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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m addicted to shoplifting and got caught today

153 replies

Shamefaced23 · 23/04/2023 15:53

And banned nationally from that supermarket for life .
I am bipolar and did it to get a high - I’ve been addicted to alcohol and cutting myself in the past.
I’m so ashamed , I’m worried my family will find out.
I did wrong and I admit it . Is there anywhere I can get help.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 23/04/2023 17:50

Honestly the band are an empty threat. You will just be banned from the local one. I got banned from Asda for life as a teenager and I’ve been back many times to that actual store.

Id definitely go back to your gp though or other health professionals involved in your care.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/04/2023 17:50

Do you have bipolar 1 or 2 as it really sounds like bpd or even autism. I have bpd and I always switch one addiction with another. From the age of about 13 iv always had at least 1 addiction as its a coping mechanism admittedly not a good one but that's life. I'm very lucky as I have a lot of support from cmht, my cpn, my gp and ss who all literally carry me through life. You don't appear to have this and it may be worth reaching out for more help especially if your struggling

SunshineGeorgie · 23/04/2023 17:50

You are banned op... to return would be trespassing

So return as people are suggesting you will then, if caught, be committing burglary

That's quite serious

Gymnopedie · 23/04/2023 17:53

OP please go back to your GP and demand more and better help. Tell him/her what has happened, and not just today.

You've said more than once on this thread that you will never do this again. That you realise what you risked. I'm saying this in the absolutely kindest possible way, you CANNOT guarantee that. It's part of your MH issues, and the compulsion may overwhelm the fear you feel now in the future to the point where you just have to do it again, not necessarily in Sainsburys, but in Tesco, Asda, Aldi, Boots...

This needs a serious intervention. If it did happen again, in any shop, you could be arrested depending on their attitude. A decent solicitor should be able to make a good case in mitigation, but the stress would be far worse than today.

Mumofazoo · 23/04/2023 17:55

Hi op, fellow bipolar person here.
I went through a stealing phase when I was manic. Do you have a care team at all? When I was doing it I was honest with my husband and care Coordinator. I had a medication adjustment and some therapy, and I have not had the urge to shoplift for a couple of months now.
Please don't feel nervous about telling your family, you have a mental illness.

Original poster
Shamefaced23 · 23/04/2023 17:56

I have had an A A sponsor in the past but don’t have one at the moment. I’m not drinking though one day at a time

OP posts:
Beetrootlover82 · 23/04/2023 17:57

I understand you don’t want to tell your family about this incident
but you have told them about your MH struggles and alcoholism?

Beetrootlover82 · 23/04/2023 17:58

Op how old is your child?

can anyone come over tonight? Is your child with you?

Lovemusic33 · 23/04/2023 18:01

Sending you a hug OP

Can I ask what makes you take things? I am genuinely interested as I have a daughter who likes to steel, she has autism and she can’t explain why she does it, I’m worried she will end up being arrested, she was caught steeling a couple weeks ago whilst her dad was supposed to be keeping an eye on her (I can’t take my eyes off her when we are out), she’s 17 and just seems to have no control, sometimes she even has money on her which she could use to buy the item she has taken.

Original poster
Shamefaced23 · 23/04/2023 18:01

The security guard asked for my home address and I gave it to him. He also asked if I had any ID on me like a driving licence but I didn’t but he got me to write down my address, postcode and date of birth. I showed him my debit card with my name on.
He charged me 3 times the value of the goods I had stolen including the face cream I stole a few weeks ago and gave me a letter saying I was banned from all Sainsbury’s stores for life. He said he had my vehicle registration so not to come into the car park either (it’s on a retail park) but I was not banned from the remainder of the retail park.
Do you think they will destroy their paperwork in a few years? They didn’t take my photo but they don’t need to as they have CVTV

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 23/04/2023 18:02

The sweeping statements that you are never doing it again are a bit troubling. Yes, they are the correct thing to say, but you need a plan because a lifetime compulsion is extremely hard to break. If you lived in a country with better mental health support, it would be time for a visit to your psychiatrist and to up your therapy appointments as well. Since you don’t, I would still try speaking to whatever medical team you do have, but I would really focus on finding a technique for channeling that urge yourself. You need to make a plan for when you next feel that urge, what you are doing to do instead that will give you at least some of the release you need but is healthy.

Nevercloser · 23/04/2023 18:02

Firstly, you are not a bad person. Addiction in its many forms is an illness. I say this as an addict and a person who has had three diagnoses of cancer. I have found both these diseases to be equally challenging. I mention this because, in my experience, the two afflictions are very similar. I apologise to anyone who has/had cancer who finds my view offensive.

The first thing an addict needs to do is to talk to someone who understands addiction. Can you go to a meeting ? Any meeting, AA, Smart, or others ?
This is what you need to do, regardless of BPD or autism. You’re not a terrible person or a freak, but you do need to seek help. If that help isn’t forthcoming from the NHS you have to get it elsewhere.
keep posting here and we will help.

Nevercloser · 23/04/2023 18:04

And, as previous posters have said, saying you will never shoplift again does not bode well. I know. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. You need to seek help. That is the only way this will be helped.

Original poster
Shamefaced23 · 23/04/2023 18:06

I think I need to channel it into diet and exercise - problem is I went a bit too far with that as a teen - but I’m now very overweight so I can focus on diet and exercise safely.

my family know about my mental health struggles, and my alcoholism. They have been very supportive in the past but as it’s been quite some time since I stopped drinking they think I’m ok.
I think I will go on an AA meeting - there’s so much going on but in addition recently found out my ex h and father of my child is very unwell which has added to the stress
thank you all for the compassion you have shown

OP posts:
Nevercloser · 23/04/2023 18:07

And bloody well done for not drinking. Give yourself some credit.
👍

Nevercloser · 23/04/2023 18:09

I’d really encourage you to get to a meeting. Everything is confidential in the rooms and no one will judge you for anything.

Queenbee77 · 23/04/2023 18:10

I would say; I dont much like Sainsbury as I never get what I want there. I much prefer Tesco Asda Aldi...bla bla...
I hardly ever go to Sainsbury. Don t like their foods and can never get what I want. Sometimes I will buy some school clothes there mind. I would park nearby and walk paying cash. Perhaps a wig and glasses.....
How would anyone find out? I wouldnt think they would. You are ill and need help so what makes you different to other ill people?
I have a friend with tourettes and she tells me f...k this and that regularly. She is ill. If I had a friend who shoplifted I would consider her ill unless it was for food if she couldnt afford it. But there are foodbanks and I would deffo help too. Keep pestering GP for referral to mental health support.

Nevercloser · 23/04/2023 18:11

You’ve nicked a bit of stuff. It’s shameful and embarrassing but it’s not the end of the world. Nobody got hurt, you didn’t intend any harm. Be kind to yourself but get help.

Doris86 · 23/04/2023 18:12

Robinbuildsbears · 23/04/2023 16:06

My DH and I both have been issued with lifetime bans from Sainsbury's, we were teenagers stealing about £10 worth of sweets to take to the cinema. It never stopped us going back though. One time the security guard recognised us and escorted us out, and that was the end of it. This was many years ago and it's never ever come up again in any Sainsbury's we've been to.

I remember reading about a woman who forgot to pay for a bottle in the bottom of the pram, the alarm at the door went and she was escorted to the back and also given a lifetime ban. Sainsbury's are a bit OTT about their lifetime bans, I wouldn't worry about that aspect of your situation.

Exactly, how on earth can they police lifetime bans? Without facial recognition cameras , it relies on a member of staff recognising you, which isn’t going to happen in 99.9% of their stores.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 23/04/2023 18:15

Sainsbury's are a bit OTT about their lifetime bans,

If someone steals from them, fair play that they issue lifetime bans. Why would they want them back in their store?
OP you need to talk to someone, you need help. Going to an AA meeting is a good idea, you'll be able to talk and it's confidential.

35965a · 23/04/2023 18:17

When I worked in retail we would have photos of known shoplifters passed around - this was in the 00s when I was a teenager and CCTV wasn’t as good then. They will have your photo on CCTV and yes the ban will be enforced if you go to another store. They may even have facial recognition software for the security staff. They do take it seriously though so don’t take a chance going into another branch.

LakieLady · 23/04/2023 18:25

Don't beat yourself up, OP. You're ill, and not to blame.

Share this at an AA meeting, you'll get a lot of support from other members. If you have a lead practitioner for your MH, speak to them too, and explain how you feel and what happened. If you don't, speak to your GP and see if you can get an urgent re-referral to the community MH team. Ask the GP about the possibility of this being linked to peri-menopause.

And resign yourself to online shopping for a little while. 💐

OrangeRock · 23/04/2023 18:27

@Shamefaced23 well done for recognising it and posting to ask for help. If you’re not under a mental health team atm then it’s perfectly ok to call crisis and explain your diagnosis and you’ve been shop lifting and you are worried your condition is escalating. If not phone your Gp tomorrow and they can help you do that.
Please tell your family, they’ll have noticed something is wrong and won’t be ashamed, they will help.

Fuerza · 23/04/2023 18:42

When I was in an abusive relationship and felt invisible, worthless and..........I was also broke, I admit to a bit of shoplifting. It made me feel alive when I felt dead.
You're going to think what now, but I did a pay roll course and ended up working to fortnightly deadlines which was quite exhilarating, the pressure in the run up to the deadline and the feeling of relief when we 'met' the deadline. I mostly never told people that the feeling I got from making the deadline reminded me of the feeling I got from shoplifting. I hope you can resist the urge. I know if I'd been caught, my x would have used that against me to shame me and portray me as bad through and through. It would have been a nightmare and I would never have got away.

This is bonkers but take yourself ziplining, the adrenaline is amazing. Ziplining and payroll! Flowers I wish you luck putting this behind you.