To Still be Struggling with my Birth/Newborn Experience Almost 2yrs Later

[MintGreenLife]

Firstly I just want to say to anyone that might be triggered by details surrounding a traumatic labour/newborn illness that I will go into detail about these things in this post…

My DS is almost 2 and happy and healthy. Early on I thought about my birth a lot, and I do less so now, but every now and then I get a flashback or I start thinking about a detail and then I can’t shake it for hours and feel quite low. This will be a long one and I want to explain everything to get across my full experience. And I feel like most likely very few people will read something this long, but there you go…

At 10 weeks pregnant I had bleeding for several days and I was convinced my pregnancy had ended. This was during the second lockdown, and the early pregnancy unit wouldn’t see me until I had had bleeding for several days. On day 3 they agreed to do a scan the following day. All was fine, but I was found to have a polyp, which caused bleeding throughout my pregnancy. This experience made me feel very anxious during pregnancy. At around 20 weeks my cervix was found to be short after previous surgery, so I had to use progesterone from this point onwards. At 33 weeks I had leaking fluid, this was while my DH was away and I had to go into hospital in the middle of the night. Was found to have PPROM and kept in for 5 days as at high risk of delivery. Went home but back into hospital every 2-3 days for checks.

Was then induced at 37 weeks. Went in at 11am and had the suppository fitted. Stayed in and starting having contractions around 10am the next day. Waters broke at 11am. I was checked once and only 3cm. My contractions were really ramping up and I asked repeatedly to be checked again to be told no and it wasn’t time. When they finally checked me I was 8cm and was rushed around to the delivery suite. By this time I was trying not to push and was checked again and 10cm. Pushed for 2hrs with no luck and was told would need forceps. I had no pain relief i during labour, only gas and air for a short time as this was taken off of me as I was told it was stopping me from being able to push well. Was cut and forceps inserted. I don’t remember much, but all I do remember is feeling like my son (along with all my other organs) were being ripped out of me. That sounds dramatic, but that’s truly how I felt. I don’t remember him being born, don’t remember him being put on my chest. My mum was by birth partner and she said I was shaking uncontrollably for several hours after birth. For this reason I didn’t want to hold my son for some time.

My DH arrived and I was told there was a private room that we could stay in. While they were getting ready to move us, this got taken, so I got taken to the ward and DS went home. In the delivery suite I tried to breastfeed but DS was unable to latch. He came out with bad bruising to his face, a swollen eye and a cut on his forehead.

I don’t really remember the 24hrs after my birth. I don’t even remember picking up DS and trying to nurse him or do anything to care for him. I spent several hours alone trying not to have a panic attack. I had to repeat to myself over and over ‘you’re ok, you’re safe’ to stop myself from completely freaking out. I was exhausted but I was too terrified to sleep as I was fearful I would die in my sleep. I eventually pressed the buzzer and told a nurse this. Shortly after this I then started being sick and continued to be sick for 24hrs after my birth.

At some point a few hours after he was born, DS was taken from me to have a cannula fitted to his hand. I don’t know how long he was gone for, but it felt like hours and I became very worried and convinced myself something terrible had happened to him and I wasn’t being told. Nobody came to update me and I tried not to bother the midwives but eventually I pressed the buzzer to ask where he was.

within 12 hours of him being born he needed blue light therapy for jaundice. Over the next 10 days he would have it four more times and kept rebounding and having to go back under the lights. This meant I hardly got to hold him. During this time we also repeatedly got discharged and told to come back the next day for a blood test, and then readmitted. I found that very difficult finally thinking we were out of the woods and then to be readmitted again and on my own again. I think on day 3 he finally latched. Before this I was hand expressing colostrum. I continued to pump to top him up after every feed until he was 6 weeks.

Made it home by day 10 but continued to go in for regular blood tests. A few weeks later his liver function was found to not be right, and this was the start of regular tests, prodding etc until he was 5 months old.

in the mix of all of this, he was a baby that could not be put down. I had to hold him 24/7 for naps and all sleep until he was 6 months old.

Most of the time I feel happy, I’m distracted by him and kept busy. But when I get moments to myself, I can be taken back to small details and experiences and get stuck there. This morning I had a bath, and I started thinking about the fact that I can’t even remember holding him or doing anything for him in the first 24 hours. Did I even try to care for him?!

I know I’m not being unreasonable to feel like this after my experience, I guess I’m hoping to hear from others that have had difficult starts and how they felt about things/how they improved how they feel.

Thank you in advance to anyone that reads this. I know it’s a lot to read such a long post from a stranger x

I don't think it's surprising that a really traumatising and difficult situation re-emerges now and again.

Do you think a birth debrief might help? You may be able to ask questions about what went on and whether that was normal or unusual. It may help to clarify the timeline. The staff seem to have been quite poor at communicating with you about what was happening.

The shaking after delivery that you describes is probably a symptom of shock and low blood pressure, also the vomiting. Someone should have been reassuring you that everything was ok and what the next steps were.

You could also consider making a complaint via PALS if you felt it would help you. It might be cathartic to put across the points where you felt you were failed by the staff, and what simple things could have helped.

It sounds like you have PTSD from the birth. First step would be to contact the hospital for a debrief, the second would be EMDR counselling for the trauma.

your feelings are completely valid and a birth and following problems will affect the strongest of women.

@RoseslnTheHospital thanks so much for replying. I actually had a birth debrief - nobody mentioned it until about day 7 when I started crying while trying to recall details of my birth with a midwife. She said it might help and I said yes. A few weeks later I hadn’t heard anything, so I asked my HV to follow up and she said she wouldn’t as these things often took a few weeks to come through. After chasing it up with the hospital a few months later I finally found out a referral was never made. I finally got the appointment 6 months after my birth, and at the time it was helpful to get some answers, but mostly I was told there wasn’t really a reason for what happened re my pregnancy complications and birth.

I did feel like the way my birth was handled (in regards to being ignored when telling them I wanted to be checked,) impacted my birth as it felt extremely stressful to be rushed into the delivery suite and have to begin pushing immediately.

I'd second the debrief, they offer it for traumatic births at our hospital. They can talk you through why they did things, and what could have been done differently. People I know who've done it said it was really helpful.

You may benefit from counselling too if you want to look into that.

Although one thing is I know I shook for hours after all three of mine, and the second two were easy births. Your body has just gone through a huge change with a lot of effort so it's not surprising it feels shocked!

@Kidsaregrim thanks, I do think I should probably see a professional to talk things through. I was just never sure if anything like this is offered on the NHS or if I should go private, which is obviously costly x

@MargaretThursday please see above post in response to another poster about a debrief. Thanks so much for mentioning. I had seen something a few weeks ago that said shaking after birth can be normal x

Oh OP that sounds so scary!

I had a traumatic birth 2 years ago, I was also not believed/not checked/

I had something a little similar, induced and going far too quickly, then a failed epidural, no one believing me it hadn't done anything for ages, and then it was too late and I had to go through the birth with just the gas and air.

I felt in shock for a couple of days I absolutely understand that feeling. But then I felt like I processed it ok and it doesn't bother me now. It sounds like maybe you would benefit from some counselling to find a way to process it? Like the trauma got stuck?

Sorry pressed post too soon

I also was denied painkillers and had gas and air taken off me

Similarly to you I thought about it loads after birth and get flashbacks etc

It's really ramped up since I became pregnant again and I've been diagnosed with birth PTSD, I'm booked to have a birth reflections appointment which I'm told can really help but needs to be done along with therapy for me

Could you look into doing the same?

Birth trauma is a real thing. Your feelings are valid. You're a good mum. You're allowed to be human and to struggle. It's horrible that these things happened to you and I'm so sorry.

I completely understand your concerns op. However given your PPROM, it is best practice to minimise vaginal examinations. They increase the risk of infection for you and your baby and don't really change anything or predict what progress will happen next. Your baby will come regardless of you knowing how dilated your cervix is. I have facilitated many many births without doing any cervical examinations.

However you should have received pain relief if you asked for it, you should never feel ignored.

I am so sorry you had such a difficult experience. Unfortunately you had the bad luck to have had a very complex pregnancy and postnatal period, but to be honest it doesn't sound to me that it was anyone's fault.

The only thing I would query is why they didn't pick up the liver condition sooner as severe jaundice at 12 hours of age is highly abnormal and always warrants investigation. However perhaps this happened, I don't know without the notes of course.

I hope you can find something to help you recover OP

EMDR is available on the NHS but not in all trusts, your local mental health support service will direct you, talking change, italk etc.

As you have already had a debrief with a midwife I would recommend requesting an appointment with the consultant midwife where you had your baby.

I can try and answer some of the questions you have, I am a midwife. The checking of a woman’s cervix has to have a rationale, for first time mums it’s usual to check 4 hourly, the reason for this, is because once your waters have broken it’s a route of infection. However, if we think someone is progressing fast in need of pain relief that is a good enough reason. Maternal request is also another reason.

Secondly, your baby having a cannula fitted. In some hospitals there is only one doctor on overnight flitting between the postnatal ward and delivery suite, baby could have been taken and then the doctor bleeped for a delivery and they may have been held up, it would be good to request to have babies notes present during a second debrief so you can have these questions answered as there should be times.

the forceps delivery is just what you described, they are pulling the baby out and it’s brutal for both mum and baby, I have never got used to witnessing forceps as a midwife. It sounds like your baby had traumatic jaundice caused by the forceps delivery given how quick the jaundiced developed. Jaundice also affects the liver which is why your baby then had some problems there.

I would also recommend writing down your thoughts while waiting for a debrief and counselling, it may help focus the questions you want answered and make the appointment more meaningful.

Sorry the debrief didn't help. I understand why though. It's more for people who medically have had a bad time I think, rather than people who were dealt with badly.

I'd see if you can be referred for counselling. There may be someone who your GP can recommend, or see if anyone can recommend one).

I think you're probably in the situation that any one of the issues you could have coped with, but them all together, and then not having a baby you can put down (many sympathies, dd2 was like that-I did everything with her in a sling until she could crawl) meant you didn't have time to yourself to process it.

I'm just thinking back for my three. I can only remember snippets from the first 24 hours with dd1. The other two I can remember more, but that must be at least partially because I was up and doing things.
I don't remember dd1 being given to me, but I do remember the moment she was out (relief after a long labour!) and them asking dh if he wanted to cut the cord (can't remember his answer). I don't remember cuddling her until I was back on the main ward, although I have pictures so I know I did. I do remember dd2 being given to me because she was screaming blue murder, but not ds (dc#3), although I remember holding him.

A lot of the things are very blurred though, so if I hadn't got markers I can date them by (things like I was in the hospital for first 24 hours with dd1) I wouldn't necessarily know they were the first 24 hours iyswim. Could some of your memories be like that?

I think it's communication that is the issue. Both the midwives commenting here have said it's normal to minimise cervix checking but it seems like no one was explaining that to you at the time. And also, it was being used as a decision point as to whether you should be in the delivery suite or not, so it seems particularly strange that they wanted to leave you longer before checking, whilst you were verbally reporting signs of labour progressing. And correctly as it turns out.

Hi OP. You’ve described both my births (yep - forceps twice!). Both times induced early, both times nobody believed I was in such advanced labour that I wasn’t given any pain relief until the 11th hour. Both times I was in so much pain and exhausted from being awake for 2+ days due to pessary contractions that I simply couldn’t push them out and ended up with forceps. Followed by the baby needing days of UV for jaundice - we would finally get home, only for them to go yellow again and be readmitted. It was totally demoralising. This was all in both of my births.

I don’t know what to say really, yep it’s very disappointing to have so few nice memories of what is supposed to be the biggest week of your life.

I know it’s seen as being dismissive but I just focus on my 2 lovely kids. I accept I’m not ‘entitled’ to a good birth experience and that I’ve just been unlucky, in terms of my health and the way the hospital treated me.

A debrief might help you xx

I had a traumatic 2nd pregnancy. DS2 was born in Nov 20. I suffered badly from HG and experienced such awful care I changed hospitals around 18ish weeks.

I was diagnosed with ptsd and just started trauma counselling. Speak to GP in the first instance. I was referred to italk and took it from there. Fair warning, I was on the list for nearly a year.

I was checked and deemed to be ‘3-4cm, can stretch to 5’ and I was having strong contractions 3 in 10. Was still left on induction ward as ‘not far along enough yet’. They were blatantly just trying to keep me out of a labour room for as long as possible as they were so busy. I ended up pushing the buzzer a few hours later insisting I couldn’t take it any more. Found to be 10cm and had to run to labour ward, vomiting twice on the way from the pain. Yippee

Take a look at this website: https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

I have no experience of contacting them but was reading the site, coincidentally, last night, while thinking about my mum, who still suffers from the effects of PTSD from birth trauma 40 years on, having had no support at the time.

@Barleysugar86 i don’t really understand why so many women feel like they’re not listed to, when they say their labour is progressing. It’s like their experience outweighs our understanding of our own bodies or something, or perhaps there are instances of trying to buy time if no delivery suite is available perhaps?! So glad you feel ok about your birth now x

@violetskypurple sorry to hear you had similar experiences. I suppose I assumed if o told the GP I was struggling I would be dismissed, as I imagine lots of women feel like way and in some ways it’s just considered normal?

@Coffeeandbourbons this comment “I accept I’m not ‘entitled’ to a good birth experience” is heartbreaking. Every woman is entitled to a good birth, we should be empowering and doing everything we can to make the experience as good as it can be. No one, whether they are a midwife, doctor, or member of the public can say how much pain another person is feeling, and pain relief should never be held back, it’s not our job to believe or not to believe it’s to act in the woman’s best interest!
Im sorry you did not have the birth you were entitled to x

@Kidsaregrim i had my debrief with the consultant as my pregnancy was consultant led. That does make sense about the checks and the fact that I had PPROM, but actually I remember having to have my pessary reinserted and I asked if that was ok because of the PPROM and they said yes, but this was never used as a reason not to check my cervix no matter how many times I said I felt like I needed checking. At no point did anyone check how close together my contractions were etc when I was telling them I felt I was in active labour, and it’s my understanding that you should move to the delivery suite from 4cm, whereas I was on the ward until 8cm and ready to push by the time I was moved and that was very stressful.

@MargaretThursday i just guess I could remember more. But it’s probably normal to not remember much. I suppose this morning I just got stuck on this idea that maybe I wasn’t even caring for him as I was in such a state, but I know that can’t be true as I found the entire stay in hospital very difficult but I know I did absolutely everything I could for him.

I thought it was normal too until I spoke to a birth trauma specialist midwife who said it definitely isn't, definitely look into therapy x

@Kidsaregrim i think I somehow read half your message and then replied without reading the rest! It’s really kind of you to offer to answer any questions that I have. I must admit, before having DS the only thing I was scared of was the idea of a forceps delivery. I have been left with two prolapses as a result. This might be strange, but I really wish I could remember more about the forceps part of my delivery. I didn’t even realise until I had my debrief that just his head had been pulled down and then I delivered him the rest of the way myself. It felt to me like he was just yanked out the entire way! Obviously I misremembered.

Read what you said about the 4hr checks, my labour progressed from 3cm to 8cm in 2hrs and it’s a shame nobody felt like it was possible I was in active labour and needed moving to the delivery suite especially as I highlighted how I felt my labour was progressing several times.