In laws forgot DCs 2nd birthday

[ForgottenBirthday]

DC turned 2 on Friday - we have had no message, call or card. DC is their only grandchild.

No backstory, we get along fine, talk every few weeks but only if I message first, they never ask after any of us, I’m also heavily
pregnant and they haven’t asked how I am since I told them at 12 weeks.

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable being a bit upset by this? DH is hurt and isn’t sure wether to say anything. Would you be upset?

I'm sorry the conversation ended that way.. your DS won't know or care at 2 but your dh must be feeling very hurt :(

I'm a GP and literally just had DGS's 2nd birthday here ( as a bit more space at ours) I can't imagine not being bothered to love and be loved by, him.

Sadly some grandparents are like this. My parents in law were the same, upfront about it told us when we told them at 12 weeks - don't expect any babysitting I'm not doing that.

Not local, but saw eldest last Christmas 2017, lots of excuses since about not seeing them. Youngest has no idea who they are as was 18 months when they last saw them.

I ended up feeling sorry for them, but not letting it get to me. Sadly both have passed away in the past 3 years so not much can be done now but I have made my peace that we tried.

No competition from my side either as my dad is even further away and my mum died 10 years before I had my children, which makes it harder as I had a fab relationship with my grandma.

Similar situation here, we would never see in laws if we didn't go round to visit. They do mostly remember dc birthday but we have to go and pick cards and presents up when we visit them next generally. Have just accepted this is the way it is. My family oth make the effort to bring round before or on day for all birthdays. I'm much closer to mine than dh is to his. X

They forgot. It happens. If they are otherwise good people try not to take it to heart. Next year drop it into the conversation the week before.

That's really rubbish OP, you deserve better. Some people just don't care, and they won't apologise either.

I try to use friendships to compensate.

This is a great way to deal with it.

That’s so sad

Did you invite them round for a slice of birthday cake and cup of tea? That is always a good reminder for others to remember special days.

Personally I always did a buffet, with birthday cake and balloons, and invited the whole family round. Family get to see dc on the day and dc get to feel extra special.

I'm not sure why you are surprised? They've seen your child 4 times in two years and unless there is a massive drip feed that they live half the world away, they've already shown you they're not that interested. Just stop any effort if they want to get in touch they know where you are.

nvm, I've just read your update. Give your husband an extra big hug.

I feel really sorry for you all, what a dreadful way to treat your family. When my DD first told me she was expecting, I was quite shocked, as I didn't feel old enough to be a GM, but from the moment I set eyes on the first one, I fell in love, and it was the same with the other two. It seems that your IL's don't know what they're missing, and I just hope that as they get older they don't expect you and their son to be running around after them, it's usually the DIL who is expected to do the running. So in your shoes, and bearing in mind how upset your DH is, I'd be very tempted to go NC, they really don't deserve you.

How many times have they been invited to yours?

It’s poor form for a GP to not acknowledge their GC’s birthday. Do your in laws have any pressing matters, like major health concerns, taking over their lives at the moment OP?

Save yourselves years of pain and arguments, accept this is all they can offer (nothing) buy your child an extra present and card every Christmas and birthday that he would have received (ours is signed from pets) and make your peace with the concept that they are and will always be checked out.

Make up for their lack of support by embracing other more loving family members and friends and stop messaging them. Let them come to you, take a huge step back.

Your husband needs to go into counselling and get some professional support. Unless there is a reason (serious illness, bereavement etc) they didn’t just become so emotionally negligent over night. Almost certainly your poor husband has had a life time of emotional neglect and it’s especially hard when you have your own children and realise this isn’t normal. Support him, distance and build up other relationships so their impact is minimal. Play down their role in your dc lives so that dc are not hurt by their actions and lack of interest. You can protect your children by creating distance.

No ill health, they both work and they’ve recently moved house so that could be taking up a lot of head space

My parents forget their own Kids' birthdays. I have a habit of forgetting them too. I just don't think they're important. If you think they are then make sure they know in future. Otherwise you are creating sadness for yourself and making a big deal of it when your child is so young and oblivious makes it seem 'all about you'.

Birthdays are important to my DH and his family so I have adapted (even though I think it's BS) and I am sure they can adapt too, just make sure they know.

They don't deserve children or grandchildren. :-(

This is really helpful, thank you. I’ll show this to DH. What are you saying about his childhood is accurate, being distant and having little interest in him isn’t a new thing. They’ve always been friendly and in regular contact with me though, until I was pregnant with DC1

As someone who’s DHs parents are the same, after over 10 years I’ve learnt the best thing is to support DH and try to focus on your own little family.
It’s taken a while but now we don’t let them affect every birthday and Christmas by talking about the fact they don’t bother and it’s so much better. My DC are older than yours and they don’t even notice as they are surrounded by other family and friends and don’t see my in laws often. At the end of the day it’s sad but totally their loss.
I empathise with you as it’s hard to bite your tongue and see your DH disappointed

In that case I’m sure they’ll understand when you and DH choose to ignore their birthdays

We regularly ask when they’d like to visit/suggest arranging something/say we’d love to come and see them and to let us know when they’re available but it’s always ignored.

We last saw them in December, we tried a few times to arrange something in January for DHs big birthday but they never responded so we haven’t invited them since January. They live about an hour and a half away.

In hindsight, I should’ve messaged a few weeks ago to invite them again

Hmm sounds like you’ve done enough op. I’d take a step back if it were me.

It seems like it's just how they are. I wouldn't be chasing after them trying them to be involved when they clearly are not. It's really their loss at the end of it.

This sounds like the best approach. I will show DH this, I know that DC won’t know any different and we won’t make a big deal
out of it or talk about it I just hate seeing DH so upset and can tell it’s getting to him

Stop inviting them, they are not interested sadly.
Your dh needs to process the lack of love in hos childhood, and come to terms with the fact they will never change.
Your dc won’t notice with two loving parents and a distance or non existent relationship.
It is deeply wounding to be hurt like this by those that are supposed to love you unconditionally. Support your dh, stop contacting them and hoping they will become decent human beings for whatever reason they can’t be the parents and grandparents you hope for.