In laws forgot DCs 2nd birthday

[ForgottenBirthday]

DC turned 2 on Friday - we have had no message, call or card. DC is their only grandchild.

No backstory, we get along fine, talk every few weeks but only if I message first, they never ask after any of us, I’m also heavily
pregnant and they haven’t asked how I am since I told them at 12 weeks.

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable being a bit upset by this? DH is hurt and isn’t sure wether to say anything. Would you be upset?

Thank you.

Thankfully my parents are very involved and we see each other every other week and we are surrounded with family who do care.

I have considered going no contact but stupidly I feel bad! I did 3 months of not messaging them first anymore and didn’t hear from them once until one message asking what the lack of communication was about.

Glad it’s helpful. I know it’s not always easy but if DH would benefit from therapy it’s always worth looking into. Obviously we don’t know the backstory but I would assume there’s more to it than them just forgetting DCs birthday, especially as they’ve only seen DC 4 times.
Definitely right not to worry about DC, they just take everything as a given don’t they. My DH grew up with only one set of grandparents and always says he never questioned it. As far as DC are concerned they are better off without anyone who doesn’t adore them in my opinion.
Good luck and hope your DH can distance himself enough to not be as affected by them

My parents and several siblings forgot my son's 6th birthday. We almost never get cards but at least a text message. I was very hurt, but it's not unusual for me to feel hurt by my family.

You don’t have to message them. Can’t you just accept they are who they are. If it helps I have a family member who forgets birthdays and I know she loves me.

Some good advice on this thread. Sorry to hear very hurtful. Concur with Billy and blizzard pull back stay civil stop making an effort and support your poor Dh. You child will be absolutely fine without them.

I feel so sorry for your DH. It must be awful for him to see his parents reject his child, because that's what they are doing by wilfully showing no interest. I suspect they killed the call because they knew full well why he was ringing. I think he needs to put himself and his little family first and go NC. Maybe when they're elderly and need the support of their son they'll realise how stupid they've been in pushing him away.

Didn't your dh bring it up beforehand or doesn't he phone them much?

I wouldn't really expect anyone to remember the exact date unless I reminded them - but that's probably because I am terrible at remembering as well!

They’ve only met DS 4 times in 2 years

It s who they are
Either make a point of dh inviting them to birthday tea a month before next year , so they have to know the date, or forget it altogether

What a shame. It does sound like they just aren't that interested. I don't think you can do much more to involve them. Their loss.

@billy1966 is right. This is who they are. They’ve seen their only grandchild four times and two years.

At least you know now. Expect zero from them and focus on the family that do make an effort. 🌷

I think I'd concentrate on your own little family and make your own traditions. Don't expect any presents or visits from them. I'd just send a brief text every 2 months but not mention the dcs at all or even tell them when the baby arrives. Leave them to make arrangements to visit and if you have no expectations of them you won't be disappointed.

Bit immature.

Imo delete their number then you aren't tempted to message them. They have shown they have no interest in any of you.
Embrace not having to manage any relationship and sharing your dc. They sound awful.
My ils snubbed our ds also. Dh stopped contacting mil. Then fil also dumped us . Now we know where we stand. Been 8 years of absolutely nc..

Nope, you reap what you sow.

My family are a bit like this. We don't really do birthdays, and it didn't bother me that much until I had DC. Thankfully, DP's parents are brilliant with this kind of thing.

I've sent members of my family photos on whatsapp at the end of my DC's birthday- family had obviously forgotten and I wanted to nudge them before the day was over without seeming annoyed. That always works. I do feel a little hurt that they don't care more than they do, but now that I've accepted that they're like this, is isn't so upsetting.

OP,

You are receiving so much good advice here.

Very wise to detach.

I have known people allow this to blight their lives.

As this is not new and they have form, in your place, as advised, focus on your husband.

This will likely be very triggering for him and early intervention is key.

Tell him how much he would benefit from speaking to someone and that it will benefit not just him, but your whole family.

Thankfully your family are a support so you are blessed, many have zero grandparents through disinterest or death.

I don't think going NC serves any great purpose BUT mirroring can be helpful.

Reply to a text but no more.
Cease to issue invitations or meet ups.

Leave it 100% in their court.

Do not mention them to your children.

What they have never known will not wound them.

In your place I would be very supportive of your husband, but also let him know that lots of grandparents are not hugely interested or involved in their grandchildren.

He is not alone.

It is not just him.

Uninvolved parents were highly unlikely to be hugely involved grandparents.

The people least important in all this are the grandparents.

Focus your energy and socialising on others and your children will not notice their absence.

Yes, lower your expectations of them.

Sorry, OP.

Your instincts were correct! Continue not to initiate communication, if they ask why you haven’t messages just say you have been very busy with dh and the children and leave at that.

No more meet ups, invites or making any kind of effort. It’s utterly futile and will destroy your self esteem.

It’s great news that your family are so involved. Try to be sensitive around your dh, he will be able to see the difference for himself, and this is likely to bring up very painful feelings for him. It would be great if your parents can embrace him, then he will feel he has parental figures and real value within the family, even if it doesn’t exist for him with his own parents.

Never say anything unkind about them, as much as you might want to. He has lived with their inadequate parenting all of his life, but it’s hard initially facing up to just how bad they really are, and it may make him defensive, and cause problems for you both.

You can really make all the difference op, support him, try to get him into counselling. Emotional neglect can continue through generations and it’s important he does not continue the cycle with your children.

When your baby arrives - a factual text should be sent and nothing more. Celebrate the birth with those that love you and don’t expect them to care, they won’t. Acceptance is key.

So many people are in the same position, and we have gone on to lead very happy and contented lives. Grandparents are a bonus that’s all. What really matters now are your children and your marriage.💐💐

This

This is really sad, was expecting you to say they had about 12 grandchildren but to forget their only GC birthday is pretty inexcusable and you are bound to feel upset about that.

I have certain family member who has never shown a jot of interest in having a relationship with my DC and I have accepted that's just how it is and make the most of the family we are close to and the DC have lovely bonds with. Must be very hard when it's the grandparents though.
It's good that your DH has raised it with them but no, they won't change, and it's best all round if you don't put pressure on yourself to force a relationship as you will just end up spending all your time being upset and disappointed.

So they are saying it's your responsibility to keep up communications.

That would infuriate me.

I have 4 grandchildren, some live 400 mileas away so don't see them very often.

We whatsapp each other, I am still part of their lives and have never forgot a birthday

YANBU. Leave the communications to your DH.

My in-laws are the same. Early I’m in our marriage I stopped doing things like Christmas and birthday cards. This was before mobile phones. Basically DH family = DH deals with them. My family = I deal with them.

Yes they always communicate through me and not DH.

When DH text his DF last night he actually sent his reply to me rather than directly to DH but I didn’t reply so he then messaged DH himself.

Thank you so much for all the advise and reassurance, I’m glad I posted and that I wasn’t being unreasonable to be a bit hurt. I’ve had lots of helpful advice!

FIL sent a message apologising and saying let’s meet up ASAP but I think this was the last straw for DH so leaving it to him to figure out what he would like to do