To Still be Struggling with my Birth/Newborn Experience Almost 2yrs Later

[MintGreenLife]

Firstly I just want to say to anyone that might be triggered by details surrounding a traumatic labour/newborn illness that I will go into detail about these things in this post…

My DS is almost 2 and happy and healthy. Early on I thought about my birth a lot, and I do less so now, but every now and then I get a flashback or I start thinking about a detail and then I can’t shake it for hours and feel quite low. This will be a long one and I want to explain everything to get across my full experience. And I feel like most likely very few people will read something this long, but there you go…

At 10 weeks pregnant I had bleeding for several days and I was convinced my pregnancy had ended. This was during the second lockdown, and the early pregnancy unit wouldn’t see me until I had had bleeding for several days. On day 3 they agreed to do a scan the following day. All was fine, but I was found to have a polyp, which caused bleeding throughout my pregnancy. This experience made me feel very anxious during pregnancy. At around 20 weeks my cervix was found to be short after previous surgery, so I had to use progesterone from this point onwards. At 33 weeks I had leaking fluid, this was while my DH was away and I had to go into hospital in the middle of the night. Was found to have PPROM and kept in for 5 days as at high risk of delivery. Went home but back into hospital every 2-3 days for checks.

Was then induced at 37 weeks. Went in at 11am and had the suppository fitted. Stayed in and starting having contractions around 10am the next day. Waters broke at 11am. I was checked once and only 3cm. My contractions were really ramping up and I asked repeatedly to be checked again to be told no and it wasn’t time. When they finally checked me I was 8cm and was rushed around to the delivery suite. By this time I was trying not to push and was checked again and 10cm. Pushed for 2hrs with no luck and was told would need forceps. I had no pain relief i during labour, only gas and air for a short time as this was taken off of me as I was told it was stopping me from being able to push well. Was cut and forceps inserted. I don’t remember much, but all I do remember is feeling like my son (along with all my other organs) were being ripped out of me. That sounds dramatic, but that’s truly how I felt. I don’t remember him being born, don’t remember him being put on my chest. My mum was by birth partner and she said I was shaking uncontrollably for several hours after birth. For this reason I didn’t want to hold my son for some time.

My DH arrived and I was told there was a private room that we could stay in. While they were getting ready to move us, this got taken, so I got taken to the ward and DS went home. In the delivery suite I tried to breastfeed but DS was unable to latch. He came out with bad bruising to his face, a swollen eye and a cut on his forehead.

I don’t really remember the 24hrs after my birth. I don’t even remember picking up DS and trying to nurse him or do anything to care for him. I spent several hours alone trying not to have a panic attack. I had to repeat to myself over and over ‘you’re ok, you’re safe’ to stop myself from completely freaking out. I was exhausted but I was too terrified to sleep as I was fearful I would die in my sleep. I eventually pressed the buzzer and told a nurse this. Shortly after this I then started being sick and continued to be sick for 24hrs after my birth.

At some point a few hours after he was born, DS was taken from me to have a cannula fitted to his hand. I don’t know how long he was gone for, but it felt like hours and I became very worried and convinced myself something terrible had happened to him and I wasn’t being told. Nobody came to update me and I tried not to bother the midwives but eventually I pressed the buzzer to ask where he was.

within 12 hours of him being born he needed blue light therapy for jaundice. Over the next 10 days he would have it four more times and kept rebounding and having to go back under the lights. This meant I hardly got to hold him. During this time we also repeatedly got discharged and told to come back the next day for a blood test, and then readmitted. I found that very difficult finally thinking we were out of the woods and then to be readmitted again and on my own again. I think on day 3 he finally latched. Before this I was hand expressing colostrum. I continued to pump to top him up after every feed until he was 6 weeks.

Made it home by day 10 but continued to go in for regular blood tests. A few weeks later his liver function was found to not be right, and this was the start of regular tests, prodding etc until he was 5 months old.

in the mix of all of this, he was a baby that could not be put down. I had to hold him 24/7 for naps and all sleep until he was 6 months old.

Most of the time I feel happy, I’m distracted by him and kept busy. But when I get moments to myself, I can be taken back to small details and experiences and get stuck there. This morning I had a bath, and I started thinking about the fact that I can’t even remember holding him or doing anything for him in the first 24 hours. Did I even try to care for him?!

I know I’m not being unreasonable to feel like this after my experience, I guess I’m hoping to hear from others that have had difficult starts and how they felt about things/how they improved how they feel.

Thank you in advance to anyone that reads this. I know it’s a lot to read such a long post from a stranger x

@RL79 gosh I’m so sorry that happened. See even without my baby being distressed at any point etc I still found it incredibly upsetting and worrying. When he had jaundice I didn’t feel like anyone was explaining to me properly what it meant. I searched online and found that it said that babies that are jaundiced within 12 hours of being born have an underlying cause, rather than just typical jaundice in newborns which comes on later. A paediatrician did a routine check on DS on day 2 I believe, and I highlighted this and she said he didn’t have jaundice within 12 hours of him being born, but I had a photo on my phone time stamped of him under the blue light at 10hrs old. In the meantime end he was found to have a genetic abnormality that is linked to liver disease, but thankfully it shouldn’t impact him in anyway as he is just a carrier (which means DH or I are too), but that’s why he had such severe jaundice and why it came on so quickly. Even that I found traumatic enough x

@MintGreenLife you are welcome! The hardest thing 17.5 years ago was no one understood or it felt like they didn’t I even stopped seeing my HV because she had no clue no one did.
You aren’t alone the pain, grief & flashbacks will subside not because you care or hurt less but time eases. I’ve always been someone who can “box it” by putting it in a metal box & not opening it or “accept” it. It’s not easy but remember you aren’t alone, you did nothing wrong & sometimes things go wrong
we had DS2 after 3.5 years not because I wanted to go through it again but because as an only child myself I didn’t want DS1 to be an only child & I was prepared to sacrifice myself for that. Now both understand what happened they both understand why we have raised them to know they have each other for ever.

That must have been the other injection I had.. they did say they were pretty certain I'd have a cesarean but gave forceps a try first and were surprised I managed to get him out easily, but still can't imagine them doing it without serious pain relief 😬 it was a month of pure agony afterwards too! I'd never have another baby after that, if I did unexpectedly end up pregnant again, I'd 100% have a planned cesarean

@ mint green life
Thank you for responding, it's quite cathartic even being able to let some of the memories out.... xxx

You poor love. I’m not surprised this is upsetting you two years later. Your medical needs pre labour, not being listened to, forceps delivery, insufficient pain relief, then your baby being unwell too. That is a LOT.

Yep I think it’s a local anaesthetic to numb the area before you are cut x

@miniegg3 i would love DS to have a sibling, but like you, I’m not sure I could go through all of that again 😖

@minieggs @MintGreenLife I didn’t have all your experiences but I did have a difficult birth with my 2nd child and had failed epidural, forceps, episiotomy, baby taken away at birth with multiple doctors present. I couldn’t sit down and was in agony for a good few weeks.

I guess I was lucky that I had a previous ‘good’ birth although that still involved ventouse and manual removal
of the placenta but lots of good pain relief! Anyway I went on to
have a 3rd and when they mentioned forceps I was panicking but all went well. Just saying that to be encouraging that a bad experience this time doesn’t mean it will be again. Good luck.

YANBU. I had PND, anxiety, breastfeeding went wrong, a bad birth, non-sleeper, unhelpful DH, minimal family support, hard pregnancy.

It’s taken me years to get over it. I ended up having a breakdown, had 10 weeks of CBT and took sertraline for a year while I was off work sick. I recommend therapy and antidepressants if you need them. You’ll struggle to recover alone, so please do see your GP. And keep going back if they are dismissive.

OP you’ve had lots of good advice here. I just wanted to validate your physical sensation that the baby was ripped out of you during the forceps birth. I had a ventouse without an epidural for my first birth and the violence of that feeling really shocked me and stayed with me for a long time. It was emotionally and physically traumatic. I’m sorry that you feel like this and please don’t be down on yourself, I think that forceps is a pretty brutal way to deliver a baby and it’s understandable you had that feeling.

I used to be a clinical midwife - left about 10 years ago but at that time forceps and ventouse were usually done with epidurals. When this didn’t happen it could be because labour was progressing rapidly - it’s worth asking about more the reason in your case. A perineal block (numbing injection) could be done but I had this and still felt the sensations above - not sure how effective it is.

just to add I have three DC - had a normal birth for the second and caesarean for the third. The normal birth brought a lot of healing. I know for many people CS is a really positive birth too as you are very much able to control things. But I’d say it’s worth having a good discussion and think about your feelings if you were pregnant again. I also relate to feeling I’d never be able to give birth again! Finally my ventouse baby is now nearly 19 and I agree with the PP who said that as your DC get older their birth experience becomes part of their ‘story’ and fades. However this doesn’t negate the need for counselling/ discussion to help you process it. I would also recommend PALS - the hospital will have to respond to an approach from them and it’s a way for you to get more answers.