and does it under the nose of their new wife?! They sound so awful I'm not sure why you'd even want your DC to have a relationship with them! They're already treating him in the same dismissive way they treat your DH.

We have had years of this from DH's side.

Communication would be to me, text or email, interest was minimal. I would suggest things, for example we were given free tickets to go on a steam train and asked DH's dad if he would like to come with DS who was seven. DH's Dad has a model railway and is a massive steam train buff. He refused because it would have to be during a school holiday and would be busy. Unfortunately, the tickets will have expired by the time DS leaves sixth form!

I once asked if they would like to meet up during the week before Christmas, their reply was that they were keeping those days free for friends and family. DH is an only child.

No contact over lockdown, no contact over last Christmas. I phoned in the end as they weren't replying to texts and we had a chat. Apparently DH's Dad (nearly 80) is feeling sad as he doesn't see his son very much... We suggested meeting up half way between us over Easter sometime, radio silence.

I feel very sad for my DH and children who have lost my side of the family to cancer and DH's side to apathy and disinterest.

I only let this happen once. Since then I invite them over for tea and cake, or mention DC's upcoming party with friends if I speak to them at all in the couple of months before the birthdays.

I think once can be an honest mistake. The problem is the defensive battle that comes afterwards if you dare to bring it up, as you are seeing. It's just easier to give them a chance to get it right, like you would with a 5 year old.

I had an almost zero relationship with my Pat. GPs though they lived only a few streets away. (Mat GPs dec’d). No idea about family dynamics as too young, but remember seeing them only a handful of times and DS and I only grandkids. Never got a bday card and no gifts. We moved overseas and thereafter only the odd letter. I was curious about my friends’ relationships with their grandparents but thruthfully didn’t feel any envy or loss. I think children are very accepting of the status quo and don’t necessarily feel deprived.
Better no contact than a relationship where your DC feel rejected and of no real interest.

Crikey, it’s like reading about myself. I’m over a decade into this, my eldest is in his teens now. He was the first grandchild. I’ve tried everything to encourage a lovely grandparent/grandchild relationship but it hasn’t worked. If I didn’t contact them then contact wouldn’t happen (they live directly over the road from us!)

I could fill a whole 1000 post thread myself about what’s happened over the years. Dh and I have 3 children now and they’re still at the bottom of the pile. Our children were the only grandchildren for a decade before others came along. The other grandchildren are seen multiple times per week and each family gets a full day of childcare per week too.
I’ve never wanted childcare (have just paid for it) not that I’ve had the same offer from them but I just simply wanted/want them to care about my children and have a relationship with them but they don’t and I wish I’d have just accepted that sooner. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and confusion over the years.

I still don’t know why they treat ours differently and I’ve never said anything to my children but now they’re in their teens they say things themselves and have realised where they stand. It’s really really sad and it truly does break my heart but I’ve stopped trying over the past 3 years-ish I’d say it’s been. Had to remove them from social media so I didn’t have to see the endless posts of the trips out and treats with the others as it was just a stab in the heart reminder when I’d started to come to terms with it a bit more.

My advice would be to try once more to see if a relationship can be established but not with you being the constant facilitator and if it’s clear it isn’t going to happen then honestly just take a huge step back, lower expectations and happily live your life. In my situation, they clearly do not feel bad about any of it so I’ve carried around this hurt for years and they simply don’t give a shit so I’ve only been hurting myself.

I hope you can forge a relationship for your dc, I adored my grandparents and it saddens me my children don’t have that, best of luck.

Not just 'who nurtures a toxic ex' but why are all his ex girlfriends, and now you, enabling this behaviour?

He seems to attract people who are willing to do this to a person they apparently love. It's utterly bizarre.

Can I ask, op, why you have always found it to be normal and acceptable for you to be the conduit between him and his parents? What is it about you that you have in common with all his exes? Is it a specific cultural background, or type of personality do you think? I am utterly baffled as I've never had any friends or family who would accept from the beginning that they become closer to the in laws than their own partner is. Is this the norm in your own family? Has he never had a time without a girlfriend or friend where he spoke to them himself?

I'd go no contact my in-laws are like this and have been uninterested from day 1 of grandchildren, grandchildren are now adults and there's still so little interest grandmother can't tell which one is which and constantly gets name wrong on the rare occasion she bumps into them which in my opinion is appalling
Worst part is she lives 10 minutes away
She's simply uninterested

I can understand forgetting given Easter moves around, and with the moving of house.

What seems the real issue is how they interact with your DH.

Yes I would be furious tbh. I would have to broach the subject with them especially seeing as it is their only grandchild.

That's so sad to read. Is there no self aware awareness on the GPs part, or on the part of the siblings now getting childcare and trips, that yours are clearly being snubbed?

My first MiL was a terrible bitch. She was thrilled to have a dgd as she had all sons herself. She was very good at knitting and often sent dgd a cardigan or jumper. On our son's second birthday she sent no card, instead she sent dgd a jumper with a horse's head on and a rainbow mane coming out from the front of the jumper. Nothing for dgs who had his second birthday. I told DH either you tell her or I will, and I won't do it nicely. He spoke to his Mum. I don't know exactly what he said but she never did it again. She once told me she knits quicker in pink!

Give your head a wobble. It may be "rude" but not half as rude as not sending a card even for their grandchild!!